At Peace

Mom passed away last night around 10pm.  I feel peaceful and relieved that she is free.  I created a video to show at the memorial service and if you'd like to watch it...click on the photo above.  Thanks for all of your thoughts, prayers and support!

Sending peace, love and joy!

Self-inflicted punishment

Since I last posted on Friday, Mom has gone downhill quickly.  She sleeps most of the time, can barely swallow or talk and has been in pain.  The Nurse gave me liquid morphine to administer and that has helped.  When the Nurse came yesterday (Monday), she said that it's amazing how much she has deteriorated since Thursday.  She thinks she may only have days left and asked if I wanted her to die here or at hospice.  I told her I didn't care.  Later I asked Mom and she said she wasn't sure.  I've made the decision today (Tuesday) to have her transferred.

On Sunday, my younger brother came over and took care of her all day while my husband, son and one of his friends and I went boating.  It was nice to get away.  I gave him a lot of instructions before leaving for her care.  When we returned, before going inside I went on the back deck where she likes to be and found her with a look of helplessness on her face.  She had the fan blowing directly on her and it had cooled off outside.  She was freezing.  I put socks on her and covered her up.  My brother said she had complained about being in pain quite a bit, so without calling me, he cut a time released morphine pill in half, gave that to her at 1:30pm with two percocets and then gave her the same amounts at 7pm just before we arrived home.  You're not supposed to cut time released medicines in half because the medicine is not time released.  After he left I asked my Mom if he took pretty good care of her and she said yes, but he kept making her eat and that upset her.  She can't eat much because of the tumor in her stomach...no wonder she was in pain.

Anyway, yesterday her sister came over and cried a few times.  She said Mom looks horrible.  Much worse than her mother before she went into the hospital 10 days before she passed from cancer.  After she left, I got a chocolate bar and asked Mom if she'd like some and it's the most animated I've seen her in a while.  So she ate half a bar.

Mom said she has asked God for forgiveness of her sins, particularly for having slept with a man while she was married.  To give a little background...my father told me when I was 16 years old that he didn't think my older brother (the alcoholic) was his son.  I've asked my mother a few times through the years if he was (assuring her that I wouldn't pass judgment if she'd made a mistake) and she always said that he was.  I believe, due to her guilt, that she has allowed him to control her entire life and felt that she deserved whatever happened.  I told her that if that was the worst mistake/sin that she has made, then she's a saint.  It's just very sad!

Finding Humor While Patience is Tested

The last few days have been very difficult.  Because of the trauma of being neglected and abused, my mother has needed constant attention.  Every 10 minutes during the day she needs something…her feet down, more ice chips, a mirror, something to eat, a different pillow, to go to the bathroom (which entails me lifting her, holding her with one arm while pulling down her pants, shifting her body over the porta potty and lowering her),  etc. etc.   My husband and son help when they can, but my husband wrenched his back the first day.

I bought a medical chair/bed that is a godsend.  She slept in it the 2^nd night since it fully reclines and is on rollers, with side tables.  Because she is on morphine and her body is very weak,  most of the time she smokes a cigarette, she is unsafe with it, nodding off, but very insistent and stubborn about smoking it.  The third night, she wanted a nicotine patch on, since I told her she can’t smoke while I’m sleeping.  Big Mistake!!  It wired her and she didn’t sleep at all.  My son stayed up with her until 2:30, when my husband woke me and said he heard them on the deck.  I went out and took over.  After getting her to bed, she used the call button three more times.  Once, because she was freezing, once to go to the bathroom and then so that I would put her in the roller chair.  The nurse and case manager came over yesterday and gave me some Ativan to help her sleep.  She is sleeping now…12 hours so far.

I now have her in diapers because she was soiling her clothes.  Her bed sores are getting better and since her feet have been elevated, the swelling in her legs/feet is gone.

My patience was severely tested the last couple of days because of the lack of sleep, her buzzing me constantly (once just to ask me what I was doing! urggg), and the manipulation she employs.  My son asked me if having a baby is this difficult, because if it is, he doesn’t want any kids.  I told him that it wasn’t this difficult!

Yesterday, after my mother used the porta potty on the deck, my dog got a hold of one of her feces and was making a meal out of it, while I’m trying to get her back on the chair.  My mother was totally grossed out and I just laughed!  Then an hour later, I come outside and mom is starting to vomit, so I put a plate under her to get sick on.  She drops her false teeth on it and I get to clean it all up!

I called my brother to see if he could help out some, perhaps one day this weekend and he said he and his wife had plans to clean out her mother’s garage as a late Mother’s Day gift, but he’d see what he could do.  I told him I really need some help, that he needs to step up to the plate, and that all of my plans have gone out the window.  He said if I’m going to get crappy about it…I said calmly that I’m not getting crappy….I just need a little help desperately!

I know that everything changes and that things will get better!

God Intersedes

I had decided to kidnap my mother from her abusive situation and had a plan in place, but God interseded.  I called Hospice and told them what I was going to do...the on-call nurse was very supportive and confident with my plan.  She said she'd say a prayer for us.  I called my mother a couple of times yesterday (Monday) and she finally answered about 1:15pm and said she had just called 911 because she was wedged between the dresser and her bed trying to get out of bed to use the bedside potty.  She had been calling my brother on her phone and screaming for him, but he didn't respond.  I told her she was coming to live with me and that R (my husband) and I would be coming to pick her up.  I called the police and they met us there.  It took about 20 minutes to gather up some of her things while the police were there.  In the car on the way home she said that before the paramedics could get there my brother woke up...came in...picked her up and threw her on the bed, saying..."You woke me up, you fucking bitch".  Then proceeded to shake her repeatedly and pinch her.

