Awakening Through Love

Learning to be Vulnerable can lead to Joy

2011-07-07T11:27:00.000-07:00

I love this TED Talk. Brene Brown talks about her 6 years of research and how we numb our hard emotions (which also numbs joy/purpose/meaning) with alcohol, drugs, food, over-spending, etc.

The path to letting ourselves be vulnerable is - to let ourselves be seen (our true selves with all of our imperfections); love with our whole hearts without worries of rejection; to practice gratitude; and to know that we are enough!

Click below to view this great talk!

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

At Peace

2011-06-10T13:22:00.000-07:00

Mom passed away last night around 10pm. I feel peaceful and relieved that she is free. I created a video to show at the memorial service and if you'd like to watch it...click on the photo above. Thanks for all of your thoughts, prayers and support!

Sending peace, love and joy!

Self-inflicted punishment

2011-06-07T05:39:00.000-07:00

Since I last posted on Friday, Mom has gone downhill quickly. She sleeps most of the time, can barely swallow or talk and has been in pain. The Nurse gave me liquid morphine to administer and that has helped. When the Nurse came yesterday (Monday), she said that it's amazing how much she has deteriorated since Thursday. She thinks she may only have days left and asked if I wanted her to die here or at hospice. I told her I didn't care. Later I asked Mom and she said she wasn't sure. I've made the decision today (Tuesday) to have her transferred.

On Sunday, my younger brother came over and took care of her all day while my husband, son and one of his friends and I went boating. It was nice to get away. I gave him a lot of instructions before leaving for her care. When we returned, before going inside I went on the back deck where she likes to be and found her with a look of helplessness on her face. She had the fan blowing directly on her and it had cooled off outside. She was freezing. I put socks on her and covered her up. My brother said she had complained about being in pain quite a bit, so without calling me, he cut a time released morphine pill in half, gave that to her at 1:30pm with two percocets and then gave her the same amounts at 7pm just before we arrived home. You're not supposed to cut time released medicines in half because the medicine is not time released. After he left I asked my Mom if he took pretty good care of her and she said yes, but he kept making her eat and that upset her. She can't eat much because of the tumor in her stomach...no wonder she was in pain.

Anyway, yesterday her sister came over and cried a few times. She said Mom looks horrible. Much worse than her mother before she went into the hospital 10 days before she passed from cancer. After she left, I got a chocolate bar and asked Mom if she'd like some and it's the most animated I've seen her in a while. So she ate half a bar.

Mom said she has asked God for forgiveness of her sins, particularly for having slept with a man while she was married. To give a little background...my father told me when I was 16 years old that he didn't think my older brother (the alcoholic) was his son. I've asked my mother a few times through the years if he was (assuring her that I wouldn't pass judgment if she'd made a mistake) and she always said that he was. I believe, due to her guilt, that she has allowed him to control her entire life and felt that she deserved whatever happened. I told her that if that was the worst mistake/sin that she has made, then she's a saint. It's just very sad!

Finding Humor While Patience is Tested

2011-06-03T06:34:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been very difficult. Because of the trauma of being neglected and abused, my mother has needed constant attention. Every 10 minutes during the day she needs something…her feet down, more ice chips, a mirror, something to eat, a different pillow, to go to the bathroom (which entails me lifting her, holding her with one arm while pulling down her pants, shifting her body over the porta potty and lowering her), etc. etc. My husband and son help when they can, but my husband wrenched his back the first day.

I bought a medical chair/bed that is a godsend. She slept in it the 2^nd night since it fully reclines and is on rollers, with side tables. Because she is on morphine and her body is very weak, most of the time she smokes a cigarette, she is unsafe with it, nodding off, but very insistent and stubborn about smoking it. The third night, she wanted a nicotine patch on, since I told her she can’t smoke while I’m sleeping. Big Mistake!! It wired her and she didn’t sleep at all. My son stayed up with her until 2:30, when my husband woke me and said he heard them on the deck. I went out and took over. After getting her to bed, she used the call button three more times. Once, because she was freezing, once to go to the bathroom and then so that I would put her in the roller chair. The nurse and case manager came over yesterday and gave me some Ativan to help her sleep. She is sleeping now…12 hours so far.

I now have her in diapers because she was soiling her clothes. Her bed sores are getting better and since her feet have been elevated, the swelling in her legs/feet is gone.

My patience was severely tested the last couple of days because of the lack of sleep, her buzzing me constantly (once just to ask me what I was doing! urggg), and the manipulation she employs. My son asked me if having a baby is this difficult, because if it is, he doesn’t want any kids. I told him that it wasn’t this difficult!

Yesterday, after my mother used the porta potty on the deck, my dog got a hold of one of her feces and was making a meal out of it, while I’m trying to get her back on the chair. My mother was totally grossed out and I just laughed! Then an hour later, I come outside and mom is starting to vomit, so I put a plate under her to get sick on. She drops her false teeth on it and I get to clean it all up!

I called my brother to see if he could help out some, perhaps one day this weekend and he said he and his wife had plans to clean out her mother’s garage as a late Mother’s Day gift, but he’d see what he could do. I told him I really need some help, that he needs to step up to the plate, and that all of my plans have gone out the window. He said if I’m going to get crappy about it…I said calmly that I’m not getting crappy….I just need a little help desperately!

I know that everything changes and that things will get better!

God Intersedes

2011-05-31T00:52:00.000-07:00

I had decided to kidnap my mother from her abusive situation and had a plan in place, but God interseded. I called Hospice and told them what I was going to do...the on-call nurse was very supportive and confident with my plan. She said she'd say a prayer for us. I called my mother a couple of times yesterday (Monday) and she finally answered about 1:15pm and said she had just called 911 because she was wedged between the dresser and her bed trying to get out of bed to use the bedside potty. She had been calling my brother on her phone and screaming for him, but he didn't respond. I told her she was coming to live with me and that R (my husband) and I would be coming to pick her up. I called the police and they met us there. It took about 20 minutes to gather up some of her things while the police were there. In the car on the way home she said that before the paramedics could get there my brother woke up...came in...picked her up and threw her on the bed, saying..."You woke me up, you fucking bitch". Then proceeded to shake her repeatedly and pinch her.

Since she's been home, I've been attending to her all day and night. Fixing food, getting her ice chips to suck on, setting up a movie on my I-pad for her to watch outside on the deck, giving her a shower, dispensing her medicine, doing laundry, bandaging her leg that is oozing liquid and other wounds, lifting and carrying her from wheelchair to toilet to shower to bed to toilet, etc. She's still awake now at 3:30. We provided her with a walkie talkie to hit a call button when she needs to and she's woken me three times since midnight. I'm going to go lay down with her until she goes to sleep. She keeps apologizing for the hardship and I tell her that I love her and want her to be as comfortable as possible and that knowing she was being abused was torture for me. My husband and son have been helping also.

Death Will Set Her Free

2011-05-26T06:05:00.000-07:00

The situation that my mother is in right now is nothing short of appalling! I feel like I'm living a nightmare right now...but somehow I'm accepting it. She has deteriorated in the past five days to not being able to walk on her own. I went over to her apartment on Tuesday to give her a shower and my alcoholic brother started an argument with me. He kept running up to me with his fist raised and screaming at me to get out of his apartment. He was within inches of my face and one of his eyes was completely bloodshot...I felt like I was looking into the face of the devil! I called 911 and the police came. They couldn't do anything since he didn't hit me.

I called my mother that day at noon to make sure she was awake so I could come and asked her if she'd been out of bed yet. She said no...that J (the alcoholic brother) was still asleep in the living room. I asked if she needed to go to the bathroom...she said yes, but that she could wait until I got there. She called me on the way and said that he had gone out to get them something to eat but she didn't want to ask him to take her to the restroom because he was in a foul mood, cursing and yelling about having to take care of her. The day before he had taken the phone from Mom when I was speaking with her and was complaining that when he lifts her to place her on the toilet she clings to the wall and that bothers him. I said, "Why don't you have her go to hospice for five days to give you a break or she can come stay with me." He said, "I don't need a break and she doesn't want to live with you or go to hospice".

Anyway, when I arrived my brother said, "You know Mom doesn't want to live with you or go to hospice." I said, "I know...but that could change soon". He got upset and said he wouldn't allow her to and I said, "Are you her boss?" He said, "Yes, I am" and that's when he became enraged. I left right after the police did and my brother said, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass".

I spoke with her Nurse yesterday and filled her in...she said Mom has been telling her some things and that she thought I would be calling. She set up an aide to come in 3 times a week and yesterday I had my cousin go over. I found out the social worker, the nurse and my cousin were all there at the same time. While they were there, my brother stayed in my mom's bedroom and they had to call his cell phone (that my mom pays for) to speak with him...how bizarre is that? Everyone knows she's being abused...but because she wants it that way...nothing is being done to change it.

They discovered a bedsore on her and told him he needs to make sure she lays on her side some of the time. He said he can't watch her 24/7. Mom said she fell out of bed trying to get to the bathroom while he was sleeping yesterday and they had to bandage a sore on her leg.

Now I can't safely go over to see my dying mother and she rarely calls me because he gets upset when she does. My mother is so co-dependent and worried about being able to smoke when she wants that she's willing to continue the last month of her life in this horrible situation. This makes me repulsed with both of them and very sad.

I am praying for her quick death! I know I can't control this...perhaps that is why I'm dealing with it as well as I am.

The Butterfly Effect

2011-04-28T05:34:00.000-07:00

When you feel powerless or insignificant...just remember that every thing you say, do, and think has an effect upon the world! Each time you have kind words to say, a smile for someone, or a positive thought about yourself or someone else...you've changed the course of the world! How powerful is that?

I took these photos at a Butterfly Exhibition yesterday and decided to research the history of butterflies.

According to Wikipedia, The Butterfly Effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions; where a small change at one place in a nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state. For example, the presence or absence of a butterfly flapping its wings could lead to creation or absence of a hurricane.

Rather than feeling helpless during difficult situations in our lives and of those we love, we need to remember that we have more control/power than we've ever imagined. Realizing that we can't and shouldn't control others...only ourselves is the key!

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."

Sending thoughts of peace, love, and joy!

Peace in the Face of Death

2011-04-26T06:28:00.000-07:00

(Photo courtesy of Nat'l Geographic)

As each day goes by, my mother approaches her impending death from Stage IV cancer…with acceptance. We talk about death and what both of us envision after life will be like. Although she has rarely gone to Church, she believes in God and Jesus and hopes that she will be with relatives that have already departed. Her life has been difficult, having grown up very poor, one of eleven children, and having gone through most of life’s greatest stresses…divorce, the chronic illness and death of her second husband and most of her siblings and parents, and many more of life’s disappointments.

I think about what it will be like once she’s gone, when I forget and want to call her on the telephone and realize…she won’t answer. Grinning, she says, “Once I’m gone, if you feel fingertips brushing your arm, it will be me”. You see, she’s been the type of mother that would do anything in her power to protect her children, blurring the line between motherly nurturing and co dependence.

She tells me the same story every week of when I was little and looked up from my stroller and said, “Me push Mommy, let me push”, and of how independent I was, even then.

I am proud of the grace that she is showing during this process and realize I am my mother’s daughter.

Travel Therapy

2011-04-10T05:12:00.000-07:00

The following is an article I'm going to submit for a contest and would like constructive criticism. The following questions should be answered:

Have you been particularly enlightened, surprised or changed by a travel experience? Why do you travel?

Travel Therapy

My anticipation and excitement mounted as the plane landed in Cairo, Egypt. Although I had traveled quite extensively in comparison to many Americans and lived in Germany while in the military, this 18-day trip to Egypt and Jordan would be my first encounter with a foreign and exotic culture. Having left my career earlier that year to take care of my ill mother and with the knowledge that my 21-year-old beautiful, talented and intelligent son was battling the demon of drug addiction, I was eager to lose myself exploring far away lands. This would be the first of three journeys that I embarked upon in 2009.

It was easy to forget while squinting my eyes against the bright, penetrating eastern sun to gaze at the immense Pyramids; walking in the footsteps of Moses to the top of Mt. Sinai to witness the sunset; or floating weightless in the Dead Sea. It was easy to forget as I danced with the Bedouin people of the Wadi Rum desert, in the swirling smoke filled tent, my blood pulsing with the rhythmic beat of their instruments; having my skin rubbed raw in a steam filled Turkish bath house, or losing myself amidst the towering rose colored, carved monuments of the lost city of Petra.

A few weeks later, it was easy to forget while hiking the ancient Inca Trail to the mysterious and sacred city of Machu Picchu, where the spirits dwell among the stone buildings; playing soccer with local Peruvians on an island of the brilliant deep blue Lake Titicaca; and feasting on sweet, moist pancakes prepared over an open fire, as a guest in a local family’s home.

My son was in a court ordered outpatient rehab program, but it wasn’t enough. Later that year, I found him passed out on the floor of his bedroom and called a crisis hotline. He spent three months in jail and six months in a lock down rehab and I read everything I could concerning addiction, co-dependence, and enabling. I started a blog and reached out to other hurting parents and became one of many that received and gave comfort and support. I prayed for myself, my son, and the other tormented parents and their children. I wondered how could this happen to us? How does a straight A, star athlete become a drug addict?

My final trip was to Thailand, Laos and Vietnam in December. The elaborate temples, invigorating Thai massages, and an overnight stay on a boat off the shores of Vietnam, within the spectacular seascapes of Halong Bay, were salves for my anguished heart.

I arrived back home on Christmas Eve, having taken the opportunity to “Let go and Let God”, and thereby relinquished any preconceived notion of control over the fate of my precious son. We weathered the storm and my son is now on the Deans List at a local community college.

Travel provided an escape from the soul wrenching spectacle of addiction, time to heal, the opportunity to see amazing sites, meet new friends, learn about different cultures, and best of all…to empower myself.

Never give up hope and never stop traveling!

Final Roadtrip

2011-04-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

I'm glad to be home from the trip! My mother didn't seem to derive much enjoyment from it, other than the warm weather. She complained about most everything...which is her nature anyway...but I understand that she is depressed and doesn't feel well. When you're around someone like that for an extended period of time, it seems to suck the life right out of you.

My younger brother came for a few days and the three of us went to Ft. Myers beach one day, Sanibel Island beach another day, out to eat a couple of times, saw the movie Red Riding Hood, and my brother took her to TJ Maxx to look around. The nerve neuropathy in her feet was particularly painful and her stomach was starting to hurt periodically, so I was going to take her to an Urgent Care, but they were closed, so we went to the emergency room. I asked my brother to research where the closest pharmacies were, in case her doctor at home could call something in, but he couldn't across state lines. My brother stayed at the condo watching basketball. We were there almost four hours and the doctor prescribed an opiate for her.

We were driving home about 12 midnight and I called my brother, who was still up to see if he would mind driving to the pharmacy once we returned, to fill the prescription. He said, "You're driving right by one, why can't you?" I explained that the hospital told me that there were two 24 hr. pharmacies open, but they were on a different road than where I would be. He finally agreed to, but we ended up taking a wrong turn and passed by one, so I stopped to fill it. When we arrived at the condo, I asked my brother if he had started the dishwasher, so we'd have clean dishes for breakfast and he said, "No, but we can start it now, can't we?" I said, "Yes, you could start it now" and he then went off on me saying that I have an attitude problem, that he didn't appreciate it and couldn't understand what was wrong. I told him why I seemed to have an attitude problem...that after spending four hours at the emergency room, I didn't think it was too much to ask for him to go to the pharmacy, that was 5 minutes away, so that Mom didn't have to wait in the car for another 10-15 minutes at midnight. He didn't understand my thinking and said that "I can act like such a bitch" and began opening/closing all of the cupboards in the kitchen looking for the dishwashing detergent, while ranting/raving...saying over and over, "where is the dishwashing detergent" in between telling me how obnoxious I am! He recently went back to school to get a Masters in counseling and is a licensed therapist....a little scary! He apologized the next day.

I also have a greater understanding of codependency and the cycle of domestic violence from my week with mom. She agreed to keep her phone turned off, so that my alcoholic brother couldn't harass her, but she did speak with him twice on the trip. She has options so that she doesn't need to return to that situation, but she insists on doing so. Her father abused her mother, her husband abused her and now her son abuses her. I believe that she needs IT in her life. By the end, she was quite hateful to me at times and I brought it to her attention. I asked if I'm the only one she treats like that (other than my alcoholic brother) and she said yes. I made the point that if she can control it with others, then she can choose to control it with me. It seems she was going through withdrawals from being treated nicely instead of poorly. She also apologized to me.

While driving home, she made the comment that she is bitter and resentful that she never had a home and I made the point that many people don't own their homes, the banks do. And compared to some of the world, she lives like a queen. She disagrees. Whenever I talk about being grateful for what we do have, she doesn't like to hear it!

I am so grateful that I have the ability to be grateful!

What son beats his dying mother??

2011-03-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

My brother beat my mother today. She was lying in bed and he hit her on both arms.

She's been waiting for the title of her car to arrive in the mail since she paid it off, so that she could put it in his name before she dies. She's been calling them because it's been a week since they mailed it. I called them today and found out they sent it to the wrong address. I knew my brother would be upset, so I suggested to Mom that while he was sleeping today (since he usually stays up all night), that I could come pick her up so she could spend the night here before we left for Florida tomorrow. I told her she could smoke in the office, so she wouldn't get cold outside, but she said she'd wait until tomorrow. Later in the day, she said when she was trying to tell him that if the title came while we were gone, my younger brother could sign for her since he has a Power of Attorney. He became enraged and told her she wasn't going anywhere and hit her.

I called my husband and he left work to meet me at her place. I called the Police, so there wouldn't be any trouble. They went in with us and one spoke to my Mom and the other to my brother. My brother said my mother was trying to hit him, so her wounds were from him trying to stop her. One of the officers asked what she wanted to do. She said nothing. I thought they were supposed to arrest someone if they assault another person. It's unbelievable! Later, my husband told me that one of the officers told him that he thought my mother took bandages off of her two wounds to make it look like they were fresh!

I feel alone in this! My younger brother (who is a counselor) doesn't step up to the plate. When my son heard about it (he was at school), he called the police department and one of the officers said that mom admitted to hitting my brother, that's why they didn't take him in. I heard her say she was kicking at him to get him to stop.

Picture this....a 105 lb. woman dying from cancer (who can barely stand up) hurting a 200 lb. man!!

She's here now. I am trying not to think about it...I'm too angry!

Comfort

2011-03-28T04:00:00.000-07:00

My mother would like to go somewhere warm before she dies, so we'll be leaving in a couple of days to drive down to Ft. Myers, Florida. A friend has a 2 bed/bath condo that she has graciously offered to us. We'll split the drive into two days and stop south of Atlanta the first evening. Mom sleeps a lot, so hopefully she'll sleep for most of the drive. She's supposed to start a pill form of Chemo that has the least amount of side effects, but she's scared to start it and at best it would prolong her life by perhaps 6-9 months. My younger brother will probably fly down on Friday and stay until Monday.

