Awakening Through Love

Awakening Through Love

Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts

Travel Therapy


The following is an article I'm going to submit for a contest and would like constructive criticism.  The following questions should be answered:

Have you been particularly enlightened, surprised or changed by a travel experience? Why do you travel?


Travel Therapy

My anticipation and excitement mounted as the plane landed in Cairo, Egypt.  Although I had traveled quite extensively in comparison to many Americans and lived in Germany while in the military, this 18-day trip to Egypt and Jordan would be my first encounter with a foreign and exotic culture.  Having left my career earlier that year to take care of my ill mother and with the knowledge that my 21-year-old beautiful, talented and intelligent son was battling the demon of drug addiction, I was eager to lose myself exploring far away lands.  This would be the first of three journeys that I embarked upon in 2009. 

It was easy to forget while squinting my eyes against the bright, penetrating eastern sun to gaze at the immense Pyramids; walking in the footsteps of Moses to the top of Mt. Sinai to witness the sunset; or floating weightless in the Dead Sea.  It was easy to forget as I danced with the Bedouin people of the Wadi Rum desert, in the swirling smoke filled tent, my blood pulsing with the rhythmic beat of their instruments; having my skin rubbed raw in a steam filled Turkish bath house, or losing myself amidst the towering rose colored, carved monuments of the lost city of Petra.

A few weeks later, it was easy to forget while hiking the ancient Inca Trail to the mysterious and sacred city of Machu Picchu, where the spirits dwell among the stone buildings; playing soccer with local Peruvians on an island of the brilliant deep blue Lake Titicaca; and feasting on sweet, moist pancakes prepared over an open fire, as a guest in a local family’s home.

My son was in a court ordered outpatient rehab program, but it wasn’t enough.  Later that year, I found him passed out on the floor of his bedroom and called a crisis hotline.  He spent three months in jail and six months in a lock down rehab and I read everything I could concerning addiction, co-dependence, and enabling.  I started a blog and reached out to other hurting parents and became one of many that received and gave comfort and support.  I prayed for myself, my son, and the other tormented parents and their children.  I wondered how could this happen to us?  How does a straight A, star athlete become a drug addict?  

My final trip was to Thailand, Laos and Vietnam in December.  The elaborate temples, invigorating Thai massages, and an overnight stay on a boat off the shores of Vietnam, within the spectacular seascapes of Halong Bay, were salves for my anguished heart.

I arrived back home on Christmas Eve, having taken the opportunity to “Let go and Let God”, and thereby relinquished any preconceived notion of control over the fate of my precious son.  We weathered the storm and my son is now on the Deans List at a local community college.

Travel provided an escape from the soul wrenching spectacle of addiction, time to heal, the opportunity to see amazing sites, meet new friends, learn about different cultures, and best of all…to empower myself. 

Never give up hope and never stop traveling!




 

The Root of Hope - Ibogaine



I stumbled across a video about Ibogaine...a plant found in Africa and legally used in a variety of countries to treat addiction to heroin (and other opiates), alcoholism, and cocaine. There are quite a few You Tube videos to view related to it. The video has Greg Douglas, formerly with the Steve Miller Band, who after battling a 30 year addiction to heroin, was cured after taking Ibogaine.


Break Time


I'm going to take a break from blogging...well a bigger break than lately.  There is so much going on...closing on my house this week...found another house and will be closing on it later in August.  Interviewing for a job next week.  Packing.  Going to Chicago next Friday for the weekend to pick up a friend from England who has never been to America and is staying with us for 10-12 days.

The new house is on 5 acres...wooded lot...3 bedroom/2 bath ranch...vaulted ceilings and skylights...which I love...and less expensive.  I feel very grateful that my house sold so quickly...having only lived here for 2 years and that we found a house that suits us.

J is very busy.  He reports to two probation officers.  He's enjoying driving again.  He will have been clean from drugs for 1 year next month!

I may paint a picture of "everything's rosy"...but all of us...my son, myself and husband go through our moments of sadness, agitation, irritation, anger, etc., but I'm not one to dwell on the negative...my attitude is one personality characteristic that I'm most grateful for!

Something I've realized through all of this...I thought I was co-dependent and discovered I'm not.  It's difficult to separate normal parent feelings and being a nice person feelings from some of the symptoms of this.

I'll leave you with a few more pictures from Europe...



Flower Peddler in Cannes, France







Portugal





Croatia



Portugal

I'll continue to pray for everyone and read your posts. Thank you to those of you who keep us in your prayers and/or thoughts!






Beauty and My Life


Here are some additional photos from Europe...


Dubrovnik, Croatia



Island of Capri, Italy



On board the cruise at sunset



Segovia, Spain



We found a car for J and bought it Saturday...it's a 1997 with only 67,000 miles on it!  He passed his written and physical driving tests...but the Court messed up and didn't provide the BMV with the correct information concerning J's suspension.  So...after many phone calls, hopefully today they will fax the correct info over to the BMV so that we can get his "interlock" drivers license.  Of course, it's a trial in patience for J...to have a car now and not be able to drive it just yet.