Since she's been home, I've been attending to her all day and night.  Fixing food, getting her ice chips to suck on, setting up a movie on my I-pad for her to watch outside on the deck, giving her a shower, dispensing her medicine, doing laundry, bandaging her leg that is oozing liquid and other wounds, lifting and carrying her from wheelchair to toilet to shower to bed to toilet, etc.  She's still awake now at 3:30.  We provided her with a walkie talkie to hit a call button when she needs to and she's woken me three times since midnight.  I'm going to go lay down with her until she goes to sleep.  She keeps apologizing for the hardship and I tell her that I love her and want her to be as comfortable as possible and that knowing she was being abused was torture for me.  My husband and son have been helping also.

Death Will Set Her Free

The situation that my mother is in right now is nothing short of appalling!  I feel like I'm living a nightmare right now...but somehow I'm accepting it.  She has deteriorated in the past five days to not being able to walk on her own.  I went over to her apartment on Tuesday to give her a shower and my alcoholic brother started an argument with me.  He kept running up to me with his fist raised and screaming at me to get out of his apartment.  He was within inches of my face and one of his eyes was completely bloodshot...I felt like I was looking into the face of the devil!  I called 911 and the police came.  They couldn't do anything since he didn't hit me.

I called my mother that day at noon to make sure she was awake so I could come and asked her if she'd been out of bed yet.  She said no...that J (the alcoholic brother) was still asleep in the living room.  I asked if she needed to go to the bathroom...she said yes, but that she could wait until I got there.  She called me on the way and said that he had gone out to get them something to eat but she didn't want to ask him to take her to the restroom because he was in a foul mood, cursing and yelling about having to take care of her.   The day before he had taken the phone from Mom when I was speaking with her and was complaining that when he lifts her to place her on the toilet she clings to the wall and that bothers him.  I said, "Why don't you have her go to hospice for five days to give you a break or she can come stay with me."  He said, "I don't need a break and she doesn't want to live with you or go to hospice".

Anyway, when I arrived my brother said, "You know Mom doesn't want to live with you or go to hospice."  I said, "I know...but that could change soon".  He got upset and said he wouldn't allow her to and I said, "Are you her boss?"  He said, "Yes, I am" and that's when he became enraged.  I left right after the police did and my brother said, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass".

I spoke with her Nurse yesterday and filled her in...she said Mom has been telling her some things and that she thought I would be calling.  She set up an aide to come in 3 times a week and yesterday I had my cousin go over.  I found out the social worker, the nurse and my cousin were all there at the same time.  While they were there, my brother stayed in my mom's bedroom and they had to call his cell phone (that my mom pays for) to speak with him...how bizarre is that?  Everyone knows she's being abused...but because she wants it that way...nothing is being done to change it.

They discovered a bedsore on her and told him he needs to make sure she lays on her side some of the time.  He said he can't watch her 24/7.  Mom said she fell out of bed trying to get to the bathroom while he was sleeping yesterday and they had to bandage a sore on her leg.

Now I can't safely go over to see my dying mother and she rarely calls me because he gets upset when she does.  My mother is so co-dependent and worried about being able to smoke when she wants that she's willing to continue the last month of her life in this horrible situation.  This makes me repulsed with both of them and very sad.

I am praying for her quick death!  I know I can't control this...perhaps that is why I'm dealing with it as well as I am.

Peace in the Face of Death

(Photo courtesy of Nat'l Geographic)

As each day goes by, my mother approaches her impending death from Stage IV cancer…with acceptance.  We talk about death and what both of us envision after life will be like.  Although she has rarely gone to Church, she believes in God and Jesus and hopes that she will be with relatives that have already departed.  Her life has been difficult, having grown up very poor, one of eleven children, and having gone through most of life’s greatest stresses…divorce, the chronic illness and death of her second husband and most of her siblings and parents, and many more of life’s disappointments.

I think about what it will be like once she’s gone, when I forget and want to call her on the telephone and realize…she won’t answer.  Grinning, she says, “Once I’m gone, if you feel fingertips brushing your arm, it will be me”.  You see, she’s been the type of mother that would do anything in her power to protect her children, blurring the line between motherly nurturing and co dependence.

She tells me the same story every week of when I was little and looked up from my stroller and said, “Me push Mommy, let me push”, and of how independent I was, even then.

I am proud of the grace that she is showing during this process and realize I am my mother’s daughter.

Final Roadtrip

I'm glad to be home from the trip!  My mother didn't seem to derive much enjoyment from it, other than the warm weather.  She complained about most everything...which is her nature anyway...but I understand that she is depressed and doesn't feel well.  When you're around someone like that for an extended period of time, it seems to suck the life right out of you. 

My younger brother came for a few days and the three of us went to Ft. Myers beach one day, Sanibel Island beach another day, out to eat a couple of times, saw the movie Red Riding Hood, and my brother took her to TJ Maxx to look around.  The nerve neuropathy in her feet was particularly painful and her stomach was starting to hurt periodically, so I was going to take her to an Urgent Care, but they were closed, so we went to the emergency room.  I asked my brother to research where the closest pharmacies were, in case her doctor at home could call something in, but he couldn't across state lines.  My brother stayed at the condo watching basketball.  We were there almost four hours and the doctor prescribed an opiate for her. 

