A day at the beach...

Bright yellow warmth spreads through her body while

coconut fragrance lingers in the unrelenting breeze

The shifting bed welcomes her as she is caressed by the whispering surges of fluid energy

Blinded temporarily by the infinite stretch of blue...

Her senses awaken when the cold, sweet liquid

trickles down her throat and freezes all thought

Go see Mr. G if you'd like to play

@ g-man

(he knowsitall and counts 'em all too!)

A bit of humor...more drugs....Alanon

My son's birthday was in December and after it had passed, my mother asked me if the "lockdown rehab" had a birthday party for him...when I shared this with my son he had a good laugh!!

In yoga class yesterday, the owner of the facility mentioned to the class that she knows that her 17 year old son is smoking pot and that she's not stupid because she used to smoke it when she was younger.  She lives in the most affluent section of our City and told us that there had been a drug bust at the home of one her son's friends.  She shared that they found "oxycontin" among other drugs.  All I said was that it was an epedemic.

I went to my first Alanon meeting Tuesday evening...I had been to a few Naranon meetings months ago.  There were about 12 people in attendance and the topic was grief.  The facilitator spoke for a while about her grandmother having passed away 10 days earlier and then about 5 other people that she didn't know, but were either family or friends of co-workers who had also passed.  There was a man there who was a bit obnoxious and initially I was thinking, "what am I doing here - I prefer to read my blogger friends' thoughts and inspiration", but when I left I realized that I learned more about myself during that hour.  I learned to not make assumptions, to have more compassion, and that there are connections to thoughts and feelings that at first aren't apparent.

I've always felt that I was consistently good and nice to people.  In Melody Beattie's Book, "Beyond Codependency", she addresses the issue of why then do we feel that many people don't treat us the same way.  She explained that people treat us how we are acting towards ourselves.  If you consistently put other people's needs before yours, this is what is reflected back to you.  If you are always protecting other people's feelings rather than honoring yours, others will disregard your feelings as well.  "Relationships are a mirror for our internal life". 

This really rang a bell for me!

Peace, love and joy to all of you today!

Freedom

My husband and I attended a new Church today. “Freedom” was the message. The pastor said, “Total freedom means living completely, fearlessly, passionately and joyfully regardless of your circumstances, not because of them.”


Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom. *2Corinthians 3:17

When you have an addicted child that is homeless, in jail, stealing, dealing drugs, and worse, you wonder, how can I live fearlessly and joyfully? Some moments or days are harder than others, but if we can accept where we are at the moment with our feelings and release the struggle, we’re growing!

Although I have moments almost every day that I cry...from reading something sad on one of the blogs, thinking about the past, or seeing the pain in my son's eyes when I visit him, I am taking action towards recovery.  I've written a list of short term and long term goals, tell myself out loud..."I love you", have started attending Church again, starting Naranon meetings again, etc.

I woke up this morning with the thoughts of "compassion" on my mind...and that was the topic of Peggy's post at http://peglud.wordpress.com/ today!  If you've been following my blog, you'll remember me mentioning that my oldest brother is an alcholic and my mother is his enabler.  His unemployment ran out and he'll be moving into my mother's one bedroom, senior citizen apartment at the end of this month.  He has already sold his furniture.

He hasn't been looking for a job and my mother isn't allowed to have anyone live with her...we're fearful that she may be "kicked out" if they find out.  I've been talking to my husband about how difficult it is to have compassion for him...especially since he has emotionally abused her...and physcially in the past...for years.  I will always lend a helping hand to someone who will help themselves.  I researched homeless shelters in the area and armed her with some phone numbers...just in case she could muster up the courage to force him to "fend for himself", because once she is gone, most likely that is what will happen.

Gratitude for today...

My son is safe and sober
My ability to forgive myself and others easily
The absence of fear

Peace, love and prayers of freedom and compassion for all of us!!

Friday Flash 55 - "The Ascetic Body"

Bending, twisting

her skin moist with sweat

muscles swelling with intensity

Perched and balanced

breathing slow and rhythmic

sometimes, fast and ragged

Solid and fierce, yet supple

Bracing through the ground, then shifting

Each position testing

She stops resisting only to submit

Focused with her power

mind and body surrender

To the peaceful place within

Go see Mr. G if you'd like to play
(he knowsitall and counts 'em all too!)

Breaking Free

I feel that I am making progress in my recovery from co-dependency.  I'm reading Melody Beattie's book, "Beyond Codependency".

I know that I am making progress in my recovery based on the way that I handled a phone call last night from my son (a summary of it is below).  Normally, I would have done what he asked.  I’m recognizing my past pattern of allowing him to manipulate me through guilt and my sense of “what is fair” etc.


