Death Will Set Her Free

The situation that my mother is in right now is nothing short of appalling!  I feel like I'm living a nightmare right now...but somehow I'm accepting it.  She has deteriorated in the past five days to not being able to walk on her own.  I went over to her apartment on Tuesday to give her a shower and my alcoholic brother started an argument with me.  He kept running up to me with his fist raised and screaming at me to get out of his apartment.  He was within inches of my face and one of his eyes was completely bloodshot...I felt like I was looking into the face of the devil!  I called 911 and the police came.  They couldn't do anything since he didn't hit me.

I called my mother that day at noon to make sure she was awake so I could come and asked her if she'd been out of bed yet.  She said no...that J (the alcoholic brother) was still asleep in the living room.  I asked if she needed to go to the bathroom...she said yes, but that she could wait until I got there.  She called me on the way and said that he had gone out to get them something to eat but she didn't want to ask him to take her to the restroom because he was in a foul mood, cursing and yelling about having to take care of her.   The day before he had taken the phone from Mom when I was speaking with her and was complaining that when he lifts her to place her on the toilet she clings to the wall and that bothers him.  I said, "Why don't you have her go to hospice for five days to give you a break or she can come stay with me."  He said, "I don't need a break and she doesn't want to live with you or go to hospice".

Anyway, when I arrived my brother said, "You know Mom doesn't want to live with you or go to hospice."  I said, "I know...but that could change soon".  He got upset and said he wouldn't allow her to and I said, "Are you her boss?"  He said, "Yes, I am" and that's when he became enraged.  I left right after the police did and my brother said, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass".

I spoke with her Nurse yesterday and filled her in...she said Mom has been telling her some things and that she thought I would be calling.  She set up an aide to come in 3 times a week and yesterday I had my cousin go over.  I found out the social worker, the nurse and my cousin were all there at the same time.  While they were there, my brother stayed in my mom's bedroom and they had to call his cell phone (that my mom pays for) to speak with him...how bizarre is that?  Everyone knows she's being abused...but because she wants it that way...nothing is being done to change it.

They discovered a bedsore on her and told him he needs to make sure she lays on her side some of the time.  He said he can't watch her 24/7.  Mom said she fell out of bed trying to get to the bathroom while he was sleeping yesterday and they had to bandage a sore on her leg.

Now I can't safely go over to see my dying mother and she rarely calls me because he gets upset when she does.  My mother is so co-dependent and worried about being able to smoke when she wants that she's willing to continue the last month of her life in this horrible situation.  This makes me repulsed with both of them and very sad.

I am praying for her quick death!  I know I can't control this...perhaps that is why I'm dealing with it as well as I am.

Final Roadtrip

I'm glad to be home from the trip!  My mother didn't seem to derive much enjoyment from it, other than the warm weather.  She complained about most everything...which is her nature anyway...but I understand that she is depressed and doesn't feel well.  When you're around someone like that for an extended period of time, it seems to suck the life right out of you. 

My younger brother came for a few days and the three of us went to Ft. Myers beach one day, Sanibel Island beach another day, out to eat a couple of times, saw the movie Red Riding Hood, and my brother took her to TJ Maxx to look around.  The nerve neuropathy in her feet was particularly painful and her stomach was starting to hurt periodically, so I was going to take her to an Urgent Care, but they were closed, so we went to the emergency room.  I asked my brother to research where the closest pharmacies were, in case her doctor at home could call something in, but he couldn't across state lines.  My brother stayed at the condo watching basketball.  We were there almost four hours and the doctor prescribed an opiate for her. 

We were driving home about 12 midnight and I called my brother, who was still up to see if he would mind driving to the pharmacy once we returned, to fill the prescription.  He said, "You're driving right by one, why can't you?"  I explained that the hospital told me that there were two 24 hr. pharmacies open, but they were on a different road than where I would be.  He finally agreed to, but we ended up taking a wrong turn and passed by one, so I stopped to fill it.  When we arrived at the condo, I asked my brother if he had started the dishwasher, so we'd have clean dishes for breakfast and he said, "No, but we can start it now, can't we?"  I said, "Yes, you could start it now" and he then went off on me saying that I have an attitude problem, that he didn't appreciate it and couldn't understand what was wrong.  I told him why I seemed to have an attitude problem...that after spending four hours at the emergency room, I didn't think it was too much to ask for him to go to the pharmacy, that was 5 minutes away, so that Mom didn't have to wait in the car for another 10-15 minutes at midnight.  He didn't understand my thinking and said that "I can act like such a bitch" and began opening/closing all of the cupboards in the kitchen looking for the dishwashing detergent, while ranting/raving...saying over and over, "where is the dishwashing detergent" in between telling me how obnoxious I am!  He recently went back to school to get a Masters in counseling and is a licensed therapist....a little scary!  He apologized the next day.

I also have a greater understanding of codependency and the cycle of domestic violence from my week with mom.  She agreed to keep her phone turned off, so that my alcoholic brother couldn't harass her, but she did speak with him twice on the trip.  She has options so that she doesn't need to return to that situation, but she insists on doing so.  Her father abused her mother, her husband abused her and now her son abuses her.  I believe that she needs IT in her life.  By the end, she was quite hateful to me at times and I brought it to her attention.  I asked if I'm the only one she treats like that (other than my alcoholic brother) and she said yes.  I made the point that if she can control it with others, then she can choose to control it with me.  It seems she was going through withdrawals from being treated nicely instead of poorly.  She also apologized to me.