We were driving home about 12 midnight and I called my brother, who was still up to see if he would mind driving to the pharmacy once we returned, to fill the prescription.  He said, "You're driving right by one, why can't you?"  I explained that the hospital told me that there were two 24 hr. pharmacies open, but they were on a different road than where I would be.  He finally agreed to, but we ended up taking a wrong turn and passed by one, so I stopped to fill it.  When we arrived at the condo, I asked my brother if he had started the dishwasher, so we'd have clean dishes for breakfast and he said, "No, but we can start it now, can't we?"  I said, "Yes, you could start it now" and he then went off on me saying that I have an attitude problem, that he didn't appreciate it and couldn't understand what was wrong.  I told him why I seemed to have an attitude problem...that after spending four hours at the emergency room, I didn't think it was too much to ask for him to go to the pharmacy, that was 5 minutes away, so that Mom didn't have to wait in the car for another 10-15 minutes at midnight.  He didn't understand my thinking and said that "I can act like such a bitch" and began opening/closing all of the cupboards in the kitchen looking for the dishwashing detergent, while ranting/raving...saying over and over, "where is the dishwashing detergent" in between telling me how obnoxious I am!  He recently went back to school to get a Masters in counseling and is a licensed therapist....a little scary!  He apologized the next day.

I also have a greater understanding of codependency and the cycle of domestic violence from my week with mom.  She agreed to keep her phone turned off, so that my alcoholic brother couldn't harass her, but she did speak with him twice on the trip.  She has options so that she doesn't need to return to that situation, but she insists on doing so.  Her father abused her mother, her husband abused her and now her son abuses her.  I believe that she needs IT in her life.  By the end, she was quite hateful to me at times and I brought it to her attention.  I asked if I'm the only one she treats like that (other than my alcoholic brother) and she said yes.  I made the point that if she can control it with others, then she can choose to control it with me.  It seems she was going through withdrawals from being treated nicely instead of poorly.  She also apologized to me.

While driving home, she made the comment that she is bitter and resentful that she never had a home and I made the point that many people don't own their homes, the banks do.  And compared to some of the world, she lives like a queen.  She disagrees.  Whenever I talk about being grateful for what we do have, she doesn't like to hear it!

I am so grateful that I have the ability to be grateful!

What son beats his dying mother??

My brother beat my mother today.  She was lying in bed and he hit her on both arms.

She's been waiting for the title of her car to arrive in the mail since she paid it off, so that she could put it in his name before she dies.  She's been calling them because it's been a week since they mailed it.  I called them today and found out they sent it to the wrong address.  I knew my brother would be upset, so I suggested to Mom that while he was sleeping today (since he usually stays up all night), that I could come pick her up so she could spend the night here before we left for Florida tomorrow.  I told her she could smoke in the office,  so she wouldn't get cold outside, but she said she'd wait until tomorrow.  Later in the day, she said when she was trying to tell him that if the title came while we were gone, my younger brother could sign for her since he has a Power of Attorney.  He became enraged and told her she wasn't going anywhere and hit her.

I called my husband and he left work to meet me at her place.  I called the Police, so there wouldn't be any trouble.  They went in with us and one spoke to my Mom and the other to my brother.  My brother said my mother was trying to hit him, so her wounds were from him trying to stop her.  One of the officers asked what she wanted to do.  She said nothing.  I thought they were supposed to arrest someone if they assault another person.  It's unbelievable!  Later, my husband told me that one of the officers told him that he thought my mother took bandages off of her two wounds to make it look like they were fresh!

I feel alone in this!  My younger brother (who is a counselor) doesn't step up to the plate.  When my son heard about it (he was at school), he called the police department and one of the officers said that mom admitted to hitting my brother, that's why they didn't take him in.  I heard her say she was kicking at him to get him to stop.

Picture this....a 105 lb. woman dying from cancer (who can barely stand up) hurting a 200 lb. man!!

She's here now.  I am trying not to think about it...I'm too angry!

Comfort

My mother would like to go somewhere warm before she dies, so we'll be leaving in a couple of days to drive down to Ft. Myers, Florida.  A friend has a 2 bed/bath condo that she has graciously offered to us.  We'll split the drive into two days and stop south of Atlanta the first evening.  Mom sleeps a lot, so hopefully she'll sleep for most of the drive.  She's supposed to start a pill form of Chemo that has the least amount of side effects, but she's scared to start it and at best it would prolong her life by perhaps 6-9 months.  My younger brother will probably fly down on Friday and stay until Monday.

My older brother has stopped harassing her, mainly because she paid off her car and will be putting it into his name as soon as the title arrives in the mail.  I'm grateful for many things: that I have time to spend with her before she dies; that we have the opportunity to take her to the beach; and that she's not in pain (other than the nerve neuropathy in her feet)!

I have peace knowing that she is in God's hands and will be free from all things physical...soon!

Trying to retain Peace in the face of Chaos

My mother has been diagnosed with Stage IV Cancer.  She's been losing weight...down to 107 lbs. from 130 a year ago.  A Cat Scan revealed a mass in her esophagus and 5 lumps on/in her liver.  Today she underwent an endoscopy and they took a sample from the mass.  The doctor seemed nervous as he approached to give us the results.  He said he knows its cancer even though they won't have the test results back for a week.  I spoke with the nurse after my mother left with my brother.  She said that I seemed to be taking it well.  I told her that I had already began grieving because I didn't think she would be alive much longer.  She also didn't think mom had much longer to live...perhaps 6 weeks.  Tomorrow she'll get a Pet Scan to see where else the cancer has spread.  She's had a giant aneurysm in her head for a couple of years that hasn't burst yet and 9 months ago she broke both arms in a fall.