J called and we made small talk for a minute. I inquired if his gf was coming Wed. for visitation because we were going to alternate visits. To be able to visit you have to fill out a form and either mail it in or bring it in. You also have to attend an orientation.  Every week there has been an excuse from her to him about both requirements.

He said it was complicated – that the people at the rehab were being rude to her and that they said they haven’t received her paperwork to clear her for visits.  J says since he was allowed to have a visitor right before Christmas (when I was out of the country and he had her come to visit) and they didn’t require the person to have attended orientation for that visit, that she may still be allowed in.

I said I would come Wed. to visit also, if he’d like me to, and he asked me to call her and talk to her about it.  I said I didn’t need to because both of us could visit – he’s allowed two visitors. He said call her anyway, because something might go wrong and she wouldn’t be able to get in and “Couldn’t I do just that one thing for him” and I said “No”.  I said I didn’t need to because if she was late – she wouldn’t be allowed in and if she was on time (and they cleared her), she would.  He said, “Is there anything else you want to talk about?” and I said “well, I guess not”.  He said he’d see me Wed. and I asked him if he still wanted me to come.  He said, “If you want to.”  I could tell he was angry.

Gratitude for today...

J is safe and sober
I don't have to travel in the foot of snow today
I'm beginning to stop second guessing everything I say to J
I can have compassion for my son but not have to fix it for him
Instead of trying to comfort J with the words "Remember, I'm always here for you", I can
  substitute them with "Remember, God is always here for you"!

Peace and love to everyone today!

Family

I had a last minute mini-family reunion at my house on Saturday.  There were about 30 of us...I met my cousins' children and everyone was appreciative of my hosting the get-together!  My mother has been lonely lately and her sisters haven't taken the time to visit her at her new apartment since she moved there a few months ago.  My extended family seems to only get together for funerals and weddings...

No one asked me about J.  I had only confided in three of them about his situation - so I'm assuming they all know - word travels fast!  This relates to a subject that Peggy at http://peglud.wordpress.com/  posted recently entitled, "Supportive Friends?"  She's wondering how friends'/families' words, deeds or behavior help or hurt us as we're struggling with our loved one's addiction.

Other than my mother and husband, the few other family members that know about J's addiction don't bother to check in or send any inspirational e-mails.  I have three close friends and the two that live here always ask how he is when we talk.  I have a few other friends that I call occasionally, but they rarely call me.  Of course, there are the "fakebook friends"...(hee, hee)!!

I don't reach out to people very often for emotional support.  It does hurt when you don't get support after you feel that you've made yourself vulnerable and shared the pain that you/your family are going through.  The comments that I receive on my blog have helped to ease that hurt.  We are lucky to have each other!

Gratitude for today...

J is safe and sober
Earplugs...necessary while husband is watching Nascar
colors...the world would be bland in black n white
family and friends!!

First "Friday Flash 55"

Slowly, softly, tenderly

he strokes my face

caressing my heart

that quivers with heat

Roughly, wildly, boldly

he wields my body

massaging my passion

that smolders with flames

Savoring, feasting, relishing

he captures my spirit

probing my soul

that aches with desire

Slowly, softly, tenderly

I behold his essence

stealing his love

as we release!

Bored to Death "Literally"

My son has always said "He's bored" since he was a child if he wasn't doing something.  When you have a highly intelligent (I may be biased - but he did make straight A's without studying and tested in the top 5% in the nation in Math in 6th grade), somewhat hyperactive child, whose grandfather was a "hoarder" and battled with depression, whose father and other grandfather a "hoarder of money", an uncle who is an "alcoholic", mother and grandmother a "nicoholic", and various other extended family members that have issues with alcohol, anxiety etc., this article gives some "food for thought"!

LONDON – Can you really be bored to death?

In a commentary to be published in the International Journal of Epidemiology in April, experts say there's a possibility that the more bored you are, the more likely you are to die early.


Annie Britton and Martin Shipley of University College London caution that boredom alone isn't likely to kill you — but it could be a symptom of other risky behavior like drinking, smoking, taking drugs or having a psychological problem.


The researchers analyzed questionnaires completed between 1985 and 1988 by more than 7,500 London civil servants ages 35 to 55. The civil servants were asked if they had felt bored at work during the previous month.


Britton and Shipley then tracked down how many of the participants had died by April 2009. Those who reported they had been very bored were two and a half times more likely to die of a heart problem than those who hadn't reported being bored.


But when the authors made a statistical adjustment for other potential risk factors, like physical activity levels and employment grade, the effect was reduced.


