The Butterfly Effect

 When you feel powerless or insignificant...just remember that every thing you say, do, and think has an effect upon the world!  Each time you have kind words to say, a smile for someone, or a positive thought about yourself or someone else...you've changed the course of the world!  How powerful is that?

I took these photos at a Butterfly Exhibition yesterday and decided to research the history of butterflies.

 According to Wikipedia, The Butterfly Effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions; where a small change at one place in a nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state. For example, the presence or absence of a butterfly flapping its wings could lead to creation or absence of a hurricane.

Rather than feeling helpless during difficult situations in our lives and of those we love, we need to remember that we have more control/power than we've ever imagined.  Realizing that we can't and shouldn't control others...only ourselves is the key!

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."

 

 Sending thoughts of peace, love, and joy!

Peace in the Face of Death

(Photo courtesy of Nat'l Geographic)

As each day goes by, my mother approaches her impending death from Stage IV cancer…with acceptance.  We talk about death and what both of us envision after life will be like.  Although she has rarely gone to Church, she believes in God and Jesus and hopes that she will be with relatives that have already departed.  Her life has been difficult, having grown up very poor, one of eleven children, and having gone through most of life’s greatest stresses…divorce, the chronic illness and death of her second husband and most of her siblings and parents, and many more of life’s disappointments.

I think about what it will be like once she’s gone, when I forget and want to call her on the telephone and realize…she won’t answer.  Grinning, she says, “Once I’m gone, if you feel fingertips brushing your arm, it will be me”.  You see, she’s been the type of mother that would do anything in her power to protect her children, blurring the line between motherly nurturing and co dependence.

She tells me the same story every week of when I was little and looked up from my stroller and said, “Me push Mommy, let me push”, and of how independent I was, even then.

I am proud of the grace that she is showing during this process and realize I am my mother’s daughter.

Travel Therapy

The following is an article I'm going to submit for a contest and would like constructive criticism.  The following questions should be answered:

Have you been particularly enlightened, surprised or changed by a travel experience? Why do you travel?

Travel Therapy

My anticipation and excitement mounted as the plane landed in Cairo, Egypt.  Although I had traveled quite extensively in comparison to many Americans and lived in Germany while in the military, this 18-day trip to Egypt and Jordan would be my first encounter with a foreign and exotic culture.  Having left my career earlier that year to take care of my ill mother and with the knowledge that my 21-year-old beautiful, talented and intelligent son was battling the demon of drug addiction, I was eager to lose myself exploring far away lands.  This would be the first of three journeys that I embarked upon in 2009. 

It was easy to forget while squinting my eyes against the bright, penetrating eastern sun to gaze at the immense Pyramids; walking in the footsteps of Moses to the top of Mt. Sinai to witness the sunset; or floating weightless in the Dead Sea.  It was easy to forget as I danced with the Bedouin people of the Wadi Rum desert, in the swirling smoke filled tent, my blood pulsing with the rhythmic beat of their instruments; having my skin rubbed raw in a steam filled Turkish bath house, or losing myself amidst the towering rose colored, carved monuments of the lost city of Petra.

A few weeks later, it was easy to forget while hiking the ancient Inca Trail to the mysterious and sacred city of Machu Picchu, where the spirits dwell among the stone buildings; playing soccer with local Peruvians on an island of the brilliant deep blue Lake Titicaca; and feasting on sweet, moist pancakes prepared over an open fire, as a guest in a local family’s home.

My son was in a court ordered outpatient rehab program, but it wasn’t enough.  Later that year, I found him passed out on the floor of his bedroom and called a crisis hotline.  He spent three months in jail and six months in a lock down rehab and I read everything I could concerning addiction, co-dependence, and enabling.  I started a blog and reached out to other hurting parents and became one of many that received and gave comfort and support.  I prayed for myself, my son, and the other tormented parents and their children.  I wondered how could this happen to us?  How does a straight A, star athlete become a drug addict?  