The chaos lies within the codependent relationship she has with my brother who is 55 years old and living with her.  He is an alcoholic.  She recently moved from the senior citizen apartment that I found for her, where she allowed my brother to live with her...which was against their rules.  He would come and go from the side entrance to stay hidden.  Some of the residents were complaining that they thought he was living there, so the Manager called me and asked if he was.  Initially, I stayed out of it, but during the time she was in a nursing home for a month after she broke her arm, I called the Manager and told him the truth.  To keep it anonymous, he used the excuse of checking on their cat to enter the apartment and told my brother he had to leave.  My brother stayed with his only friend for a couple of nights, then my mother gave him money to stay in a cheap hotel for a couple of weeks.  During this time, he found a job through a temp agency and he kept the job until they let people go right after Christmas.

 The good that came from this was that he now knows he can get a job on his own!  Mom found a way to get him back in her apartment.  She had her doctor send a form to the Apt. Manager stating that she needed around the clock care and it would come from him.  Unfortunately, he reverted back to his old ways after the job ended and began sleeping most of the day and staying up at night.  This meant my mother had to creep around quietly during the day, so that he wouldn't yell at her.  After her arms healed sufficiently, the Manager gave my brother one day to move out again.  So, my mother made the decision to find an apartment, that she can't afford, so that he could live with her.  He wouldn't let my other brother or me help her move, so she did most of the work (packing/unpacking) herself.

He continues to emotionally/mentally abuse her, mostly by yelling/complaining about me to her.  He is resentful that when my father passed away in 2006, he only received a small monetary amount compared to myself and my brother.  Why he blames me for this...who knows.  He'll call her names, "whore", "cunt", etc.  Even now that she is dying...he continues to harrass her.  Filling out forms at the doctor's office, one of the questions was, "Are you experiencing depression".  She said, "Oh, Yes".  I picked her up to spend the weekend with me, took her out for lunch, gave her a jacuzzi bath, a massage and tried to get her to eat/drink healthy foods.  I bought her two new pairs of pants and a shirt, since she's lost weight.  I asked her if she was afraid of dying.  She said kind of, but also not really.  She believes in God and our spirits living.

I arranged for a family reunion at my house on Saturday.  We had about 30 people come.  My husband taught people to shoot his new bow/arrow, gave people a ride on his tractor and everyone enjoyed spending time with Mom.  My thoughts were, why wait until someone dies to get together at the funeral!

My brother called my Mom Sat. morning drunk.  He woke her up and started in on her.  He'll say things like, "Once you die, I know Sherry will take your car."  She has a Will leaving him everything (which has dwindled to nothing but her car).  It made me feel depressed and saddened that there can be such dysfunction in the world.  It brought back memories of the year she lived with me in 2009, when the two of them would constantly be on the phone yelling at each other.  I feel guilty for hoping that she dies soon, so that IT will go away!

During one of the three phone conversations they had in one hour on Saturday, I asked her to hand me the phone, so that I could talk to him.  I asked him why he hates me so much.  We talked for about 10 minutes and I remained calm.  I said, "Do you really want to make her miserable for the remaining months that she'll be alive".  We talked about a lot of issues and I hope it will keep him from abusing her as much.  I realize my mother perpetuates some of this insanity.  She told me on Sunday that when she got home, she was going to tell him what a good time she had and how she was treated like a queen.  She has a hate/love relationship with my brother.  I asked her to not do that, because it would just antagonize him and make him more jealous of me and my attentions towards her.

p.s.  My son has around 19 months clean now (from drugs...he still drinks occasionally) and is doing well in college...he has finals this week.  He just got his full driver's license back and will be released from the program he's been in for over a year very soon.

Smoke Another One!

You're probably wondering what this post will be about.  It's about me having a revelation today concerning my relationship with my mother.  I had a meeting with the staff at her nursing home today - and my mother was part of it.  Basically, everyone is fed up with her...they didn't tell her, but after that meeting I spoke with the Director and the Social Worker and talked a while longer.  The Director said she almost turned my mother away the day she came in because she is so difficult to deal with.  She's uncooperative with physical therapy...is constantly walking outside to smoke and complains she's too tired for therapy.  She complains constantly...about everything!

I have brought her home to give her a shower once and gave her a shower at the nursing home once because she doesn't want them to.  The entire time I'm with her...which has been every day for 1-4 hours a day...she complains.  She's manipulative and disrespectful.  She'll turn on the charm...when necessary though.  I've always known these things about her...but was in denial about how disruptive she really is and about how abusive she's been to me.  Through the years I've made excuses for her behavior...but I'm running out!

It's time for me to set boundaries!  It's difficult though when you feel guilty because you feel like you're not being a good daughter if you don't jump and especially now that she's got two broken arms.  But she sure can walk outside to smoke...lots!

After speaking with the Director and Social Worker they opened my eyes to how she works me.  They think she has a mental problem.  I asked them if it would be wrong to go 3 days before I saw her...they said, "You don't have to see her at all while she's here...if you don't want to."  WOW.  It would take me too long to try to give enough examples to paint the full picture...so I don't expect anyone to really understand.

