Attracting What We Want

J is now in two different drug testing programs for two counties!

He talked to me last night about going to a college football game with 2 friends who drink but don't do drugs. They would be driving over 2 hours away and spending the night. I told him it was his decision. I prayed to God last night to keep him safe. I noticed that I didn't sleep as well last night.

Today, he said that because the game was just across the state border that he didn't think he'd be allowed to go.

I began my spiritual quest about 2 years ago. I've always been an eternal optimist. The most recent spiritual book I'm reading focuses on how we can control our thoughts. Our emotions are to be our guide. If we start to worry, replace it with a better thought. If we find ourselves getting impatient or irritable to be aware of it and to change our thinking about the person/situation. They emphasize that we should always look for the good in people and also think and talk about what we want in our lives, not what we don't want. We will attract what we want that way. It's not about changing others, but changing ourselves.

I want and envision myself to be happy, peaceful, healthy, loving, affectionate and successful.
I want and envision my son to be healthy, happy, successful and at peace.
I want and envision my husband to be supportive, affectionate, successful, happy and loving.
I want and envision my mother to be happy, content, healthy as she can be, and at peace.

It actually goes hand in hand with the Alanon/Naranon program in that we should be walking our own walk and to not let other people's emotions and/or negative situations become our main focus.

Today I'm thankful for:

1. I can walk, talk, see, hear (just a bit deaf), smell, and taste.
2. I have regular toilets (in Peru, Egypt and Jordan - many of the toilets are just holes in the
ground.
3. Books/Writers.
4. Modes of transportation: Car, bicycle, motorcyle.
5. To still have the ability to do fun things like water-ski, snow-ski, hike, bike, jog.

Much love and peace to everyone!!

Question / Hoarding / Gratitude

Yesterday, I needed to run a few errands after I took J to court and one of them was to pick out a halloween costume. The above picture is what I picked. As we were looking at the huge array of options, there was one for men of a "jailbird" and I started laughing, as did he (its important to have some humor)!!

Yesterday J helped in the yard for about 1 hour. I have been leaving his schedule up to him. Today, I took him to his 1 hr. class and the rest of the day was spent with him staying in his room (resting, watching T.V., talking on the phone, eating) while I vacuumed, mopped floors, jogged 2 miles, cooked dinner, etc.

My question is: I would like to say to him that if he were to relapse to please talk to me about it so that he/we could think of a solution - talking to a professional (although he doesn't have insurance) or to someone else....! I am afraid that might open the door in his mind to the possibility. Does anyone have a suggestion?

My father passed away in June 2006. I wasn't very close to him because he had a hard time expressing emotion. He had not had a relationship with my older brother "JJ" for 20 years. I was named Executrix of his estate and he had a condo and a house in S.C. So, my husband, both brothers, my younger brother's girlfriend and myself drove down to prepare the properties for selling.

I always knew my father was messy and would collect newspaper articles and box them up when I was growing up. I had no idea that he was a "Hoarder". My step-mother stopped living with him about 3 years before he passed because she couldn't put up with the clutter.

He kept the house (which was next door to her house) clean and that was where I would visit every year or so. When we arrived at the condo (where I had never been) I began to cry and almost hyperventilate (I'm usually not easily rattled) because the entire 3 bedroom, 2 floor unit was filled to capacity with anything/everything you could think of.

I felt such sadness and pity that I didn't know my father lived like this. There were boxes stacked 4 high throughout, empty shaving cream cans piled high, tags from dry cleaning piled on the dresser, etc. etc.. Unless you know someone that is a true "Hoarder" I can't begin to explain the mess. We should have had on face masks for the toxic nature of it. After I researched it, I understood that it was painful for "Hoarders" to let go of even garbage.



Today I'm grateful for:

THE BIG STUFF

1. Family & Friends
2. My son being safe
3. Food to eat
4. A Home w/furniture
5. Clothing to keep warm
6. Animals
7. Beautiful trees & flowers

SOME SMALLER STUFF

8. The hot shower I just savored
9. Dental floss
10. Lotion

Inspirational Message

An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life...
He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
One wolf is evil -- he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.
The other is good---he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."
They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied: "The one you feed".