He has another drug test today in between class and work.  Tomorrow he has a probation appt. in between class and work...busy, busy, busy!!

The other day I asked him why he was so quiet...he said the drugs changed his personality.  I asked him if he was being serious...he said "Yes".  I do get him to chuckle and/or smile occasionally...which is great to see!

I'm also being patient concerning the sale of my house and the purchase of another one.  We still haven't heard back about the appraisal from last week and we put an offer down on a foreclosure property that is owned by the bank...to which they replied that there was another offer...so to give our best offer...which we did...now we're waiting.  I haven't packed a thing yet...just going through things gradually...getting together goodwill items and throwing away some.  I'm not a pack rat...but I'm excited about simplifying my life!  For example, I have a paraffin wax warmer for the hands that I haven't used in years...gone now!

I received a call about a job and they'll be calling me later this week for an interview...the timing is great!  I am an event planner/sales manager and I used to work with the Chef from this facility when we were at another venue, so he referred me.

My husband and I went canoeing yesterday...it was fun.

I'm treating myself to a massage today...it's only $30 for 1 hour...it was half price!

Sending peace and love to all of you!!

Good News


In Court today, for the felony charge from a year ago, J received "Treatment in Lieu of Conviction".  He will have 14 days in Rehab for an assessment, then out-patient treatment, which I believe consists of a couple of months of intensive treatment...3 x week...3 hours per day...random drug screens...follow-up treatment that lasts another 9 months.  The attorney that represented him, who has been doing this for 30 years, has never had this situation before, two felonies in two different counties at approximately the same time, and both of them granting "Treatment in Lieu of Conviction". 

I have been praying every day for J, along with about 40 other people, including many of you, and believe that, not only were my prayers answered, but J is one lucky guy!  He'll have to also serve 20 days in rehab for the DUI in May.  He's not sure how this will affect his job, but he is grateful for the outcome.  Since I started my training for the Census Bureau, his step-dad took him today.

His girlfriend is on Suboxone and seems to be on the right track also.  She's still in college part-time and picks him up from work occasionally.  J's work hours changed from 4pm-4am....to....2pm-1am....so my husband went to get him last night and asked why one of the guys at work, who lives near here can't drive him.  J said that the guy smokes pot at work (outside), so he doesn't want to drive with him.  Good thinking!!

Much to be thankful for in our home!!

Much peace, love and joy to everyone!

Goals


I was never one for setting goals...not to say I haven't accomplished quite a few things in my life so far...but I started a list of short term and long term goals a few weeks ago and some of them are:




Attend Church regularly
Read the bible and pray daily
Advance my yoga practice
Attend a weekly Naranon/Alanon meeting
Learn to play the piano
Learn to speak Spanish
Take an Art glass
Learn more about photography
Go on a church mission
Travel to countries in Africa; Argentina, Chile, New Zealand, etc. etc.

I've made progress in the top five, so far!  I understand now why it is important to get them down on paper, because you feel more committed to them and see your progress more easily.

Next, I want to make a bucket list!

Today's gratitude list:

J is safe and sober
The availability of renting free music CD's at the library to download for my I-Pod
The cute cards I found at Target today to send to friends for Easter
My sore muscles from "hot" yoga...it means I'm getting stronger
That I like to spend time with myself

Love, peace and happiness to all of you!

Grief



After having taken a closer look at grief, it occurred to me that as parents of a drug addict, we also go through the 7 stages of grief, as do the addicts themselves…if we allow ourselves to.  Sometimes the stages are overlapping and sometimes when we think we’ve reached the end, we find ourselves immersed back in a previous stage.

Unlike a death, where there is an end, when faced with long term active addiction, then sobriety which usually is the result of a crisis...followed by hope...followed by relapse, it’s apparent that reaching the final stage of acceptance is more difficult.

I will list the stages and relate them to my journey through this process.

Shock

Shock initially is the body/mind's way of saving us from the devastating pain. It numbs our feelings and resembles a living death.

I remember when my son called me at 6am in March of 2008, in a drugged voice, to tell me that he had been charged with a DUI, and had been taking massive quantities of xanax.  Of course I was shocked and continued to be shocked as each new crisis occurred.

Denial

Denial is our mind's attempt to protect us from reality.  This is normal, but if it is prolonged, it prevents recovery, both their's and our's.

I was in denial until some point during the summer of 2009, even after he was charged with a felony drug possession and other misdemeanors that occurred in March of 2009.  Concurrent with this I was dealing with my mother’s serious illness in December of 2008 that resulted in my decision to leave my career, move her in with me so that I could take care of her, and remarrying my ex-husband in January of 2009.

Anger

We are angry with them for the things that they say and do…or don’t say and do, angry with ourselves for what we did not do to save them…or what we did do, or angry with God for allowing this to happen. Anger begins to dissipate when we are able to forgive ourselves and others, create boundaries and stick to them and when we understand that most people will think or even say hurtful things because they are not educated about addiction and may possibly be unhappy with their current set of circumstances.

At first glance, I couldn’t remember much anger, but in retrospect, initially I was angry before I even knew that he was an addict, because he had been given much in life: talent, intellect, love, material things and in return he was lazy, unmotivated, and at times manipulative and disrespectful.  My hopes, dreams and expectations for him were not coming to fruition.

