At Peace

Mom passed away last night around 10pm.  I feel peaceful and relieved that she is free.  I created a video to show at the memorial service and if you'd like to watch it...click on the photo above.  Thanks for all of your thoughts, prayers and support!

Sending peace, love and joy!

The Butterfly Effect

 When you feel powerless or insignificant...just remember that every thing you say, do, and think has an effect upon the world!  Each time you have kind words to say, a smile for someone, or a positive thought about yourself or someone else...you've changed the course of the world!  How powerful is that?

I took these photos at a Butterfly Exhibition yesterday and decided to research the history of butterflies.

 According to Wikipedia, The Butterfly Effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions; where a small change at one place in a nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state. For example, the presence or absence of a butterfly flapping its wings could lead to creation or absence of a hurricane.

Rather than feeling helpless during difficult situations in our lives and of those we love, we need to remember that we have more control/power than we've ever imagined.  Realizing that we can't and shouldn't control others...only ourselves is the key!

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."

 

 Sending thoughts of peace, love, and joy!

Missed You

I returned from the three week whirlwind European trip on June 21st and had two days to unpack, do laundry, go through mail, pay bills, etc. etc. and pack for a four day boating/camping trip in Kentucky.  I returned Sunday from that and realized I forgot my password for getting into my blog.  I tried resetting the password, but "they" would send the info to the account I couldn't remember the password for...but I finally remembered!

I'm up to date on what's going on with most every one...just haven't had time to comment yet.  I can't remember if I mentioned I decided to sell my house.  I bought the house when my husband and I were divorced.  I put it on the market two days before I left on the trip and there has been much activity.  I received a good offer yesterday and signed a contract...so now we'll be looking to possibly rent a place or buy.  Ultimately, we'd like to move to the Carolinas or somewhere?

J is doing great!  He was in his two week assessment through the courts while I was gone and they assessed that he just needs an out-patient program.  He goes to a class Monday through Thursday, 9-12noon and then works from 2pm-10pm.  His boss agreed to let him only work until 10pm, instead of 1am for the two months that he is attending.  Then he will only go twice a week 9-12noon for a few months and then once a week.  In between showings of the house, I've been driving about 2 1/2 hours total per day to get him to everything.  It's a small price to pay for having my son back!

He had his last court appearance last week and his attorney was very excited that he was able to be granted "Treatment in Lieu of Conviction" in two different counties.  In his 34 years of handling these cases, he's never seen it happen.  I've been praying for all of us almost every day...even on the trip.

Here are a few pictures of the 888 that I took...

In Lisbon, Portugal

Cinque Terre, Italy (We hiked 1 1/2 hours from one town to the next, along the Italian riviera)

Venice (this was on my birthday...took a Gondola ride)

The trip was amazing and I am blessed in many ways.  I'll post more later!

Trusting our Gut & God

We’ve all heard that it’s important in many situations to be able to “trust our gut” or “intuition” regarding many decisions in our life.  These feelings can cause us to decide not to date someone or to move to a city that we’ve just visited that we know is our new “home”. Sometimes, we’ve forged ahead with a decision although there is that internal voice/feeling saying…no…don’t do it!


As a child we heard the phrases, “Look before you leap. Stop and think. Don't judge a book by its cover."  Instinct, or intuition, remains in us as adults, but is usually underdeveloped. Instinct is insight based not on reason, but on awareness. When we allow it back into our consciousness, we can become more effective in many areas of life.

We need to increase our self-awareness and when we suppress our feelings, we actually hinder this awareness.  Acknowledging and identifying our feelings is the beginning of this process. Asking ourselves, “How am I feeling now, about this situation or person?”

We also need to be aware of others’ feelings and motivations, by being a good listener…not just to the words…but to the nonverbal communication.

"He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened."

-- Tao Te Ching

When I married my first husband, I had that internal voice, but I was 29 years old and my biological time clock was ticking…I wanted a child!  There were other instances where I wanted to give the person the benefit of the doubt and buried that voice that was nagging me.  Of course, there are situations that I went with my “gut feeling”.  One such instance, was when my son was a baby and was ill with a fever of 103.  I had traveled by plane to visit my mother-in-law and she didn’t think he needed to go to the hospital, but I insisted and he had pneumonia.