"Someone who is bored may not be motivated to eat well, exercise, and have a heart-healthy lifestyle. That may make them more likely to have a cardiovascular event," said Dr. Christopher Cannon, an associate professor of medicine at Harvard University and spokesman for the American College of Cardiology.


He also said if people's boredom was ultimately linked to depression, it wouldn't be surprising if they were more susceptible to heart attacks; depression has long been recognized as a risk factor for heart disease. Cannon also said it was possible that when people are bored, dangerous hormones are released in the body that stress the heart.


Britton and Shipley said boredom was probably not in itself that deadly. "The state of boredom is almost certainly a proxy for other risk factors," they wrote. "It is likely that those who were bored were also in poor health."


She said boredom is linked to anger suppression, which can raise blood pressure and suppress the body's natural immunity. "People who are bored also tend to eat and drink more, and they're probably not eating carrots and celery sticks," she said.


Still, Mann said it was only people who were chronically bored who should be worried.


"Everybody is bored from time to time," she said.


Have a great day!

Money = Happiness

I've been thinking a lot lately about money, success, spirituality, human suffering, career choices and after reading the following article, I felt more peaceful:

 An Austrian millionaire is giving away his fortune and all his personal possessions because 'they never made me happy.'



Karl Rebeder, 47, from Linz, claims he will use the money from his household accessory business - worth over $4.7 million - to fund orphanages and other help-the-poor projects in South America.


'I had the idea on holiday in Hawaii some years ago,' he said.


'My cars and plane have already gone and the rest follows very soon. I can't wait to be free of them.


'From this developed, less than a year ago, a greenhouse project which gives orphans the possibility to have agricultural training, to take up a small loan in order to make themselves independent vegetable growers.


'I set up a new non-profit micro-credit organisation to distribute these small loans to help these poor but industrious people.'


He told Austrian TV viewers of his plan to raffle his luxury Tyrol villa by lots - with all money going to the mymicrocredit.com foundation he started late last year - and shedding his fortune on the Stoeckl am Samstag chat-show programme, presented by Barbara Stoeckl, in an interview due to be broadcast in May.


Rabeder claims he is happy living in a small flat and surviving on the equivalent of $1,260 a month.



'My then-wife and I were on the plane together coming back from Hawaii in 2004 and I realized that I was dying through consumerism,' he recalled.


'It has taken me until now to realize that I don't need money and possessions.


'I learned as a child the value of money and how to get by without it.'


Rabeder's father was a painter, his mother an office worker.


He founded his first company in 1986 and soon became rich, adding; 'I thought the more money I had the happier I would become, but it was not the case.'


He now lives in a two-room flat in Innsbruck, is divorced and added; 'The worst that can happen to me is that I have to take a small job to get by.'

Of course, we all realize that we need money to live, but it seems no matter how much we worry about it, we always seem to have what we need (most of us).  I believe it is everyone's duty to help those that don't have the basics: food, water, shelter.

Peace, love and joy to all of you!!

Scrambled

I'm feeling a bit scrambled today!  As I was looking for a picture to depict my feelings, I happened upon an interesting article online concerning generalized anxiety disorder (GAD):

Scientists at the Stanford Medical Center recently announced that they might have discovered a new explanation for why GAD has appeared.  That the condition may be caused by scrambled neural connections between regions of the cortex dealing with integrating fear and emotion.  GAD makes people live in a constant state of worry, even over the most ordinary matters. 

I'm feeling a bit of that, but mostly unmotivated, isolated and indecisive.  I went to see the therapist Friday because she had a cancellation.  She wanted more background about my childhood and life.  At the end, she suggested that I read a book called, "Adult Children of Alcoholics".  I had told her that my father used to drink beer every day.  I wasn't sure how much and he never appeared drunk.  Anyway, it seems that years ago I had briefly glanced at that book wondering myself if he was an alcoholic.  I went to Half Price Books and couldn't find it, so instead bought, Melody Beattie's, "Beyond Codependency".  I'll get that one next.

I think a lot of my scrambledness is stemming from problems with my marital relationship and not being able to pinpoint which direction to go career wise.  I know that some of that is because I don't want to be in a job that won't allow me to help J when he is released to the extent that I should and can.  I know that he got himself into this, but as long as he is committed to recovery, I want to help initially with getting settled and with transportation.

J called me Friday and was very anxious trying to plan everything for when he is released.  He asked my opinion on a few things and at the end of the conversation, I reassured him that there are people that can help him with transportation, family and friends and that I would be here for him.  I realized after hanging up that what he was saying to me was that he wants to be responsible for himself and doesn't want to rely on others.  He's always been very independent.  He said if he misses one probation appointment, they can send him to prison. 

Sometimes, I wish I could just sell everything and move away.  I realize that is an option!