I was angry and feeling very unappreciated after putting my life on hold, to be available to chauffeur him to court, to random drug tests, to court ordered out patient pre-phase drug rehab, to NA meetings, etc. etc., while he was unmotivated to job hunt, help around the house, forging NA meeting attendance slips, etc. etc.  I was angry that I allowed him to manipulate me, show disrespect and vent his anger at me.

I’ve been angry and hurt because others don’t give the support that I need…because they don’t understand. Angry that society and even some of those close to us think that they deserve what they get because as one of my son’s attorneys’s said, “He’s just an f---ing drug addict”!

Bargaining

Where was God in all of this. I’ve done my share of bargaining with God.  I pray for him to be healed.  I try to think positively.  After calling the police in August of 2009 resulting in J going to jail, I felt that I didn’t deserve to be happy.  I would have given up my happiness, if only he would be healed.  I’ll be a better Christian, I’ll read the bible, and I’ll help everyone I can...if only you save my son!

This is where co-dependency enters the picture.  Are we that attached to our child’s well-being that we are willing to deprive ourselves, beat ourselves up emotionally and even die for them?

Guilt

There is a human tendency to blame ourselves when something happens to a loved one.  We take some degree of responsibility for our child’s welfare.  We question ourselves for a period of time and this is normal, but I believe this is where many parents get stuck and with that realization, we can move through this stage towards healing.

Guilt continued to reappear occasionally and as I said in my last post, I would think about every event, word or “mistake”, as it applies to me or others in my son’s life to make sense of things.  Much of my guilt related to the denial that I went through, which ultimately prolonged the enabling that I was participating in.

Depression (aka “Pain and Sorrow”)

Pain and sorrow are the core feelings of grief and usually are evident throughout all of the stages.  We need to experience the pain and sorrow fully to be capable of moving on and until we’ve comes to terms with the previous stages, we’re not able to feel the full intensity of the pain and sorrow.

When we struggle against the stages, they become more powerful and take longer to work through.

I usually cry every day for a few minutes. When I was younger I used to think that crying was a form of weakness and very rarely cried. I’ve cried more in the past six months than at any other time. I believe that this is important for my recovery.

Acceptance

Once we’ve worked through the other stages, and the pain and sorrow is not as intense as it was, we accept the reality of the situation and feel a sense of “letting go”.  This is the “detach with love” phase.  We may feel that we are fine for a while and then fear takes over our thoughts when a relapse occurs, or if we haven’t seen our child or know where they are at, or smaller fears when we worry that what we say or do may trigger a relapse.

Taking care of ourselves” throughout the stages is important for recovery.  If we don’t feel well physically, it’s more difficult to heal emotionally.  We’ve all heard it: exercise, eat healthy, get enough rest; nurture ourselves with small treats, i.e. massage, manicure, lunch with a friend, a concert, and of course Naranon/Alanon, reading, blogging, therapy etc.


The most important piece to our recovery is to have a spiritual foundation, a place within you where there is peace and security.  This takes different forms for everyone.  Some of the stages of grieving, particularly anger, take you away from your feelings of love, but in order to “let go”, we need to keep our focus on love which forces us to face the pain, but ultimately sets us free!

Artwork from: http://www.musicfolio.com/modernrock/thewounded_art.jpg
http://www.all-love.com/g1/alllove/appdata/hp/admin/heavenandearth7.gif

Naranon topic of "Anger"



"Anger" was the topic at last night's Naranon meeting.  There were about 20 people in attendance.  I had been twice before months ago. 

We went around the room sharing how anger has affected our lives.  A lot of the people remember being angry when their addict stole from them. 

A few have memories of much anger directed at them from the addict. 

Some were angry at themselves for not maintaining their boundaries. 

Another lady (there with her daughter) said she's given up hope that things will ever change with her ex-husband and she was angry for her daughter

Most of the people gave a short description of who their addict was (i.e., child, spouse) and some gave a little background.

I tried to give the topic some thought, while listening to everyone and when my turn came around, I said that I usually expressed my anger in the form of impatience or irritation, related to my addict.  I mentioned that I had called the police after finding him OD'd on the bedroom floor, having been guided by the Crisis Hotline and that he was currently in "lockdown rehab" after having been in jail.  I was the only one who got a little teary eyed.  I think I'm still working through "guilt", even though it's not logical (I'll save that for another post)!

Forty minutes into the hour long meeting, a couple arrived and the woman looked "shell-shocked". They spoke last and the man said he was a recovering drug addict and was there for his wife. He asked if the next time, he could speak and share some of his story thinking that it may be of help to us. The facilitator said he could so long as he didn't share from AA or NA.


After the meeting, I talked briefly with the lady and her friend sitting next to me and she gave me more background about her situation.  I told her that my son had never stolen from me, so perhaps that's why I didn't feel more anger.  She said her daughter didn't in the beginning either.  She's been dealing with this for 10 years and has a grandchild living with her addict daughter and addict son-in-law.  Based on some other things she said, I left the meeting feeling anxious.