These feelings seem to emerge from our inner being, but actually begin with a perception of something outside—a facial expression, a tone of voice, a visual inconsistency so fleeting you're not even aware you noticed.

I believe that intuition is a combination of our brain’s stored knowledge from past experiences and also our emotional state of being.  We’ve heard the term “paralysis by analysis”…if we try to make decisions without heeding our emotional feelings, then we tend to take too many details into account and take an hour to decide which detergent is best to buy.  Or on the converse, we can make bad choices, if we only let emotion guide us, especially in areas we don’t have much expertise or knowledge of.

Many of us believe what we want to believe…denial.  It is possible to justify just about anything: the brain is great at coming up with reasons.  As parents or the spouse of an addict, our emotions…fear, guilt, anger…tend to guide us because we are so vested in the outcome.  Many of us have built up experiences of dealing with some of the issues from our childhood, but they were also experiences that were driven through emotion.

When we’ve been lied to, stolen from, cheated on, it is difficult to trust again.  Trusting ourselves and God is a good place to start!

Sweet Memories...

Occasionally, I have allowed my thoughts to rest on every event, word, mistake that has occurred in my son’s life that could have led to his current condition…

then...I realize how blessed I am to have been given the gift of motherhood.  The sweet memories and the opportunity for my own growth through these experiences are plentiful.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3


Some of these memories are:

• The warm, tender feelings when I was nursing him

• The sound of his first giggle, playing peek-a-boo, tickling him

• His excitement at seeing me when I would pick him up from daycare

• Reading book after book with him at night, snuggling in bed

• The proud look on his little face the first time he went in a grown up toilet, tied his shoelaces, biked without training wheels, and the heavenly sound of him singing "Amazing Grace"...both verses...when he was 2 yrs. old

• The treasured feeling when he would give me a big hug and kiss and say, “I love you so much Mommy”

• Wrapping him in a towel that I had warmed in the dryer after his bath (he was a little spoiled with that one)

• The drawings and cards he would make for me

• Playing games together…hide-n-go-seek…card games…board games… Nintendo

• Visiting Santa and the Easter bunny

• His toothless grin when the tooth fairy left him money

• Taking him to Discovery zone, Chuckie Cheese’s, the Children’s Museum, the park, the amusement park, the toy store, the zoo, the water park, camping, boating, trick-or-treating, putt-putt golf, para-sailing, bungee jumping, sky-diving, roller skating, ice skating, snow skiing, to see fireworks, to Myrtle Beach and other fun vacations, etc., etc.

• Doing things together…jumping on the trampoline, watching Barney and Sesame Street, riding bikes…chasing each other around the house, 4-wheeling

• Feeling so proud when he did well in school, basketball, baseball and choir


Of course, I have a grown-up relationship...most of the time... with him now, but it's nice to remininscence.  I have faith that God will help him to walk the path that leads to freedom and righteousness.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him." Jeremiah 17:7

Craziness...activities...The Bible...J

The week after J first went to jail, I was running an errand and saw a woman walking down the street with a suitcase.  I immediately felt compassion for her, pulled over and asked her if she needed a ride.  This was back in September during my "guilt- ridden/co-dependency" period, so I don't remember all of the details.

She said she was going to meet her sister and was headed to an area that was about 20 minutes away by car.  I told her I could take her.  She was a black woman, perhaps in her 50's, and poor.  As I asked more questions, she began contradicting herself. 

To make a long story shorter, I drove to three different areas and at one point was trying to find a church to leave her at.  I let her use my cell phone to call her "sister" and eventually I stopped at a convenience store for her to obtain directions.  I called my roommate and told her what was going on.  She sounded very concerned and said I should just leave her there.  When she came out of the store, I told her that I needed to get on my way and she asked if I could spare any money for her to get a hotel room and I said "no", wished her well and drove off.   I have never picked up a hitchhiker, so this was very unusual for me.  Pretty crazy!