My older brother has stopped harassing her, mainly because she paid off her car and will be putting it into his name as soon as the title arrives in the mail. I'm grateful for many things: that I have time to spend with her before she dies; that we have the opportunity to take her to the beach; and that she's not in pain (other than the nerve neuropathy in her feet)!

I have peace knowing that she is in God's hands and will be free from all things physical...soon!

Trying to retain Peace in the face of Chaos

2011-03-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

My mother has been diagnosed with Stage IV Cancer. She's been losing weight...down to 107 lbs. from 130 a year ago. A Cat Scan revealed a mass in her esophagus and 5 lumps on/in her liver. Today she underwent an endoscopy and they took a sample from the mass. The doctor seemed nervous as he approached to give us the results. He said he knows its cancer even though they won't have the test results back for a week. I spoke with the nurse after my mother left with my brother. She said that I seemed to be taking it well. I told her that I had already began grieving because I didn't think she would be alive much longer. She also didn't think mom had much longer to live...perhaps 6 weeks. Tomorrow she'll get a Pet Scan to see where else the cancer has spread. She's had a giant aneurysm in her head for a couple of years that hasn't burst yet and 9 months ago she broke both arms in a fall.

The chaos lies within the codependent relationship she has with my brother who is 55 years old and living with her. He is an alcoholic. She recently moved from the senior citizen apartment that I found for her, where she allowed my brother to live with her...which was against their rules. He would come and go from the side entrance to stay hidden. Some of the residents were complaining that they thought he was living there, so the Manager called me and asked if he was. Initially, I stayed out of it, but during the time she was in a nursing home for a month after she broke her arm, I called the Manager and told him the truth. To keep it anonymous, he used the excuse of checking on their cat to enter the apartment and told my brother he had to leave. My brother stayed with his only friend for a couple of nights, then my mother gave him money to stay in a cheap hotel for a couple of weeks. During this time, he found a job through a temp agency and he kept the job until they let people go right after Christmas.

The good that came from this was that he now knows he can get a job on his own! Mom found a way to get him back in her apartment. She had her doctor send a form to the Apt. Manager stating that she needed around the clock care and it would come from him. Unfortunately, he reverted back to his old ways after the job ended and began sleeping most of the day and staying up at night. This meant my mother had to creep around quietly during the day, so that he wouldn't yell at her. After her arms healed sufficiently, the Manager gave my brother one day to move out again. So, my mother made the decision to find an apartment, that she can't afford, so that he could live with her. He wouldn't let my other brother or me help her move, so she did most of the work (packing/unpacking) herself.

He continues to emotionally/mentally abuse her, mostly by yelling/complaining about me to her. He is resentful that when my father passed away in 2006, he only received a small monetary amount compared to myself and my brother. Why he blames me for this...who knows. He'll call her names, "whore", "cunt", etc. Even now that she is dying...he continues to harrass her. Filling out forms at the doctor's office, one of the questions was, "Are you experiencing depression". She said, "Oh, Yes". I picked her up to spend the weekend with me, took her out for lunch, gave her a jacuzzi bath, a massage and tried to get her to eat/drink healthy foods. I bought her two new pairs of pants and a shirt, since she's lost weight. I asked her if she was afraid of dying. She said kind of, but also not really. She believes in God and our spirits living.

I arranged for a family reunion at my house on Saturday. We had about 30 people come. My husband taught people to shoot his new bow/arrow, gave people a ride on his tractor and everyone enjoyed spending time with Mom. My thoughts were, why wait until someone dies to get together at the funeral!

My brother called my Mom Sat. morning drunk. He woke her up and started in on her. He'll say things like, "Once you die, I know Sherry will take your car." She has a Will leaving him everything (which has dwindled to nothing but her car). It made me feel depressed and saddened that there can be such dysfunction in the world. It brought back memories of the year she lived with me in 2009, when the two of them would constantly be on the phone yelling at each other. I feel guilty for hoping that she dies soon, so that IT will go away!

During one of the three phone conversations they had in one hour on Saturday, I asked her to hand me the phone, so that I could talk to him. I asked him why he hates me so much. We talked for about 10 minutes and I remained calm. I said, "Do you really want to make her miserable for the remaining months that she'll be alive". We talked about a lot of issues and I hope it will keep him from abusing her as much. I realize my mother perpetuates some of this insanity. She told me on Sunday that when she got home, she was going to tell him what a good time she had and how she was treated like a queen. She has a hate/love relationship with my brother. I asked her to not do that, because it would just antagonize him and make him more jealous of me and my attentions towards her.

p.s. My son has around 19 months clean now (from drugs...he still drinks occasionally) and is doing well in college...he has finals this week. He just got his full driver's license back and will be released from the program he's been in for over a year very soon.

The Root of Hope - Ibogaine

2010-11-15T17:14:00.000-08:00

I stumbled across a video about Ibogaine...a plant found in Africa and legally used in a variety of countries to treat addiction to heroin (and other opiates), alcoholism, and cocaine. There are quite a few You Tube videos to view related to it. The video has Greg Douglas, formerly with the Steve Miller Band, who after battling a 30 year addiction to heroin, was cured after taking Ibogaine.

Henry...lost his life due to addiction

2010-10-28T06:05:00.001-07:00

This video is about Henry, the son of Katie Granju, who lost his life due to his addiction to opiates. It is very moving! It's becoming clear to me that one of the main problems we face in trying to get the message out to other parents of at risk teens (before it is too late...as in the case of Henry) is the tendency to remain silent. Usually, we remain silent or anonymous to protect our child's identity. I believe if more recovering addicts would join with their parent(s) to educate others, then more parents would be better prepared to deal with all of the issues that accompany drug use.

A New Project

2010-10-27T03:39:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone...life is good here! I've been busy with a multitude of activities...jogging (until I hurt my back...I can still do everything else though), hiking, trying lots of new recipes (my husband and J are loving that), finished training our puppy Jake on the invisible fence and he's thriving, get togethers with family and friends, and online Christmas shopping (I know...it's a bit early for that).

I bought a new Mac computer and love it. I downloaded the footage I shot while on my trip to Thailand, Laos and Vietnam back in December, and used the iMovie feature on the Mac to make some movies. I've attached one...hope you enjoy. (You'll need to go to my playlists for songs on the bottom right and shut that off...so you can hear the music I attached to the video)

My OCD tendencies have kicked into high gear and I've been making lots of movies. I'd love to share one that I made of J when he was a baby...but my ex-husband is in it...I'd be afraid he would sue me or something if he ever found it somehow. Not that it depicts him in a bad light...other than being the father of someone who grew up to have an addiction problem...like most people in the world, in some form or fashion. Does anyone have any advice in this department?

J is doing great...except he lost his job...but he decided to go back to school in January! He's looking for another job to hold him over until then. His father said he would pay his living expenses if J could get loans for school. We're not sure yet how much he qualifies for...so I'll help him if he doesn't get aid.

I'm still interviewing for a few positions. At times I feel that I should be looking more diligently, but then these projects come up...and well I'm enjoying life. I'm very blessed that I have money in the bank to draw from to get me through...but then I feel a bit guilty for continuing to use it...oh well...I believe I'm where I'm supposed to be right now.

Sending peace, love & joy to all of you!

Bundle of Joy!

2010-09-19T07:44:00.000-07:00

We have a new bundle of joy…Jake! He’s a Brittany Spaniel and three months old. The previous owners had him for a month. The husband is in the military and is being deployed to Iraq on Monday. He got him for his wife so she wouldn’t miss him so much while he’s gone for a year…but they have three children and another dog and it’s a bit too much for her.

I’ve had dogs most of my life and have missed having one for the past few years in some ways and have enjoyed the freedom of not having one also. I have been jogging him two miles each day for the past three days that we’ve had him. I read that this breed of dog can become destructive if not exercised enough…so this is the perfect place for him. We have an invisible fence that encompasses an acre of the five acres of land, but I need to research how and when to train him. His favorite games are me chasing him and playing tug of war. He’s already a mama’s boy - following me everywhere. He was living in an apartment…so he’s almost on sensory overload out in the country…with the new sights, sounds and smells. He’s a hunting dog and has already pointed a grasshopper. He loves to drink out of the KOI pond and it’s fun to watch the goldfish swim over to where he’s lapping up water and for some reason congregate there. He’s fallen in a couple of times.!

The neighbor’s cat…who was here all of the time…has been scarce lately. I’ll miss the presents the cat was leaving for me at the back door almost every day…dead mice and a half-eaten squirrel (yuck)!

This is a photo of the lane that leads to our house…we’re the last one down the quarter-mile road…

This is our neighbor’s barn…he has sheep, alpacas, dogs and cats!

He says, I'm pooped!

P.S. I've been seeing my mother every 2-3 days and have established better boundaries! I quit smoking 5-6 days ago...with the help of the patch...and feel much better!

Smoke Another One!

2010-09-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

You're probably wondering what this post will be about. It's about me having a revelation today concerning my relationship with my mother. I had a meeting with the staff at her nursing home today - and my mother was part of it. Basically, everyone is fed up with her...they didn't tell her, but after that meeting I spoke with the Director and the Social Worker and talked a while longer. The Director said she almost turned my mother away the day she came in because she is so difficult to deal with. She's uncooperative with physical therapy...is constantly walking outside to smoke and complains she's too tired for therapy. She complains constantly...about everything!

I have brought her home to give her a shower once and gave her a shower at the nursing home once because she doesn't want them to. The entire time I'm with her...which has been every day for 1-4 hours a day...she complains. She's manipulative and disrespectful. She'll turn on the charm...when necessary though. I've always known these things about her...but was in denial about how disruptive she really is and about how abusive she's been to me. Through the years I've made excuses for her behavior...but I'm running out!

It's time for me to set boundaries! It's difficult though when you feel guilty because you feel like you're not being a good daughter if you don't jump and especially now that she's got two broken arms. But she sure can walk outside to smoke...lots!

After speaking with the Director and Social Worker they opened my eyes to how she works me. They think she has a mental problem. I asked them if it would be wrong to go 3 days before I saw her...they said, "You don't have to see her at all while she's here...if you don't want to." WOW. It would take me too long to try to give enough examples to paint the full picture...so I don't expect anyone to really understand.

By the way...the "Smoke Another One" pertains really to me - because I struggle with stopping my cigarette habit and think that this is one more piece of the picture that will help me to heal from my past and STOP smoking!

P.S. Relating to my last post...my brother spent two nights with a friend and then my mother gave him $100 yesterday for a hotel for a few nights...even though he has been contacted by my cousin to help him find housing.

Does this have my name on it?

2010-09-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my last post my mother broke both of her arms and is in a nursing home for the next 3 to 4 weeks. She lives in a subsidized retirement apartment and my older brother who is an alcoholic has been living with her there for the past six months. She sneaks him in and out the side door but other residents have complained to the Manager that they think he is living there. The Manager called me over a month ago and asked me if he was and I said that I'm not in contact with him and didn't want to get involved.

My mother enables him and is co-dependent. She helps him financially, although he receives unemployment...even though she is accumulating a lot of credit card debt, lives on a fixed income and has no means to pay it off. He is abusive to her...mentally, emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically. I have called the police once when he locked her out of her previous apartment (when he was drunk) and she admitted to me for the first time that he was grabbing her arms and twisting her skin to the point of bruising her. The police spoke to him and said if there were any more problems they would take him to jail.

Since he's been living with her he keeps the air conditioner very cold which suits him but freezes my mother who has circulation problems. Since she has been in the Nursing home for the past few days he won't agree to let anyone come to her apartment to get the things that she needs. He'll bring a few things at a time for her...but doesn't know what type of clothes she needs that will fit over her splint. He'll call her and cuss her out on the phone and has control of her car, her purse and her jewelry. He told her he lost her jewelry and then the next day said he found it. She is intimidated of him but when my other brother, my cousin or myself talk to her about finding him a shelter to live in...a place that can help him find employment...she says now is not the right time...that it would send him into a nervous breakdown.

He is very jealous of me and my brother mostly because when my father passed away in 2006 he was given much less in the Will. My father and he hadn't spoken in over 20 years. He is filled with hatred and anger.

I've talked with a few people about me calling the Manager and reporting him and then my cousin and her husband could help him with a list of the places he could go. My cousin said she would call the Manager, because she feels someone needs to get involved. I know my brother would immediately call my mother and upset her to the extreme.

I grapple with this decision because she is an adult and makes her own decisions. At the same time, I know that if I was walking by someone who was being physically abused, I would get involved to help. My husband and son think I should call or let my Cousin call. Initially, my Mother was going to refuse to go to the Nursing home and just return back home and let him take care of her...although he sleeps most of the day. In one breath she complains about him and in the next, she protects him.

I would appreciate any and all comments/thoughts!

Life...

2010-08-30T19:13:00.000-07:00

I've been reading everyone's blogs...just not commenting...sorry! Some of you are doing better - in spite of what's going on with your loved one's addiction; some of you are doing worse - health problems and/or emotional issues and some are status quo. I've been praying for you (except for about 8 days while I was working 12-15 hr. days moving, painting, removing wallpaper, etc.)

To catch you up with my life...we closed on the other house at the end of July and officially moved out on Wednesday. We closed on the new house 10 days ago and since that time with the help one day of 8 friends/family and my son J and his girlfriend, were able to paint three bedrooms and move the boxes and smaller stuff. Since then Randy and I have finished painting the remainder of the interior of the house, had new carpet installed, a new refrigerator delivered and the movers moved the heavy stuff on Wednesday.

I am known for being able to move and have everything put away (including pictures put on the wall within 2 days). My husband thinks I'm a bit obsessive compulsive. Even if it is...I get a lot done!

The visit with my friend from England went well. We stayed busy...went to an amusement park and rode all of the intense thrill rides. I was proud of myself for riding the biggest and badest (is that a word?)! We went to a wine tasting, a party, went boating/skiing twice, out to eat a few times, spent two days in Chicago...which was amazing and shopped a lot! Since she can get $1.50 to every pound, she took advantage of it.

I've had two interviews with one company and one interview with another. I have a third interview with the first company on Wednesday. Tuesday I have to get a crown at the dentist and Thursday I have a routine over 50 colonoscopy. My girlfriend said you're getting it at both ends!!

Anyway, I love this house. So does my husband and son. My son is still doing well. He celebrated his one year abstinence from drugs on Saturday. He has chosen to drink a few beers once a week and now questions whether he ever was an addict. He tends to push the envelope in many ways...we'll save that for another post.

He continues going to his court ordered classes four mornings a week (which should be reduced to two any day now) and working 40-45 hours a week. He is getting frustrated because he only makes $9.50 an hour at a machine shop and the other men make quite a bit more and don't do as much work. He's going to ask for a raise and then look for another job if it's not granted. I explained that life is like that...it's not always fair, but you have a choice sometimes to do something about it. He talks about going back to college part time in a few months...which would be great!

He and I don't see each other much during the week, but he'll open up occasionally and talk about how he feels about issues. His girlfriend is doing well. She apologized to me over the weekend for the past and is in a voluntary program through a hospital that is covered by her insurance. Her mother attends a class once a week there and she goes twice a week. She has random drug/alcohol screens and she and my son attend 1 or 2 NA meetings per weekend.

She was so sweet for his one year abstinence...she took cupcakes to the NA meeting to share with everyone.

I got a phone call about an hour ago from my mother that she fell in her apartment and is waiting with my brother at the emergency room to be seen. She told me not to come...that she would call me as soon as she knew something. She thinks her arm is broken. My older brother is living there with her because he can't find a job (or should I say he doesn't look) and he's the one that has been abusive to her in the past. So needless to say I'm concerned that perhaps she didn't "trip over a cord", but was pushed.

She lives in a retirement complex and has to sneak my brother in and out. The apartment complex manager called me a couple of weeks ago and said he's been getting complaints that people think he's living there and asked me if he was. I said that I'm not in contact with him and don't want to get involved.

She is in jeopardy of being evicted, but she is the "enabler"! I'm waiting for another call and am worried.

There's more to talk about...but it's getting late...so I'll stop by your blogs this week and say hello!

Break Time

2010-07-28T06:54:00.000-07:00

I'm going to take a break from blogging...well a bigger break than lately. There is so much going on...closing on my house this week...found another house and will be closing on it later in August. Interviewing for a job next week. Packing. Going to Chicago next Friday for the weekend to pick up a friend from England who has never been to America and is staying with us for 10-12 days.

The new house is on 5 acres...wooded lot...3 bedroom/2 bath ranch...vaulted ceilings and skylights...which I love...and less expensive. I feel very grateful that my house sold so quickly...having only lived here for 2 years and that we found a house that suits us.

J is very busy. He reports to two probation officers. He's enjoying driving again. He will have been clean from drugs for 1 year next month!

I may paint a picture of "everything's rosy"...but all of us...my son, myself and husband go through our moments of sadness, agitation, irritation, anger, etc., but I'm not one to dwell on the negative...my attitude is one personality characteristic that I'm most grateful for!

Something I've realized through all of this...I thought I was co-dependent and discovered I'm not. It's difficult to separate normal parent feelings and being a nice person feelings from some of the symptoms of this.

I'll leave you with a few more pictures from Europe...

Flower Peddler in Cannes, France

Portugal

Croatia

Portugal

I'll continue to pray for everyone and read your posts. Thank you to those of you who keep us in your prayers and/or thoughts!

Beauty and My Life

2010-07-19T07:27:00.000-07:00

Here are some additional photos from Europe...

Dubrovnik, Croatia

Island of Capri, Italy

On board the cruise at sunset

Segovia, Spain

We found a car for J and bought it Saturday...it's a 1997 with only 67,000 miles on it! He passed his written and physical driving tests...but the Court messed up and didn't provide the BMV with the correct information concerning J's suspension. So...after many phone calls, hopefully today they will fax the correct info over to the BMV so that we can get his "interlock" drivers license. Of course, it's a trial in patience for J...to have a car now and not be able to drive it just yet.

He has another drug test today in between class and work. Tomorrow he has a probation appt. in between class and work...busy, busy, busy!!

The other day I asked him why he was so quiet...he said the drugs changed his personality. I asked him if he was being serious...he said "Yes". I do get him to chuckle and/or smile occasionally...which is great to see!

I'm also being patient concerning the sale of my house and the purchase of another one. We still haven't heard back about the appraisal from last week and we put an offer down on a foreclosure property that is owned by the bank...to which they replied that there was another offer...so to give our best offer...which we did...now we're waiting. I haven't packed a thing yet...just going through things gradually...getting together goodwill items and throwing away some. I'm not a pack rat...but I'm excited about simplifying my life! For example, I have a paraffin wax warmer for the hands that I haven't used in years...gone now!

I received a call about a job and they'll be calling me later this week for an interview...the timing is great! I am an event planner/sales manager and I used to work with the Chef from this facility when we were at another venue, so he referred me.

