Self-inflicted punishment

Since I last posted on Friday, Mom has gone downhill quickly.  She sleeps most of the time, can barely swallow or talk and has been in pain.  The Nurse gave me liquid morphine to administer and that has helped.  When the Nurse came yesterday (Monday), she said that it's amazing how much she has deteriorated since Thursday.  She thinks she may only have days left and asked if I wanted her to die here or at hospice.  I told her I didn't care.  Later I asked Mom and she said she wasn't sure.  I've made the decision today (Tuesday) to have her transferred.

On Sunday, my younger brother came over and took care of her all day while my husband, son and one of his friends and I went boating.  It was nice to get away.  I gave him a lot of instructions before leaving for her care.  When we returned, before going inside I went on the back deck where she likes to be and found her with a look of helplessness on her face.  She had the fan blowing directly on her and it had cooled off outside.  She was freezing.  I put socks on her and covered her up.  My brother said she had complained about being in pain quite a bit, so without calling me, he cut a time released morphine pill in half, gave that to her at 1:30pm with two percocets and then gave her the same amounts at 7pm just before we arrived home.  You're not supposed to cut time released medicines in half because the medicine is not time released.  After he left I asked my Mom if he took pretty good care of her and she said yes, but he kept making her eat and that upset her.  She can't eat much because of the tumor in her stomach...no wonder she was in pain.

Anyway, yesterday her sister came over and cried a few times.  She said Mom looks horrible.  Much worse than her mother before she went into the hospital 10 days before she passed from cancer.  After she left, I got a chocolate bar and asked Mom if she'd like some and it's the most animated I've seen her in a while.  So she ate half a bar.

Mom said she has asked God for forgiveness of her sins, particularly for having slept with a man while she was married.  To give a little background...my father told me when I was 16 years old that he didn't think my older brother (the alcoholic) was his son.  I've asked my mother a few times through the years if he was (assuring her that I wouldn't pass judgment if she'd made a mistake) and she always said that he was.  I believe, due to her guilt, that she has allowed him to control her entire life and felt that she deserved whatever happened.  I told her that if that was the worst mistake/sin that she has made, then she's a saint.  It's just very sad!