My final trip was to Thailand, Laos and Vietnam in December.  The elaborate temples, invigorating Thai massages, and an overnight stay on a boat off the shores of Vietnam, within the spectacular seascapes of Halong Bay, were salves for my anguished heart.

I arrived back home on Christmas Eve, having taken the opportunity to “Let go and Let God”, and thereby relinquished any preconceived notion of control over the fate of my precious son.  We weathered the storm and my son is now on the Deans List at a local community college.

Travel provided an escape from the soul wrenching spectacle of addiction, time to heal, the opportunity to see amazing sites, meet new friends, learn about different cultures, and best of all…to empower myself. 

Never give up hope and never stop traveling!

 

Final Roadtrip

I'm glad to be home from the trip!  My mother didn't seem to derive much enjoyment from it, other than the warm weather.  She complained about most everything...which is her nature anyway...but I understand that she is depressed and doesn't feel well.  When you're around someone like that for an extended period of time, it seems to suck the life right out of you. 

My younger brother came for a few days and the three of us went to Ft. Myers beach one day, Sanibel Island beach another day, out to eat a couple of times, saw the movie Red Riding Hood, and my brother took her to TJ Maxx to look around.  The nerve neuropathy in her feet was particularly painful and her stomach was starting to hurt periodically, so I was going to take her to an Urgent Care, but they were closed, so we went to the emergency room.  I asked my brother to research where the closest pharmacies were, in case her doctor at home could call something in, but he couldn't across state lines.  My brother stayed at the condo watching basketball.  We were there almost four hours and the doctor prescribed an opiate for her. 

We were driving home about 12 midnight and I called my brother, who was still up to see if he would mind driving to the pharmacy once we returned, to fill the prescription.  He said, "You're driving right by one, why can't you?"  I explained that the hospital told me that there were two 24 hr. pharmacies open, but they were on a different road than where I would be.  He finally agreed to, but we ended up taking a wrong turn and passed by one, so I stopped to fill it.  When we arrived at the condo, I asked my brother if he had started the dishwasher, so we'd have clean dishes for breakfast and he said, "No, but we can start it now, can't we?"  I said, "Yes, you could start it now" and he then went off on me saying that I have an attitude problem, that he didn't appreciate it and couldn't understand what was wrong.  I told him why I seemed to have an attitude problem...that after spending four hours at the emergency room, I didn't think it was too much to ask for him to go to the pharmacy, that was 5 minutes away, so that Mom didn't have to wait in the car for another 10-15 minutes at midnight.  He didn't understand my thinking and said that "I can act like such a bitch" and began opening/closing all of the cupboards in the kitchen looking for the dishwashing detergent, while ranting/raving...saying over and over, "where is the dishwashing detergent" in between telling me how obnoxious I am!  He recently went back to school to get a Masters in counseling and is a licensed therapist....a little scary!  He apologized the next day.

I also have a greater understanding of codependency and the cycle of domestic violence from my week with mom.  She agreed to keep her phone turned off, so that my alcoholic brother couldn't harass her, but she did speak with him twice on the trip.  She has options so that she doesn't need to return to that situation, but she insists on doing so.  Her father abused her mother, her husband abused her and now her son abuses her.  I believe that she needs IT in her life.  By the end, she was quite hateful to me at times and I brought it to her attention.  I asked if I'm the only one she treats like that (other than my alcoholic brother) and she said yes.  I made the point that if she can control it with others, then she can choose to control it with me.  It seems she was going through withdrawals from being treated nicely instead of poorly.  She also apologized to me.

While driving home, she made the comment that she is bitter and resentful that she never had a home and I made the point that many people don't own their homes, the banks do.  And compared to some of the world, she lives like a queen.  She disagrees.  Whenever I talk about being grateful for what we do have, she doesn't like to hear it!

I am so grateful that I have the ability to be grateful!