Smoke Another One!
You're probably wondering what this post will be about. It's about me having a revelation today concerning my relationship with my mother. I had a meeting with the staff at her nursing home today - and my mother was part of it. Basically, everyone is fed up with her...they didn't tell her, but after that meeting I spoke with the Director and the Social Worker and talked a while longer. The Director said she almost turned my mother away the day she came in because she is so difficult to deal with. She's uncooperative with physical therapy...is constantly walking outside to smoke and complains she's too tired for therapy. She complains constantly...about everything!
I have brought her home to give her a shower once and gave her a shower at the nursing home once because she doesn't want them to. The entire time I'm with her...which has been every day for 1-4 hours a day...she complains. She's manipulative and disrespectful. She'll turn on the charm...when necessary though. I've always known these things about her...but was in denial about how disruptive she really is and about how abusive she's been to me. Through the years I've made excuses for her behavior...but I'm running out!
It's time for me to set boundaries! It's difficult though when you feel guilty because you feel like you're not being a good daughter if you don't jump and especially now that she's got two broken arms. But she sure can walk outside to smoke...lots!
After speaking with the Director and Social Worker they opened my eyes to how she works me. They think she has a mental problem. I asked them if it would be wrong to go 3 days before I saw her...they said, "You don't have to see her at all while she's here...if you don't want to." WOW. It would take me too long to try to give enough examples to paint the full picture...so I don't expect anyone to really understand.
By the way...the "Smoke Another One" pertains really to me - because I struggle with stopping my cigarette habit and think that this is one more piece of the picture that will help me to heal from my past and STOP smoking!
P.S. Relating to my last post...my brother spent two nights with a friend and then my mother gave him $100 yesterday for a hotel for a few nights...even though he has been contacted by my cousin to help him find housing.
3 comments:
We always have choices...its hard for us codependents to fully grasp the freedom that is available to us if we choose to take a hold of it.
I can relate to your mom stuff. Sadly.
I can relate to your mom stories about her at the nursing home - from Heather at the hospital! But I don't know how you don't go see her, even if she is manipulating and being difficult. With Heather I just held my head DOWN, humbled, but knew Heather was more important than what anyone else there thought - AND - I should not feel bad by Heather's behavior, I am only responsible for my own (and this was pre-Al-Anon!). You know your relationship with your Mom and history, I would not assume to know what to tell you to do or not to do.
It was very upsetting reading about how your brother treats her. I will say, for years I used to volunteer and visit the elderly. One woman had her alcoholic son living with her and the situation was bad. The group I was with decided to call Adult Services (???) and when they came out the woman lied through her teeth protecting her son right in front of 2 other volunteers! So, I guess I'm saying, make sure your mom is on the same page. I have a similar situation with my brother/parents in Ohio where they have feared for their lives - but they have begged me - mom crying - not to call the police. So I think your Mom would need to be in agreement for it to be effective - and before that can happen, sounds like you need to do what Dianne said in her comment, "Siblings unite and approach it as a team."
Those are my thoughts, but my ADVICE is pray for God to guide you. Hope you're enjoying the new house. Great news hearing about J going to meetings and 1 year :)
Love & hugs.
God bless.
Oh Sherry, this is such a tough situation. Sure its "easy" to see all the issues and how your mom has the upper hand and all the unhealthy stuff involved...BUT...she's old and she's your mom and she is not going to change at this point. But you can change by not letting it get to you (how easy is that? yeah right!!!) I have a close friend, her name is Sherry too, that is going through something similar with her mom. Not the same, but the whole nursing home thing. Its very, very difficult. Thinking of you and hoping for the best.
(how many cigs do you smoke a day?)
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