By the way...the "Smoke Another One" pertains really to me - because I struggle with stopping my cigarette habit and think that this is one more piece of the picture that will help me to heal from my past and STOP smoking!

P.S.  Relating to my last post...my brother spent two nights with a friend and then my mother gave him $100 yesterday for a hotel for a few nights...even though he has been contacted by my cousin to help him find housing.

Does this have my name on it?

As I mentioned in my last post my mother broke both of her arms and is in a nursing home for the next 3 to 4 weeks.  She lives in a subsidized retirement apartment and my older brother who is an alcoholic has been living with her there for the past six months.  She sneaks him in and out the side door but other residents have complained to the Manager that they think he is living there.  The Manager called me over a month ago and asked me if he was and I said that I'm not in contact with him and didn't want to get involved.

My mother enables him and is co-dependent.  She helps him financially, although he receives unemployment...even though she is accumulating a lot of credit card debt, lives on a fixed income and has no means to pay it off.  He is abusive to her...mentally, emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically.  I have called the police once when he locked her out of her previous apartment (when he was drunk) and she admitted to me for the first time that he was grabbing her arms and twisting her skin to the point of bruising her.  The police spoke to him and said if there were any more problems they would take him to jail.

Since he's been living with her he keeps the air conditioner very cold which suits him but freezes my mother who has circulation problems.  Since she has been in the Nursing home for the past few days he won't agree to let anyone come to her apartment to get the things that she needs.  He'll bring a few things at a time for her...but doesn't know what type of clothes she needs that will fit over her splint.  He'll call her and cuss her out on the phone and has control of her car, her purse and her jewelry.  He told her he lost her jewelry and then the next day said he found it.  She is intimidated of him but when my other brother, my cousin or myself talk to her about finding him a shelter to live in...a place that can help him find employment...she says now is not the right time...that it would send him into a nervous breakdown.

He is very jealous of me and my brother mostly because when my father passed away in 2006 he was given much less in the Will.  My father and he hadn't spoken in over 20 years.  He is filled with hatred and anger.

I've talked with a few people about me calling the Manager and reporting him and then my cousin and her husband could help him with a list of the places he could go.  My cousin said she would call the Manager, because she feels someone needs to get involved.  I know my brother would immediately call my mother and upset her to the extreme.

I grapple with this decision because she is an adult and makes her own decisions.  At the same time, I know that if I was walking by someone who was being physically abused, I would get involved to help.  My husband and son think I should call or let my Cousin call.  Initially, my Mother was going to refuse to go to the Nursing home and just return back home and let him take care of her...although he sleeps most of the day.  In one breath she complains about him and in the next, she protects him.

I would appreciate any and all comments/thoughts!

My Mother

When my mother was living with me last year, I composed a five page typewritten mini "autobiography" for her. Following the ideas from a website called "Living Legacies", I questioned her extensively and discovered many things about her that I previously wasn't aware of.

When she was born in the early 1930's, there was a mid-wife to herald her birth. She was one of eleven children, born into poverty. Her parents did share-cropping for a few years and life was difficult in the country.

There was no electricity or running water. Coal oil lamps were used and there was an outhouse. They didn’t own a car, so walking was a necessity. A horse and wagon was used to transport their possessions when they moved. The boys were the horsepower to pull the plow for farming!

Rainwater was collected to wash hair and bath time came around once a week. Her mother would cut everyone’s hair when necessary. Although mom was a tall and skinny girl, she chopped wood, carried water from a spring, helped with doing laundry on a washboard, and would knock hens off of their nests, so she could gather their eggs. One of her sisters miled the cows. They had pigs and usually a few dogs and cats.

The boys would sleep together in one bed and the girls in another bed. Mom remembers having to pick dandelions for soup, because they had very little food. There were the cherished memories of her mother making cornbread, fried chicken, milk gravy, chicken & dumplings, bacon, eggs, and homemade blackberry pies.

Mother wore hand-me-down clothing and Grandma would make broom-stick skirts for the girls. When the holidays came, there were peppermint sticks for Christmas and Turkey was a treat for Thanksgiving.  She has fond memories of playing hide-n-seek, swimming in the creek, playing with dolls, and her brothers making homemade toys out of sticks.  They picked berries and shelled walnuts.

Gathered together, sitting on the floor, the children enjoyed listening to radio broadcasts of "The Shadow", "Inner Sanctum" and the "Squeaky Door".

She left home when she was 17 years old and lived with one of her older sisters for a year, before moving to the YWCA. She married my father in her early 20's.

Life was difficult for Mom as she was raising her three children, because Dad changed jobs frequently and the lack of money was a constant. She felt frustrated because she couldn’t provide much for her children in the way of clothes or any activities that required money. There were no family vacations, except for camping.

Dad and Mom owned a Deli for a while, and Mother worked behind the counter, while Dad grew his beard long and traveled through Amish villages, purchasing meats and cheeses from them.

Mother’s next job was laundering napkins at a restaurant/nightclub. I had left home at this point and was in the military.

Dad began drinking while we were still children and there was much turmoil through the years. They ultimately divorced in 1981 and Mother moved to a small apartment. She met her next husband shortly thereafter and remarried in 1983.

For the past 20 years she was an Apartment Complex Manager and her husband was the Maintenance Man there. She has fond memories of her years with him, before he died in 2001. They went fishing, had picnics and grilled out, went to dinner with her sisters, had friends that lived in the apartment complex and enjoyed many good times with them.