Good News From Court & more background

I drove my son to Court today for the case that started back in March and the Judge granted a continuance until November to see what the outcome from the newest charges will be once we go to court in October. She wants him to continue with going to the twice weekly 1 hr. class, random drug screens and AA/NA meetings until then. I asked my son if he was nervous and he said no, that he's getting used to going to court, but that he will be for the newest charge.

I spoke to both of his attorneys in the past week before he "got out of jail" and was surprised by some of their comments. One of them said "he's a f------- drug addict" and the other one said "If he gets in trouble again I should laugh in his face and to definitely not help him". He then said "well I guess not laugh in his face". I do realize that the attorneys and police must feel very discouraged, as we parents do, when they relapse and get quite hardened. I wonder if they would use the same words if it was one of their children?

I am so thankful that I've had the resources (i.e. internet, books, time, personality type) to try to learn more about all of this (i.e. addiction, enabling, co-dependency). Enabling runs in my genes - if they needed a picture on a poster for an enabler, it would be my mother.

More background (this is quite lengthy):

My older brother "JJ" is a 52 yr. old active alcoholic. My younger brother is fine. My childhood was quite messy (dysfunctional). Dad changed jobs a lot and moved us a lot to avoid paying debt. We were poor and therefore throughout our childhood mom would get upset weekly, sit in her bedroom and rant/rave with curse words streaming from her mouth about the injustices and her situation.

My Dad would be downstairs or as far away from her as he could get listening to his ham radio, drinking beer. It was the children who got to listen to her!! There were approximately 4 times from the time I was 6-13 yrs. old that he became physical with her. The police were called and I was very shy from changing schools constantly and worrying that the neighbors could hear everything.

She felt that my father was much harsher on JJ than myself or my younger brother, therefore she protected him to the point of letting him drop out of school in 8th grade at the age of 15 (he failed two grades) and not letting Dad discipline in any way. JJ began drinking/using drugs as a teenager and got caught with marijuana when he was 18 by the police and was sent to jail for 1 month.

My mother recently said "I visited him every day" like it was a badge of honor. My Dad and Mom divorced when I was 22 and JJ was 24. JJ lived with a friend for a few years (21-24) and then then moved back in with my mother and her new husband.

I joined the military at the age of 18 until 22 to get the G.I. bill to attend college and to escape the insanity. I worked full time and went to school at night for 8 years to get my Bachelors degree. I lived in Germany for a couple of years while in the service and was able to travel to quite a few countries. JJ was on social security (for emotional reasons) for about 12 years and then he got a job at the apartment complex where my mother lived/worked as the manager.

I lived in Dallas for 10 years after leaving the military and would come home to visit once a year. I remember JJ would order my Mom around asking for a glass of milk at dinner or a soda while watching T.V. and she always catered to him. He did finally get his own apartment in the complex where she and he worked, but would be over every day for her to cook for him etc. He has very low self esteem, an anger management problem and agoraphobia to some extent. I always knew that JJ verbally abused my mother.

My mother's husband passed away about 8 years ago and approximately 2 years ago my mother called me and said that JJ had locked her out of her apartment so I rushed over and she said that he had been physically assaulting her for quite a long time (perhaps for years - raising his fist while in a rage as though he was going to hit her - twisting the skin on her arms and bruising her). In the past when I would question her about bruises she said it was because her skin was so thin, that she was getting clumsier and bruised easily.

I called the police and they came and questioned my brother but didn't press charges. He is extremely hostile towards me and I haven't seen him at all this year.

Back to the enabling: Since she has moved in with me she handled her own finances once she got better and recently I discovered that she has been almost supporting him because he was terminated a few months after she left her position and was on unemployment. She has gone through all of the money that she had when she moved in.

She continues to get her Social Security and is extremely nervous about his situation. She will stay on the phone with him and let him use every curse word at her to vent his anger and intimidate her (this usually happens about 3-4 times per month). I make suggestions, but I know I can't control the situation.

She says that he is basically handicapped (since he didn't go to H.S., can't look up a number in the phone book or fill out paperwork properly). She is on a waiting list to get her own apartment that she can afford near to me (very nice 1 bedroom - 3 years old).

You can pick your friends, but not your family!