The events that I organized through "meetup" have come to an end...whew!  The week before last, I had about 30 people come to a venue to listen to a popular live band and dance.  The following day I led an 8 mile hike on a paved bike trail, alongside a small river.  It would have been a pretty easy hike, except there was 6 inches of snow to crunch through.

This Friday evening I had about 30 people come to the horse races.  I have only been to a horse race once before years ago so it was exciting.  I bet on 7 races and won 3 of them - walking away with $18 extra.  The first horse I bet and won on was called "Fearful woman"!  Sunday was my final event, "Indoor glow-in-the-dark" putt putt golf.  There were about 25 people and then about 15 of us went to eat afterward. 

My husband and I also went to someone else's meetup event last Sunday, "indoor target practice".  Neither one of us have been to an indoor place, even though we are both experienced shooters.

That's a pic of me shooting...


I have picked up the bible a few times through the years and attempted to read it.  I have always found it to be quite daunting and boring.  I recently bought a new bible called "The One Year Bible" and love it.  They split it up into daily readings of about 15 minutes, comprised of a section from the Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs. 

I saw J on Saturday and it was a good visit.  He said that since he's in with the lowest risk group, there are some guys in his pod that are in for not paying child support.  The two hours a day that he attends classes sometimes are filled with information about non-payment of child support, consequences, etc.  Seems a little odd to have drug addicts sit in on that...!  He mentioned that he would like to be assessed for depression when he is released.  He has an appointment the day after he is released!

Love and peace to each of you!!

Freedom

My husband and I attended a new Church today. “Freedom” was the message. The pastor said, “Total freedom means living completely, fearlessly, passionately and joyfully regardless of your circumstances, not because of them.”


Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom. *2Corinthians 3:17

When you have an addicted child that is homeless, in jail, stealing, dealing drugs, and worse, you wonder, how can I live fearlessly and joyfully? Some moments or days are harder than others, but if we can accept where we are at the moment with our feelings and release the struggle, we’re growing!

Although I have moments almost every day that I cry...from reading something sad on one of the blogs, thinking about the past, or seeing the pain in my son's eyes when I visit him, I am taking action towards recovery.  I've written a list of short term and long term goals, tell myself out loud..."I love you", have started attending Church again, starting Naranon meetings again, etc.

I woke up this morning with the thoughts of "compassion" on my mind...and that was the topic of Peggy's post at http://peglud.wordpress.com/ today!  If you've been following my blog, you'll remember me mentioning that my oldest brother is an alcholic and my mother is his enabler.  His unemployment ran out and he'll be moving into my mother's one bedroom, senior citizen apartment at the end of this month.  He has already sold his furniture.

He hasn't been looking for a job and my mother isn't allowed to have anyone live with her...we're fearful that she may be "kicked out" if they find out.  I've been talking to my husband about how difficult it is to have compassion for him...especially since he has emotionally abused her...and physcially in the past...for years.  I will always lend a helping hand to someone who will help themselves.  I researched homeless shelters in the area and armed her with some phone numbers...just in case she could muster up the courage to force him to "fend for himself", because once she is gone, most likely that is what will happen.

Gratitude for today...

My son is safe and sober
My ability to forgive myself and others easily
The absence of fear

Peace, love and prayers of freedom and compassion for all of us!!

Struggling

I'm not sure if it is the jet lag or depression or a combination, but I have been struggling with sadness, sleeping a lot and feeling the urge to smoke again.  I'll get in bed at 6pm and sleep until 6am.  It's been 7 weeks since I smoked.  I wonder if being an addict feels like this, because my brain tries to trick me by saying, "What does it matter if you start smoking again and die a few years younger than you would have?", or "I can always smoke again and stop again".


I had a job interview on Monday and should hear something by next week.  I know that a lot of my problem is not having a job.  I keep thinking I should continue to look for something that I want to do full-time, long term, rather than just take any job to have something to do until I find something else, but I'm rethinking that for my mental health.