Beginning around 1995, Mother had a ghost that would harass her every night in the apartment that she and her husband lived in, until she moved out in 2008. She had a team of paranormal investigators spend the night once and they recorded activity.

In November, 2008, Mother was informed that she has a giant aneurysm at the base of her skull and they don’t want to operate on it. She was in a nursing home and not doing well, so I quit my job and she moved in to my home so that I could take care of her. She improved rapidly and a year later she moved into a senior citizen apartment nearby.

The following are some of mother’s thoughts, beliefs and opinions:

• She believes in God, heaven and hell.

• If she could have three wishes they would be to own a small compact house, that my older brother would stop drinking and that her aneurysm would disappear.

• Her advice to young people is: To live life without drinking too much and without anger.

• Her advice to married people is: To love one another like you would love yourself.

• She is sometimes afraid of the thought of death and other times, not.

• Her greatest challenge in life has been her oldest son, because he has been mean and angry with her for most of his life.

• The most generous thing she’s ever done is: sacrificing many of her wants/needs/money in trying to change her son into a loving son.

• The meaning of life to her is: It is what you make it. God gave us life to see what kind of individuals we would be on earth.

Freedom

My husband and I attended a new Church today. “Freedom” was the message. The pastor said, “Total freedom means living completely, fearlessly, passionately and joyfully regardless of your circumstances, not because of them.”


Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom. *2Corinthians 3:17

When you have an addicted child that is homeless, in jail, stealing, dealing drugs, and worse, you wonder, how can I live fearlessly and joyfully? Some moments or days are harder than others, but if we can accept where we are at the moment with our feelings and release the struggle, we’re growing!

Although I have moments almost every day that I cry...from reading something sad on one of the blogs, thinking about the past, or seeing the pain in my son's eyes when I visit him, I am taking action towards recovery.  I've written a list of short term and long term goals, tell myself out loud..."I love you", have started attending Church again, starting Naranon meetings again, etc.

I woke up this morning with the thoughts of "compassion" on my mind...and that was the topic of Peggy's post at http://peglud.wordpress.com/ today!  If you've been following my blog, you'll remember me mentioning that my oldest brother is an alcholic and my mother is his enabler.  His unemployment ran out and he'll be moving into my mother's one bedroom, senior citizen apartment at the end of this month.  He has already sold his furniture.

He hasn't been looking for a job and my mother isn't allowed to have anyone live with her...we're fearful that she may be "kicked out" if they find out.  I've been talking to my husband about how difficult it is to have compassion for him...especially since he has emotionally abused her...and physcially in the past...for years.  I will always lend a helping hand to someone who will help themselves.  I researched homeless shelters in the area and armed her with some phone numbers...just in case she could muster up the courage to force him to "fend for himself", because once she is gone, most likely that is what will happen.

Gratitude for today...

My son is safe and sober
My ability to forgive myself and others easily
The absence of fear

Peace, love and prayers of freedom and compassion for all of us!!

Goodby for Now

I leave tomorrow for my trip.  I can't remember if I mentioned how long the travel time is.  It will take me about 32 hours from the time I leave my house until I get to the hotel.  Since I have restless leg syndrome and periodic limb movement disorder, air travel is very difficult for me.  I'm not complaining though, I feel very blessed to be able to see some of SE Asia.  My flight is 3 legs, first LA, then Taiwan, then Bangkok.  On the way back, it leaves from Hanoi, to Japan, Detroit, then home.

I wanted to tell everyone "Merry Christmas" and I hope and pray all of you and your children have a blessed month!


My husband and I went to see J yesterday in jail and he seemed to be doing fine.  His attitude is good and he looks well.  After the visit, my husband said he still looks so young, like a boy.  After I first called the police to take J, I went through a few weeks of torture.  I didn't feel that I deserved to be happy.  This family of hurting parents helped me to realize that for J to get well, I needed to heal also.  I wanted to thank all of you for helping me!


An update on everything else:  my roommate is working out well - she stays to herself downstairs when she is here.  Here are a few pics of the downstairs of our home, which she has pretty much to herself:

 

I don't see my mother much since my brother is over there all of the time.  He gets upset if she calls me especially, so she'll call me from the laundry room (pretty dysfunctional).  I've learned to accept that situation a long time ago.


I packed J a box of clothes/toiletry items for my husband to mail to him once he is transferred, which he's hoping is Thursday.  The rehab doesn't allow you to bring items, you have to mail them.


Gratitude:


J is safe and sober
My husband loves me

Never A Dull Moment & the Issue of Control

My mother got home from doing a little shopping and the front end of her bumper was crushed. She said that she was at a stop light and the lady in front of her hit her??? Mom said she had her car in park because she was getting sick again (vomiting - which I later cleaned up). She had a few versions of her story (inconsistencies) and that the other driver said they had called the police. Mom decided since she felt sick to just leave the scene.

I was in the process of calling the police when we received a call from the police. They had eye witnesses who said that as Mom was going around this person she hit their rear end. Luckily, they decided not to charge Mom with fleeing the scene of an accident. We've been talking with her for months about how we don't think she is safe to drive (she had another accident about a month ago when she dropped her cigarette and was looking for it and veered off the road and hit a rock).

A bit of humor - my husband joked with her and said they may put her in the "pokie" for leaving the scene.

Remember, she is the enabler for my alcoholic brother and insists on driving to see him. She has a giant aneurysm in her head that creates a balance issue. If I were to take away her keys, she would make everyone's life hell!!