My husband and I went canoeing yesterday...it was fun.

I'm treating myself to a massage today...it's only $30 for 1 hour...it was half price!

Sending peace and love to all of you!!

Driving Soon

2010-07-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

J was granted driving privileges again...whew! Lots of details to attend to...calling the insurance co. to get a referral to a "high risk" company and then calling them...driving over for him to sign and p/u paperwork...setting up an 8 hr. BMV required driving class for this Saturday...etc. etc. He was told by the BMV that he has to retake his written and physical driving test...He'll have to go into work late on Monday to do that.

I helped with some of these details...but J still says everything is a little overwhelming. It makes you wonder about the people who don't have every conceivable type of help available to them...financial, transportation, emotional if requested...like J...How they handle it?

J's Dad is going to send him the money for an inexpensive car. He has to get an interlock (blow in before the car starts) device installed. Hopefully, we'll find a vehicle within a week!

I finally got my bail money...$1250...back from over a year ago!

J also had a urine test this week...a probation appointment where he found out that they are transferring that County's probation to the other County...so he was pleased by the news.

Hope to post again soon!

The Case for Treating Drug Addicts in Prison

2010-07-07T12:38:00.000-07:00

This was an article on MSN's home page that I thought was interesting. It's rather long!

Author: Scott Olson

The Case for Treating Drug Addicts in Prison

Treatment for drug addiction works better and costs less than imprisonment alone. So why are states abandoning it?

Drug Rehab a Rare Commodity in Prison For the last 16 years, Dr. Josiah Rich has gone weekly to prisons in or near Providence, R.I., to treat people being held there for drug-related offenses. Each time, he has wrestled with an ethical conundrum: not the issue of whether the offenders have done something wrong, but whether the American prison system is doing something worse. “What I see is not bad people,” he says. “Predominantly, I see people with a disease.”

Of the 2.3 million inmates in the U.S., more than half have a history of substance abuse and addiction. Not all those inmates are imprisoned on drug-related charges (although drug arrests have been rising steadily since the early 1990s; there were 195,700 arrests in 2007). But in many cases, their crimes, such as burglary, have been committed in the service of feeding their addictions. Rich, a professor of medicine and community health at Brown University, is worried that, by refusing or neglecting to provide treatment to these addicts, many U.S. prisons are missing the best chance to cure them—and in the process to cut down on future crime. Treatment can reduce recidivism rates from 50 percent to something more like 20 percent, according to the DEA. Yet it is not widely provided.

“Our system has taken the highest-risk and most ill people and put them in a place where they have constitutionally mandated health care,“ Rich says. “What a great opportunity to make a difference. Are we just trying to punish people? Or are we trying to rehabilitate people? What do we want out of this?”

Looking at the way prisons currently deal with drug addiction, the answer to Rich’s question is unclear. Over the last few years, some in the justice system have warmed to the idea of treating drug addicts in addition to (or instead of) incarcerating them.

In some states, most notably Ohio, almost all first-time drug offenders and many second-timers are offered treatment. That is by no means the case nationally. According to a report released last year by the National Institute on Drug Abuse, just one fifth of inmates get some form of treatment. That number may be lower in the near future: tight budgets are forcing many states to cut back or close down their existing treatment programs. Kansas and Pennsylvania have already done so; California and Texas may follow suit in the next few months.

The irony here is that by lowering recidivism, the programs themselves save money in the long run. The NIDA report released last year cited a remarkable statistic: heroin addicts who received no treatment in jail were seven times as likely as treated inmates to become re-addicted, and three times as likely to end up in prison again. For every dollar spent, the programs save $2 to $6 by reducing the costs of re-incarceration, according to Human Rights Watch. Looked at another way, the programs can save the justice system about $47,000 per inmate.

RELATED ARTICLE: Should States Cut College or Prison Spending? »

So why would prisons target their own treatment programs in an effort to cut costs? Part of the reason is that pharmacological treatment—such as giving heroin addicts methadone to help them through withdrawal—requires a lot of regulation, and thus it’s expensive in the short run. Pharmacological treatment isn’t the only way of helping addicts—the White House’s drug-policy arm has a good list of other options—but in many cases it’s the most effective. Unfortunately, it’s also very tricky. It can be undermined by the fact that addicts can easily relapse behind bars; a Human Rights Watch report last year claimed that “drugs are as available in prison as in the street,” often getting to inmates via the mail. (Reliable statistics on inmate drug use are understandably hard to come by, since prisoners have no reason to fess up to using.)

There are other challenges, too, particularly in treating addicts with methadone. “People are loath to provide methadone because it poses some security risk,” says Dr. Amy Nunn, also a professor of medicine at Brown. “It could be diverted or sold on the black market, or someone might rob the dispensary.” When methadone is given, it’s usually with strict oversight at a medical center, not as a matter of course in the correctional facility. That takes money.

Buprenorphine, which is used to treat opioid addicts, is a little easier for prisons to deal with because it’s “harder to divert,” Nunn adds. The medication has an additive that prevents it from being crushed up and inhaled. But it is not widely used either. Only half of all states and prisons provide any form of methadone or buprenorphine treatment, and those that do make use of the drugs do so in a limited fashion, even though the WHO has both medications on a list of drugs that should be available to all prisoners at any time.

But Nunn says the real problem is an ideological one, not a practical one. “In spite of all of the proven clinical and social and economic benefits of pharmacological treatment, people really have a moral opposition to it,” she says. “They think if you’re providing people with treatment, you’re not addressing their addiction in an appropriate way. They think people who have addictions deserve what they get, and that the only way to treat addiction is abstinence, when nothing could be further from the truth.”

Steven Belenko, a professor of criminal justice at Temple University, adds that people who work in prisons don’t necessarily think that way: “Correctional professionals recognize the importance of these types of services,” he says. Bob May, associate director of the Association of State Correctional Administrators, agrees. He says people who work in the system “acknowledge the value of the programs. There was a time, years ago, when that wasn’t the case. People weren’t convinced that the programs were effective, or even cost-effective.

When I was working as chief of detectives in a sheriff’s department, I didn’t believe in these programs, either. My job was to put people away. You know, you think it’s just some bleeding-heart liberal trying to make excuses for a crime. But I didn’t know that 75 to 80 percent of people I was arresting for other crimes had an abuse problem.” Now, he adds, “we know from the research that with people who go through drug treatment, even if they still use drugs afterwards, their crimes are less violent and less frequent. Even if it’s not a 100 percent change, it’s a good thing.” The public doesn’t necessarily think treatment is bad, either; a recent poll found that more than two thirds of Americans would support state laws requiring treatment—not jail time—for first- and second-time drug offenders.

But politicians may oppose treatment (at least publicly), especially if they’re worried about being seen as soft on crime. And even if they support the idea, with state budgets under a crunch, treatment can start to look expendable. “It’s the legislators who are funding or not funding these types of things,” Belenko says. “So even when prison systems are very open and supportive of treatment, they face a bunch of administrative constraints and cost constraints. They don’t have enough funds to do this.”

That’s been the case as long as treatment programs have been around, judging by a 1991 government report, which showed that only a fifth of drug-addicted inmates who needed treatment were able to get it. But the current economy has made things worse. In Florida, for instance, corrections secretary Walter McNeil recently suggested—“reluctantly,” according to the St. Petersburg Times—a $36 million budget cut that would close “most of the state’s publicly funded treatment centers.”

Then there’s Texas. In 2003 the state government (largely led by Republicans) started to whittle away at treatment programs. Four years later, thanks to efforts led by State Sen. John Whitmire, it changed course, putting more money into them, rather than less, and adding 6,000 “beds” available to treat nonviolent prisoners who have substance-abuse issues. Whitmire, who had been robbed at gunpoint by a cocaine addict, says that sometimes convincing fellow legislators of the value of more treatment was a “hard sell,” but he told them this was a public-safety issue: “I’ve begged for my life once from someone addicted to cocaine,” he says. “I would much rather spend money on his addiction than face that gun again. This isn’t about being soft on crime. It’s about being tough, but also smart.”

His initiative saw positive results initially: the prison population, predicted to climb by more than 5,000 by the end of 2008, grew by only a 10th of that. Public and political opinion, even among Republicans, started to turn in favor of treatment—until earlier this year, when Gov. Rick Perry asked each state agency to slash 5 percent from their budgets. Once again, treatment ended up on the chopping block. The Texas Department of Criminal Justice proposed to slash $23 million from treatment programs. Whitmire argued successfully against that proposal, but now the system faces an even larger pending cut of 10 percent.

According to a report commissioned by the Justice Center at the Council of State Governments, “Of the proposed $124.3 million FY 2010–11 reduction [in Texas], $109.4 million, or 88 percent, will be reductions in probation and parole supervision, alternatives to incarceration, mental health services, substance abuse treatment, halfway houses, and intermediate sanction facilities.” Tony Fabelo, director of research at the CSG and a coauthor of the report, says “the only way to save money,” at least in the short term, “is shutting down programs or shutting down prisons. And if there were an outcry about shutting down programs, there would be a bigger one about shutting down prisons. So those are the dynamics where we are trapped.”

That is deeply concerning to Whitmire. “If we do not continue these programs, people will re-offend, recidivism rates will rise, and it will be a danger to the public,” he says. “You either pay now, or pay later—and you pay a lot more later.”

What happens to addicts who don’t get treatment in prison? Often they return to their addiction upon their release. “When somebody’s addicted to heroin and they don’t get treatment, they’re [likely] to get addicted to heroin again,” says Rich. “The drug has biologically changed their brains. You can tie someone down and make sure they don’t use any opiates and you can keep them there for years, and the day they walk out, they [can] get opiates.”
And then they’re likely to wind up back in the prison system. That’s bad news for the inmates, the prisons, and the taxpayers, since, as Rich puts it, treatment is “certainly cheaper than the gobs of money we’re spending to keep locking people up.”

In other words, no matter how you feel about drug-addicted inmates, you’re going to pay for dealing with their addiction. So why aren’t we choosing the cheaper—and arguably more humane—option?
Find out more about the social and economic impact of America's prisons in our series. Read about the debate over whether cash-strapped states should cut classrooms or prison cells, and find out how the recession is slamming private jails.

Missed You

2010-06-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

I returned from the three week whirlwind European trip on June 21st and had two days to unpack, do laundry, go through mail, pay bills, etc. etc. and pack for a four day boating/camping trip in Kentucky. I returned Sunday from that and realized I forgot my password for getting into my blog. I tried resetting the password, but "they" would send the info to the account I couldn't remember the password for...but I finally remembered!

I'm up to date on what's going on with most every one...just haven't had time to comment yet. I can't remember if I mentioned I decided to sell my house. I bought the house when my husband and I were divorced. I put it on the market two days before I left on the trip and there has been much activity. I received a good offer yesterday and signed a contract...so now we'll be looking to possibly rent a place or buy. Ultimately, we'd like to move to the Carolinas or somewhere?

J is doing great! He was in his two week assessment through the courts while I was gone and they assessed that he just needs an out-patient program. He goes to a class Monday through Thursday, 9-12noon and then works from 2pm-10pm. His boss agreed to let him only work until 10pm, instead of 1am for the two months that he is attending. Then he will only go twice a week 9-12noon for a few months and then once a week. In between showings of the house, I've been driving about 2 1/2 hours total per day to get him to everything. It's a small price to pay for having my son back!

He had his last court appearance last week and his attorney was very excited that he was able to be granted "Treatment in Lieu of Conviction" in two different counties. In his 34 years of handling these cases, he's never seen it happen. I've been praying for all of us almost every day...even on the trip.

Here are a few pictures of the 888 that I took...

In Lisbon, Portugal

Cinque Terre, Italy (We hiked 1 1/2 hours from one town to the next, along the Italian riviera)

Venice (this was on my birthday...took a Gondola ride)

The trip was amazing and I am blessed in many ways. I'll post more later!

Update

2010-06-01T03:28:00.000-07:00

Wanted to let you know that today I leave for my three weeks in Europe...so I won't be commenting...but I will continue to pray for everyone!

There have been some changes here lately...my husband and I (mostly me) decided to sell our house. I bought it when we were divorced almost two years ago...and feel that it's too much space just for us. My roommate is moving out...that's another story!

J has been home since Saturday from the 20 days at the DUI rehab and is leaving tomorrow for the two week assessment. He went to a wedding Sat. evening...where he drank some...and last night went to a party...where he drank even more...not a good sign! I know he is worried about going back in for the assessment!

I've been getting the house ready for the market. Part of me wishes I was here to "orchestrate" everything, but most of me...99% can't wait to get the hell out of dodge!

See you in the summer!

Harley Heaven

2010-05-26T19:53:00.000-07:00

There is something fascinating about people watching at Bike Night! Almost as if this is the stage for people’s alter egos to surface…their time to let it all hang out!

My husband and I seem to be those people. Years ago we donned the cowboy hats and boots and knew all of the line dances…now it’s time to straddle the Harley! This isn’t him…

Do you see the inner child bursting out…

This is the friend I’ll be going to Europe with…watch out!!

I just had to show off the new jeans I got for Mother's Day!

Who said your 50's have to be dull!

Two Blogs

2010-05-26T04:24:00.000-07:00

While checking out Pioneer Woman's Blog, I discovered Katie Granju's blog Mama Pundit. Granju’s son H was brutally beaten, most likely during a drug deal gone bad and suffered a drug overdose on April 28th. Through her blog I discovered Joanna Cravey's Blog, a grandmother raising her drug addicted daughter's daughter. Joanna discovered Katie's blog on The New York Times blog, Motherlode, by Lisa Belkin.

Both women could use our prayers and support!

It's interesting to me how we stumble upon blogs concerning addiction, even when we're not looking for them.

My son J is being released Saturday after serving 20 days for the DUI he received back in March of 2009. He will be home for only three days before going into a court ordered two week assessment that stems from the felony charges also from March of 2009. If you'll recall, he was granted "Treatment in Lieu of Conviction".

My trip to Europe is rapidly approaching...only five more days!

Fantasy Farm

2010-05-23T18:08:00.000-07:00

Had a great time at my Cousin's farm this weekend!

He carves wooden sculptures...

Has amazing gardens...

There are chickens, horses, baby lambs, a donkey, a dog, two cats, pigs, and a miniature horse!

I'm just not posting photos of all...

and red barns...

Hope your weekend was filled with beauty!!

The Woods

2010-05-16T12:34:00.000-07:00

These are photos I took...except for the one of me...the past few days from three hikes I've gone on.

I'm grateful today for nature, my "Vasque" hiking boots, and cameras!

"Quit hanging on to the handrails . . . Let go. Surrender. Go for the ride of your life. Do it every day."

Melody Beattie, "Finding Your Way Home"

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we really are, far more than our abilities."

Albus Dumbledore in one of the Harry Potter books & movies

"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."

Judith Kelman

"All of us have been dying, hour by hour, since the moment we were born. Realizing this, let all things be placed in their proper perspective. . . . Remember, it is always later than you think."

Og Mandino in "The Greatest Success in the World"

"That whisper you keep hearing is the universe trying to get your attention."

Oprah Winfrey

"Life is Good" Award

2010-05-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

Shen from ReunitedSelves honored me with

the "Life is Good" award. Thanks Shen!! The following are my answers to the

questions associated with acceptance of the award:

1. What would your perfect day consist of?

Being outdoors with the sun shining...a backrub...a yummy picnic lunch...a hike through the woods...a nap... saying, hearing and meaning the words "I Love You"...hearing the birds singing and later...some music!

2. How would you describe yourself if you were an item of clothing?

A light-weight, wrinkle resistant, colorful, wrap dress that could be worn during the day as a casual outfit or dressed up in the evening with high heels and appropriate accessories!

3. What hobbies are you currently working on?

My blog, hot yoga, travel planning, and reading!

4. Walking in the woods in wellies or bare foot on the beach?

Walking in the woods in wellies!

5. Have you ever hugged or sang to a tree?

I have hugged a tree!

6. Growing your own veggies or nipping to the supermarket?

I've never grown my own veggies - but I do buy some organic!

7. Have you found anyone exciting in your family tree?

I think my grandfather was pretty exciting!

8. Slap up meal in a posh restaurant or fish 'n' chips from the wrapper?

I like both - but I'd have to pick "posh restaurant" since usually it's the latter!

9. Which element do you most resonate with, Earth, Air, Fire or water?

"Fire"! I'm usually the firestarter and tender of it...and jump over campfires for everyone's entertainment!

10. Do you believe in fairies?

If fairies are "Angels", then Yes!

Thanks again, Shen!

It's a really hard choice, but I would like to pass this award on to the following bloggers:

Renee at renee-mentalimages

Heather's Mom at heathersmom1

Barbara at parentofheroinaddict

Her Big Sad at herbigsad

Anna at letgohangon

Annette at journeyofrecoverysearchforserenity

Jennifer at onetrueself

If you have time, post it as I have and answer the questions!!

A Day in the Life of a Census Taker

2010-05-11T03:55:00.000-07:00

I've been working as a Crew Leader Assistant and also going out in the field to do Census work. It's been interesting! I'm lucky that the area I'm working in is very nice...some of the homes are million dollar homes. I've probably been to about 75 houses and only encountered one lady that was somewhat beligerant. She was quite rude and when I got to the question about picking a race...she said..."American - that white is not a race...it's a color of skin." Towards the end she apologized and said that she just has a problem with the government. She then remarked that she'd heard we make $60 a visit and I said "No - nothing close to that", so she asked how much I make and I told her politely that I wouldn't share that information. I've worked with the public my whole life in some capacity and with many "difficult" bosses and co-workers, so this has been a natural fit for me.

When I approached another house, there were two dogs in the yard, a border collie and an "ankle biter". An "electric fence" sign was posted and I stood on the sidewalk sizing up the situation as the "ankle biter" yapped away. Less than a minute went by and I made the decision to brave it...so I walked up the driveway onto the entry sidewalk, up to the front door, while the "ankle biter" followed me...yapping. The first thing the homeowner said was, "I guess you have to be a dog lover to have this job", to which I replied, "I watch the Dog Whisperer and I am a dog lover".

A couple of days ago I pulled into someone's driveway because there wasn't a close parking spot and decided I wouldn't lock my car. As I shut the door, I had a sinking feeling that I locked it out of habit...and I did...with my cell phone in it. The home owner was very understanding and let me use her cell phone. My husband said that there was a "valet" key that he had put under the front end of the car with a plastic tie down...thank God!

I'm still reading the one year Bible and it talks about the Census being taken way back when. In America it's been taken since 1790!

Not sure what my next gig will be yet!

Bitter Sweet

2010-05-09T04:50:00.000-07:00

Last night my son arrived home with his girlfriend and handed me two dozen roses...this is a picture of them...and a card. He said he thought the card was perfect. It said:

Mother

no one has to tell me how lucky I am to have you,

because I've known for along time

When I think back over the years

and remember all the special things

you've done for me,

I realize that you're not only

a great mother, but you're also

a wonderful person.

