As I mentioned in my last post my mother broke both of her arms and is in a nursing home for the next 3 to 4 weeks. She lives in a subsidized retirement apartment and my older brother who is an alcoholic has been living with her there for the past six months. She sneaks him in and out the side door but other residents have complained to the Manager that they think he is living there. The Manager called me over a month ago and asked me if he was and I said that I'm not in contact with him and didn't want to get involved.
My mother enables him and is co-dependent. She helps him financially, although he receives unemployment...even though she is accumulating a lot of credit card debt, lives on a fixed income and has no means to pay it off. He is abusive to her...mentally, emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically. I have called the police once when he locked her out of her previous apartment (when he was drunk) and she admitted to me for the first time that he was grabbing her arms and twisting her skin to the point of bruising her. The police spoke to him and said if there were any more problems they would take him to jail.
Since he's been living with her he keeps the air conditioner very cold which suits him but freezes my mother who has circulation problems. Since she has been in the Nursing home for the past few days he won't agree to let anyone come to her apartment to get the things that she needs. He'll bring a few things at a time for her...but doesn't know what type of clothes she needs that will fit over her splint. He'll call her and cuss her out on the phone and has control of her car, her purse and her jewelry. He told her he lost her jewelry and then the next day said he found it. She is intimidated of him but when my other brother, my cousin or myself talk to her about finding him a shelter to live in...a place that can help him find employment...she says now is not the right time...that it would send him into a nervous breakdown.
He is very jealous of me and my brother mostly because when my father passed away in 2006 he was given much less in the Will. My father and he hadn't spoken in over 20 years. He is filled with hatred and anger.
I've talked with a few people about me calling the Manager and reporting him and then my cousin and her husband could help him with a list of the places he could go. My cousin said she would call the Manager, because she feels someone needs to get involved. I know my brother would immediately call my mother and upset her to the extreme.
I grapple with this decision because she is an adult and makes her own decisions. At the same time, I know that if I was walking by someone who was being physically abused, I would get involved to help. My husband and son think I should call or let my Cousin call. Initially, my Mother was going to refuse to go to the Nursing home and just return back home and let him take care of her...although he sleeps most of the day. In one breath she complains about him and in the next, she protects him.
I would appreciate any and all comments/thoughts!
8 comments:
It sounds as if she is very codependent. I'm sorry this is so hard for you. I can imagine your distress... but I don't know what you can do about it other than report him to the police if you think he is stealing from your mother.
Do you have to handle this alone? Can your other family help?
I have had a very similar situation when my mom was alive. Basically, both of my brothers had lived with her off and on for years and she enabled them both. When one of them moved some homeless addicts in with her and basically wouldn't let her out of her room, I stepped in with the help of my husband. We moved her to a complex like your mom lives in, they both would come and go and sleep on the couch, etc. Many complaints made from the manager with her telling us of loud verbal abuse. We fought with Mom over this as she would complain but when I suggested that she be tougher with them and make them figure things out, she would become angry with me. We put one brother on a bus and the other relapsed and went to prison for violation. My mother became very ill and after a two week hospital stay, we moved her into our home. I would not let my brothers visit her at my home and she would meet one in town. She was angry with me off and on over this for the two years she lived with us. During her dying days, she told me that we saved her and that she needed us to intervene. So, as hard as this situation is, it is adult abuse just like child abuse. It is harder with a parent because they can become like kids, but they are still our elders, our parents, very stubborn and set in their ways. You do what is in your heart on this one, just like if it was a grandchild. I am praying for you, email me if you want to talk further as I unfortunetly have had lots of experience with this issue. Prayers and hugs...Renee
You could also always call the Police or Adult Protective Services.
The siblings need to unite, and approach it as a team, motivated by love for your mother. Now is the time to do something, since she is out of there. A fight is a fight. I did not read your last post, but broken arms was your brother present at the time of injury?
This is not a decision that should be left to her anymore, but to avoid splitting and labeling one sibling from the rest, you need to act as a family for your mom.
I'm sorry but this post is crazy. You have seen a crime. You are seeing another human being abused and you are standing around wondering what to do?
It's a crime. Report it. What happens after that is not your responsibility but what is happening now is as long as you don't report it.
Jackie
You can call Adult Protective services and anonymously report the situation. I would be very concerned that he won't let anyone over to the apt. Is it trashed? Do you believe he is taking advantage of her financially? I would bring all of that up to APS. You have to do something though. Look at that beautiful sweet face you posted....she deserves to be safe and secure and happy in her old age. Codependent or not... maybe APS can direct you to some senior counseling for your mom as well. Do you have a "senior services" office in your county? Usually through the dept of human services or community services. Check with them about counseling too.
Hi Shen - What my brother has been stealing is my mother's spirit. My other brother doesn't want to get involved...but thanks for your caring.
Renee - I will e-mail you!
Hi Dianne - As I said to Shen...my other brother doesn't want to get involved...you're right though...now is the time to do something. I actually called the manager this morning and he's going to go in tomorrow morning to make him leave.
Anonymous - I haven't seen a crime as defined by society...that's the problem.
Annette - I may be contacting them...depending on the outcome of the manager getting involved tomorrow. Thanks for the suggestions!
So sorry to read about this situation. I agree with the comments above that suggested getting involved. Your mom is co-dependent but she is also elderly now and needs all the help she can get. Her greatest fears (that he will have a nervous breakdown) will NOT come to pass and then she will know that its OKAY and RIGHT to set some boundaries with this sick man. He is sick and needs help. Its hard to have empathy for someone that would treat his mother that way. Let your cousin call, do what you can to protect your mom and get him away from her. Sorry you have to deal with this. Life has so many ups and downs doesn't it?
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