I was going to list the emotions that I have had this past year and then I found this which encompasses everything I have felt.

Plutchik's wheel of emotions

Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions in 2D and 3D models.

Robert Plutchik created a wheel of emotions in 1980 which consisted of 8 basic emotions and 8 advanced emotions each composed of 2 basic ones.^[1]

Basic emotion	Basic opposite
Joy	Sadness
Trust	Disgust
Fear	Anger
Surprise	Anticipation
Sadness	Joy
Disgust	Trust
Anger	Fear
Anticipation	Surprise

Advanced emotion	Composed of...	Advanced opposite
Optimism	Anticipation + Joy	Disappointment
Love	Joy + Acceptance	Remorse
Submission	Acceptance + Fear	Contempt
Awe	Fear + Surprise	Aggressiveness
Disappointment	Surprise + Sadness	Optimism
Remorse	Sadness + Disgust	Love
Contempt	Disgust + Anger	Submission
Aggressiveness	Anger + Anticipation	Awe

Inspirational Quotes for the Day

This is a picture I took when I was at Lake Titicaca, Peru back in March. The world is full of beauty!


"A positive future cannot emerge from the mind of anger or despair"
~ Dalai Lama


“A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.”
Hugh Downs


“We judge of man's wisdom by his hope.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson


"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
- Mahatma Gandhi

So Sad

My son and I had a talk yesterday about the rules and he told me that his girlfriend is the only person that makes him feel good about himself right now. He was ready to live at a friend's house (the 47 yr. old) so that he could be with her. During the conversation I asked him if he would describe himself to me and I gave him an example by describing myself to him, "Energetic, optimistic, hard-worker, compassionate, generous, etc. etc." and I said that I was leaving out any words that would describe issues that I feel I need to work on or "negative". He started by saying "I'm optimistic" and stopped and then he started to cry and said I can't think of anything good about myself. He said he feels depressed and unmotivated (although he did work out some after he got up yesterday.)

I then went on to describe to him the way that I see him, "loyal friend, compassionate, people are drawn to him (including animals), sensitive, very intelligent (he tested in the top 5% of the nation in math), talented (but just not using his talents now) etc."

It was difficult for me because I would think of a word and I realized that was him before the age of 14 so I didn't include those words. I changed the rules and said she could spend the night 2 evenings and come to visit twice a week.

I hope and pray that the rehab and with God's help J will meet the right people and be given the right situations to help him improve his self-esteem. It is sad when someone's own sense of worth is bound so closely with someone else.

I was proud of myself when my husband, J and I went out to get a bite to eat and stopped at Walmart for my husband to look at new tires, my son said he wished he could get a game for his xbox (he didn't ask for it - in fact since he was about 18 he never asks me to buy anything for him)(all of his were taken by the car towing company he thinks) but knew they were too expensive. I thought at first well...maybe I could get it for him...but then I decided NO. My motives were to make him happy and it would make me happy to make him happy.

J was having problems getting through to his girlfriend on the phone and I overheard him talking to a friend that only drinks some (no drugs) about going out to play pool. Right after that my mother was on the front porch and started vomiting and was very weak and dizzy so she agreed to go to Urgent Care and I thought to myself I'll ask J to come to help me with her so that he wouldn't go out with this friend. He agreed readily and almost carried her to the car.

We were gone for about 3 hours - she ended up having a urinary tract infection, slight ear infection and stool accumulation so she is on an antibiodic. He was very helpful and after we arrived back home I heard him telling the friend that he would only go to this one place (restaurant with pool table) and not to a bar. He ended up staying home and his girlfriend came over.

Part of the issue is that I think it would be O.K. for a couple of his friends who only drink come over to visit and not stay late so that he is safer by not driving with anyone and I could convince my husband to change that rule also - but I feel that I'm coming off as wishy washy with my son.

I love getting comments - I am very open to other's suggestions and feedback - and ultimately most of us do what we feel is right/best.

Home from Jail

J arrived home last night with his girlfriend and I had steak/vegie/salad ready. We talked more about how jail was. Drug addicts banging their heads against the wall. Playing cards and betting commissary items and how some guys would get into fights because they wouldn't pay up. J witnessing a guy go into a diabetic coma and the nurse shinning a light into his eyes and then just laying him in his cell. How the people released on work release would return with drugs stashed in their ______. Guys that would give all three of their meals to someone in exchange for a cup of coffee (needed a fix). J said he didn't get into it with anyone because he didn't mess with them and they didn't mess with him.