Because I grew up in a home where "anger" was the main emotion, I wonder how it has impacted me.  I have always been able to show anger at boyfriends and husbands (have had two of them).  My first husband has an anger management problem and my current husband also has those tendencies.  I think we are drawn to familiar personalities/situations. 

I didn't want my son to grow up in an anger filled home, so I made a conscious decision to not have heated "communication" in front of him.  That doesn't mean we didn't "bicker" or have "disagreements" because I think it's healthy to let children see that you can disagree and hopefully have a resolution.  What's important is that you "fight fair", i.e. no name calling, belittling, sarcasm, yelling, violence...

My husband also grew up in a home with "anger" and recently realized that he plays the role of the peacekeeper sometimes.  If we are "communicating" and we're both angry, he wants to end the conversation.  Issues don't get resolved, unless you agree to bring it up later, which wouldn't happen most of the time.  This is definitely "therapy territory"!!  The good news - we've come a long way in the past 15 years!

A bit of humor...more drugs....Alanon


My son's birthday was in December and after it had passed, my mother asked me if the "lockdown rehab" had a birthday party for him...when I shared this with my son he had a good laugh!!

In yoga class yesterday, the owner of the facility mentioned to the class that she knows that her 17 year old son is smoking pot and that she's not stupid because she used to smoke it when she was younger.  She lives in the most affluent section of our City and told us that there had been a drug bust at the home of one her son's friends.  She shared that they found "oxycontin" among other drugs.  All I said was that it was an epedemic.

I went to my first Alanon meeting Tuesday evening...I had been to a few Naranon meetings months ago.  There were about 12 people in attendance and the topic was grief.  The facilitator spoke for a while about her grandmother having passed away 10 days earlier and then about 5 other people that she didn't know, but were either family or friends of co-workers who had also passed.  There was a man there who was a bit obnoxious and initially I was thinking, "what am I doing here - I prefer to read my blogger friends' thoughts and inspiration", but when I left I realized that I learned more about myself during that hour.  I learned to not make assumptions, to have more compassion, and that there are connections to thoughts and feelings that at first aren't apparent.

I've always felt that I was consistently good and nice to people.  In Melody Beattie's Book, "Beyond Codependency", she addresses the issue of why then do we feel that many people don't treat us the same way.  She explained that people treat us how we are acting towards ourselves.  If you consistently put other people's needs before yours, this is what is reflected back to you.  If you are always protecting other people's feelings rather than honoring yours, others will disregard your feelings as well.  "Relationships are a mirror for our internal life". 

This really rang a bell for me!

Peace, love and joy to all of you today!

Freedom


My husband and I attended a new Church today. “Freedom” was the message. The pastor said, “Total freedom means living completely, fearlessly, passionately and joyfully regardless of your circumstances, not because of them.”


Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom. *2Corinthians 3:17

When you have an addicted child that is homeless, in jail, stealing, dealing drugs, and worse, you wonder, how can I live fearlessly and joyfully? Some moments or days are harder than others, but if we can accept where we are at the moment with our feelings and release the struggle, we’re growing!

Although I have moments almost every day that I cry...from reading something sad on one of the blogs, thinking about the past, or seeing the pain in my son's eyes when I visit him, I am taking action towards recovery.  I've written a list of short term and long term goals, tell myself out loud..."I love you", have started attending Church again, starting Naranon meetings again, etc.



I woke up this morning with the thoughts of "compassion" on my mind...and that was the topic of Peggy's post at http://peglud.wordpress.com/ today!  If you've been following my blog, you'll remember me mentioning that my oldest brother is an alcholic and my mother is his enabler.  His unemployment ran out and he'll be moving into my mother's one bedroom, senior citizen apartment at the end of this month.  He has already sold his furniture.

He hasn't been looking for a job and my mother isn't allowed to have anyone live with her...we're fearful that she may be "kicked out" if they find out.  I've been talking to my husband about how difficult it is to have compassion for him...especially since he has emotionally abused her...and physcially in the past...for years.  I will always lend a helping hand to someone who will help themselves.  I researched homeless shelters in the area and armed her with some phone numbers...just in case she could muster up the courage to force him to "fend for himself", because once she is gone, most likely that is what will happen.

Gratitude for today...

My son is safe and sober
My ability to forgive myself and others easily
The absence of fear

Peace, love and prayers of freedom and compassion for all of us!!

Breaking Free


I feel that I am making progress in my recovery from co-dependency.  I'm reading Melody Beattie's book, "Beyond Codependency".

I know that I am making progress in my recovery based on the way that I handled a phone call last night from my son (a summary of it is below).  Normally, I would have done what he asked.  I’m recognizing my past pattern of allowing him to manipulate me through guilt and my sense of “what is fair” etc.


J called and we made small talk for a minute. I inquired if his gf was coming Wed. for visitation because we were going to alternate visits. To be able to visit you have to fill out a form and either mail it in or bring it in. You also have to attend an orientation.  Every week there has been an excuse from her to him about both requirements.