Hopefully I didn't sound like I'm whining - I'm grateful for everyone / everything in my life - just one of those days!

Peace, love and joy to all of you and thanks for your comments!

Simple Things for "Haiti"

For every person who writes about the joy of simple things this weekend, Chis at Enchanted Oak is going to donate $2.00 to Heartline Ministries to help people in Haiti.

Here are the rules...copied directly from her blog:


Post your piece this weekend and include link to my blog. Then pop in here to say you’ve posted your “Simple Things.” Post by midnight, Pacific time, Sunday, and don’t forget to link with me and notify me that you’ve posted. You can borrow the “Simple Things” photo. If you don’t have a blog, a comment on my blog will count too if you tell me so.

"Simple Things that make me happy"

Memories of my son when he was a child

Hiking outdoors

Helping someone in need

Finishing things on my "to do list"

Taking a nice hot shower

Reading in bed

Knowing God is with us

Making people laugh

Feeling peaceful!

Peace, love and joy to everyone today!!

My relapse...

I bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday.  I have been fighting it especially since the vacation.  After analyzing it, I think its a combination of factors: 1) being bored on the vacation and watching lots of other people smoking; 2) being bored at home - getting discouraged about finding a job; 3) having an argument with my husband Monday evening; and 4) I got a letter from J's attorney saying that he wasn't sure that J would get "treatment in lieu of conviction" for the pending charges in the other county now.  That it would be a miracle if he did.  I left a message for him to call me to find out if he could be facing any prison time.  I know that he'll have to serve 20 days for the pending DUI. 


J and I had spoken on the phone after I received the letter, and I mentioned it to him.  He asked if there was a chance of him serving time and I said "no, I didn't think so", mainly so that he wouldn't worry excessively.  So, instead I realize that I took on that burden of worrying, not only about possible prison time, but that J was now probably worried also.  That only lasted for a couple of days and gradually I didn't feel that anxiety.  I also realized that the issues that led to my husband and I splitting last time are still there, just not as prevalent.  I'm going to suggest to him that we see the therapist.


I went last night by myself to see J because there was a chance his girlfriend was going to come and only 2 people can visit at one time.  Also, I really just wanted some one on one time with him.  The girlfriend didn't show - J said she tried to drop off the paperwork necessary to be a visitor a few days earlier, but was 15 minutes late, so she mailed it in.  She's now supposed to come on Sat.  There are always some kind of excuses....


I spent a couple of hours yesterday stopping at businesses within 2-3 miles of our house, picking up applications for him.  Most of them were fast food or restaurant establishments, along with a couple of auto parts stores, a tanning salon, movie rental place, etc.  I got more information from his case manager about the job hunting.  The guy that helps them look for a job doesn't really actively find job postings, he just drives them around to p/u applications and drop them off or interview.


J was really appreciative of the apps. The first 15 minutes I was asking him more about the severity of his drug use.  I told him I hoped he didn't feel like I was cross examining him and he wondered why I was so interested in the past.  I tried to explain that through the years I knew he was confiding certain things to me, but then months or years later he would give me more information or confirm that he had lied about something previously, so I wasn't sure what the truth was. 


He said that he started taking the xanax daily when he was 16 years old.  He started taking vicodin and percocet around that time also and then started snorting the oxycotin after he moved out of the house when he was 19.  He said he snorted Heroin about 5 times.  I asked why he didn't do that more and he said because he knew where that would lead and that it felt "dirtier" to do that.


I saw the new therapist on Monday and we clicked.  Most of that hour was spent again on me giving her background information.  Unless she has a cancellation, the soonest I could see her is a week from Sat.


I told J that I would like him to go to see her when he is released and explained that he wouldn't have to take meds if he didn't want to, that just having therapy and exercise can help if you have depression or anxiety.  We talked more about his plan when he is released.  Ultimately, he wants to get an apartment with the gf.  I told him what the therapist said concerning her - that she is most likely a trigger because they had used together.  He didn't respond.  He said that he has to stay busy when he is released!


To change the subject - two of the events that I scheduled went very well.  There were about 20 people that joined my husband and I at the art center and I had a turnout of about 55 people for the hike on Sunday.  Although it was cold at first, the sun was bright!  I may have to cancel tomorrow night's event at the horse races, because we're supposed to get snow.


I will quit smoking again very soon!  That reminds me, J asked me how the not smoking  was going and I told him I had just bought a pack that day.  He was disappointed.  I told him that I can kind of relate to drug addiction, but that I had thought to myself when deciding rather to buy a pack, that if I knew there was a chance that I could go to jail or die that day from it, that there was no way I would have done it.  He disagreed with me - which is scary!


Gratitude:


J is safe and sober
God has given me another day of life