He told me how he won't let me down this time and how he didn't even crave drugs while he was in there. He apologized for all the stress he's caused and understands why I called the police. He says he doesn't remember much about the evening but thinks he O.D.'d and that's why he was on the floor. I asked him if he knew how many pills he took and he said 20 xanax bars and snorted 5 crushed up percocet. He thinks I saved his life.

After reading so many of these blogs and other addiction related material I know to be cautious about what to believe. I had made a MISTAKE back about 1 year ago when I let J's girlfriend start sleeping over. I spoke with J a couple of days ago about house rules that we were going to institute and were in the process of deciding on them and said one of them would be that his girlfriend could come to visit 1 or 2 times per week. I was under so much emotional strain that I don't remember if I said she couldn't spend the night.

Anyway, I did read the initial draft to her over the phone so last night when he said she wouldn't be spending the night I thought we were all on the same page. This morning about 7am I saw her shoes in the foyer so I went downstairs and woke them up explaining that she would need to leave. He became very upset and said "This is f------ bull----". Normally, J is not disrespectful and is a very affectionate, kind person. He is very protective of her and I reminded her that I had read the rules to her on the phone. Initially my rules were:

1. NO drugs or alcohol
2. NO friends to visit except Lily twice a week (no sleepovers).
3. Complete daily chores as given to you by me.
4. No leaving the house without my consent.
5. Awake by 8am Mon-Fri and 9:30am Sat-Sun (with your own alarm clock) and lights
out by 11pm Mon-Fri and 12:30am Sat-Sun.
6. Exercise for 1/2 hr. per day 5 days a week.
7. Read every day for 1/2.
8. Limited home phone privileges - controlled by me.

After reading more co-dependent / enabling / addiction info yesterday decided to stick with Rules 1, 2 and 3. His future/life is in his hands and God's.

I turned my son in to the police

The next morning at 4:30am I went downstairs and J was passed out on the floor of his bedroom. I got him up and he was very drugged. We talked some and as I was getting him into bed I tried to take his jeans off but he resisted so something told me to put my hand in his pocket and I pulled out a bottle of pills. I got him into bed - he asked me to lay down with him, which I did and he immediately went back to sleep. My heart ached for my son!

I had done some research online a few weeks earlier and came across some articles that I have attached at the bottom. It was if the blinders had been lifted. I had also attended a Naranon meeting.

I called a drug crisis hotline and I explained some of the circumstances of the situation and the gentleman told me that his 19 yr. old daughter was in prison and would be out in February, that he was watching her baby until then and that I should make my son leave the house immediately and if he wouldn't then to call 911 (non-emergency) and ask them to take him from the premises. I knew that he was in no condition to leave so I called. Two cruisers arrived and they asked if he lived there (did his mail come there) and I said yes - so they said they couldn't take him - that I would have to have him evicted. I asked them to wait and I walked away and called the hotline again.

I got a different guy this time and didn't give him any details other than that the police wouldn't take him and should I tell them about the pills. He said YES - so I did and they went to his bedroom with me and handcuffed him and took him to jail.

It was the hardest/easiest thing I've ever done. By easiest I mean I felt like I was being led to do this and didn't feel much at the time. By the hardest, for the weeks to follow I would analyze it to death (in between all of the reading I've been doing for the last few months - mostly spiritual books (Dr. Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, and the Bible) and worry that because he was within weeks of getting into the rehab and had been doing well - except he did confide in me a couple of days before this happened that he found a way around the system for the hotline - he would call on Friday after 3pm and if he didn't need to go in the next day then he knew he could party because they were closed on Sundays.

His new charges were a felony drug possession and a misdemeanor possession. I then grappled with the decision of whether to get another attorney for him because these charges were in a different county and he was now facing certain prison time (although he had still never been to a drug rehab). I DIDN'T WANT TO ENABLE.