While driving home, she made the comment that she is bitter and resentful that she never had a home and I made the point that many people don't own their homes, the banks do.  And compared to some of the world, she lives like a queen.  She disagrees.  Whenever I talk about being grateful for what we do have, she doesn't like to hear it!

I am so grateful that I have the ability to be grateful!

Does this have my name on it?

As I mentioned in my last post my mother broke both of her arms and is in a nursing home for the next 3 to 4 weeks.  She lives in a subsidized retirement apartment and my older brother who is an alcoholic has been living with her there for the past six months.  She sneaks him in and out the side door but other residents have complained to the Manager that they think he is living there.  The Manager called me over a month ago and asked me if he was and I said that I'm not in contact with him and didn't want to get involved.

My mother enables him and is co-dependent.  She helps him financially, although he receives unemployment...even though she is accumulating a lot of credit card debt, lives on a fixed income and has no means to pay it off.  He is abusive to her...mentally, emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically.  I have called the police once when he locked her out of her previous apartment (when he was drunk) and she admitted to me for the first time that he was grabbing her arms and twisting her skin to the point of bruising her.  The police spoke to him and said if there were any more problems they would take him to jail.

Since he's been living with her he keeps the air conditioner very cold which suits him but freezes my mother who has circulation problems.  Since she has been in the Nursing home for the past few days he won't agree to let anyone come to her apartment to get the things that she needs.  He'll bring a few things at a time for her...but doesn't know what type of clothes she needs that will fit over her splint.  He'll call her and cuss her out on the phone and has control of her car, her purse and her jewelry.  He told her he lost her jewelry and then the next day said he found it.  She is intimidated of him but when my other brother, my cousin or myself talk to her about finding him a shelter to live in...a place that can help him find employment...she says now is not the right time...that it would send him into a nervous breakdown.

He is very jealous of me and my brother mostly because when my father passed away in 2006 he was given much less in the Will.  My father and he hadn't spoken in over 20 years.  He is filled with hatred and anger.

I've talked with a few people about me calling the Manager and reporting him and then my cousin and her husband could help him with a list of the places he could go.  My cousin said she would call the Manager, because she feels someone needs to get involved.  I know my brother would immediately call my mother and upset her to the extreme.

I grapple with this decision because she is an adult and makes her own decisions.  At the same time, I know that if I was walking by someone who was being physically abused, I would get involved to help.  My husband and son think I should call or let my Cousin call.  Initially, my Mother was going to refuse to go to the Nursing home and just return back home and let him take care of her...although he sleeps most of the day.  In one breath she complains about him and in the next, she protects him.

I would appreciate any and all comments/thoughts!

Anger and "In the Middle"

I find myself in the same situation as Garnet at her blog.  A couple of weeks ago I offered to let my son's girlfriend sleep in our guest bedroom one particular evening.  She has been helping to drive him once or twice a week to work or his probation appointment.  I don't remember the particulars from that offer, but he declined at the time.  Last night, J called asking if she could spend the night (in the guest room), because she could pick him up at 1am and take him to his probation appointment today at 1:15pm, followed by work at 2:00pm.

My husband and I have been taking turns picking him up at 1am.  It was planned that J's Aunt was going to take him to work today.  I had forgotten about his probation appt.  My hours aren't flexible this week, because I'm in training.

I put J on hold when he called to run it by my husband.  He said "No, he didn't agree".  So, I tried to explain to J and he got upset.  I am "in the middle" again.  I tried to talk to my husband about it after I hung up from talking with J, but he gets upset if I start questioning him, trying to understand his reasons.  I stay calm.  Each time he gets upset, I interrupt him and ask if we could try to just talk and stay calm.  He makes statements such as "just do what you want", "I'm the bad guy, the "dick" again", "the bottom line is...".

At one point he walks over and standing three feet from my face, spews anger at me.  I don't react.

I wait for a few minutes and tell him I won't put up with that kind of anger being directed at me and that I believe he has an anger problem.  I ask him if he sees the anger.  He says "no".  In the past, he has admitted that he has an anger problem, but has done nothing to work on it.

Through the years, there have been a handful of times that his anger has turned physical with J.  A push, a slap on the chest, picking him up off of the floor to throw him on the couch, etc. and only once with me, jabbing his finger into my chest repeatedly.  I have looked at my part in it, as Garnet said in her post, and can see from his perspective that he feels like I continue questioning him until I get the response I want sometimes.  Like an attorney cross-examining.  I would like to set up my camcorder so that we could replay it and watch ourselves, each time we try to resolve an issue.

He came in the room a few minutes ago and said, "Sorry about last night".  Normally, I say, "O.K.".  This time I said "hmm".  As I write this out, it sounds like "abuse".  I tell myself that he has gotten better.  I had quit smoking again for 4 days until this outburst, and felt the need for one last night.

This makes me sad...I welcome your comments.