My plan is to take her (in addition to my son) everywhere she wants to go (if she'll let me) until she is accepted into the apartment that she's on the waiting list for.



Below are various thoughts/quotes from individuals on the subject of Control....

• Because we are self-controlling beings, we are also responsible for our actions. This is not a moral or ethical proposition, but simply a causal one: I am responsible for what I do because I am the one who controls my actions. By the same token, to the degree we seek to control the lives and property of others, we help to foster, in their minds, the illusions that they are not responsible for what they do.

• The thing that most people do not understand, is that you get to control the way you feel, because you get to choose the thoughts you think. Most people think that they only have the option of responding to the circumstances that surround them. And that's what makes them attempt the impossible, which is to control the circumstances around them, which only feeds their feeling of frustration and vulnerability, because it doesn't take very much life experience to discover you can't control all of those circumstances. But you can control your vibration. And when you control your vibration, you've controlled everything that has anything to do with you.

• Being happy is the cornerstone of all that you are! Nothing is more important than that you feel good! And you have absolute and utter control about that because you can choose the thought that makes you worry or the thought that makes you happy; the things that thrill you, or the things that worry you. You have the choice in every moment.

• When we can sit in the face of insanity or dislikes and be free from the need to make it different, then we are free.

As I'm having my positive thoughts, I'm off to take a jog...Peace, love and joy to everyone today!!

More Good Qualities & Gratitude

My brother J:

Scared, cautious, concerned, generous, fair, friendly, honest, loyal, proud, sensitive, talkative, and trusting.

My brother C:

Curious, decisive, dependable, diligent, friendly, intelligent, independent, industrious, logical, reliable, skillful, sociable, and talkative.

My roommate:

Affectionate, animated, attentive, charismatic, cheerful, clever, compassionate, conscientious, considerate, dependable, dutiful, encouraging, friendly, funny, generous, gentle, helpful, honest, hospitable, imaginative, independent, intelligent, loving, loyal, optimistic, polite, respectful, sensitive, sociable, tolerant, trustworthy, warm-hearted and witty.

My son's girlfriend:

Affectionate, cheerful, compassionate, frank, friendly, funny, helpful, intelligent, loving, loyal, positive, sensitive, sociable, talkative, thoughtful, tolerant, trusting, and witty.

My ex-husband:

Active, ambitious, capable, clever, confident, decisive, dependable, determined, diligent, efficient, energetic, enthusiastic, faithful, funny, independent, industrious, intelligent, persistent, responsible, self-reliant, skillful, sociable, tenacious, and thrifty.

Today I'm thankful for:

1. My son is safe and sober.
2. Modern appliances (i.e. Refrig, stove, micro, coffee pot, telephone, camera, computer,
vacuum cleaner, I-pod, toaster, T.V. etc.)
3. My tempur-pedic mattress, soft sheets and pillows.
4. Artists / artwork.
5. God.

p.s. Had to take my mom to the emergency room last night (throwing up again & weakness) -
they think it's because she doesn't eat when taking her medicine and doesn't eat/drink
enough during the day.

Good News From Court & more background

I drove my son to Court today for the case that started back in March and the Judge granted a continuance until November to see what the outcome from the newest charges will be once we go to court in October. She wants him to continue with going to the twice weekly 1 hr. class, random drug screens and AA/NA meetings until then. I asked my son if he was nervous and he said no, that he's getting used to going to court, but that he will be for the newest charge.

I spoke to both of his attorneys in the past week before he "got out of jail" and was surprised by some of their comments. One of them said "he's a f------- drug addict" and the other one said "If he gets in trouble again I should laugh in his face and to definitely not help him". He then said "well I guess not laugh in his face". I do realize that the attorneys and police must feel very discouraged, as we parents do, when they relapse and get quite hardened. I wonder if they would use the same words if it was one of their children?

I am so thankful that I've had the resources (i.e. internet, books, time, personality type) to try to learn more about all of this (i.e. addiction, enabling, co-dependency). Enabling runs in my genes - if they needed a picture on a poster for an enabler, it would be my mother.

More background (this is quite lengthy):

My older brother "JJ" is a 52 yr. old active alcoholic. My younger brother is fine. My childhood was quite messy (dysfunctional). Dad changed jobs a lot and moved us a lot to avoid paying debt. We were poor and therefore throughout our childhood mom would get upset weekly, sit in her bedroom and rant/rave with curse words streaming from her mouth about the injustices and her situation.

My Dad would be downstairs or as far away from her as he could get listening to his ham radio, drinking beer. It was the children who got to listen to her!! There were approximately 4 times from the time I was 6-13 yrs. old that he became physical with her. The police were called and I was very shy from changing schools constantly and worrying that the neighbors could hear everything.

She felt that my father was much harsher on JJ than myself or my younger brother, therefore she protected him to the point of letting him drop out of school in 8th grade at the age of 15 (he failed two grades) and not letting Dad discipline in any way. JJ began drinking/using drugs as a teenager and got caught with marijuana when he was 18 by the police and was sent to jail for 1 month.

My mother recently said "I visited him every day" like it was a badge of honor. My Dad and Mom divorced when I was 22 and JJ was 24. JJ lived with a friend for a few years (21-24) and then then moved back in with my mother and her new husband.