I did hire another attorney and now the two attorneys (who know each other) are pretty certain that he will be admitted to a 3-6 month lock-down drug rehab (there are 4 more upcoming court dates by mid-Oct.) and that the felonies will be dismissed in lieu of treatment.

So, as you can imagine, I am concerned that when my son comes home today, will he stay clean until he is admitted to the rehab. He was able to get himself off of two different drugs and stay clean for a few months and now that he knows what jail is like and that he is facing prison if he doesn't stay clean, he says there is no way he will do anything. I will have some strict rules and if he breaks them I will make him leave the house.

These are the articles:

• My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

• My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

• My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action. And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

• Stop being surprised. I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

__________________
Have A Great Day - Jon



I AM AN ADDICT.

You can't make me clean, though I know it is what you want for me to be. But until I want it, I won't be. You can't love me clean, because until I learn to love myself, I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a life style of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experiences. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.

I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.

You see, although I look and sound like your loved one. I am not. That person is in a self imposed prison way deep down inside of my being and what you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. I am an addict and my main focus is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping me" falls prey to my addiction giving it more power to shackle me down a little more each time.

I feed my addiction enough. So please don't help me.

The only way for the real me to get free is to be free. FREE to fall as far down as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back. To break free.

How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder ...

The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF

By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach "rock bottom". By trusting the process you move over and allow me to find my own way back. You see, it is in the fight to get free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself and the more I love myself ... the more I will start to do to better myself, but I myself, must do this.

I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't reach it you are blocking the entrance.

I know you love me and you only want whats best for me ... but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best for me and causes you to act from/out of fear and emotions.

Please for my sake don't try to stop me... just let me go ... move out of the way and let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me ... as far down as I have to, to reach rock bottom. Don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in me and trust the process. Pray for me that when I do hit ... it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn from my mistakes and live.

Passion
Recovering addict

"I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer


10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
By Ed Hughes, MPS

The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common, Everyday feelings for family members concerned about a loved one’s drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person’s lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.

Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind. If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one “hit bottom” and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of their loved one’s disease and cease their enabling behavior.

Here are 10 ways family members can help there loved one and themselves:

1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction . Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon.
Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial . Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept their loved as a “sick person” rather than a “bad person.” This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame. The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in their experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.

2) Don’t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease. Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be “loved” into recovery. Recovering people experience “hitting bottom.” This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that “truth” and “consequences” are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from their consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.

3) Don’t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.
Money is the lifeblood of addiction. Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use. Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.

4) Don’t analyze the loved one’s drinking or drug use. Don’t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes. There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others. This “paralysis by analysis” is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.

5) Don’t make idle threats. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict. Rather “actions speak louder than words” applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.

6) Don’t extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don’t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments. Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.

7) Don’t preach or lecture. Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person. A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation. If an alcoholic or addict could be “talked into” getting sober, many more people would get sober.

8) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger. These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one. For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members—they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity . The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable.

9) Don’t accommodate the disease. Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family’s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one’s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one’s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.

10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities. Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one’s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned.

Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon/Naranon. By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements.

The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family’s effort to say “no” and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume “business as usual.” There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict- rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery.

Still in Jail

J's girlfriend wasn't able to get everything done before the bank closed for her to get money from his account with a Power of Attorney that he had drawn up from jail so I guess he's coming home today.

Here is more info to get us to the present: After the OVI, J's lease was up and he realized his current lifestyle had to change so he asked to move in with me. My husband and I had divorced in 07' and then we reconnected in 08' and started dating off and on through the year. We had sold our house and I was living in a condo. After J moved in he seemed to be doing better. He got a job that lasted for a couple of months.

It's odd because I try to remember timelines and what happened when and it is blurry. Anyway, I bought a house in August of 08' - it has 5 bedrooms and my friends thought it was strange because I didn't really need the space. I had decided to get a roommate to help with expenses and she moved in during Dec. 08'. My mother became ill in Nov. 08' and went to a nursing home where she was having extreme problems adapting. I made the decision to quit my job and have her move in with me so I could take care of her. I wasn't used to the caretaking role and it was quite stressful with checking her blood sugar levels 4 x daily, giving shots, cooking, helping her in all other ways. She also is a negative, demanding person and bitter about the way her life has turned out (that's a whole different story).