He said it was complicated – that the people at the rehab were being rude to her and that they said they haven’t received her paperwork to clear her for visits.  J says since he was allowed to have a visitor right before Christmas (when I was out of the country and he had her come to visit) and they didn’t require the person to have attended orientation for that visit, that she may still be allowed in.

I said I would come Wed. to visit also, if he’d like me to, and he asked me to call her and talk to her about it.  I said I didn’t need to because both of us could visit – he’s allowed two visitors. He said call her anyway, because something might go wrong and she wouldn’t be able to get in and “Couldn’t I do just that one thing for him” and I said “No”.  I said I didn’t need to because if she was late – she wouldn’t be allowed in and if she was on time (and they cleared her), she would.  He said, “Is there anything else you want to talk about?” and I said “well, I guess not”.  He said he’d see me Wed. and I asked him if he still wanted me to come.  He said, “If you want to.”  I could tell he was angry.

Gratitude for today...

J is safe and sober
I don't have to travel in the foot of snow today
I'm beginning to stop second guessing everything I say to J
I can have compassion for my son but not have to fix it for him
Instead of trying to comfort J with the words "Remember, I'm always here for you", I can
  substitute them with "Remember, God is always here for you"!

Peace and love to everyone today!

Scrambled


I'm feeling a bit scrambled today!  As I was looking for a picture to depict my feelings, I happened upon an interesting article online concerning generalized anxiety disorder (GAD):

Scientists at the Stanford Medical Center recently announced that they might have discovered a new explanation for why GAD has appeared.  That the condition may be caused by scrambled neural connections between regions of the cortex dealing with integrating fear and emotion.  GAD makes people live in a constant state of worry, even over the most ordinary matters. 

I'm feeling a bit of that, but mostly unmotivated, isolated and indecisive.  I went to see the therapist Friday because she had a cancellation.  She wanted more background about my childhood and life.  At the end, she suggested that I read a book called, "Adult Children of Alcoholics".  I had told her that my father used to drink beer every day.  I wasn't sure how much and he never appeared drunk.  Anyway, it seems that years ago I had briefly glanced at that book wondering myself if he was an alcoholic.  I went to Half Price Books and couldn't find it, so instead bought, Melody Beattie's, "Beyond Codependency".  I'll get that one next.

I think a lot of my scrambledness is stemming from problems with my marital relationship and not being able to pinpoint which direction to go career wise.  I know that some of that is because I don't want to be in a job that won't allow me to help J when he is released to the extent that I should and can.  I know that he got himself into this, but as long as he is committed to recovery, I want to help initially with getting settled and with transportation.

J called me Friday and was very anxious trying to plan everything for when he is released.  He asked my opinion on a few things and at the end of the conversation, I reassured him that there are people that can help him with transportation, family and friends and that I would be here for him.  I realized after hanging up that what he was saying to me was that he wants to be responsible for himself and doesn't want to rely on others.  He's always been very independent.  He said if he misses one probation appointment, they can send him to prison. 

Sometimes, I wish I could just sell everything and move away.  I realize that is an option!

Hopefully I didn't sound like I'm whining - I'm grateful for everyone / everything in my life - just one of those days!

Peace, love and joy to all of you and thanks for your comments!

The Visit


My husband and I visited J last night.  It was great to get to hug and kiss him after waiting 4 months.  He looked great - he's gained almost 20 lbs.  I spoke with his case manager yesterday before the visit and she was very helpful and nice.  She said J was doing very well with his classes and she has noticed a change in him from when he first arrived.  He's opening up more.  She said he has asked her a number of times about going back to college.

Anyway, I had mentioned to him on the phone on Sunday that I wasn't sure he would be able to come live at home when he was released.  For one thing, we're not on a bus line.  He said he could ride one of our bikes to the bus stop which is miles away by way of  a very dangerous, winding road.  I told him we had time to make a decision about that.  So, last night we talked about that more.  I asked him if his father does give him the $13,000 when he is released, what his plans for it would be.  He said he would pay off half of his credit card debt and that he thinks he needs to make it on his own.  Just stay here for the first couple of weeks and then move to an apartment.  That he needs to stay busy.  I asked if a large sum of money would be a trigger for him and he said no.  He said that looking back he realizes that when he would go out spending a lot of money on a new phone, clothes, xbox, etc. was a trigger.

He thinks he can get the job back working for his friend's cousin that he had when this happened.  He was working 2nd shift 2pm-2am, but there is no bus that goes there. 

We talked briefly about drugs and he said that he was doing well before the last month of trouble - that he had been clean for 3 months and then he decided one day to try it again and see if it was like it was in the beginning.  He said it was, so he decided to try it the next day to see if it was still good and it was, so the third day he tried it and he didn't get high.  I didn't asked him what he tried, but it seems clear that he made a conscious decision to get high.  I asked if he had any cravings and he said only for cigarettes.  I reminded him that I had quit about 9 weeks ago now and he said "Oh yeah - I forgot - that's great!"  A little self-absorbed - wouldn't you say!