I joined the military at the age of 18 until 22 to get the G.I. bill to attend college and to escape the insanity. I worked full time and went to school at night for 8 years to get my Bachelors degree. I lived in Germany for a couple of years while in the service and was able to travel to quite a few countries. JJ was on social security (for emotional reasons) for about 12 years and then he got a job at the apartment complex where my mother lived/worked as the manager.

I lived in Dallas for 10 years after leaving the military and would come home to visit once a year. I remember JJ would order my Mom around asking for a glass of milk at dinner or a soda while watching T.V. and she always catered to him. He did finally get his own apartment in the complex where she and he worked, but would be over every day for her to cook for him etc. He has very low self esteem, an anger management problem and agoraphobia to some extent. I always knew that JJ verbally abused my mother.

My mother's husband passed away about 8 years ago and approximately 2 years ago my mother called me and said that JJ had locked her out of her apartment so I rushed over and she said that he had been physically assaulting her for quite a long time (perhaps for years - raising his fist while in a rage as though he was going to hit her - twisting the skin on her arms and bruising her). In the past when I would question her about bruises she said it was because her skin was so thin, that she was getting clumsier and bruised easily.

I called the police and they came and questioned my brother but didn't press charges. He is extremely hostile towards me and I haven't seen him at all this year.

Back to the enabling: Since she has moved in with me she handled her own finances once she got better and recently I discovered that she has been almost supporting him because he was terminated a few months after she left her position and was on unemployment. She has gone through all of the money that she had when she moved in.

She continues to get her Social Security and is extremely nervous about his situation. She will stay on the phone with him and let him use every curse word at her to vent his anger and intimidate her (this usually happens about 3-4 times per month). I make suggestions, but I know I can't control the situation.

She says that he is basically handicapped (since he didn't go to H.S., can't look up a number in the phone book or fill out paperwork properly). She is on a waiting list to get her own apartment that she can afford near to me (very nice 1 bedroom - 3 years old).

You can pick your friends, but not your family!

I was going to list the emotions that I have had this past year and then I found this which encompasses everything I have felt.

Plutchik's wheel of emotions

Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions in 2D and 3D models.

Robert Plutchik created a wheel of emotions in 1980 which consisted of 8 basic emotions and 8 advanced emotions each composed of 2 basic ones.^[1]

Basic emotion	Basic opposite
Joy	Sadness
Trust	Disgust
Fear	Anger
Surprise	Anticipation
Sadness	Joy
Disgust	Trust
Anger	Fear
Anticipation	Surprise

Advanced emotion	Composed of...	Advanced opposite
Optimism	Anticipation + Joy	Disappointment
Love	Joy + Acceptance	Remorse
Submission	Acceptance + Fear	Contempt
Awe	Fear + Surprise	Aggressiveness
Disappointment	Surprise + Sadness	Optimism
Remorse	Sadness + Disgust	Love
Contempt	Disgust + Anger	Submission
Aggressiveness	Anger + Anticipation	Awe

So Sad

My son and I had a talk yesterday about the rules and he told me that his girlfriend is the only person that makes him feel good about himself right now. He was ready to live at a friend's house (the 47 yr. old) so that he could be with her. During the conversation I asked him if he would describe himself to me and I gave him an example by describing myself to him, "Energetic, optimistic, hard-worker, compassionate, generous, etc. etc." and I said that I was leaving out any words that would describe issues that I feel I need to work on or "negative". He started by saying "I'm optimistic" and stopped and then he started to cry and said I can't think of anything good about myself. He said he feels depressed and unmotivated (although he did work out some after he got up yesterday.)

I then went on to describe to him the way that I see him, "loyal friend, compassionate, people are drawn to him (including animals), sensitive, very intelligent (he tested in the top 5% of the nation in math), talented (but just not using his talents now) etc."

It was difficult for me because I would think of a word and I realized that was him before the age of 14 so I didn't include those words. I changed the rules and said she could spend the night 2 evenings and come to visit twice a week.

I hope and pray that the rehab and with God's help J will meet the right people and be given the right situations to help him improve his self-esteem. It is sad when someone's own sense of worth is bound so closely with someone else.

I was proud of myself when my husband, J and I went out to get a bite to eat and stopped at Walmart for my husband to look at new tires, my son said he wished he could get a game for his xbox (he didn't ask for it - in fact since he was about 18 he never asks me to buy anything for him)(all of his were taken by the car towing company he thinks) but knew they were too expensive. I thought at first well...maybe I could get it for him...but then I decided NO. My motives were to make him happy and it would make me happy to make him happy.

J was having problems getting through to his girlfriend on the phone and I overheard him talking to a friend that only drinks some (no drugs) about going out to play pool. Right after that my mother was on the front porch and started vomiting and was very weak and dizzy so she agreed to go to Urgent Care and I thought to myself I'll ask J to come to help me with her so that he wouldn't go out with this friend. He agreed readily and almost carried her to the car.

We were gone for about 3 hours - she ended up having a urinary tract infection, slight ear infection and stool accumulation so she is on an antibiodic. He was very helpful and after we arrived back home I heard him telling the friend that he would only go to this one place (restaurant with pool table) and not to a bar. He ended up staying home and his girlfriend came over.

Part of the issue is that I think it would be O.K. for a couple of his friends who only drink come over to visit and not stay late so that he is safer by not driving with anyone and I could convince my husband to change that rule also - but I feel that I'm coming off as wishy washy with my son.

I love getting comments - I am very open to other's suggestions and feedback - and ultimately most of us do what we feel is right/best.