My husband proposed to me on Christmas Eve and we remarried in Jan. 09' and went to Dominican Republic for our honeymoon.

My mother rapidly got better and then in Mar. 09' my son was pulled over in his car again (I think this time he had forgotten to get his registration updated) and was taken to jail for drug possession (3 felonies & 4 misdemeanors). I bailed him out (the 1st of two times) and got a well known criminal defense attorney for him.

Back in Feb. 09' I had decided to do some traveling before I started working again and booked two trips with an adventure travel group. The first trip was to Egypt & Jordan in March for 2 1/2 weeks and then I would be home for 10 days and leave to go to Peru for 3 weeks (where I would hike for 3 days on the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu). I think it was meant to be for me not to be around for a while!

Meanwhile, the attorney was able to get the court to agree that J needed rehab in lieu of conviction, but first he'd have to complete a pre-rehab phase that consists of going twice a week for 1 hour to a class, calling a hotline to see if he'd have to take a random drug screen each day and attend at least 3 AA or NA meetings per week.

We live over 1/2 hr. away so my life consisted of driving J to all of this (including court hearings) for about 2 months. He was doing well and because I needed to find a job we decided to give him an old car and he got the court to approve restricted driving privileges (for medical and court) and had an interlock device put on the car (the thing you have to breath into to get the car started).

I told him that I would drive him other places as necessary and that if he felt weak (i.e. wanting to take drugs to please talk with me about it and we would make sure to get him help). His girlfriend would drive them around some (to friend's, to go swimming, etc.) and there were a few other guy friends that they'd go out with. WHAT WAS I THINKING....He wanted to drink in place of smoking pot/doing drugs and initially I remember telling he and his girlfriend after this happened that he would need to change all of his friends, not drink, etc. But gradually, it worked its way in! He then started wanting to drive the car to run errands and he'd have his AA NA meeting dates/times in the car in case he got stopped so that he could say he was on the way to one of those.

Then at the end of May a "47 yr. old friend" of his took he and his girlfriend out to a bar and J said that around midnight he realized his friend had been drinking heavily (which was not like him supposedly) and J told him to stop drinking since he was driving and to go find a girl to talk to. Around 1:30am he couldn't find his girlfriend (she had decided to leave and walk to a friend's house down the street in her drunken stupor) and he found his friend out front in his vehicle starting to drive away. J stopped him and told him to park the car (he was worried that he would kill someone or himself) and instead of calling us he made the ill-fated decision to drive.

He called me at a little after 2am and said he was being pulled over and left his phone on and I could hear everything. He sounded very sober and took the breathlizer test and passed that but they charged him with an OVI anyway after administering the field sobriety tests. The police took his phone in the cruiser with them and it was still on and I could hear everything and it was emotional torture for me at the time!! I bailed him out early that morning from jail. My thinking at the time was that he was being more responsible than usual by not drinking too much and his intention was to protect his friend. His attorney was able to get that dropped to a "reckless op".

He found some odd jobs, doing roofing for a week or a few days and I would suggest he look on the computer and really work at finding a job (put in 3-4 hours a day) but he was not motivated. He would worry that no one would want to hire him because this stuff was pending.

J has a sleep disorder (the same one that I have) Periodic Limb Movement Disorder and Restless Leg Syndrome and he was prescribed Klonipin (a benzo), the same thing that I take at night. He would stay up late with his girlfriend and then sleep until about noon. Then in mid August he had stayed up all night and seemed intoxicated/drugged the following morning and as I questioned him about it he kept saying he had just had a few drinks last night and hadn't slept so that was why he was acting that way.

He insisted on having to go out and run some errands and I kept saying but how will you get the car started if you've been drinking. Well he left and came back a couple of hours later. WHAT THE HELL was I doing allowing him to drive the car???

Then at the end of August this happened again and I again kept telling him not to drive - but he did. I was out at the grocery and got a phone call from him saying he had a dilemma and then he put the police officer on the phone. It was the oddest sensation because in the past my heart would have lurched, but this time I remember I didn't feel ANYTHING! I started to drive home and remember crying, but differently this time. It was more of a moaning from the soul!