You've taught me so much

about life and love and giving,

and those are lessons I'll never forget.

So many things that have added to my happiness

have been gifts from you...

maybe having a mother like you

has spoiled me a bit,

but don't ever think

I don't appreciate and love you,

because I do...with all my heart.

Happy Mother's Day

Inside he wrote: I'll never be able to express how much you mean to me and how much I love you.

Thank you so much for being here for me through everything. Love, J

My husband just left to take J to his three week DUI rehab. As J and I hugged goodby...I swallowed the tears until he walked out of the door. I'm very lucky to have a son like him...I'll miss him!

Close Encounter

2010-05-06T04:00:00.000-07:00

I awoke at 4:30am this morning and decided to get up. I noticed a light on beneath my son's bedroom door...thinking he left his T.V. on...opened the door and he was still up. He told me that after his girlfriend picked him up from work and was driving him home...the police stopped them because she had a tail light out. She didn't have her driver's license on her and one of the officers questioned my son....asked him for his I.D., ran a check and saw that he was on probation. J said there were at one point three police cars there and it took about 30 minutes. He was surprised they didn't search the car!

There were no reprecussions, because they weren't doing anything wrong. When it's 1am in the morning, there is a greater risk of being pulled over.

He was a bit upset because now he has to report to his Probation Officer that there was some contact with law enforcement. I asked him if he has cravings for drugs and he said, "Yes, actually yesterday I thought about it because of going away for three weeks on Sunday". I'm glad he's honest with me. I told him that I continue to pray for him every day!!

Mother's Day Prayer for each of you...

2010-05-04T04:45:00.000-07:00

I had planned to delete my last post concerning my husband before he returned from his weekend golf outing, but didn't...not sure why. When he returned, we caught up on each other's news from the weekend and I went to the grocery. I had listed my mother's stove on Craig's List for her and sold it in one day. The guy was due to come pick it up...which my husband was aware of. Upon returning from the grocery, my husband wasn't at home and the guy was there with his son to take the stove. I called my husband and left a message on his cell phone.

I was downstairs in the storage room with the two strangers and called my husband again...he answered...I asked him where he was...he said just driving around. The guy had to take the front of the stove off to fit it through the doors and as he was loading it into his truck, my husband made an appearance. I didn't want to be alone with strangers in my house...although my son was in his bedroom sleeping.

After they left, I asked my husband if he was upset about something...he said he read my blog. I asked why that upset him...he said because I left out the part about me yelling at him...I asked when I yelled at him...he said off and on through the discussion. He said he also didn't like the world knowing about our business. I told him that my blog is like a journal for me...a place I should be able to write about what I want. He said he thought it was a place for me to write about J's issues. I told him that this is a family disease and everyone is affected.

I asked him if I could set up a camcorder when we "communicate" and he said, a bit sarcastically, "I'll have to think about it". I asked him if he would go to counseling with me, he said Yes.

I know other bloggers have had the same issue as far as family members not being comfortable with how much is shared on the blog. I want to respect his needs/feelings, but also my own. When I replay the discussion and try to understand why he feels that I was yelling, I'm at a loss. That's why a camcorder would come in handy. I haven't asked about it again and he hasn't given me an answer.

Moving on to other topics...J leaves at 8am on Mother's Day to go into the 3 week DUI rehab. I'll be having the celebration at my house and we'll combine it with my mother's birthday, like we usually do. I asked J the other day if he is surprised at how well he is doing and he said, "Yes".

This is the best Mother's Day gift I could receive!

Anger and "In the Middle"

2010-04-30T03:50:00.000-07:00

I find myself in the same situation as Garnet at her blog. A couple of weeks ago I offered to let my son's girlfriend sleep in our guest bedroom one particular evening. She has been helping to drive him once or twice a week to work or his probation appointment. I don't remember the particulars from that offer, but he declined at the time. Last night, J called asking if she could spend the night (in the guest room), because she could pick him up at 1am and take him to his probation appointment today at 1:15pm, followed by work at 2:00pm.

My husband and I have been taking turns picking him up at 1am. It was planned that J's Aunt was going to take him to work today. I had forgotten about his probation appt. My hours aren't flexible this week, because I'm in training.

I put J on hold when he called to run it by my husband. He said "No, he didn't agree". So, I tried to explain to J and he got upset. I am "in the middle" again. I tried to talk to my husband about it after I hung up from talking with J, but he gets upset if I start questioning him, trying to understand his reasons. I stay calm. Each time he gets upset, I interrupt him and ask if we could try to just talk and stay calm. He makes statements such as "just do what you want", "I'm the bad guy, the "dick" again", "the bottom line is...".

At one point he walks over and standing three feet from my face, spews anger at me. I don't react.

I wait for a few minutes and tell him I won't put up with that kind of anger being directed at me and that I believe he has an anger problem. I ask him if he sees the anger. He says "no". In the past, he has admitted that he has an anger problem, but has done nothing to work on it.

Through the years, there have been a handful of times that his anger has turned physical with J. A push, a slap on the chest, picking him up off of the floor to throw him on the couch, etc. and only once with me, jabbing his finger into my chest repeatedly. I have looked at my part in it, as Garnet said in her post, and can see from his perspective that he feels like I continue questioning him until I get the response I want sometimes. Like an attorney cross-examining. I would like to set up my camcorder so that we could replay it and watch ourselves, each time we try to resolve an issue.

He came in the room a few minutes ago and said, "Sorry about last night". Normally, I say, "O.K.". This time I said "hmm". As I write this out, it sounds like "abuse". I tell myself that he has gotten better. I had quit smoking again for 4 days until this outburst, and felt the need for one last night.

This makes me sad...I welcome your comments.

Bisons, Elk and Bears...Oh My!

2010-04-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

Glacier National Park, Montana is absolutely stunning! My husband and I had the

pleasure of visiting there and Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming in 2006.

We flew into an airport between the two, rented a car and drove to

Glacier first. Driving along the 50 mile "Going to the Sun Road" was gorgeous

and a bit nerve wrecking because of the sheer drop-offs!

We went on a few hikes in the three days we were there.

The most memorable was the 10 mile round trip hike to "Iceberg Lake",

which is pictured below the eagle photo. We saw a brown bear

on the hike, but the photo isn't that great, so I didn't attach it!

This Bison was ambling along the road as we drove by in Yellowstone!

The Elk walked by while we were having a picnic lunch...the

wild life was spectacular!

This waterfall was along one of the hikes we did.

Being a hunter, my husband felt naked without a gun hiking in the wildnerness.

We had some bear mace, but he didn't have much confidence in it. We

had heard that you should make noise when coming around corners,

so we would sing or clap our hands quite frequently,

and felt quite silly at times!

Hope you have a beary nice day today!!

Gratitude

2010-04-26T05:24:00.000-07:00

Almost two weeks have passed since J was in Court. He is doing very well...working 50 hours a week...having some fun...went bowling Saturday night with friends and to a Black and White party with friends last night. A friend of his picked him up...a girl in a "black & white" dress. I told J that if there is any hint of trouble, to call us and we'll come pick him up. Because he's on probation, he has to be very careful. My husband voiced his concerns to me after J left, that what if someone in the car has alcohol or pot and they get stopped, or, what if the party gets out of hand and the police are called and what if...!! I said it is out of our control...all we can do is offer to drive/p/u.

J and I have had a couple of conversations about the past...he assured me that I absolutely did the right thing when I called the police, resulting in him spending 6 months altogether with jail...then "lockdown" rehab. When I asked if there was anything else I could/should have done, he said no, that having "real" consequences of going to prison is what is a huge motivator for him and having had clean time of at least 6 months is also important he said. I believe the reconnection that has occurred between his father and he has also helped in his healing process.

His father asked him how he could help and J said money would be the only way, since he lives 1000 miles away. He has lots of fines, an attorney to finish paying off, will need to have money to buy a car, insurance, BMV fines, etc., etc. He sent him $500 for now.

I mentioned a family friend, whose son is also going through addiction problems to J and the fact that he hasn't been to jail yet. He said that he most likely needs to go. He said that it doesn't usually work for someone who has already been to jail. I believe he is speaking from the experiences that a few of his friends have been through, although most of his friends are just finishing with college and one in particular is heading to Europe in June with another friend.

I just booked another trip leaving in June...this one with a girlfriend. We're heading first to Madrid, Spain for a couple of days, taking the train to Lisbon, Portugal for a couple of days, onto Barcelona, where we'll board a 12 night cruise that stops at: Cannes, France, Florence, Italy, Rome, Naples, Venice (my birthday will fall while we're there), Croatia, Greece and back to Spain, where we'll have to take another train back to Madrid, because that was the most economical air accomodations.

I'm really excited and have been very busy booking all of the details...cruise, rail travel, hotels, etc. etc., buying new sandals and beach hat! My job will end right before the trip leaves and when I approached my husband with the plan, he was surprisingly positive about it. When I called my friend to say it was a go...she kept shrieking and yelling...yeah, yeah!

When opportunity is staring you in the face...in this case...a friend that isn't working right now...has the $...likes to travel the way I do...a day or two in each spot...I say GO for it! J will be in the court ordered rehab for two of the three weeks that we'll be gone, so the timing is good.

Anyway, I'll have new photos to post in a couple of months!

Gratitude:

J is sober...the safety part is up to he and God!!
For trains, planes, buses, cars, motorcycles, bicycles, feet!!
For my understanding husband!!
For my friends (including blog friends) and family!!
For a loving God!!

Cruisin with Mom

2010-04-23T16:49:00.000-07:00

Mom and I went on a 7 night cruise to the Southern Caribbean in 2004.

We flew to San Juan, Puerto Rico a day early so that we could explore. We

walked around "old" San Juan. I rented a car and we drove to

the El Yunque Rain Forest.

The second photo is of "Trunk Bay" in St. John, which is one

of the most beautiful of all!

This is the bay of Greneda and I just loved the women with their fruit baskets!

We were amazed with the guys jumping from a very high spot

on the cliff to the water below at the Annadale Falls in Grenada.

The above photo is of the "Natural Bridge" on the island of Aruba.

I rented a 4-wheel drive vehicle and took it off-road, with the

aid of a map and went careening through sand and

bumping along the coast line, while Mom screamed,

"You're crazy! What are you doing?" as her head

barely missed hitting the top of the vehicle.

I replied, "We're having fun Mom!"

Wonderful memories, except for me not being able to sleep on the ship because of her snoring!

Hope you can find some fun today!!

Up, Up and Away

2010-04-21T04:50:00.000-07:00

This past week, I received an e-mail through that on-line group I've

mentioned before, called meetup.com. It was from a man

who thought we had met the past year at a hike and was

wondering if I'd be interested in helping him get his hot air

balloon in the sky. I asked my husband if he'd be

interested, so he decided to come along.

We rode out on the Harley and only stayed for about an hour.

It was quite fascinating!

That's me helping below...

He had two other people there to pick him up

once he called them with his GPS coordinates.

I love this picture of the inside!

My husband and I were holding the rope that

attached to the top of the balloon and as it rose

we were to pull back to keep it steady.

As you can imagine, it took all of our

strength as it pulled us towards it!

I hurt my toe a couple of weeks ago and it's still

healing, so I had sandals on. I warned my husband

to watch out for my foot...but...it was stepped on...ouch!!

I would like to go for a ride some time...

this was just a test flight for him.

Later, I received an e-mail thanking us for our help and

he said he had a "splash n dash"...touched down in

a pond...and then ultimately came down in a farmer's field!

Dating Adventures

2010-04-18T05:55:00.000-07:00

During the time that my husband and I were divorced, I decided to join Match.com. Although I had other interests to occupy my time, I felt the need for some male company. I wasn't working for the six months that I was surfing for dates, so it became a part-time job...literally...I dated about 35 guys...most of them once...and a handful between two to five dates. Generally, I could tell if there was any chemistry during the first date.

Many of the men didn't look like their pictures! Looks have become less important to me as I've gotten older...although that "hard to define" chemistry is a must!

Being the organized person I am, when I found someone I was interested in....I would print their profile...and make notes on it, after having spoken to them...via e-mail or telephone. Many of them liked to text...a lot...and I don't. I prefer hearing the person's voice.

There was the guy I talked to on the phone who said he had gotten a DUI so if I wanted to meet, it had to be early evening, because he couldn't drive after 8pm. We had a number of conversations before I agreed to meet at a restaurant. There was no spark and when we walked to our vehicles, his was dented in the front and explained that he had hit a pole. Although he assured me he had only one DUI, later when I searched his name on court records, discovered two of them, and upon relaying my findings to him, he said, "I was 19 years old when the first one occurred and my mother had just died".

There was the handsome Italian Engineer, that I was initially attracted to but ultimately that was replaced with boredom. Or the cute blonde who asked me how he looked once we got settled at our table for dinner...uugh!!

I can't leave out the younger 36 year old, who had just been dumped by his girlfriend who was in law school and who said that I was going to help him get over her....NOT!

While questioning one of my first dates as we were waiting for our entrees to arrive, he explained that he still lived in the same house as his "soon-to-be ex...because of the kids". I asked how old the kids were...the youngest was starting college. I don't think so!!

I didn't even recognize one of the men when he entered the restaurant...he looked ten years older than his profile. When I called him on it...he said the picture was a few years old!

I had one scary situation. After meeting a man and hitting it off for lunch, we decided we'd meet later for dinner and that he'd pick me up with his touring motorcycle. I had been out running errands and was on my way home when he called me. We talked for about 15 minutes and as I pulled into my driveway, there he was. Never once did he say during the phone conversation that he was at my condo. I pulled in and immediately told him that wasn't cool and asked him to leave...he did!

I knew to stay away from the guys who had pictures of them bare chested, standing in front of expensive automobiles or posing with his arm on a blonde. It was a learning experience and helped me to hone many life skills. I also conducted an experiment...my first profile was a fairly accurate depiction of my personality...free-spirit, good-hearted...etc...a couple of months later I changed it to just a paragraph long...basically saying I just wanted to have fun and the type of men responding changed. Then I switched it again to reflect my more serious side (I'm a Gemini...go figure) and drew a new type.

During a yearly visit to my gynecologist, I mentioned I was dating and he said, "You'll find that most men over 50 are impotent and alcoholics". I said, "That's comforting"!

Lip Gloss in Costa Rica

2010-04-17T05:17:00.000-07:00

This trip to Costa Rica was in February 2007, right before my

husband and I separated and divorced. I planned the trip and the

first stop of our eight day adventure was about 45 minutes from San Juan.

We stayed at Vista del Valle, which was located

on a coffee plantation. This is a photo of our little bungalow!

Carlos, the Cowboy took us for a ride. It was great fun...

because we got to gallop when we wanted and he

did tricks for us. He even stood up on his saddle while riding!

There was a pool there and although my husband never gets drunk,

he drank too much that first day at the pool. He asked me for

some chap stick, so I took advantage of the situation

and handed him some of my "tinted" lip gloss.

His lips were shiny red and later he wondered why

a gay couple (two guys) were staring at him so intently!

He's a notorious prankster...so I felt no remorse! In the past, he's

turned the hot water off at the source while I was in the shower...brrrr...

and carried out lots of other funny and some...not so funny jokes

at my expense. Last week he had a guy at work photoshop

a picture of one of our friends, "Barry" into the movie ad

for "Brokeback Mountain", called it Brokeback Barry"

and put it on facebook!

We drove to Arenal Volcano and spent an afternoon at the

"Tabacon Hot Springs", which was amazing. It was a

natural hot springs that wound around through the

jungle. You could climb in anywhere and there

was a view of the active volcano!

The photo above that looks like Switzerland is actually of Arenal Lake.

After visiting the Cloud Forest, we drove to our last spot, the

lovely "Manual Antonio" National Park. These are

photos from our balcony.

Hope you enjoyed and don't use your wife's lip gloss!!

Packin Heat

2010-04-15T04:51:00.000-07:00

In 2006, I went on a 2200 mile road trip through New England by myself. My husband was worried about my safely because I had decided to camp at two of the five locations I was visiting. He tucked a pistol in the trunk...between the camping gear. I was more nervous about driving with a concealed weapon than anything else!

First, I drove to a campsite 30 minutes by train from Boston. Boston was everything I had hoped for and more. It was so clean...that's what I remember vividly. The second picture is of the most photographed street in America...except I don't remember the name of it.

I also saw the Holocaust Memorial, went to the top of the Prudential Tower and took a boat ride in the harbor.

This was my campsite in Maine, near

Portland and the second picture

is of the famous "Headlight" lighthouse in Portland.

I then drove to the White Mountains in New Hampshire. I stayed at a place

called "Country Bumpkins" and the owner gave me a tour of his cabin that

was full of antiques that he had collected through the years. I went on a 3 mile

round trip hike through the mountains at 7:30am on a trail called "Lonesome Lake".

It's pictured below. I didn't encounter a soul on the trail, so it was a bit lonesome!

While there I also took the Cog Railway to the top of Mt. Washington.

This is a photo from my "table for one" at Simon Pearce's Restaurant / Glass Shop

in Quechee, Vermont. It was fascinating to watch the glass blowers in action before my meal.

The bottom picture is of a darling chapel at the "Sugarbush farm" in Vermont.

I took many photos of covered bridges and toured the Marsh-Billings

Rockefeller Mansion in Woodstock, Vermont.

My 8 day adventure ended in Niagara Falls...

Hope you enjoyed the photos and have a wonderful day!

Good News

2010-04-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

In Court today, for the felony charge from a year ago, J received "Treatment in Lieu of Conviction". He will have 14 days in Rehab for an assessment, then out-patient treatment, which I believe consists of a couple of months of intensive treatment...3 x week...3 hours per day...random drug screens...follow-up treatment that lasts another 9 months. The attorney that represented him, who has been doing this for 30 years, has never had this situation before, two felonies in two different counties at approximately the same time, and both of them granting "Treatment in Lieu of Conviction".

I have been praying every day for J, along with about 40 other people, including many of you, and believe that, not only were my prayers answered, but J is one lucky guy! He'll have to also serve 20 days in rehab for the DUI in May. He's not sure how this will affect his job, but he is grateful for the outcome. Since I started my training for the Census Bureau, his step-dad took him today.

His girlfriend is on Suboxone and seems to be on the right track also. She's still in college part-time and picks him up from work occasionally. J's work hours changed from 4pm-4am....to....2pm-1am....so my husband went to get him last night and asked why one of the guys at work, who lives near here can't drive him. J said that the guy smokes pot at work (outside), so he doesn't want to drive with him. Good thinking!!

Much to be thankful for in our home!!

Much peace, love and joy to everyone!

Nature on my Street

2010-04-11T11:33:00.000-07:00

Where I like to enjoy nature!