I asked him if he feels anxious or depressed.  He said that he's not happy all of the time and I said that no one is.  He said if he had to lean one way or the other, he'd say that yes he probably has a problem, but that he wouldn't want to take any medicine.  I mentioned that I went to a therapist and that now I have found another one that I'll be seeing Monday and that she could see him also when he gets out if he wants to.  He said he really didn't want to, but that if I wanted him to then he would.  The new therapist asked me if his mental health has been evaluated and I said no.  She said that usually people don't become addicts unless there is some type of mental health issue also.

I also asked him if he thinks I did the right thing calling the police and he said yes!  I am still traumatized by that and feel that the therapist can help me work through it.

J and his step dad joked around and talked about sports, etc.  It was nice to see J smile!

It was a good visit and he is definitely getting better.  I liked that he realized that he needs to stay busy and make it on his own.  I also realize that we're just beginning - when he is faced with life on the outside - that's the true test!

Gratitude:

J is safe and sober
The sun is shining this morning
My coffee tastes good

Peace and blessings to everyone!!

Vacation and Therapy



We returned late Saturday evening from our trip to Dominican Republic.  I felt a little guilty going since it is only 250 miles from the terrible suffering of the Haitian people.  I did do the texting thing to contribute monetarily though.  Anyway, the trip was very relaxing.  The resort was an all-inclusive (including airfare, hotel, food, alcohol, airport transfers) and there were 8 restaurants, two pools and it was on the beach.  That is a picture from our room.

The weather was beautiful - 85 degs.  Every day was pretty much the same.  My husband would go down to the beach and put our towels on a couple of loungers under a thatched roof.  If you got down after 9am, there weren't any left.

We would then go jogging on the beach - head back to the room for a quick shower - on to breakfast  - down to the beach to lay out and I would usually read and/or people watch and take a daily walk on the beach.  There are a mixture of European, Russian, Canadian, and American people that go there.  Women are allowed to go topless, although not too many do.  My husband and I would hold hands while walking and if one of us spotted someone, we'd squeeze the other's hand.  It was a fun game for him!

As far as the therapist goes, I saw him right before we left for the trip and most of the hour was spent with me giving him background on the trouble that J's gotten into through the last few years.  My initial impression of him was that he thinks very highly of himself and his knowledge.  In so many words, at one point, he said that since he's been doing this for 30 years that he knows everything.  At that point, I told him that how I have been handling and intend to continue handling this situation is to research via internet, read books, continue with my blog and reading as many other's as I can, to find either an al-anon or naranon group and also to talk to a therapist and to take from each what resonates with me, because I don't think any one person or source has all of the answers.  I think he got my point.

I have had experience with 2 therapists during my first marriage for marital counseling and 1 therapist during the early stages of marriage to my current husband and I took my son when he was 6 years old to a psychologist for 1 year when he was 6 years old because my ex-husband was trying to obtain custody during that period.  Generally, I feel that talking with close friends has been the best therapy for me.

Last night my husband and I went to see this therapist again and I'm still not sure about whether we click.  At one point I started to tear up and he asked me what I was feeling.  I told him sadness and asked "Wouldn't you be sad if your child had just gotten out of jail, was in rehab, and a drug addict."  He didn't answer me, but continued to stare at me, so I just stared back.  Finally, he said "I get the impression that you don't have a problem being assertive with people in general, except for 1" (meaning my son) and I said that I didn't.  I tried to explain that I am assertive with J, but I am compassionate also.  It is only $20 per session to see him through insurance, but I'm thinking about seeing a lady psychologist who is not covered through our insurance, but she said she would only charge $70 per session (which is still a lot), but she is a psychologist who specializes in addiction and the other therapist is a social worker/counselor.

Gratitude:

J is safe and sober
We finally get to see J Wednesday evening for an hour
I have another job interview next week

P.S.  I've read everyone's blogs, but just haven't had time to comment yet!

Contraband





J called yesterday and immediately I was on alert because the usual recording, "This is a call from an inmate etc." didn't play and he said he was calling from his case manager's desk.  He started his conversation by saying that the rehab had done a search and found food in his and 27 other "resident's" lockers.  Since that is against the rules, he can't make any phone calls for 1 week, no visitors for 2 weeks, and has to wear an orange jumpsuit for 1 week.  He asked me to call his girlfriend and let her know - I said I would.

I don't get it - he's allowed to have 2nd helpings of food and he has to break that rule!  At first, when he said a search I was thinking the worst - they found drugs.  When I told my husband he was angry at first and then he was joking about it - Mommy I got caught with snacks and now I have to wear this ugly jumpsuit - boo hoo!!

The phone call to his girlfriend was enlightening.  When I mentioned J messing up with the paperwork for our visit, she said, "He complains about being bored - but can't get the paperwork to you on time - I guess he's playing too much ping pong - he told me to just wait until he's out - he'll beat me at ping pong!" 

She also mentioned that she saw him right before Christmas for 2 hours, which I knew nothing about.  She said at the last minute they were allowed to have someone visit for Christmas and the person didn't have to fill out any paperwork.  Now it makes since as to why he wanted his step-father and I to visit rather than his girlfriend and I.  I'm assuming the visit was before I arrived home from my trip Christmas Eve.