Today is J's birthday, he's 22.  He hasn't called me since Christmas Day.  I went and bought another $20 phone card for him this week.  Each 15 min. call is $2.00 and basically he calls his father, his girlfriend and me.  He said he's trying to make each card last and that his girlfriend was supposed to buy a card.  It concerns me that his girlfriend is still waiting for him.  I read what Lou said in one of her comments, that anytime a girlfriend waits it's usually not a good situation.  She was doing drugs with him before he went to jail and I don't know what her status is now.

I'll get to see him around January 9th and he's allowed to have 2 visitors.  He can 2 visitors once a week. I told my husband that he will probably want me and his girlfriend to come the first time.  Nothing against him, but they aren't that close so it makes sense.  Of course, its up to him who he wants to see.


I'm trying to live in the moment and not think too much about what the future will bring.  Also, I continue to pray that J is in God's hands and everything is as it should be!


My husband and I went to see the movie "Avatar" a couple of days ago in 3-D and it was great.  I highly recommend it!

We're supposed to go with my brother and his wife to a party tonight - probably around 30 people and it's only a 15-20 min. drive.  Tomorrow, we're going on a 7 mile hike with about 35 people that is a 1 1/2 hr. drive from here.


My prayers are with my family, friends and the following people (I hope I didn't leave anyone out):


Barbara and Keven; Renee and Zach; Lisa and Bryan; Annette and daughter; Madison and family; Chailatte and son; Mom and Heather; Lou and Andrew; Cheri and family; Tall Kay; Steve in Fl.; Debbie and Son; Dad, Mom and Son; and Bill and Son.


Gratitude: 


J is safe and sober
Free Will
My mother
Love


Happy New Year and Peace, Love, and Joy to all of you!!

I'm back...

 
Hi everybody!  I've caught up with your blogs and wanted to post a few pics from my trip.  I returned Christmas Eve and went to my brother's house Christmas afternoon.  My husband and I picked my mother up.  It was a small gathering - 4 of my sister-in-law's friends, my nephew (my niece was in Florida with her mom) and us.  


My husband said grace at dinner and got a little choked up.  His father passed away this year and also with J not with us we felt very emotional at times.  J got transferred to rehab while I was on my trip.  He called me Christmas Eve and said that it is much better than jail.  The nurse is allowing him to have seconds of food (he weighed 213 lbs when he arrived and has gained 10 lbs. in 2 weeks).  He wants to get up to 240 or 250 - he's 6'9" tall so that wouldn't be too heavy.  He's been working out also.


He sounded a little sad - he also called me Christmas Day.  He feels very grateful to be at the rehab and has been going to the church 2-3 times a week.  The pastor is from an area church and is a former crack addict.  J says he is very inspirational.  J said he prayed for my safety while I was on the trip and of course I prayed for him every day.


I haven't been as open on this blog as I could about how this has been affecting me.  I think for a variety of reasons - because I like to set a good example and let people see that you can have a life even if your heart feels like it is being ripped out - also because I believe that we have a choice to sit around and dwell on the bad things in our lives or get out and live!  I don't like to feel sorry for myself and do believe that most of our children will be able to live drug free lives.  I have always been perceived as the strong one but I cry most every day!  

The trip was very educational and busy.  We only stayed in each spot for typically 1 to 2 days.  There were seven of us - five women traveling solo and a newlywed couple.  The nationalities were German, UK, Canada and US.  Everyone was very nice!  We rotated on who we shared a room with each night - which worked out well.

 This was in Vang Vieng, Laos

 

I'm standing in the courtyard of our hotel in Vientiane, Laos

 

Halong Bay, Vietnam

 

While on a 2 day slow boat down the Mekong River, we stopped at two separate villages and took supplies that we had purchased for one of the villages.

 

Two village girls - it was their New Year's celebration

 Elephant Riding in Chiang Mai, Thailand

Hope you have a great weekend!

Pick a number at Jail & Roommate Search

Visited J at jail today. You pick a number and have a seat. You can call me crazy - but one of the ways I know God is with me is through the number 3 (which represents "the father, the son and holy spirit"). It has been an odd form of comfort. For a few weeks leading up to me finding J passed out on his bedroom floor and up until a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that the number 3 would appear constantly.