He had stopped at a gas station and they had called the police thinking he was intoxicated. The police watched him in his car in the parking lot for 15 minutes and when they approached he had been passed out the whole time so they took him in for a urine test and wanted to bring him home. When he got home I told him that I was going to have to decide if he could live with me and I needed a couple of days to think it through so I packed a bag for him and took he and his girlfriend over to her house. He was still drugged.

My son is coming home from jail today...

My son called a few minutes ago and is having his girlfriend bail him out of jail today. He has been there for a month as of today. I need to give some information of how we arrived at this point.

J is my only child and until he was a sophomore in High School he was an honor roll student (without having to study) and a star athlete (6'9" tall - basketball and baseball). His choir teacher called me at home and begged me to convince him not to drop out of choir because he was so talented. His grades plummeted towards the end of his sophomore year and he dropped out of both sports.

He has always been a strong willed child and a master at rationalizing and debating topics with me. He wanted to go to a vocational school in town for the last 2 years of High School and said that way he could learn a trade so I let him (mistake??). We have always been very close. I divorced his father when he was 2 years old and then moved back to Ohio when he was 3 years old to be close to family. I was a single parent until he was 6 years old and then married my present husband.

My ex-husband tried to get custody when J was 6 years old and we had a year long court battle that he lost. J was in counseling for that year and because he was so intimidated and afraid of his father, the counselor told J that it was O.K. to lie to his father. He saw his father every other weekend and on Wed. evenings. His father was very controlling and there are many incidents that were of great concern (i.e. having him pull down his pants when he was 11 years old to be spanked for not practicing enough baseball while he was at my house).

When he was 12 years old his father (who had moved to the same town as us with his wife and their child) hit a neighbor, almost killing him, (they lived in an affluent part of town) and after a lengthy court battle was acquitted - they said it was self defense. Anyway, I was able to get visitation taken away for 1 1/2 years until J was 14. His father, step-mother and half-sister moved away soon thereafter and J didn't want to visit him once he turned 16.

I moved a lot as a child (18 times in 13 years) so it was important to me that he stay in the same school district growing up and we did. He was very popular in school and my husband bought him his first vehicle - a 20 year old SUV - when he was 16. J mowed lawns from the time he was 10 years old and once he dropped out of sports he always had a part time job while in school.

J always had a lot of love and discipline. My house was where all of the children would come to jump on the trampoline, eat chocolate cake and play hide-n-go seek. I loved playing with the kids - even though I worked full time - I had lots of energy and loved children.

I will add more details later. Right now I will concentrate on the addiction. I found cigarettes in his school backpack when he was 14 or 15 and then caught he and a friend in his bedroom with marijuana when he was 15. I called the friend's parents, told them and grounded J for 1 month.

16 years old:  Admitted to the principal at school that he had smoked marijuana on the way to school with a friend in his vehicle. They searched the vehicle – didn’t find anything and he had to go through counseling.

16 years old:  He skipped school and a company called the police to complain that there were boys throwing rocks at the cars – police called – they chased them and J was caught. I don't remember if he was charged with anything.

17 years old: He was at a friend's house drinking with 3 girls and 2 other guys – parents not home – the cat triggered the alarm in the house and the police came around back and found them. I think he got a disorderly conduct charge.

18 years old: He was buying beer at a carry out – caught by undercover police – had to testify against the shop owner.

19 years old:  He was driving his girlfriend to Michigan to visit her mother and was pulled over for throwing a cigarette out of the car. He was caught with paraphanelia and pot. He hired himself an attorney and got some reduced charge.

He had moved out of my home before this happened and lived with a roommate for 1 year until he was 20. When I would go to visit him he had lost a lot of weight and complained that his stomach hurt. I still didn't know it was a drug addiction (where was I???)(don't worry I'm not blaming myself, just wondering how I was so blinded)!

20 years old:  He called me at 6am in morning – up all night - stopped to get something to eat and was pulled over for his turn signal being out – I thought he was very intoxicated when he called me (but this is when he told me that he had been taking massive amounts of xanax (up to 50 pills a day). He refused to take the urine test and was charged with an OVI. He had to attend a class.

I talked to him about going to a rehab and he said they didn't work unless someone was ready for it to work. He had other friends that had gone. Of course he thought he knew everything!! I will post more later!!