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

God writes the gospel not in the Bible alone, but on trees and flowers and clouds and stars. ~Martin Luther

Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better. ~Albert Einstein

Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.

~Kahlil Gibran

One touch of nature makes the whole world kin. ~William Shakespeare

Hope you have an inspired day!

New Harley...New Boobs...Scrapbooking

2010-04-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

My husband purchased a new Harley soon after I purchased new Boobs! I guess they go together some how! I guess this is TMI, but I'm proud of them, just like he is of his bike. My Doctor actually referred to it as "reconstructive surgery", because they're not bigger than they were "before menopause". The other day my mom asked me, "Do you still like your new boobs?" I said, "Of course", as I'm thinking...that's an odd question!

You may be wondering what do a harley, boobs and scrapbooking have to do with each other. Actually nothing, but I wanted to also post some pics of J when he was younger. I have two large scrapbooks of our lives until he was 16 years old, at which point I stopped, probably because of "the teenage years"!

Oh, and J is doing great so far...his job is going well...he seems happier. He thinks 2nd shift is great for him, because of his sleep disorder and because he's not available to go out with friends in the evenings, except on the weekends.

Thanks to all of you for your comments, wisdom, and prayers!

...and here are some quotes about families...

“Whatever they grow up to be, they are still our children, and the one most important

of all the things we can give to them is unconditional love. Not a love that depends on

anything at all except that they are our children.” ~ Rosaleen Dickson

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts. ~Author Unknown

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. ~Desmond Tutu

When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would

be impossible to endure them. ~George Bernard Shaw

My Grandfather

2010-04-07T15:01:00.000-07:00

My paternal grandfather was an amazing man! He is the boy sitting in the middle in the above picture. The first time I remember meeting him, I was 16 years old. I flew to Florida with my father...my first trip on a plane...and stayed with he and my grandmother for a week. I was told they visited a couple of times during my childhood, but I have no memory of this. He lived to be 100 and passed away in 2004. He was still playing the violin, driving and using his computer!

He wrote a 35 page autobiography in the 90's and I'd like to share some of it with you. There are many stories that I'd like to share, but unfortunately, it was necessary to greatly condense it. These are his words:

My ancestors came to Long Island from England and then settled in North Carolina in 1693. I was born in Indiana and my father made a living repairing things, mostly watches and clocks. In his spare time he made violins. He was a nut about violins. In fact, he would rather scratch a tune out of a violin than food out of the earth.

He told me in later years that he had made his first violin out of a shingle but when his father caught him playing it, he broke it into pieces. The Quakers had strong beliefs about having too much fun and the violin was considered a tool of the devil.

My mother was a talented painter and painted professionally before she married Dad. My father worked as a general mechanic for a period of time and one of the workmen gave me a large dry battery. I began gathering discarded dry batteries that had been junked because of low voltage. These connected in series would provide enough power to operate a small electric motor Dad had bought me, as well as a spark-coil. The seed was sown. That was the forerunner of me becoming a radio engineer.

About this time Dad began pressuring me to take up the violin, but I wasn't interested. He paid a teacher fifty cents a lesson to teach me, but when he decided I was spending too much time with electricity and not enough practicing the violin, he stopped paying the teacher. My teacher told me that he would teach me for free if I wanted to continue. I suppose it was just spite that caused me to continue with the lessons. Later when I earned some money teaching violin, I repaid the teacher.

A friend had given me an old copy of the boy scout's handbook that showed how to build a small receiver using a "coherer" and 2 electric door bells, and that's how I made my first receiver. My father had given me a nice seven jewel Elgin pocket watch in a gold filled case and I traded it to a school friend for a bunch of junk, coils, wire, a pair of headphones and a magnetic vibrator type battery charger. When I brought the stuff home, I sure caught hell. I got all of this for a bargain, because World War I had just been declared and the Commerce Department had stopped the use of all ham equipment. Consequently, my friend had decided to get out of ham "wireless". The word "radio" was coined several years later.

My first job was picking strawberries on a farm about 3 miles from home, and I had to walk to work. Next, I worked for the largest grocery store in town and was told I could eat anything in the store, and as much as I wanted, and I did. I was 10 years old at the time and I suffered working the long hours. I worked from 7am until 11pm, on my feet the entire time and then after the store closed I had to go with the delivery truck and deliver bushel baskets of food all over town. I finished around 2:30am and then had to walk a mile home. I usually couldn't sleep very well after this because of severe leg cramps.

The next summer I worked for a sheet-metal company that made running boards, fenders and hoods for automobiles. My pay was 7 cents an hour and I worked 10 hours per day. I got a job at the "Remy Electric Company" the following summer.

World War I was over and I got my ham operator and station licenses in 1920 and began operating legally. Concurrently, I was taking violin lessons at the Metropolitan School of Music at Indianapolis, attending high school, and playing in the school orchestra. When I was 16 years old, I decided to join the Musicians Union hoping to make a little money. This was during the day of the silent movies. I tried out for a job in the orchestra at the "Starland", a local theater and got it. The pay was $35 for seven days a week 2:00-4:00pm and 7:00-10:30pm.

He's the tall guy behind the drummer

I had various positions at the following venues:

Riviera Theater...violinist; Meridian Theater Orchestra... Leader; Murat Theater; English Opera House; Ohio Theater; Isis Theater, Kokomo...Leader; Circle Theater, Indianapolis...Violinist; Lowe’s Palace Theater...Concert Master; and the Madison Theater, Illinois...Violinist, Indiana Theater; Concert Master at Cincinnati Civic Symphony; Orange College Symphony Orchestra, California; Stetson University Symphony; Concert Master with the Daytona Beach Little Symphony and Director of the Debary Concert Orchestra.

Many of the big name stars were in these shows, such as Eddie Cantor, Jack Benny, Al Jolson, Fannie Brice, Bob Hope, Dick Powell and Paul Whiteman.

In 1923, I married my wife and nine months later our first son was born, followed in 1929 with our last son.

After retiring in 1969, I played for the Hendersonville Symphony, in North Carolina and gave violin performances at churches, the Salvation Army, and retirement homes.

My other positions were as follows:

Phototone Company in Indiana as designer of amplifiers for their theater sound systems and then promoted to Chief.

Eli Lilly traveling to hospitals and clinics showing a film about insulin for diabetes that they had just developed.

WLW in Cincinnati as an engineer in the studio, master control recording, remote pickups, transmitter operation and maintenance. I was working there during the Flood of 1937. It was a site to behold, looking down into 3rd street below, seeing small boats traveling in the water covering the street pavement.

WSAI as Chief Engineer.

VOA, Munich, Germany, Transmitter Supervisor, Foreign Service Staff Officer in the State Dept. and then Studio Supervisor.

United States Information Agency, Bonn, Germany as Technical Chief of the Radio Branch and later transferred to W. Berlin in the same capacity.

Chief at KFOX in California.

I started a company that did consulting for the Defense Contracting Industry.

Radio Free Europe, Darmstadt, Germany and lived there for 11 years before retiring to Florida.

He's the fellow on the right

Some of my other accomplishments include:

Designed and built a portable sound projector - - assigned patent rights to a Company in exchange for commission. The Company went bankrupt during the 1929 stock market crash.

Built a portable public address system – made extra money with it through neighborhood picnics and on the side for WLW.

Elected Steward and Executive Board Member and later Local Union President and Business Mgr. for the new Union (I believe it was IBEW).

Member of The Masonic Blue Lodge, Scottish Rite & Syrian Temple Shrine.

I visited Mittenwald, Germany, bought 100 yr. old wood, shipped it to my father in Indiana and he made two violins, which he thought were the finest in his collection.

One of my favorite writers, Sydney Harris said “The violin is unique in that no other instrument sounds more heavenly when played well or more agonizing when played badly”.

Here are a few of my observations:

Knowledge, education, curiosity, imagination and perseverance all went into the making of the transistor and I believe the transistor and its progeny have done more for our scientific world today than anything else. Just look at what has been accomplished with the use of electronics in medical science. The microchip, which is nothing more than many tiny transistors in a small package. It is extremely important in the space program, computers and most electronic devices.

Those five words: knowledge, education, curiosity, imagination and perseverance applies to anything worth doing. There is a sixth word--challenge, which is of great importance. All of these, coupled with an understanding of human nature are the ingredients necessary for getting along in this world. It is also a good idea to practice "The Golden Rule".

This was his 80th Birthday party. They had a

40 year old belly dancer for him.

The same belly dancer came out of retirement

20 years later for his 100th Birthday party!

My Mother

2010-04-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

When my mother was living with me last year, I composed a five page typewritten mini "autobiography" for her. Following the ideas from a website called "Living Legacies", I questioned her extensively and discovered many things about her that I previously wasn't aware of.

When she was born in the early 1930's, there was a mid-wife to herald her birth. She was one of eleven children, born into poverty. Her parents did share-cropping for a few years and life was difficult in the country.

There was no electricity or running water. Coal oil lamps were used and there was an outhouse. They didn’t own a car, so walking was a necessity. A horse and wagon was used to transport their possessions when they moved. The boys were the horsepower to pull the plow for farming!

Rainwater was collected to wash hair and bath time came around once a week. Her mother would cut everyone’s hair when necessary. Although mom was a tall and skinny girl, she chopped wood, carried water from a spring, helped with doing laundry on a washboard, and would knock hens off of their nests, so she could gather their eggs. One of her sisters miled the cows. They had pigs and usually a few dogs and cats.

The boys would sleep together in one bed and the girls in another bed. Mom remembers having to pick dandelions for soup, because they had very little food. There were the cherished memories of her mother making cornbread, fried chicken, milk gravy, chicken & dumplings, bacon, eggs, and homemade blackberry pies.

Mother wore hand-me-down clothing and Grandma would make broom-stick skirts for the girls. When the holidays came, there were peppermint sticks for Christmas and Turkey was a treat for Thanksgiving. She has fond memories of playing hide-n-seek, swimming in the creek, playing with dolls, and her brothers making homemade toys out of sticks. They picked berries and shelled walnuts.

Gathered together, sitting on the floor, the children enjoyed listening to radio broadcasts of "The Shadow", "Inner Sanctum" and the "Squeaky Door".

She left home when she was 17 years old and lived with one of her older sisters for a year, before moving to the YWCA. She married my father in her early 20's.

Life was difficult for Mom as she was raising her three children, because Dad changed jobs frequently and the lack of money was a constant. She felt frustrated because she couldn’t provide much for her children in the way of clothes or any activities that required money. There were no family vacations, except for camping.

Dad and Mom owned a Deli for a while, and Mother worked behind the counter, while Dad grew his beard long and traveled through Amish villages, purchasing meats and cheeses from them.

Mother’s next job was laundering napkins at a restaurant/nightclub. I had left home at this point and was in the military.

Dad began drinking while we were still children and there was much turmoil through the years. They ultimately divorced in 1981 and Mother moved to a small apartment. She met her next husband shortly thereafter and remarried in 1983.

For the past 20 years she was an Apartment Complex Manager and her husband was the Maintenance Man there. She has fond memories of her years with him, before he died in 2001. They went fishing, had picnics and grilled out, went to dinner with her sisters, had friends that lived in the apartment complex and enjoyed many good times with them.

Beginning around 1995, Mother had a ghost that would harass her every night in the apartment that she and her husband lived in, until she moved out in 2008. She had a team of paranormal investigators spend the night once and they recorded activity.

In November, 2008, Mother was informed that she has a giant aneurysm at the base of her skull and they don’t want to operate on it. She was in a nursing home and not doing well, so I quit my job and she moved in to my home so that I could take care of her. She improved rapidly and a year later she moved into a senior citizen apartment nearby.

The following are some of mother’s thoughts, beliefs and opinions:

• She believes in God, heaven and hell.

• If she could have three wishes they would be to own a small compact house, that my older brother would stop drinking and that her aneurysm would disappear.

• Her advice to young people is: To live life without drinking too much and without anger.

• Her advice to married people is: To love one another like you would love yourself.

• She is sometimes afraid of the thought of death and other times, not.

• Her greatest challenge in life has been her oldest son, because he has been mean and angry with her for most of his life.

• The most generous thing she’s ever done is: sacrificing many of her wants/needs/money in trying to change her son into a loving son.

• The meaning of life to her is: It is what you make it. God gave us life to see what kind of individuals we would be on earth.

Nature...Disconcerting Phone Call...Humor

2010-04-05T06:35:00.000-07:00

This is a picture I took of a squirrel in the back yard, nibbling on a piece of bread that my husband threw off the deck yesterday. We enjoyed watching him drop it...run down the tree to retrieve it...and then back up to resume his meal.

We had just fallen asleep last night when my phone rang at 10:15pm. It was a man's voice asking for "_______", which is the name of my husband. I asked who was calling and the name sounded familiar. Immediately, I'm on alert because 1) we don't usually get phone calls that late; 2) why was he calling on my phone asking for my husband; 3) my son's past drug life.

The name doesn't sound familiar to my husband and in his fuzzy half-asleep brain, he's telling him he doesn't know anyone by that name. The man says, "Aren't you the friend of _____'s?", as I whisper, in my fuzzy half-asleep brain, "I think it's the father of one of J's friends", so then husband says to the man, "Oh, sure, how are you?" The man then says, "The plant will be ready by the 8th or 9th. What day is better for you?" Husband says, "What?" Man then repeats himself. Husband says, "Oh, the 8th would be better". Man then says, "O.K., I'll give you a call then". Husband says, "O.K., talk to you then".

After he hangs up, we're both very confused. Husband says it was a drug deal, I say, are you sure, maybe by plant he means something else. We call J on speakerphone and ask him if he knows this person, he says "Yes, I'm going to his wedding in May".

To summarize the outcome: My son has used my phone a few times when his battery has been low, because he left his charger at his Aunt's and he had called this friend from my phone a few days ago. This friend was trying to reach someone that has the same first name as my husband and hit redial for the wrong phone number. My son was very concerned that we were thinking he was involved in something, which we have to admit crossed our minds. When we thought it through, we realized that it didn't involve J because the friend asked for someone else, not J.

Anyway, J had called the friend when he hung up from us and then called us back to talk about it. As we were talking, the friend called us and apologized. He explained the mishap and said he wanted to make sure that we knew that J was turning his life around and had nothing to do with this. I thanked him for calling back and said, "If you don't stop what you're doing, you'll end up eventually getting into trouble also!"

It dredged up past fears and reminded me of how vulnuerable our emotions are!

....and to end on a humorous note

My husband was relaying a funny incident that happened the other day with our roommate. He said that I wasn't home this particular day, when he was standing in the kitchen and had terrible gas. He was just in the middle of releasing a very loud "fart", when he heard her dainty footsteps rounding the corner. He turned and said that her eyes were very wide and she almost started running out the door with a horrified look on her face!

My husband finds these topics of humanity to be very humorous and was almost crying with laughter as he shared this moment with me!

I hope that everyone can find something to laugh about every day!

Happy Easter

2010-04-04T04:40:00.000-07:00

Update on J:

Although he doesn't share much with me about his feelings, he is quite vocal concerning my driving. It seems I'm a bit fuzzy headed when he's in the car and a few times have almost missed turning where I'm supposed to...I'm sure it has nothing to do with waking up at 3:30am to pick him up...having a new route to learn....or his surliness with me.

I'm what you would call an "assertive" driver. I have never had an accident that was my fault and no one ever has to honk their horn at me. I got fed up with his comments the other day, so when he said, "I don't understand why you drive the way you do", I calmly said, "I don't understand why you seem to take your irritability out on me, not your father, your step-father, your girlfriend, just me! I have been driving much longer than you have been alive and have never had an accident that was my fault, so if you don't like it, find another ride and just shut up!" It worked like a charm, he's been much nicer.

At Court last week, he was sentenced to 20 days, $525 in fines and 2 years license suspension, retroactive from March 2009, for the DUI from a year ago...that was continued many times. The Judge gave him the option of serving the time in jail or rehab. He has his last Court appearance for the felony drug possession this week and depending on the outcome of that, will then go back before the other Judge to give him his decision. The rehab will cost $600, if he chooses that. He didn't think it was worth $600 to avoid jail and I said it was a drop in the bucket compared to the money I've already put out and that he was worth it! Later, after telling his father about it, he said he would pay for it.

Update on Sherry:

I volunteered to tutor a child on Saturday. She's in 6th grade and smart. We had 3 1/2 hrs. to go over reading and math. Initially things were going well, but then she began testing. She'd get up to sharpen her pencil...5 times...open the window...2 times...secretly start texting with her phone, until I caught on...argue about answers that were wrong, insisting they were right...talk loudly disturbing others in the room. I tried to keep her focused and on task, but when that didn't work, I ignored her and then she had to get me to focus. It worked!

I moved my computer out of the master bedroom into another bedroom, so I don't wake my husband since I'm getting up so early. I bought a few new pictures for the walls to make it more homey.

I went to a new hairdresser this week and just love my hair and her! As we got to know each other, she asked about my son and I told her about his addiction problems. She then opened up to me about her sister's problems and how it has affected her and her mother. I told her about my travel adventures and she then shared that she has a fear of traveling too far from home. She's in her 20's...very cute...and her boyfriend moved to Texas. She was going to visit him this weekend and was afraid that once she arrived she would feel panicked that she may not be able to get back home...an irrational fear. She said that just hearing about my travels...most of them by myself...helped her. It's amazing how we can help people just by being open!

Last night, as I sat on the deck letting thoughts float through my mind, I had a sudden urge to go buy an Easter basket for my roommate, whom I barely know. In the past four months, we've spoken a total of perhaps 10 minutes. She's an engineer, 27 yrs. old, from New York...her family comes from the Mariana Islands in the South Pacific. I've accepted the situation as it is...she doesn't want a relationship with us...even to the point of not saying "hello" if you're sitting in the living room and she arrives home and passes through to go downstairs to her space. My husband thinks she is "bitchy, rude, and wierd".

Anyway, I ran out and got a basket, a plush bunny, an organic chocolate bar, hummus, organic black bean tortilla chips, guacomole, burts bee body butter, and a small potted rose plant. She was in her office when I went downstairs to give it to her and I said, "Here is an early Easter basket", she said, "I don't celebrate Easter" as she shook her head and the look on her face was priceless. I said, "It's just a present then...to make you feel good". She said, "You didn't have to do this". I said, "I know, I wanted to". So, she gave me a hug!

Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate and Happy Day to those of you who don't!

Sinful

2010-04-01T16:53:00.000-07:00

In my chocolate covered dreams
A river flows in deep dark, sweet waves
Her sweetness lingers long after we kiss
tempting both the mortal and divine

Sinfully delectable
Heavenly wicked
I taste

Seducing my senses with secret charms
To resist is hopeless

A luscious molten language of love
Shackles me forever to her shifting form

Write a story or poem with exactly 55 words

Go see Mr. G if you'd like to play

@ Mr. G

(he knowsitall and counts 'em all too!)

