I know that I am making progress in my recovery based on the way that I handled a phone call last night from my son (a summary of it is below). Normally, I would have done what he asked. I’m recognizing my past pattern of allowing him to manipulate me through guilt and my sense of “what is fair” etc.
J called and we made small talk for a minute. I inquired if his gf was coming Wed. for visitation because we were going to alternate visits. To be able to visit you have to fill out a form and either mail it in or bring it in. You also have to attend an orientation. Every week there has been an excuse from her to him about both requirements.
He said it was complicated – that the people at the rehab were being rude to her and that they said they haven’t received her paperwork to clear her for visits. J says since he was allowed to have a visitor right before Christmas (when I was out of the country and he had her come to visit) and they didn’t require the person to have attended orientation for that visit, that she may still be allowed in.
I said I would come Wed. to visit also, if he’d like me to, and he asked me to call her and talk to her about it. I said I didn’t need to because both of us could visit – he’s allowed two visitors. He said call her anyway, because something might go wrong and she wouldn’t be able to get in and “Couldn’t I do just that one thing for him” and I said “No”. I said I didn’t need to because if she was late – she wouldn’t be allowed in and if she was on time (and they cleared her), she would. He said, “Is there anything else you want to talk about?” and I said “well, I guess not”. He said he’d see me Wed. and I asked him if he still wanted me to come. He said, “If you want to.” I could tell he was angry.
Gratitude for today...
J is safe and sober
I don't have to travel in the foot of snow today
I'm beginning to stop second guessing everything I say to J
I can have compassion for my son but not have to fix it for him
Instead of trying to comfort J with the words "Remember, I'm always here for you", I can
substitute them with "Remember, God is always here for you"!
Peace and love to everyone today!
4 comments:
Good for you Sherry! Your growth and acceptance is showing and I am so happy you are starting to see that you can have some peace in your own life, regardless of how your son feels or where he is at in is own recovery. Like my Mom used to always say "he can get glad in the same pants he got mad in". It must have been an Oklahoma thing...LOL:)
Thats a funny statement from Mom of Opiate Addict's Mom :) I think I'll start using that!
That's a tough one - I've heard it all to often "Couldn't I do just that one thing for [her]?" I've always caved in the past - guilt always gets me. I think you did great - b/c why should you get yourself in the middle of something that's not yours... I too am learning and so often I'd get into something that wasn't mine - helpful, helpful, helpful - then something would go wrong and then I'd be the one paying for it - where if I'd just stayed out to begin with. Kudos to you :)
Fortunately (???) since Heather has been calling me she hasn't asked for anything... it's REAL easy to "put my Al-Anon to use" when there's nothing going on. I hope I can do as well when the time comes.
J will be the better for it as he is learning to take control of his own life.
God bless.
It takes time to overcome a life time of co-dependent behaviors. It sounds as if you are doing well with moving forward to take care of yourself.
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