She went on to say that the last time she drank was New Year's Eve and that even though J has told her that she can drink - smoke pot - and he won't, that she told him that he's more important to her than doing those things.  She said she gets the impression that he may still want to drink - I told her that he may not have the money for that - since he'll most likely not be living here and will have to support himself.

His father, who lives in Texas, told him that he would give him the money that his grandfather set aside years ago to help J with college, $13,000, when he is released.  He currently has $9,000 in credit card debt.  Oh well, we'll see.

The blinders are gradually being removed from my eyes!  I may have to rename my blog, "Eyes Opened by love for J"!

Upset



J called me Saturday evening to apologize for his paperwork oversight relating to our visit.  He sounded very uptight again, so I asked him how he was feeling.  He said depressed.  He said you don't know what I am going through in here.  The last time we spoke he said his girlfriend's cell phone was turned off (permanently) and he wanted me to call her home phone while he was waiting to see what was going on.  I agreed and she answered.  She said to have him call her father's cell phone.  Anyway, Saturday evening he said he couldn't understand why she didn't call me so that I could let J know the next time I spoke with him.  I hate to see him hurt, so instead of doing the right thing (saying nothing), I said "You can't expect her to wait for you" and at that point he said he didn't want to talk about it. 

He gave me more detail as to what it was like there.   They aren't allowed to go on their bunk bed to read and that the community room is always loud, with the T.V. blaring, and people being paged on the loud speaker constantly.  I know that anxiety/depression runs in my family and I had never thought that J had that problem, but am beginning to realize that it could be a large part of his problem.  Recently, I was thinking his anxiety stemmed from the drug use or lack of drug use, but it may have nothing to do with that.

During our conversation, I tried to make him feel better by reminding him that he gets out at the end of March, but it didn't seem to help.  I feel badly that I contributed to making him feel worse by most likely reinforcing what he was already worried about - his girlfriend not waiting for him.  I also have been thinking about when he does get out - what the right things to say/do are and realized that I need to talk to someone.  Every time I try to talk to my husband about it, he tries to fix it and interrupts me at some point with his opinions etc.  I explain to him that sometimes I just want to vent and have someone listen and perhaps reassure me and he said, "I thought this was a two-way conversation".  He said that J need to hear me say "Buck up and be a man".

I made an appointment with a social worker/counselor that specializes in addiction and family issues.  I go on Friday.   I  know that God is watching over J and that I don't need to be worried, but God gave me a brain and I realize I need more guidance.

Also, I wanted to thank everyone for their last comments about me seeming to have balance in my life.  That made me feel good and I truly appreciate all of you!

Prescription Pills: The new drug of choice for teens


This article was on MSN's homepage today.  They gave an 18 year old high school student 5 years in prison for distributing oxy.  How sad for everyone.

Prescription Pills: The new drug of choice for teens:

http://health.msn.com/medications/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100247883&page=1

J called me on the 31st after I had already posted on my blog.  He sounded on edge, probably because it was his birthday and New Year's Eve (everyone was going out to have fun).  He asked me if I knew of any decent jobs (so he wouldn't have to take just any job) for him when he is released at the end of March.  The residents at the rehab are not discharged until they have a job or are in school.  It seemed like an odd question.  Sometimes, I think he thinks that I know everything (did that make sense?).   He said that he has a lot of free time there because the classes only last 2 hours per day.

He wants to go back to school since he only went for one semester right out of high school.  I asked him if he could do some research on the internet to decide what he wants to take in school and he said he doesn't think you can use the internet until you've been there three months.  He said there is a guy there whose wife mails him school work for online college and he mails it back to her. 

I have always been the one in the past to make suggestions, give reminders and research information for/to my son and realize now that was detrimental.  I want to be here as support for him and as we all know, its a fine line between support and enabling.  I know that some of you allow your son/daughter to live with you and others feel that is not the thing to do.  Since my son won't be able to drive for at least 6 months after he is released, he will need to live on a bus line and even then, the bus doesn't go everywhere (probation appts., etc.) that he will need to go.  I know that is his problem.

J said he wants his step-father and I to visit this Saturday, since he's only allowed two people per week.  I was surprised he didn't want his girlfriend, but I didn't comment on it.

I am in the process of planning another trip for February, but this one for my husband and I to go on.  We usually go somewhere once a year together and I'm thinking this time we could go on a cruise on the coast of South America that hits Argentina, Brazil and Uruguay.  I sometimes feel a little guilty for the amount of travel that I'm doing recently, but then I remember the hair color commercial - "I'm worth it"!

Gratitude:

Tears
Sleep

I'm back...


 
Hi everybody!  I've caught up with your blogs and wanted to post a few pics from my trip.  I returned Christmas Eve and went to my brother's house Christmas afternoon.  My husband and I picked my mother up.  It was a small gathering - 4 of my sister-in-law's friends, my nephew (my niece was in Florida with her mom) and us.  


My husband said grace at dinner and got a little choked up.  His father passed away this year and also with J not with us we felt very emotional at times.  J got transferred to rehab while I was on my trip.  He called me Christmas Eve and said that it is much better than jail.  The nurse is allowing him to have seconds of food (he weighed 213 lbs when he arrived and has gained 10 lbs. in 2 weeks).  He wants to get up to 240 or 250 - he's 6'9" tall so that wouldn't be too heavy.  He's been working out also.