What do I want to be when I grow up?

2010-03-31T07:07:00.000-07:00

I've always been envious of people who seemed to know from early on what they wanted to do with their lives. There are the musicians, artists, actors, authors, athletes, etc. that we see in the media, living their passions. Most people I know do not jump out of bed eager to get to their job!

I joined the military out of high school so that I could get my college paid for and haphazardly chose to get a B.S. in Business Administration, because I thought it would be the most marketable degree. I went to school at night part time for eight years while working full time as a Legal Secretary to obtain my degree. My son was born one week before I graduated.

I continued working in the legal field for a while, followed by a couple of years as a Personnel Manager and most recently as a Catering/Sales Manager helping people plan their corporate and social events.

The last few years I've been thinking about what career I'd like to have that would fill me with joy. I feel bored and trapped working in an office setting. I tried making a list of my interests, such as travel, organizing, photography, interior design, real estate agent, and health/wellness, to name a few. I would then think about the additional schooling that would be required or the risk involved with starting a business and would stay stuck.

My main passion is travel and I've been blessed the last few years to be able to travel extensively. I realize that travel and adventure is my passion and that is when I feel most alive and joy-filled. I've been reading about successful people and how they've made their dreams come to fruition.

They all basically follow the same recipe to success. They have a burning desire, which they create a definite, detailed plan for carrying out that desire and envision themselves several times a day living that desire.

There is no better time to start than today!

Current Events and Feelings

2010-03-29T03:43:00.000-07:00

I will start a two month assignment with the Census Bureau as a Crew Leader in a couple of weeks. I will be training people to do the door-to-door work. There will be some evening and weekend work...for a total of 40 hrs. per week. I am grateful that I will have some income! J started his job Friday evening. His Aunt, where he's staying...said she'll be working from home two days a week, so she could take him to work on those days. There may be an opening for daytime shift in a few weeks because one of the workers may need surgery, and J's friend, who is on that shift could transport him. That's what we're hoping for!

J's initial enthusiasm has been replaced with a sense of depression and anxiety...which he may be saving for me. I'm quite sure around his friends/girlfriend, he acts differently. Perhaps this is his subconscious way of "acting out" to pull me back into my old patterns. His allergies have started acting up again...probably from the smoking...which I'm sure contributes to "crankyness". I really haven't seen him much since he's been out. He spent Thursday and Friday evening at a friend's place with his girlfriend and the last two evenings at his Aunt's.

He has court tomorrow for the DUI and will most likely have to serve 20 days in jail, but there's a good chance he won't have to serve the time for a few months because of over-crowded jail conditions. This is weighing on his mind...along with his credit card debt. His father told him that he'd help him get it paid off within a year.

I've been busy gardening, powerwashing the deck, spray painting lawn furniture etc. and making a list of "classic" books that I'd like to read. I'm paying attention to my thoughts/feelings as they surface and noticed that while I was doing the back breaking yard work, I felt resentment that my husband wasn't helping much...especially when he was on the phone for an hour in the garage...or went to a friend's house to target shoot.

I would try to switch my thoughts to ones of gratitude that I had the time and energy to do the work. It doesn't have to be on my time schedule and to my level of thoroughness!
Gratitude:

J is safe and sober
I got a job
Free will & choice
My crockpot...easy cooking
Life

Peace, love and blessings

Home...Sweet Home

2010-03-24T19:14:00.000-07:00

I picked J up from rehab at 10am. While I was waiting in the car for him, another lady waiting in her vehicle spoke to me as our sons were coming out and said that she was scared. I asked her why and she said of not knowing if this is it…meaning the last time!

J and I hugged each other and he picked me up…he was so happy to be out! He wanted me to bring a pack of cigarettes with me, so he immediately lit one up. The first stop was his probation officer, followed by home.

He was on the phone for a while, talking to different friends. He went through his closet and pulled out a stack of shirts that he’s had for years and then wanted to go shopping. We went to an outlet mall, but didn’t find anything since he’s 6’9” tall, so we went to another store and bought some new socks, undershirts, etc. He decided he will order a few things online. He hates to shop and started to get very anxious.

Later in the car, I said that I suspected he was getting used to “delayed gratification”, in relation to having to wait for things while in jail/rehab and now for the clothes. He said that was odd because they had talked about that topic in one of his classes at the rehab.

He mentioned a few times, that he was trying to take it all in…the freedom! I guess it was a little overwhelming after being locked up for six months.

I was talking to him about his Aunt’s condo where he will be staying part of the time and mentioned that the extra bedroom smells like urine from their dog, even though it’s been shampooed…so he said…oh that’s great…then I mentioned that their dog is an ankle biter…so he said oh that’s really great! He cracked me up the way he said it…it felt good to laugh with him!

We went out to dinner...which made him a little nervous because according to probation he’s not supposed to be in any establishment that serves alcohol. Almost all restaurants serve alcohol! I said in the future we could get take out. Anyway, after coming back home, I played Guitar Hero with him.

He told me stories about how some of the men in the rehab were sent to prison for taking drugs that were given to them during visitation from family! They would do regular and random drug testing.

He already has a job working 60-70 hours a week that he will start on Monday in a machine shop. It’s the same job he had been doing for a couple of weeks before he went to jail back in August. The hours are 3rd shift, 4pm-4am, and we discussed it during dinner. I said that I would drive him to/fro, which means I will be getting up at 3:30am 5-6 days per week. It is a temporary solution, because I need to start working also!

He thanked me for driving him places, for purchasing the clothes, for dinner, etc. His girlfriend is picking him up and they’re going to a friend’s house. He said he will probably spend the night there. I made it clear that she cannot spend the night here…and since he’s a red blooded young male…well you know what I mean.

I am taking it day by day and today...I am grateful for the time spent with my son!

Trusting our Gut & God

2010-03-23T08:37:00.000-07:00

We’ve all heard that it’s important in many situations to be able to “trust our gut” or “intuition” regarding many decisions in our life. These feelings can cause us to decide not to date someone or to move to a city that we’ve just visited that we know is our new “home”. Sometimes, we’ve forged ahead with a decision although there is that internal voice/feeling saying…no…don’t do it!

As a child we heard the phrases, “Look before you leap. Stop and think. Don't judge a book by its cover." Instinct, or intuition, remains in us as adults, but is usually underdeveloped. Instinct is insight based not on reason, but on awareness. When we allow it back into our consciousness, we can become more effective in many areas of life.

We need to increase our self-awareness and when we suppress our feelings, we actually hinder this awareness. Acknowledging and identifying our feelings is the beginning of this process. Asking ourselves, “How am I feeling now, about this situation or person?”

We also need to be aware of others’ feelings and motivations, by being a good listener…not just to the words…but to the nonverbal communication.

"He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened."

-- Tao Te Ching

When I married my first husband, I had that internal voice, but I was 29 years old and my biological time clock was ticking…I wanted a child! There were other instances where I wanted to give the person the benefit of the doubt and buried that voice that was nagging me. Of course, there are situations that I went with my “gut feeling”. One such instance, was when my son was a baby and was ill with a fever of 103. I had traveled by plane to visit my mother-in-law and she didn’t think he needed to go to the hospital, but I insisted and he had pneumonia.

These feelings seem to emerge from our inner being, but actually begin with a perception of something outside—a facial expression, a tone of voice, a visual inconsistency so fleeting you're not even aware you noticed.

I believe that intuition is a combination of our brain’s stored knowledge from past experiences and also our emotional state of being. We’ve heard the term “paralysis by analysis”…if we try to make decisions without heeding our emotional feelings, then we tend to take too many details into account and take an hour to decide which detergent is best to buy. Or on the converse, we can make bad choices, if we only let emotion guide us, especially in areas we don’t have much expertise or knowledge of.

Many of us believe what we want to believe…denial. It is possible to justify just about anything: the brain is great at coming up with reasons. As parents or the spouse of an addict, our emotions…fear, guilt, anger…tend to guide us because we are so vested in the outcome. Many of us have built up experiences of dealing with some of the issues from our childhood, but they were also experiences that were driven through emotion.

When we’ve been lied to, stolen from, cheated on, it is difficult to trust again. Trusting ourselves and God is a good place to start!

Couldn't Sleep...

2010-03-22T04:36:00.000-07:00

I got up at 4:15 am this morning...couldn't sleep...I think because I jogged 2 miles yesterday. Although I've been active doing Yoga twice a week and went for a 13 mile bike ride last Thursday, I have to recondition myself to jogging at least 3 x per week and then my sleep is not affected.

Or, it could be the new vitamins I started taking...too much energy! My husband got up during the night to sleep in the guest bedroom and he just came in and said that he couldn't sleep because I was snoring and smacking my lips...embarrassing...he is a very light sleeper though!

J was not approved for his home visit on Saturday because he didn't get the paperwork turned in far enough in advance. He handled it really well, probably because he knows he's being released on Wednesday. It was a disappointment...I had purchased steaks to grill for dinner and we had plans to go out to eat for breakfast and lunch.

I made good use of my time though...I went to the landscaping store with my husband's truck and got a ton of gravel to put below the deck and twelve stepping stones to make a path from the driveway to the lower level porch and deck...and dug the spaces out in the dirt for placing them. I need fourteen more...so off to the landscaping store today! My husband was a bit upset because the truck is not made for that much weight...and he was concerned that it might damage the axle or something like that! Too bad we didn't have the device shown in the above picture!

I went to my ex-sister-in-law's (my brother's ex-wife) yesterday to help clean/paint for a few hours. That is where J will be living for a few months, or until she sells it. I skipped Church to go and she was at Church while I worked. Her son, my nephew had moved out months ago to live with friends while he is going to college, so only my niece is there now. She will also be heading to college this fall. J is apprehensive about moving there because we're not very close...as in emotionally close...to them.

I have been feeling quite peaceful lately...taking it day by day...and feeling gratitude for everyone/everything in my life.

I am going to miss Lou and Madison...as I know all of you are!

Much love, peace and happiness to everyone!

55 - The Divine Encounter

2010-03-18T16:59:00.000-07:00

Snuggled in my bed to nap
Alone and wistful
Thoughts begin to float
Drifting, dreaming

Fingertips stroke my cheek
Energy coursing through each cell
Flowing with celestial love

Struggling through layers of consciousness
Awakening with wonder…

God, was that you

Who filled me with such pure tranquility
If only for a lifetime

Forsaken no more

Write a story or poem with exactly 55 words

Go see Mr. G if you'd like to play

@ Mr. G

(he knowsitall and counts 'em all too!)

Beauty...Life

2010-03-18T06:50:00.000-07:00

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sunday evening my husband got home from visiting a cousin for the weekend, and I had a card with 10 things that I love about him in it and I had bought a wooden display case for the flag from his father's funeral, back in May, and had that on display in the family room.

He was really pleased and it brought tears to his eyes. Since then, every morning he's been bringing coffee to me in bed!

In Church on Sunday, the Principal from a local school spoke about the need for tutors to get her children ready for the State's Assessment exam. I posted the dates on Meetup and have some volunteers!

I met a lady at the facility J is in during a family night a few weeks ago and asked her if she'd like to go to dinner, so we went last night. She is a busy executive and doesn't have any friends that have an addicted child...nor do I...so it was nice to talk about our lives. We have so much in common, we both believe it was God's plan for us to meet.

J is supposed to get a 12 hour home pass this Saturday, but they didn't tell him he had to fill out a form to be approved, so he got the form submitted and will hopefully hear today. He'll be released for good next Wednesday, but as I've mentioned in other posts he has two more court dates with the other County within three weeks of his release.

Have a wonderful weekend....and rejoice in life!

Romance

2010-03-14T06:57:00.000-07:00

I think that most people like romance. We each have our own ideas of what words or actions display romance. When we show romance towards our partners, we are actually showing our love. It makes the other person feel special and helps to build up their self-esteem and confidence!

I brought this up to my husband recently and he said that when I went out a few mornings in the cold/snow at 6am to warm up his truck, that he found that to be romantic.

My roommate and I park in the garage...but his Harley has a spot in there also...so he's not totally left out in the cold.

Anyway, through the years I have said that I wished he would be more romantic. I believe that the more you give of something, the return is multiplied...so...I've started a list of ways that I can be romantic with my husband.

1. While in public, declare "I love you, _________!"

2. When your partner least expects it, give him a great big kiss, even if it's in public!

3. Send a text message or email that says "I love you!"

4. Follow him into the bathroom at a party and make out with him.

5. Invite him to take a bath complete with bubbles, champagne (beer...if he’s like my husband), candles, and music.

6. Surprise him at work and take him out to lunch, maybe a picnic in the park.

7. Cook a special love meal of your partner's favorite foods. Play his favorite music and turn the lights low for a romantic dinner.

8. Give him a pedicure and foot rub.

9. Offer a back massage with lotion.

10. Mail a card and inside write down the top 10 things you love about him.

11. Give him a picture of you for his wallet that says "I love you."

12. King for a Day. Declare that you will dedicate a particular day just to do whatever he wants. Maybe start with breakfast in bed.

13. Make little "I love you" notes and post them in surprising places: the bathroom, in his shoe, the car, under his pillow.

14. Take an interest in your partner's interests. If he likes basketball, watch a game on T.V. with him.

15. Dedicate a song to him on the radio and send him an email telling him when to listen.

16. Find a hotel that has a jacuzzi and book it for a one night getaway somewhere close but fun.

17. Place an ad in the classifieds declaring your love. Then take the newspaper, wrap it in a bow, and put a little note on it saying what page to look on.

18. Make a donation to charity in the name of your love for your partner.

19. Create a small blog dedicated to him. Write a short love message each day for a month...or forever.

20. Complete that chore or favor that he has wanted you to do for a long time.

No matter how small or large the effort, the end result is the same!

Hope you have a day filled with love!!

Goals

2010-03-13T16:50:00.000-08:00

I was never one for setting goals...not to say I haven't accomplished quite a few things in my life so far...but I started a list of short term and long term goals a few weeks ago and some of them are:

Attend Church regularly
Read the bible and pray daily
Advance my yoga practice
Attend a weekly Naranon/Alanon meeting
Learn to play the piano
Learn to speak Spanish
Take an Art glass
Learn more about photography
Go on a church mission
Travel to countries in Africa; Argentina, Chile, New Zealand, etc. etc.

I've made progress in the top five, so far! I understand now why it is important to get them down on paper, because you feel more committed to them and see your progress more easily.

Next, I want to make a bucket list!

Today's gratitude list:

J is safe and sober
The availability of renting free music CD's at the library to download for my I-Pod
The cute cards I found at Target today to send to friends for Easter
My sore muscles from "hot" yoga...it means I'm getting stronger
That I like to spend time with myself

Love, peace and happiness to all of you!

Life in Motion

2010-03-11T16:42:00.000-08:00

Swaying on my seat down low

Spinning round and round

Rampant energy

Uphill…downhill

Rushed and wobbly

From there to here

Breathing

Seeing

Sampling

Hearing

Feeling

Falling…Hurting…Rising

Gasping

Perceiving

Savoring

Listening

Grasping

Channeled spirit

Cycling to and fro

Centered on my seat up high

Straight…level

Controlled and steady

From here to there

Write a story or poem with exactly 55 words

Go see Mr. G if you'd like to play

@ Mr. G

(he knowsitall and counts 'em all too!)

Grief

2010-03-09T08:39:00.000-08:00

After having taken a closer look at grief, it occurred to me that as parents of a drug addict, we also go through the 7 stages of grief, as do the addicts themselves…if we allow ourselves to. Sometimes the stages are overlapping and sometimes when we think we’ve reached the end, we find ourselves immersed back in a previous stage.

Unlike a death, where there is an end, when faced with long term active addiction, then sobriety which usually is the result of a crisis...followed by hope...followed by relapse, it’s apparent that reaching the final stage of acceptance is more difficult.

I will list the stages and relate them to my journey through this process.

Shock

Shock initially is the body/mind's way of saving us from the devastating pain. It numbs our feelings and resembles a living death.

I remember when my son called me at 6am in March of 2008, in a drugged voice, to tell me that he had been charged with a DUI, and had been taking massive quantities of xanax. Of course I was shocked and continued to be shocked as each new crisis occurred.

Denial

Denial is our mind's attempt to protect us from reality. This is normal, but if it is prolonged, it prevents recovery, both their's and our's.

I was in denial until some point during the summer of 2009, even after he was charged with a felony drug possession and other misdemeanors that occurred in March of 2009. Concurrent with this I was dealing with my mother’s serious illness in December of 2008 that resulted in my decision to leave my career, move her in with me so that I could take care of her, and remarrying my ex-husband in January of 2009.

Anger

We are angry with them for the things that they say and do…or don’t say and do, angry with ourselves for what we did not do to save them…or what we did do, or angry with God for allowing this to happen. Anger begins to dissipate when we are able to forgive ourselves and others, create boundaries and stick to them and when we understand that most people will think or even say hurtful things because they are not educated about addiction and may possibly be unhappy with their current set of circumstances.

At first glance, I couldn’t remember much anger, but in retrospect, initially I was angry before I even knew that he was an addict, because he had been given much in life: talent, intellect, love, material things and in return he was lazy, unmotivated, and at times manipulative and disrespectful. My hopes, dreams and expectations for him were not coming to fruition.

I was angry and feeling very unappreciated after putting my life on hold, to be available to chauffeur him to court, to random drug tests, to court ordered out patient pre-phase drug rehab, to NA meetings, etc. etc., while he was unmotivated to job hunt, help around the house, forging NA meeting attendance slips, etc. etc. I was angry that I allowed him to manipulate me, show disrespect and vent his anger at me.

I’ve been angry and hurt because others don’t give the support that I need…because they don’t understand. Angry that society and even some of those close to us think that they deserve what they get because as one of my son’s attorneys’s said, “He’s just an f---ing drug addict”!

Bargaining

Where was God in all of this. I’ve done my share of bargaining with God. I pray for him to be healed. I try to think positively. After calling the police in August of 2009 resulting in J going to jail, I felt that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I would have given up my happiness, if only he would be healed. I’ll be a better Christian, I’ll read the bible, and I’ll help everyone I can...if only you save my son!

This is where co-dependency enters the picture. Are we that attached to our child’s well-being that we are willing to deprive ourselves, beat ourselves up emotionally and even die for them?

Guilt

There is a human tendency to blame ourselves when something happens to a loved one. We take some degree of responsibility for our child’s welfare. We question ourselves for a period of time and this is normal, but I believe this is where many parents get stuck and with that realization, we can move through this stage towards healing.

Guilt continued to reappear occasionally and as I said in my last post, I would think about every event, word or “mistake”, as it applies to me or others in my son’s life to make sense of things. Much of my guilt related to the denial that I went through, which ultimately prolonged the enabling that I was participating in.

Depression (aka “Pain and Sorrow”)

Pain and sorrow are the core feelings of grief and usually are evident throughout all of the stages. We need to experience the pain and sorrow fully to be capable of moving on and until we’ve comes to terms with the previous stages, we’re not able to feel the full intensity of the pain and sorrow.