Almost every time I looked at the clock it would be 1:33, 10:30, 3:00, etc. and when I would pick a number at jail, it was always 3 or 13. J's inmate number when added together was 13!

When I went to buy new glasses, the bill was $333.63. When I got the oil changed in my car, the mechanic said it was $33.23, and then said "actually it is $30.23, I'm not sure where that extra 3 came from"! There are many other examples.

During this time I was feeling overwhelmed, anxiety-ridden, and all of the other emotions that a parent experiences when they finally comprehend the reality that their child is a drug addict.



Today's visit was fine. One of the positive experiences for him through this has been that his father and father's family have been writing him letters and reaching out. He's gotten letters not only from his father, but from both aunts, his grandmother, grandfather, my brother's ex-wife, my girlfriend, and of course me.

He even had an hour long conversation with his father (they only talk about once or twice a year). His father is planning on coming up from Texas to visit him over Thanksgiving!

While I was in the waiting room, there was a lady that spoke very little English (from Russia) and the police officer wasn't very helpful that was in the waiting room - so I spoke with the officer behind the 2 way mirrored glass and spoke for her. She was there to post $500 bail to get her daughter out. I don't know about the rest of you, but I get more pleasure out of giving than receiving!


I mentioned in an earlier post that my roommate moved out so we've been interviewing potential people. Last night a very nice girl in her late 20's, an engineer going to school at night to obtain her Master's degree (also a marathon runner, takes singing lessons, figure-skating lessons etc. etc.) came over and had dinner with us. She and I have a lot in common: athleticism, eating healthy (she's a vegetarian - I used to be), love of travel, etc. Her family is from the South Pacific Islands - one near Guam - needless to say she is beautiful (both inside and out)!

I have told all three people that have come over some of J's situation. I believe in being open and upfront concerning any possible issues.

She is making a decision by Tuesday - if it is meant to be it will be!


My husband is sick - possibly a virus or the flu. His fever was up to 102 yesterday. Sorry if I offend any men out there, but it seems whenever he is sick (even with a cold and no fever) the world is going to end. I have to say that he has gotten better about it, the older he gets.

Gratitude:

Son is safe and sober
Medicine (to make husband less grumpy and better)
Naps
Choices

Love, peace and happiness to everyone!!

Court Results & Moving Day

J had three different court proceedings in two different counties this week. Since he is still in jail for the "wreckless op" case, attorney #1 represented him in the other county and was able to continue those cases until next week. The other case was here in our county so they brought J to the courtroom. I spoke with attorney #2 in the hall before it started. This was the case where I called the police on J and he was facing a felony drug possession charge.

I've been praying daily asking God to "please heal J" and to "please give the attorneys and Judges in the case the guidance to make the best decision for J to be healed". I also requested other family members who didn't know what was going on to also pray.

The Judge sentenced J to the "lockdown rehab" (he didn't say for how long) and then three years probation. The wait is 1-2 months for a bed and they will keep J in jail until there is an opening. Attorney #2 asked the Judge if J could be released on his release date next week so that he could make his other court appearances and the Judge said "NO" - that it looks like he has a "catch 22" situation and someone will have to figure it out.

It is quite complicated because the attorney #1 is telling me that unless J can get out of jail to make the court appearances in the other county, they can't go along with this county's rehab recommendation. The two attorneys are supposed to talk again and I should hear something soon.

I know that I've been worried, but it truly helped to pray and feel that J was being looked out for. Through this process, I am fine tuning my beliefs and think that prayer is the most important piece of the process, but that seeking education/knowledge and then acting on that knowledge (when it is something that I can control and feel in my gut that I should act upon) is the way I want to handle my life and what affects me.

I just finished reading "Beautiful Boy" and "The Cross and the Switchblade". The later book is by the founder of the "Teen Challenge". As time goes on I am learning more...



