Does this have my name on it?

As I mentioned in my last post my mother broke both of her arms and is in a nursing home for the next 3 to 4 weeks.  She lives in a subsidized retirement apartment and my older brother who is an alcoholic has been living with her there for the past six months.  She sneaks him in and out the side door but other residents have complained to the Manager that they think he is living there.  The Manager called me over a month ago and asked me if he was and I said that I'm not in contact with him and didn't want to get involved.

My mother enables him and is co-dependent.  She helps him financially, although he receives unemployment...even though she is accumulating a lot of credit card debt, lives on a fixed income and has no means to pay it off.  He is abusive to her...mentally, emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically.  I have called the police once when he locked her out of her previous apartment (when he was drunk) and she admitted to me for the first time that he was grabbing her arms and twisting her skin to the point of bruising her.  The police spoke to him and said if there were any more problems they would take him to jail.

Since he's been living with her he keeps the air conditioner very cold which suits him but freezes my mother who has circulation problems.  Since she has been in the Nursing home for the past few days he won't agree to let anyone come to her apartment to get the things that she needs.  He'll bring a few things at a time for her...but doesn't know what type of clothes she needs that will fit over her splint.  He'll call her and cuss her out on the phone and has control of her car, her purse and her jewelry.  He told her he lost her jewelry and then the next day said he found it.  She is intimidated of him but when my other brother, my cousin or myself talk to her about finding him a shelter to live in...a place that can help him find employment...she says now is not the right time...that it would send him into a nervous breakdown.

He is very jealous of me and my brother mostly because when my father passed away in 2006 he was given much less in the Will.  My father and he hadn't spoken in over 20 years.  He is filled with hatred and anger.

I've talked with a few people about me calling the Manager and reporting him and then my cousin and her husband could help him with a list of the places he could go.  My cousin said she would call the Manager, because she feels someone needs to get involved.  I know my brother would immediately call my mother and upset her to the extreme.

I grapple with this decision because she is an adult and makes her own decisions.  At the same time, I know that if I was walking by someone who was being physically abused, I would get involved to help.  My husband and son think I should call or let my Cousin call.  Initially, my Mother was going to refuse to go to the Nursing home and just return back home and let him take care of her...although he sleeps most of the day.  In one breath she complains about him and in the next, she protects him.

I would appreciate any and all comments/thoughts!

Good News From Court & more background

I drove my son to Court today for the case that started back in March and the Judge granted a continuance until November to see what the outcome from the newest charges will be once we go to court in October. She wants him to continue with going to the twice weekly 1 hr. class, random drug screens and AA/NA meetings until then. I asked my son if he was nervous and he said no, that he's getting used to going to court, but that he will be for the newest charge.

I spoke to both of his attorneys in the past week before he "got out of jail" and was surprised by some of their comments. One of them said "he's a f------- drug addict" and the other one said "If he gets in trouble again I should laugh in his face and to definitely not help him". He then said "well I guess not laugh in his face". I do realize that the attorneys and police must feel very discouraged, as we parents do, when they relapse and get quite hardened. I wonder if they would use the same words if it was one of their children?

I am so thankful that I've had the resources (i.e. internet, books, time, personality type) to try to learn more about all of this (i.e. addiction, enabling, co-dependency). Enabling runs in my genes - if they needed a picture on a poster for an enabler, it would be my mother.

More background (this is quite lengthy):

My older brother "JJ" is a 52 yr. old active alcoholic. My younger brother is fine. My childhood was quite messy (dysfunctional). Dad changed jobs a lot and moved us a lot to avoid paying debt. We were poor and therefore throughout our childhood mom would get upset weekly, sit in her bedroom and rant/rave with curse words streaming from her mouth about the injustices and her situation.

My Dad would be downstairs or as far away from her as he could get listening to his ham radio, drinking beer. It was the children who got to listen to her!! There were approximately 4 times from the time I was 6-13 yrs. old that he became physical with her. The police were called and I was very shy from changing schools constantly and worrying that the neighbors could hear everything.

She felt that my father was much harsher on JJ than myself or my younger brother, therefore she protected him to the point of letting him drop out of school in 8th grade at the age of 15 (he failed two grades) and not letting Dad discipline in any way. JJ began drinking/using drugs as a teenager and got caught with marijuana when he was 18 by the police and was sent to jail for 1 month.

My mother recently said "I visited him every day" like it was a badge of honor. My Dad and Mom divorced when I was 22 and JJ was 24. JJ lived with a friend for a few years (21-24) and then then moved back in with my mother and her new husband.

I joined the military at the age of 18 until 22 to get the G.I. bill to attend college and to escape the insanity. I worked full time and went to school at night for 8 years to get my Bachelors degree. I lived in Germany for a couple of years while in the service and was able to travel to quite a few countries. JJ was on social security (for emotional reasons) for about 12 years and then he got a job at the apartment complex where my mother lived/worked as the manager.

I lived in Dallas for 10 years after leaving the military and would come home to visit once a year. I remember JJ would order my Mom around asking for a glass of milk at dinner or a soda while watching T.V. and she always catered to him. He did finally get his own apartment in the complex where she and he worked, but would be over every day for her to cook for him etc. He has very low self esteem, an anger management problem and agoraphobia to some extent. I always knew that JJ verbally abused my mother.

My mother's husband passed away about 8 years ago and approximately 2 years ago my mother called me and said that JJ had locked her out of her apartment so I rushed over and she said that he had been physically assaulting her for quite a long time (perhaps for years - raising his fist while in a rage as though he was going to hit her - twisting the skin on her arms and bruising her). In the past when I would question her about bruises she said it was because her skin was so thin, that she was getting clumsier and bruised easily.

I called the police and they came and questioned my brother but didn't press charges. He is extremely hostile towards me and I haven't seen him at all this year.

Back to the enabling: Since she has moved in with me she handled her own finances once she got better and recently I discovered that she has been almost supporting him because he was terminated a few months after she left her position and was on unemployment. She has gone through all of the money that she had when she moved in.

She continues to get her Social Security and is extremely nervous about his situation. She will stay on the phone with him and let him use every curse word at her to vent his anger and intimidate her (this usually happens about 3-4 times per month). I make suggestions, but I know I can't control the situation.

She says that he is basically handicapped (since he didn't go to H.S., can't look up a number in the phone book or fill out paperwork properly). She is on a waiting list to get her own apartment that she can afford near to me (very nice 1 bedroom - 3 years old).

You can pick your friends, but not your family!

I was going to list the emotions that I have had this past year and then I found this which encompasses everything I have felt.

Plutchik's wheel of emotions

Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions in 2D and 3D models.

Robert Plutchik created a wheel of emotions in 1980 which consisted of 8 basic emotions and 8 advanced emotions each composed of 2 basic ones.^[1]

Basic emotion	Basic opposite
Joy	Sadness
Trust	Disgust
Fear	Anger
Surprise	Anticipation
Sadness	Joy
Disgust	Trust
Anger	Fear
Anticipation	Surprise

Advanced emotion	Composed of...	Advanced opposite
Optimism	Anticipation + Joy	Disappointment
Love	Joy + Acceptance	Remorse
Submission	Acceptance + Fear	Contempt
Awe	Fear + Surprise	Aggressiveness
Disappointment	Surprise + Sadness	Optimism
Remorse	Sadness + Disgust	Love
Contempt	Disgust + Anger	Submission
Aggressiveness	Anger + Anticipation	Awe