When we struggle against the stages, they become more powerful and take longer to work through.

I usually cry every day for a few minutes. When I was younger I used to think that crying was a form of weakness and very rarely cried. I’ve cried more in the past six months than at any other time. I believe that this is important for my recovery.

Acceptance

Once we’ve worked through the other stages, and the pain and sorrow is not as intense as it was, we accept the reality of the situation and feel a sense of “letting go”. This is the “detach with love” phase. We may feel that we are fine for a while and then fear takes over our thoughts when a relapse occurs, or if we haven’t seen our child or know where they are at, or smaller fears when we worry that what we say or do may trigger a relapse.

“Taking care of ourselves” throughout the stages is important for recovery. If we don’t feel well physically, it’s more difficult to heal emotionally. We’ve all heard it: exercise, eat healthy, get enough rest; nurture ourselves with small treats, i.e. massage, manicure, lunch with a friend, a concert, and of course Naranon/Alanon, reading, blogging, therapy etc.

The most important piece to our recovery is to have a spiritual foundation, a place within you where there is peace and security. This takes different forms for everyone. Some of the stages of grieving, particularly anger, take you away from your feelings of love, but in order to “let go”, we need to keep our focus on love which forces us to face the pain, but ultimately sets us free!

Artwork from: http://www.musicfolio.com/modernrock/thewounded_art.jpg
http://www.all-love.com/g1/alllove/appdata/hp/admin/heavenandearth7.gif

Sweet Memories...

2010-03-06T08:20:00.000-08:00

Occasionally, I have allowed my thoughts to rest on every event, word, mistake that has occurred in my son’s life that could have led to his current condition…

then...I realize how blessed I am to have been given the gift of motherhood. The sweet memories and the opportunity for my own growth through these experiences are plentiful.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3

Some of these memories are:

• The warm, tender feelings when I was nursing him

• The sound of his first giggle, playing peek-a-boo, tickling him

• His excitement at seeing me when I would pick him up from daycare

• Reading book after book with him at night, snuggling in bed

• The proud look on his little face the first time he went in a grown up toilet, tied his shoelaces, biked without training wheels, and the heavenly sound of him singing "Amazing Grace"...both verses...when he was 2 yrs. old

• The treasured feeling when he would give me a big hug and kiss and say, “I love you so much Mommy”

• Wrapping him in a towel that I had warmed in the dryer after his bath (he was a little spoiled with that one)

• The drawings and cards he would make for me

• Playing games together…hide-n-go-seek…card games…board games… Nintendo

• Visiting Santa and the Easter bunny

• His toothless grin when the tooth fairy left him money

• Taking him to Discovery zone, Chuckie Cheese’s, the Children’s Museum, the park, the amusement park, the toy store, the zoo, the water park, camping, boating, trick-or-treating, putt-putt golf, para-sailing, bungee jumping, sky-diving, roller skating, ice skating, snow skiing, to see fireworks, to Myrtle Beach and other fun vacations, etc., etc.

• Doing things together…jumping on the trampoline, watching Barney and Sesame Street, riding bikes…chasing each other around the house, 4-wheeling

• Feeling so proud when he did well in school, basketball, baseball and choir

Of course, I have a grown-up relationship...most of the time... with him now, but it's nice to remininscence. I have faith that God will help him to walk the path that leads to freedom and righteousness.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him." Jeremiah 17:7

Flash Friday 55 - Water World

2010-03-04T17:02:00.000-08:00

Submerged in the undulating fluid

The pulsating heat swallows any sign of tension

Steam rises, to envelop, creating a virtual veil

Voices are shrouded, leaving space for thoughts

Beads of moisture collect on her face

to ultimately join the primary vessel

Time slows to be measured by the rising volume

of the internal pounding beat

Write a story or poem with exactly 55 words
Go see Mr. G if you'd like to play
@ Mr.-G
(he knowsitall and counts 'em all too!)

Naranon topic of "Anger"

2010-03-04T08:59:00.000-08:00

"Anger" was the topic at last night's Naranon meeting. There were about 20 people in attendance. I had been twice before months ago.

We went around the room sharing how anger has affected our lives. A lot of the people remember being angry when their addict stole from them.

A few have memories of much anger directed at them from the addict.

Some were angry at themselves for not maintaining their boundaries.

Another lady (there with her daughter) said she's given up hope that things will ever change with her ex-husband and she was angry for her daughter.

Most of the people gave a short description of who their addict was (i.e., child, spouse) and some gave a little background.

I tried to give the topic some thought, while listening to everyone and when my turn came around, I said that I usually expressed my anger in the form of impatience or irritation, related to my addict. I mentioned that I had called the police after finding him OD'd on the bedroom floor, having been guided by the Crisis Hotline and that he was currently in "lockdown rehab" after having been in jail. I was the only one who got a little teary eyed. I think I'm still working through "guilt", even though it's not logical (I'll save that for another post)!

Forty minutes into the hour long meeting, a couple arrived and the woman looked "shell-shocked". They spoke last and the man said he was a recovering drug addict and was there for his wife. He asked if the next time, he could speak and share some of his story thinking that it may be of help to us. The facilitator said he could so long as he didn't share from AA or NA.

After the meeting, I talked briefly with the lady and her friend sitting next to me and she gave me more background about her situation. I told her that my son had never stolen from me, so perhaps that's why I didn't feel more anger. She said her daughter didn't in the beginning either. She's been dealing with this for 10 years and has a grandchild living with her addict daughter and addict son-in-law. Based on some other things she said, I left the meeting feeling anxious.

Because I grew up in a home where "anger" was the main emotion, I wonder how it has impacted me. I have always been able to show anger at boyfriends and husbands (have had two of them). My first husband has an anger management problem and my current husband also has those tendencies. I think we are drawn to familiar personalities/situations.

I didn't want my son to grow up in an anger filled home, so I made a conscious decision to not have heated "communication" in front of him. That doesn't mean we didn't "bicker" or have "disagreements" because I think it's healthy to let children see that you can disagree and hopefully have a resolution. What's important is that you "fight fair", i.e. no name calling, belittling, sarcasm, yelling, violence...

My husband also grew up in a home with "anger" and recently realized that he plays the role of the peacekeeper sometimes. If we are "communicating" and we're both angry, he wants to end the conversation. Issues don't get resolved, unless you agree to bring it up later, which wouldn't happen most of the time. This is definitely "therapy territory"!! The good news - we've come a long way in the past 15 years!

Craziness...activities...The Bible...J

2010-03-02T07:20:00.000-08:00

The week after J first went to jail, I was running an errand and saw a woman walking down the street with a suitcase. I immediately felt compassion for her, pulled over and asked her if she needed a ride. This was back in September during my "guilt- ridden/co-dependency" period, so I don't remember all of the details.

She said she was going to meet her sister and was headed to an area that was about 20 minutes away by car. I told her I could take her. She was a black woman, perhaps in her 50's, and poor. As I asked more questions, she began contradicting herself.

To make a long story shorter, I drove to three different areas and at one point was trying to find a church to leave her at. I let her use my cell phone to call her "sister" and eventually I stopped at a convenience store for her to obtain directions. I called my roommate and told her what was going on. She sounded very concerned and said I should just leave her there. When she came out of the store, I told her that I needed to get on my way and she asked if I could spare any money for her to get a hotel room and I said "no", wished her well and drove off. I have never picked up a hitchhiker, so this was very unusual for me. Pretty crazy!

The events that I organized through "meetup" have come to an end...whew! The week before last, I had about 30 people come to a venue to listen to a popular live band and dance. The following day I led an 8 mile hike on a paved bike trail, alongside a small river. It would have been a pretty easy hike, except there was 6 inches of snow to crunch through.

This Friday evening I had about 30 people come to the horse races. I have only been to a horse race once before years ago so it was exciting. I bet on 7 races and won 3 of them - walking away with $18 extra. The first horse I bet and won on was called "Fearful woman"! Sunday was my final event, "Indoor glow-in-the-dark" putt putt golf. There were about 25 people and then about 15 of us went to eat afterward.

My husband and I also went to someone else's meetup event last Sunday, "indoor target practice". Neither one of us have been to an indoor place, even though we are both experienced shooters.

That's a pic of me shooting...

I have picked up the bible a few times through the years and attempted to read it. I have always found it to be quite daunting and boring. I recently bought a new bible called "The One Year Bible" and love it. They split it up into daily readings of about 15 minutes, comprised of a section from the Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs.

I saw J on Saturday and it was a good visit. He said that since he's in with the lowest risk group, there are some guys in his pod that are in for not paying child support. The two hours a day that he attends classes sometimes are filled with information about non-payment of child support, consequences, etc. Seems a little odd to have drug addicts sit in on that...! He mentioned that he would like to be assessed for depression when he is released. He has an appointment the day after he is released!

Love and peace to each of you!!

A day at the beach...

2010-02-25T17:40:00.000-08:00

Bright yellow warmth spreads through her body while

coconut fragrance lingers in the unrelenting breeze

The shifting bed welcomes her as she is caressed by the whispering surges of fluid energy

Blinded temporarily by the infinite stretch of blue...

Her senses awaken when the cold, sweet liquid

trickles down her throat and freezes all thought

Go see Mr. G if you'd like to play

@ g-man

(he knowsitall and counts 'em all too!)

A bit of humor...more drugs....Alanon

2010-02-25T06:56:00.000-08:00

My son's birthday was in December and after it had passed, my mother asked me if the "lockdown rehab" had a birthday party for him...when I shared this with my son he had a good laugh!!

In yoga class yesterday, the owner of the facility mentioned to the class that she knows that her 17 year old son is smoking pot and that she's not stupid because she used to smoke it when she was younger. She lives in the most affluent section of our City and told us that there had been a drug bust at the home of one her son's friends. She shared that they found "oxycontin" among other drugs. All I said was that it was an epedemic.

I went to my first Alanon meeting Tuesday evening...I had been to a few Naranon meetings months ago. There were about 12 people in attendance and the topic was grief. The facilitator spoke for a while about her grandmother having passed away 10 days earlier and then about 5 other people that she didn't know, but were either family or friends of co-workers who had also passed. There was a man there who was a bit obnoxious and initially I was thinking, "what am I doing here - I prefer to read my blogger friends' thoughts and inspiration", but when I left I realized that I learned more about myself during that hour. I learned to not make assumptions, to have more compassion, and that there are connections to thoughts and feelings that at first aren't apparent.

I've always felt that I was consistently good and nice to people. In Melody Beattie's Book, "Beyond Codependency", she addresses the issue of why then do we feel that many people don't treat us the same way. She explained that people treat us how we are acting towards ourselves. If you consistently put other people's needs before yours, this is what is reflected back to you. If you are always protecting other people's feelings rather than honoring yours, others will disregard your feelings as well. "Relationships are a mirror for our internal life".

This really rang a bell for me!

Peace, love and joy to all of you today!

Freedom

2010-02-21T16:46:00.000-08:00

My husband and I attended a new Church today. “Freedom” was the message. The pastor said, “Total freedom means living completely, fearlessly, passionately and joyfully regardless of your circumstances, not because of them.”

Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom. *2Corinthians 3:17

When you have an addicted child that is homeless, in jail, stealing, dealing drugs, and worse, you wonder, how can I live fearlessly and joyfully? Some moments or days are harder than others, but if we can accept where we are at the moment with our feelings and release the struggle, we’re growing!

Although I have moments almost every day that I cry...from reading something sad on one of the blogs, thinking about the past, or seeing the pain in my son's eyes when I visit him, I am taking action towards recovery. I've written a list of short term and long term goals, tell myself out loud..."I love you", have started attending Church again, starting Naranon meetings again, etc.

I woke up this morning with the thoughts of "compassion" on my mind...and that was the topic of Peggy's post at http://peglud.wordpress.com/ today! If you've been following my blog, you'll remember me mentioning that my oldest brother is an alcholic and my mother is his enabler. His unemployment ran out and he'll be moving into my mother's one bedroom, senior citizen apartment at the end of this month. He has already sold his furniture.

He hasn't been looking for a job and my mother isn't allowed to have anyone live with her...we're fearful that she may be "kicked out" if they find out. I've been talking to my husband about how difficult it is to have compassion for him...especially since he has emotionally abused her...and physcially in the past...for years. I will always lend a helping hand to someone who will help themselves. I researched homeless shelters in the area and armed her with some phone numbers...just in case she could muster up the courage to force him to "fend for himself", because once she is gone, most likely that is what will happen.

Gratitude for today...

My son is safe and sober
My ability to forgive myself and others easily
The absence of fear

Peace, love and prayers of freedom and compassion for all of us!!

Friday Flash 55 - "The Ascetic Body"

2010-02-18T17:53:00.000-08:00

Bending, twisting

her skin moist with sweat

muscles swelling with intensity

Perched and balanced

breathing slow and rhythmic

sometimes, fast and ragged

Solid and fierce, yet supple

Bracing through the ground, then shifting

Each position testing

She stops resisting only to submit

Focused with her power

mind and body surrender

To the peaceful place within

Go see Mr. G if you'd like to play
(he knowsitall and counts 'em all too!)

Breaking Free

2010-02-16T05:20:00.000-08:00

I feel that I am making progress in my recovery from co-dependency. I'm reading Melody Beattie's book, "Beyond Codependency".

I know that I am making progress in my recovery based on the way that I handled a phone call last night from my son (a summary of it is below). Normally, I would have done what he asked. I’m recognizing my past pattern of allowing him to manipulate me through guilt and my sense of “what is fair” etc.

J called and we made small talk for a minute. I inquired if his gf was coming Wed. for visitation because we were going to alternate visits. To be able to visit you have to fill out a form and either mail it in or bring it in. You also have to attend an orientation. Every week there has been an excuse from her to him about both requirements.

He said it was complicated – that the people at the rehab were being rude to her and that they said they haven’t received her paperwork to clear her for visits. J says since he was allowed to have a visitor right before Christmas (when I was out of the country and he had her come to visit) and they didn’t require the person to have attended orientation for that visit, that she may still be allowed in.

I said I would come Wed. to visit also, if he’d like me to, and he asked me to call her and talk to her about it. I said I didn’t need to because both of us could visit – he’s allowed two visitors. He said call her anyway, because something might go wrong and she wouldn’t be able to get in and “Couldn’t I do just that one thing for him” and I said “No”. I said I didn’t need to because if she was late – she wouldn’t be allowed in and if she was on time (and they cleared her), she would. He said, “Is there anything else you want to talk about?” and I said “well, I guess not”. He said he’d see me Wed. and I asked him if he still wanted me to come. He said, “If you want to.” I could tell he was angry.

Gratitude for today...

J is safe and sober
I don't have to travel in the foot of snow today
I'm beginning to stop second guessing everything I say to J
I can have compassion for my son but not have to fix it for him
Instead of trying to comfort J with the words "Remember, I'm always here for you", I can
substitute them with "Remember, God is always here for you"!

Peace and love to everyone today!

Family

2010-02-14T18:31:00.000-08:00

I had a last minute mini-family reunion at my house on Saturday. There were about 30 of us...I met my cousins' children and everyone was appreciative of my hosting the get-together! My mother has been lonely lately and her sisters haven't taken the time to visit her at her new apartment since she moved there a few months ago. My extended family seems to only get together for funerals and weddings...

No one asked me about J. I had only confided in three of them about his situation - so I'm assuming they all know - word travels fast! This relates to a subject that Peggy at http://peglud.wordpress.com/ posted recently entitled, "Supportive Friends?" She's wondering how friends'/families' words, deeds or behavior help or hurt us as we're struggling with our loved one's addiction.

Other than my mother and husband, the few other family members that know about J's addiction don't bother to check in or send any inspirational e-mails. I have three close friends and the two that live here always ask how he is when we talk. I have a few other friends that I call occasionally, but they rarely call me. Of course, there are the "fakebook friends"...(hee, hee)!!

I don't reach out to people very often for emotional support. It does hurt when you don't get support after you feel that you've made yourself vulnerable and shared the pain that you/your family are going through. The comments that I receive on my blog have helped to ease that hurt. We are lucky to have each other!

Gratitude for today...

J is safe and sober
Earplugs...necessary while husband is watching Nascar
colors...the world would be bland in black n white
family and friends!!

First "Friday Flash 55"

2010-02-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

Slowly, softly, tenderly

he strokes my face

caressing my heart

that quivers with heat

Roughly, wildly, boldly

he wields my body

massaging my passion

that smolders with flames

Savoring, feasting, relishing

he captures my spirit

probing my soul

that aches with desire

Slowly, softly, tenderly

I behold his essence

stealing his love

as we release!

Bored to Death "Literally"

2010-02-11T05:57:00.000-08:00

My son has always said "He's bored" since he was a child if he wasn't doing something. When you have a highly intelligent (I may be biased - but he did make straight A's without studying and tested in the top 5% in the nation in Math in 6th grade), somewhat hyperactive child, whose grandfather was a "hoarder" and battled with depression, whose father and other grandfather a "hoarder of money", an uncle who is an "alcoholic", mother and grandmother a "nicoholic", and various other extended family members that have issues with alcohol, anxiety etc., this article gives some "food for thought"!

LONDON – Can you really be bored to death?

In a commentary to be published in the International Journal of Epidemiology in April, experts say there's a possibility that the more bored you are, the more likely you are to die early.

Annie Britton and Martin Shipley of University College London caution that boredom alone isn't likely to kill you — but it could be a symptom of other risky behavior like drinking, smoking, taking drugs or having a psychological problem.

The researchers analyzed questionnaires completed between 1985 and 1988 by more than 7,500 London civil servants ages 35 to 55. The civil servants were asked if they had felt bored at work during the previous month.

Britton and Shipley then tracked down how many of the participants had died by April 2009. Those who reported they had been very bored were two and a half times more likely to die of a heart problem than those who hadn't reported being bored.

But when the authors made a statistical adjustment for other potential risk factors, like physical activity levels and employment grade, the effect was reduced.

"Someone who is bored may not be motivated to eat well, exercise, and have a heart-healthy lifestyle. That may make them more likely to have a cardiovascular event," said Dr. Christopher Cannon, an associate professor of medicine at Harvard University and spokesman for the American College of Cardiology.

He also said if people's boredom was ultimately linked to depression, it wouldn't be surprising if they were more susceptible to heart attacks; depression has long been recognized as a risk factor for heart disease. Cannon also said it was possible that when people are bored, dangerous hormones are released in the body that stress the heart.

Britton and Shipley said boredom was probably not in itself that deadly. "The state of boredom is almost certainly a proxy for other risk factors," they wrote. "It is likely that those who were bored were also in poor health."

She said boredom is linked to anger suppression, which can raise blood pressure and suppress the body's natural immunity. "People who are bored also tend to eat and drink more, and they're probably not eating carrots and celery sticks," she said.