My husband took 1/2 day off of work on Monday so that myself, a friend and my husband could move my mother into her new senior citizen apartment. Moving is my specialty - I've moved 42 times in 51 years - not counting when I help others move. Everything was finished by Monday evening except a couple of end tables for the living room.

Today after Court I went with her and helped her pick out a small dining room set that will be delivered in a week. It has been a challenging time having her live with me for the past 10 months, but I think I have learned more patience among other things.

Gratitude:

1. My son is safe and sober!
2. My mother moved out (yahoo)!
3. I've gotten some e-mails and a phone call through my job search.
4. The beautiful sun shining through warming me as I type this.

Thanks for your prayers and good thoughts!

Swine Flu & Jail Book Drive

When I saw my son in Jail yesterday he was sick. He said he'd been sick for a few days and filled out a form the day before to be seen, but they hadn't gotten to him yet. Tonight he called and said that they took him to the hospital last night because he had a 101.5 fever. They tested him for the flu and it was negative, so they gave him some sudafed and ibuprofen (none to take to the jail with him though).

He said he feels better today, but that they moved him into a cell block that has 3 cells and he is the only person in the block. They had moved a man out a few hours before they put J in and that man had been sick with H1N1. I asked J if he cleaned everything with a disinfectant (including the phone he was talking to me on) and he said yes!

In an earlier conversation a week ago he was complaining that it was very hard to sleep because he was in a room with a lot of men who would fart and snore all night. Looking on the bright side, I told him tonight that at least he wouldn't have to listen to them. He said he'd rather be in with them now because he is all by himself.

It's funny how we think our current situation is bad and then we find ourselves in one that we find even worse. I told him I've been praying for him since yesterday to get and stay healthy and he thanked me.



I've been working on getting books donated from Half Price Books to me so that I can take them to the Jail. I got approval from the Jail with the condition that they can't be hardbound, romantic or computer related.

Today I am grateful for:

1. My son is safe and sober and overcoming his illness.
2. The beautiful sunny day today.
3. My husband is handy: can fix about anything, knowledgeable about
electrical, welding, mechanics etc. (he's out working on his truck
right now).
4. The backrub he just gave me a few minutes ago (I've been painting, jogging,
cleaning the refrigerator..etc. etc. etc. today)
5. GOD!

Walking in "Faith"

I am going to a new church today and my mother agreed to come with me. As a child my parents never went to church. When I was 12 years old I went to a church for a few months that a girlfriend belonged to. My mother would drop me off and I didn't understand why she didn't want to come. I sang "Amazing Grace" once in that church and she did come for that service.

When J was 2 years old he sang "Amazing Grace" for my father's family at Christmas when I went to visit one year. His voice was sweet and clear as he sang and I remember feeling so proud and touched.

Through the years I have gone to church off and on. My first husband and I went for about a year, but I had mixed feelings because once we married I saw how he was not a good example of a christian. I felt that he was a hypocrite.

My current husband was raised Pentecostal and brought up in the church. He also witnessed much hypocrisy in his church and when we married, although I wanted to find a church to join, his heart was not in it. He would go with me occasionally and I would take J and go without him when he didn't want to go.

After I called the police to take J away, one of my girlfriends who knew the anguish I was feeling sent me this inspirational message that touched my heart.



“Sometimes only the step I’m on, or the very next one ahead, is all that is illuminated for me. God gives just the amount of light I need for the exact moment I need it. At those times, I walk in surrender to faith, unable to see the future and not fully comprehending the past.

Because it is God who has given me what light I have, I know I must reject the fear and doubt that threaten to overtake me. I must determine to be content where I am, and allow God to get me where I need to go. I walk forward, one step at a time, fully trusting that the light God sheds is absolutely sufficient.”

Surrender

With my free will I am surrendering my life to God today!

I am excited to see where God will lead me and the miracles that I will witness!

Attracting What We Want

J is now in two different drug testing programs for two counties!

He talked to me last night about going to a college football game with 2 friends who drink but don't do drugs. They would be driving over 2 hours away and spending the night. I told him it was his decision. I prayed to God last night to keep him safe. I noticed that I didn't sleep as well last night.