He sounded a little sad - he also called me Christmas Day.  He feels very grateful to be at the rehab and has been going to the church 2-3 times a week.  The pastor is from an area church and is a former crack addict.  J says he is very inspirational.  J said he prayed for my safety while I was on the trip and of course I prayed for him every day.


I haven't been as open on this blog as I could about how this has been affecting me.  I think for a variety of reasons - because I like to set a good example and let people see that you can have a life even if your heart feels like it is being ripped out - also because I believe that we have a choice to sit around and dwell on the bad things in our lives or get out and live!  I don't like to feel sorry for myself and do believe that most of our children will be able to live drug free lives.  I have always been perceived as the strong one but I cry most every day!  

The trip was very educational and busy.  We only stayed in each spot for typically 1 to 2 days.  There were seven of us - five women traveling solo and a newlywed couple.  The nationalities were German, UK, Canada and US.  Everyone was very nice!  We rotated on who we shared a room with each night - which worked out well.





 This was in Vang Vieng, Laos


 


I'm standing in the courtyard of our hotel in Vientiane, Laos


 

Halong Bay, Vietnam



 


While on a 2 day slow boat down the Mekong River, we stopped at two separate villages and took supplies that we had purchased for one of the villages.


 

Two village girls - it was their New Year's celebration







 Elephant Riding in Chiang Mai, Thailand

Hope you have a great weekend!

Life goes on...



I called the Rehab last week to see if I could have a tour and they said no.....so I arranged another book drive with a bookstore and took 6 boxes of books over to the Rehab. I asked the gentleman that I brought them to if I could have a tour and he said yes. It was comforting to be able to see where J will be living.



On Friday I went to visit my girlfriend who is in the hospital with H1N1 & pneumonia and dressed in protective gear. I rubbed her back and took flowers. I have known her for 38 years and I told her I loved her for the first time on Friday!



We gave our cat to my cousin yesterday because my husband is allergic to him. It was sad but my cousin has 2 other cats, a dog and two daughters. I'm sure he will adjust!



Today my husband and I rode our Harley for an hour to join our hiking club for a beautiful hike. It was sunny and in the 60's.


J has not called me since I saw him in Court on Thursday. The longest I have ever gone without talking to him is 2-3 days (except for when he was 3 years old when his father lived in Texas and had visitation for 6 weeks and wouldn't let him talk on the phone with me).

J told me recently while he was in jail that it makes it harder for him to talk with or see family while he's there because it makes him want out more. I believe it is his way of not thinking about it so he doesn't have to deal with it!

Gratitude:

My son is safe and sober.
My mother likes her new apartment.
The peaceful feeling I have today.
Finding a good home for my kitty.

Much peace and happiness to everyone!!

Court Results & Moving Day





J had three different court proceedings in two different counties this week. Since he is still in jail for the "wreckless op" case, attorney #1 represented him in the other county and was able to continue those cases until next week. The other case was here in our county so they brought J to the courtroom. I spoke with attorney #2 in the hall before it started. This was the case where I called the police on J and he was facing a felony drug possession charge.

I've been praying daily asking God to "please heal J" and to "please give the attorneys and Judges in the case the guidance to make the best decision for J to be healed". I also requested other family members who didn't know what was going on to also pray.

The Judge sentenced J to the "lockdown rehab" (he didn't say for how long) and then three years probation. The wait is 1-2 months for a bed and they will keep J in jail until there is an opening. Attorney #2 asked the Judge if J could be released on his release date next week so that he could make his other court appearances and the Judge said "NO" - that it looks like he has a "catch 22" situation and someone will have to figure it out.

It is quite complicated because the attorney #1 is telling me that unless J can get out of jail to make the court appearances in the other county, they can't go along with this county's rehab recommendation. The two attorneys are supposed to talk again and I should hear something soon.

I know that I've been worried, but it truly helped to pray and feel that J was being looked out for. Through this process, I am fine tuning my beliefs and think that prayer is the most important piece of the process, but that seeking education/knowledge and then acting on that knowledge (when it is something that I can control and feel in my gut that I should act upon) is the way I want to handle my life and what affects me.

I just finished reading "Beautiful Boy" and "The Cross and the Switchblade". The later book is by the founder of the "Teen Challenge". As time goes on I am learning more...



My husband took 1/2 day off of work on Monday so that myself, a friend and my husband could move my mother into her new senior citizen apartment. Moving is my specialty - I've moved 42 times in 51 years - not counting when I help others move. Everything was finished by Monday evening except a couple of end tables for the living room.

Today after Court I went with her and helped her pick out a small dining room set that will be delivered in a week. It has been a challenging time having her live with me for the past 10 months, but I think I have learned more patience among other things.

Gratitude:

1. My son is safe and sober!
2. My mother moved out (yahoo)!
3. I've gotten some e-mails and a phone call through my job search.
4. The beautiful sun shining through warming me as I type this.

Thanks for your prayers and good thoughts!