Still, Mann said it was only people who were chronically bored who should be worried.

"Everybody is bored from time to time," she said.

Have a great day!

Money = Happiness

2010-02-10T08:26:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about money, success, spirituality, human suffering, career choices and after reading the following article, I felt more peaceful:

An Austrian millionaire is giving away his fortune and all his personal possessions because 'they never made me happy.'

Karl Rebeder, 47, from Linz, claims he will use the money from his household accessory business - worth over $4.7 million - to fund orphanages and other help-the-poor projects in South America.

'I had the idea on holiday in Hawaii some years ago,' he said.

'My cars and plane have already gone and the rest follows very soon. I can't wait to be free of them.

'From this developed, less than a year ago, a greenhouse project which gives orphans the possibility to have agricultural training, to take up a small loan in order to make themselves independent vegetable growers.

'I set up a new non-profit micro-credit organisation to distribute these small loans to help these poor but industrious people.'

He told Austrian TV viewers of his plan to raffle his luxury Tyrol villa by lots - with all money going to the mymicrocredit.com foundation he started late last year - and shedding his fortune on the Stoeckl am Samstag chat-show programme, presented by Barbara Stoeckl, in an interview due to be broadcast in May.

Rabeder claims he is happy living in a small flat and surviving on the equivalent of $1,260 a month.

'My then-wife and I were on the plane together coming back from Hawaii in 2004 and I realized that I was dying through consumerism,' he recalled.

'It has taken me until now to realize that I don't need money and possessions.

'I learned as a child the value of money and how to get by without it.'

Rabeder's father was a painter, his mother an office worker.

He founded his first company in 1986 and soon became rich, adding; 'I thought the more money I had the happier I would become, but it was not the case.'

He now lives in a two-room flat in Innsbruck, is divorced and added; 'The worst that can happen to me is that I have to take a small job to get by.'

Of course, we all realize that we need money to live, but it seems no matter how much we worry about it, we always seem to have what we need (most of us). I believe it is everyone's duty to help those that don't have the basics: food, water, shelter.

Peace, love and joy to all of you!!

Scrambled

2010-02-08T12:01:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a bit scrambled today! As I was looking for a picture to depict my feelings, I happened upon an interesting article online concerning generalized anxiety disorder (GAD):

Scientists at the Stanford Medical Center recently announced that they might have discovered a new explanation for why GAD has appeared. That the condition may be caused by scrambled neural connections between regions of the cortex dealing with integrating fear and emotion. GAD makes people live in a constant state of worry, even over the most ordinary matters.

I'm feeling a bit of that, but mostly unmotivated, isolated and indecisive. I went to see the therapist Friday because she had a cancellation. She wanted more background about my childhood and life. At the end, she suggested that I read a book called, "Adult Children of Alcoholics". I had told her that my father used to drink beer every day. I wasn't sure how much and he never appeared drunk. Anyway, it seems that years ago I had briefly glanced at that book wondering myself if he was an alcoholic. I went to Half Price Books and couldn't find it, so instead bought, Melody Beattie's, "Beyond Codependency". I'll get that one next.

I think a lot of my scrambledness is stemming from problems with my marital relationship and not being able to pinpoint which direction to go career wise. I know that some of that is because I don't want to be in a job that won't allow me to help J when he is released to the extent that I should and can. I know that he got himself into this, but as long as he is committed to recovery, I want to help initially with getting settled and with transportation.

J called me Friday and was very anxious trying to plan everything for when he is released. He asked my opinion on a few things and at the end of the conversation, I reassured him that there are people that can help him with transportation, family and friends and that I would be here for him. I realized after hanging up that what he was saying to me was that he wants to be responsible for himself and doesn't want to rely on others. He's always been very independent. He said if he misses one probation appointment, they can send him to prison.

Sometimes, I wish I could just sell everything and move away. I realize that is an option!

Hopefully I didn't sound like I'm whining - I'm grateful for everyone / everything in my life - just one of those days!

Peace, love and joy to all of you and thanks for your comments!

Simple Things for "Haiti"

2010-02-07T07:31:00.000-08:00

For every person who writes about the joy of simple things this weekend, Chis at Enchanted Oak is going to donate $2.00 to Heartline Ministries to help people in Haiti.

Here are the rules...copied directly from her blog:

Post your piece this weekend and include link to my blog. Then pop in here to say you’ve posted your “Simple Things.” Post by midnight, Pacific time, Sunday, and don’t forget to link with me and notify me that you’ve posted. You can borrow the “Simple Things” photo. If you don’t have a blog, a comment on my blog will count too if you tell me so.

"Simple Things that make me happy"

Memories of my son when he was a child

Hiking outdoors

Helping someone in need

Finishing things on my "to do list"

Taking a nice hot shower

Reading in bed

Knowing God is with us

Making people laugh

Feeling peaceful!

Peace, love and joy to everyone today!!

My relapse...

2010-02-04T07:33:00.000-08:00

I bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday. I have been fighting it especially since the vacation. After analyzing it, I think its a combination of factors: 1) being bored on the vacation and watching lots of other people smoking; 2) being bored at home - getting discouraged about finding a job; 3) having an argument with my husband Monday evening; and 4) I got a letter from J's attorney saying that he wasn't sure that J would get "treatment in lieu of conviction" for the pending charges in the other county now. That it would be a miracle if he did. I left a message for him to call me to find out if he could be facing any prison time. I know that he'll have to serve 20 days for the pending DUI.

J and I had spoken on the phone after I received the letter, and I mentioned it to him. He asked if there was a chance of him serving time and I said "no, I didn't think so", mainly so that he wouldn't worry excessively. So, instead I realize that I took on that burden of worrying, not only about possible prison time, but that J was now probably worried also. That only lasted for a couple of days and gradually I didn't feel that anxiety. I also realized that the issues that led to my husband and I splitting last time are still there, just not as prevalent. I'm going to suggest to him that we see the therapist.

I went last night by myself to see J because there was a chance his girlfriend was going to come and only 2 people can visit at one time. Also, I really just wanted some one on one time with him. The girlfriend didn't show - J said she tried to drop off the paperwork necessary to be a visitor a few days earlier, but was 15 minutes late, so she mailed it in. She's now supposed to come on Sat. There are always some kind of excuses....

I spent a couple of hours yesterday stopping at businesses within 2-3 miles of our house, picking up applications for him. Most of them were fast food or restaurant establishments, along with a couple of auto parts stores, a tanning salon, movie rental place, etc. I got more information from his case manager about the job hunting. The guy that helps them look for a job doesn't really actively find job postings, he just drives them around to p/u applications and drop them off or interview.

J was really appreciative of the apps. The first 15 minutes I was asking him more about the severity of his drug use. I told him I hoped he didn't feel like I was cross examining him and he wondered why I was so interested in the past. I tried to explain that through the years I knew he was confiding certain things to me, but then months or years later he would give me more information or confirm that he had lied about something previously, so I wasn't sure what the truth was.

He said that he started taking the xanax daily when he was 16 years old. He started taking vicodin and percocet around that time also and then started snorting the oxycotin after he moved out of the house when he was 19. He said he snorted Heroin about 5 times. I asked why he didn't do that more and he said because he knew where that would lead and that it felt "dirtier" to do that.

I saw the new therapist on Monday and we clicked. Most of that hour was spent again on me giving her background information. Unless she has a cancellation, the soonest I could see her is a week from Sat.

I told J that I would like him to go to see her when he is released and explained that he wouldn't have to take meds if he didn't want to, that just having therapy and exercise can help if you have depression or anxiety. We talked more about his plan when he is released. Ultimately, he wants to get an apartment with the gf. I told him what the therapist said concerning her - that she is most likely a trigger because they had used together. He didn't respond. He said that he has to stay busy when he is released!

To change the subject - two of the events that I scheduled went very well. There were about 20 people that joined my husband and I at the art center and I had a turnout of about 55 people for the hike on Sunday. Although it was cold at first, the sun was bright! I may have to cancel tomorrow night's event at the horse races, because we're supposed to get snow.

I will quit smoking again very soon! That reminds me, J asked me how the not smoking was going and I told him I had just bought a pack that day. He was disappointed. I told him that I can kind of relate to drug addiction, but that I had thought to myself when deciding rather to buy a pack, that if I knew there was a chance that I could go to jail or die that day from it, that there was no way I would have done it. He disagreed with me - which is scary!

Gratitude:

J is safe and sober
God has given me another day of life

The Visit

2010-01-28T06:49:00.000-08:00

My husband and I visited J last night. It was great to get to hug and kiss him after waiting 4 months. He looked great - he's gained almost 20 lbs. I spoke with his case manager yesterday before the visit and she was very helpful and nice. She said J was doing very well with his classes and she has noticed a change in him from when he first arrived. He's opening up more. She said he has asked her a number of times about going back to college.

Anyway, I had mentioned to him on the phone on Sunday that I wasn't sure he would be able to come live at home when he was released. For one thing, we're not on a bus line. He said he could ride one of our bikes to the bus stop which is miles away by way of a very dangerous, winding road. I told him we had time to make a decision about that. So, last night we talked about that more. I asked him if his father does give him the $13,000 when he is released, what his plans for it would be. He said he would pay off half of his credit card debt and that he thinks he needs to make it on his own. Just stay here for the first couple of weeks and then move to an apartment. That he needs to stay busy. I asked if a large sum of money would be a trigger for him and he said no. He said that looking back he realizes that when he would go out spending a lot of money on a new phone, clothes, xbox, etc. was a trigger.

He thinks he can get the job back working for his friend's cousin that he had when this happened. He was working 2nd shift 2pm-2am, but there is no bus that goes there.

We talked briefly about drugs and he said that he was doing well before the last month of trouble - that he had been clean for 3 months and then he decided one day to try it again and see if it was like it was in the beginning. He said it was, so he decided to try it the next day to see if it was still good and it was, so the third day he tried it and he didn't get high. I didn't asked him what he tried, but it seems clear that he made a conscious decision to get high. I asked if he had any cravings and he said only for cigarettes. I reminded him that I had quit about 9 weeks ago now and he said "Oh yeah - I forgot - that's great!" A little self-absorbed - wouldn't you say!

I asked him if he feels anxious or depressed. He said that he's not happy all of the time and I said that no one is. He said if he had to lean one way or the other, he'd say that yes he probably has a problem, but that he wouldn't want to take any medicine. I mentioned that I went to a therapist and that now I have found another one that I'll be seeing Monday and that she could see him also when he gets out if he wants to. He said he really didn't want to, but that if I wanted him to then he would. The new therapist asked me if his mental health has been evaluated and I said no. She said that usually people don't become addicts unless there is some type of mental health issue also.

I also asked him if he thinks I did the right thing calling the police and he said yes! I am still traumatized by that and feel that the therapist can help me work through it.

J and his step dad joked around and talked about sports, etc. It was nice to see J smile!

It was a good visit and he is definitely getting better. I liked that he realized that he needs to stay busy and make it on his own. I also realize that we're just beginning - when he is faced with life on the outside - that's the true test!

Gratitude:

J is safe and sober
The sun is shining this morning
My coffee tastes good

Peace and blessings to everyone!!

Vacation and Therapy

2010-01-26T08:43:00.000-08:00

We returned late Saturday evening from our trip to Dominican Republic. I felt a little guilty going since it is only 250 miles from the terrible suffering of the Haitian people. I did do the texting thing to contribute monetarily though. Anyway, the trip was very relaxing.  The resort was an all-inclusive (including airfare, hotel, food, alcohol, airport transfers) and there were 8 restaurants, two pools and it was on the beach. That is a picture from our room.

The weather was beautiful - 85 degs. Every day was pretty much the same. My husband would go down to the beach and put our towels on a couple of loungers under a thatched roof. If you got down after 9am, there weren't any left.

We would then go jogging on the beach - head back to the room for a quick shower - on to breakfast  - down to the beach to lay out and I would usually read and/or people watch and take a daily walk on the beach. There are a mixture of European, Russian, Canadian, and American people that go there. Women are allowed to go topless, although not too many do. My husband and I would hold hands while walking and if one of us spotted someone, we'd squeeze the other's hand. It was a fun game for him!

As far as the therapist goes, I saw him right before we left for the trip and most of the hour was spent with me giving him background on the trouble that J's gotten into through the last few years. My initial impression of him was that he thinks very highly of himself and his knowledge. In so many words, at one point, he said that since he's been doing this for 30 years that he knows everything. At that point, I told him that how I have been handling and intend to continue handling this situation is to research via internet, read books, continue with my blog and reading as many other's as I can, to find either an al-anon or naranon group and also to talk to a therapist and to take from each what resonates with me, because I don't think any one person or source has all of the answers. I think he got my point.

I have had experience with 2 therapists during my first marriage for marital counseling and 1 therapist during the early stages of marriage to my current husband and I took my son when he was 6 years old to a psychologist for 1 year when he was 6 years old because my ex-husband was trying to obtain custody during that period. Generally, I feel that talking with close friends has been the best therapy for me.

Last night my husband and I went to see this therapist again and I'm still not sure about whether we click. At one point I started to tear up and he asked me what I was feeling. I told him sadness and asked "Wouldn't you be sad if your child had just gotten out of jail, was in rehab, and a drug addict." He didn't answer me, but continued to stare at me, so I just stared back. Finally, he said "I get the impression that you don't have a problem being assertive with people in general, except for 1" (meaning my son) and I said that I didn't.  I tried to explain that I am assertive with J, but I am compassionate also. It is only $20 per session to see him through insurance, but I'm thinking about seeing a lady psychologist who is not covered through our insurance, but she said she would only charge $70 per session (which is still a lot), but she is a psychologist who specializes in addiction and the other therapist is a social worker/counselor.

Gratitude:

J is safe and sober
We finally get to see J Wednesday evening for an hour
I have another job interview next week

P.S. I've read everyone's blogs, but just haven't had time to comment yet!

Contraband

2010-01-13T07:19:00.000-08:00

J called yesterday and immediately I was on alert because the usual recording, "This is a call from an inmate etc." didn't play and he said he was calling from his case manager's desk. He started his conversation by saying that the rehab had done a search and found food in his and 27 other "resident's" lockers. Since that is against the rules, he can't make any phone calls for 1 week, no visitors for 2 weeks, and has to wear an orange jumpsuit for 1 week. He asked me to call his girlfriend and let her know - I said I would.

I don't get it - he's allowed to have 2nd helpings of food and he has to break that rule! At first, when he said a search I was thinking the worst - they found drugs. When I told my husband he was angry at first and then he was joking about it - Mommy I got caught with snacks and now I have to wear this ugly jumpsuit - boo hoo!!

The phone call to his girlfriend was enlightening. When I mentioned J messing up with the paperwork for our visit, she said, "He complains about being bored - but can't get the paperwork to you on time - I guess he's playing too much ping pong - he told me to just wait until he's out - he'll beat me at ping pong!"

She also mentioned that she saw him right before Christmas for 2 hours, which I knew nothing about. She said at the last minute they were allowed to have someone visit for Christmas and the person didn't have to fill out any paperwork. Now it makes since as to why he wanted his step-father and I to visit rather than his girlfriend and I. I'm assuming the visit was before I arrived home from my trip Christmas Eve.

She went on to say that the last time she drank was New Year's Eve and that even though J has told her that she can drink - smoke pot - and he won't, that she told him that he's more important to her than doing those things. She said she gets the impression that he may still want to drink - I told her that he may not have the money for that - since he'll most likely not be living here and will have to support himself.

His father, who lives in Texas, told him that he would give him the money that his grandfather set aside years ago to help J with college, $13,000, when he is released. He currently has $9,000 in credit card debt. Oh well, we'll see.

The blinders are gradually being removed from my eyes! I may have to rename my blog, "Eyes Opened by love for J"!

Upset

2010-01-11T12:04:00.000-08:00

J called me Saturday evening to apologize for his paperwork oversight relating to our visit. He sounded very uptight again, so I asked him how he was feeling. He said depressed. He said you don't know what I am going through in here. The last time we spoke he said his girlfriend's cell phone was turned off (permanently) and he wanted me to call her home phone while he was waiting to see what was going on. I agreed and she answered. She said to have him call her father's cell phone. Anyway, Saturday evening he said he couldn't understand why she didn't call me so that I could let J know the next time I spoke with him. I hate to see him hurt, so instead of doing the right thing (saying nothing), I said "You can't expect her to wait for you" and at that point he said he didn't want to talk about it.

He gave me more detail as to what it was like there. They aren't allowed to go on their bunk bed to read and that the community room is always loud, with the T.V. blaring, and people being paged on the loud speaker constantly. I know that anxiety/depression runs in my family and I had never thought that J had that problem, but am beginning to realize that it could be a large part of his problem. Recently, I was thinking his anxiety stemmed from the drug use or lack of drug use, but it may have nothing to do with that.

During our conversation, I tried to make him feel better by reminding him that he gets out at the end of March, but it didn't seem to help. I feel badly that I contributed to making him feel worse by most likely reinforcing what he was already worried about - his girlfriend not waiting for him. I also have been thinking about when he does get out - what the right things to say/do are and realized that I need to talk to someone. Every time I try to talk to my husband about it, he tries to fix it and interrupts me at some point with his opinions etc. I explain to him that sometimes I just want to vent and have someone listen and perhaps reassure me and he said, "I thought this was a two-way conversation". He said that J need to hear me say "Buck up and be a man".

I made an appointment with a social worker/counselor that specializes in addiction and family issues. I go on Friday. I know that God is watching over J and that I don't need to be worried, but God gave me a brain and I realize I need more guidance.

Also, I wanted to thank everyone for their last comments about me seeming to have balance in my life. That made me feel good and I truly appreciate all of you!

Disappointment

2010-01-09T11:07:00.000-08:00

My husband and I went up to visit J for the first time in over a month and were told that he was supposed to send us a form to fill out and send back before we could visit. Basically, we now have to wait until Wednesday because we didn't get the forms soon enough. Hopefully, a lesson learned for him. I know he was looking forward to the visit also.

I scheduled the trip for my husband and I to go to Dominican Republic. We leave next Saturday for one week. That is where we went last January (actually the same week) after we got married (the second time). He said he was interested in going somewhere hot and cheap. I told him it sounded like the requirements for the perfect woman (he enjoyed that comment - that's guy humor)!

I've recently taken on the role of being an assistant organizer for my hiking club and the social club. I'm excited because I planned an 8 mile hike at the end of the month and have had a huge response. I also planned some fun events for the social club, i.e., going to an art show that has over 200 artists' work displayed, going to the horse races and they also have a fun band for dancing, and going to hear a live band/dancing. I've had great response to these also.

I'm taking a test next week to become a census worker. Since the job lasts for a couple of months and is somewhat flexible, I thought it might work out well for me.

We had a snowfall of about 6 inches and it's beautiful!

Gratitude:

J is safe and sober
Smoke-free for 7 weeks
Snow