Today, he said that because the game was just across the state border that he didn't think he'd be allowed to go.

I began my spiritual quest about 2 years ago. I've always been an eternal optimist. The most recent spiritual book I'm reading focuses on how we can control our thoughts. Our emotions are to be our guide. If we start to worry, replace it with a better thought. If we find ourselves getting impatient or irritable to be aware of it and to change our thinking about the person/situation. They emphasize that we should always look for the good in people and also think and talk about what we want in our lives, not what we don't want. We will attract what we want that way. It's not about changing others, but changing ourselves.

I want and envision myself to be happy, peaceful, healthy, loving, affectionate and successful.
I want and envision my son to be healthy, happy, successful and at peace.
I want and envision my husband to be supportive, affectionate, successful, happy and loving.
I want and envision my mother to be happy, content, healthy as she can be, and at peace.

It actually goes hand in hand with the Alanon/Naranon program in that we should be walking our own walk and to not let other people's emotions and/or negative situations become our main focus.

Today I'm thankful for:

1. I can walk, talk, see, hear (just a bit deaf), smell, and taste.
2. I have regular toilets (in Peru, Egypt and Jordan - many of the toilets are just holes in the
ground.
3. Books/Writers.
4. Modes of transportation: Car, bicycle, motorcyle.
5. To still have the ability to do fun things like water-ski, snow-ski, hike, bike, jog.

Much love and peace to everyone!!

So Sad

My son and I had a talk yesterday about the rules and he told me that his girlfriend is the only person that makes him feel good about himself right now. He was ready to live at a friend's house (the 47 yr. old) so that he could be with her. During the conversation I asked him if he would describe himself to me and I gave him an example by describing myself to him, "Energetic, optimistic, hard-worker, compassionate, generous, etc. etc." and I said that I was leaving out any words that would describe issues that I feel I need to work on or "negative". He started by saying "I'm optimistic" and stopped and then he started to cry and said I can't think of anything good about myself. He said he feels depressed and unmotivated (although he did work out some after he got up yesterday.)

I then went on to describe to him the way that I see him, "loyal friend, compassionate, people are drawn to him (including animals), sensitive, very intelligent (he tested in the top 5% of the nation in math), talented (but just not using his talents now) etc."

It was difficult for me because I would think of a word and I realized that was him before the age of 14 so I didn't include those words. I changed the rules and said she could spend the night 2 evenings and come to visit twice a week.

I hope and pray that the rehab and with God's help J will meet the right people and be given the right situations to help him improve his self-esteem. It is sad when someone's own sense of worth is bound so closely with someone else.

I was proud of myself when my husband, J and I went out to get a bite to eat and stopped at Walmart for my husband to look at new tires, my son said he wished he could get a game for his xbox (he didn't ask for it - in fact since he was about 18 he never asks me to buy anything for him)(all of his were taken by the car towing company he thinks) but knew they were too expensive. I thought at first well...maybe I could get it for him...but then I decided NO. My motives were to make him happy and it would make me happy to make him happy.

J was having problems getting through to his girlfriend on the phone and I overheard him talking to a friend that only drinks some (no drugs) about going out to play pool. Right after that my mother was on the front porch and started vomiting and was very weak and dizzy so she agreed to go to Urgent Care and I thought to myself I'll ask J to come to help me with her so that he wouldn't go out with this friend. He agreed readily and almost carried her to the car.

We were gone for about 3 hours - she ended up having a urinary tract infection, slight ear infection and stool accumulation so she is on an antibiodic. He was very helpful and after we arrived back home I heard him telling the friend that he would only go to this one place (restaurant with pool table) and not to a bar. He ended up staying home and his girlfriend came over.

Part of the issue is that I think it would be O.K. for a couple of his friends who only drink come over to visit and not stay late so that he is safer by not driving with anyone and I could convince my husband to change that rule also - but I feel that I'm coming off as wishy washy with my son.

I love getting comments - I am very open to other's suggestions and feedback - and ultimately most of us do what we feel is right/best.