Scrambled

I'm feeling a bit scrambled today!  As I was looking for a picture to depict my feelings, I happened upon an interesting article online concerning generalized anxiety disorder (GAD):

Scientists at the Stanford Medical Center recently announced that they might have discovered a new explanation for why GAD has appeared.  That the condition may be caused by scrambled neural connections between regions of the cortex dealing with integrating fear and emotion.  GAD makes people live in a constant state of worry, even over the most ordinary matters. 

I'm feeling a bit of that, but mostly unmotivated, isolated and indecisive.  I went to see the therapist Friday because she had a cancellation.  She wanted more background about my childhood and life.  At the end, she suggested that I read a book called, "Adult Children of Alcoholics".  I had told her that my father used to drink beer every day.  I wasn't sure how much and he never appeared drunk.  Anyway, it seems that years ago I had briefly glanced at that book wondering myself if he was an alcoholic.  I went to Half Price Books and couldn't find it, so instead bought, Melody Beattie's, "Beyond Codependency".  I'll get that one next.

I think a lot of my scrambledness is stemming from problems with my marital relationship and not being able to pinpoint which direction to go career wise.  I know that some of that is because I don't want to be in a job that won't allow me to help J when he is released to the extent that I should and can.  I know that he got himself into this, but as long as he is committed to recovery, I want to help initially with getting settled and with transportation.

J called me Friday and was very anxious trying to plan everything for when he is released.  He asked my opinion on a few things and at the end of the conversation, I reassured him that there are people that can help him with transportation, family and friends and that I would be here for him.  I realized after hanging up that what he was saying to me was that he wants to be responsible for himself and doesn't want to rely on others.  He's always been very independent.  He said if he misses one probation appointment, they can send him to prison. 

Sometimes, I wish I could just sell everything and move away.  I realize that is an option!

Hopefully I didn't sound like I'm whining - I'm grateful for everyone / everything in my life - just one of those days!

Peace, love and joy to all of you and thanks for your comments!

My relapse...

I bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday.  I have been fighting it especially since the vacation.  After analyzing it, I think its a combination of factors: 1) being bored on the vacation and watching lots of other people smoking; 2) being bored at home - getting discouraged about finding a job; 3) having an argument with my husband Monday evening; and 4) I got a letter from J's attorney saying that he wasn't sure that J would get "treatment in lieu of conviction" for the pending charges in the other county now.  That it would be a miracle if he did.  I left a message for him to call me to find out if he could be facing any prison time.  I know that he'll have to serve 20 days for the pending DUI. 


J and I had spoken on the phone after I received the letter, and I mentioned it to him.  He asked if there was a chance of him serving time and I said "no, I didn't think so", mainly so that he wouldn't worry excessively.  So, instead I realize that I took on that burden of worrying, not only about possible prison time, but that J was now probably worried also.  That only lasted for a couple of days and gradually I didn't feel that anxiety.  I also realized that the issues that led to my husband and I splitting last time are still there, just not as prevalent.  I'm going to suggest to him that we see the therapist.


I went last night by myself to see J because there was a chance his girlfriend was going to come and only 2 people can visit at one time.  Also, I really just wanted some one on one time with him.  The girlfriend didn't show - J said she tried to drop off the paperwork necessary to be a visitor a few days earlier, but was 15 minutes late, so she mailed it in.  She's now supposed to come on Sat.  There are always some kind of excuses....


I spent a couple of hours yesterday stopping at businesses within 2-3 miles of our house, picking up applications for him.  Most of them were fast food or restaurant establishments, along with a couple of auto parts stores, a tanning salon, movie rental place, etc.  I got more information from his case manager about the job hunting.  The guy that helps them look for a job doesn't really actively find job postings, he just drives them around to p/u applications and drop them off or interview.


J was really appreciative of the apps. The first 15 minutes I was asking him more about the severity of his drug use.  I told him I hoped he didn't feel like I was cross examining him and he wondered why I was so interested in the past.  I tried to explain that through the years I knew he was confiding certain things to me, but then months or years later he would give me more information or confirm that he had lied about something previously, so I wasn't sure what the truth was. 


He said that he started taking the xanax daily when he was 16 years old.  He started taking vicodin and percocet around that time also and then started snorting the oxycotin after he moved out of the house when he was 19.  He said he snorted Heroin about 5 times.  I asked why he didn't do that more and he said because he knew where that would lead and that it felt "dirtier" to do that.


I saw the new therapist on Monday and we clicked.  Most of that hour was spent again on me giving her background information.  Unless she has a cancellation, the soonest I could see her is a week from Sat.


I told J that I would like him to go to see her when he is released and explained that he wouldn't have to take meds if he didn't want to, that just having therapy and exercise can help if you have depression or anxiety.  We talked more about his plan when he is released.  Ultimately, he wants to get an apartment with the gf.  I told him what the therapist said concerning her - that she is most likely a trigger because they had used together.  He didn't respond.  He said that he has to stay busy when he is released!


To change the subject - two of the events that I scheduled went very well.  There were about 20 people that joined my husband and I at the art center and I had a turnout of about 55 people for the hike on Sunday.  Although it was cold at first, the sun was bright!  I may have to cancel tomorrow night's event at the horse races, because we're supposed to get snow.


I will quit smoking again very soon!  That reminds me, J asked me how the not smoking  was going and I told him I had just bought a pack that day.  He was disappointed.  I told him that I can kind of relate to drug addiction, but that I had thought to myself when deciding rather to buy a pack, that if I knew there was a chance that I could go to jail or die that day from it, that there was no way I would have done it.  He disagreed with me - which is scary!


Gratitude:


J is safe and sober
God has given me another day of life

Vacation and Therapy

We returned late Saturday evening from our trip to Dominican Republic.  I felt a little guilty going since it is only 250 miles from the terrible suffering of the Haitian people.  I did do the texting thing to contribute monetarily though.  Anyway, the trip was very relaxing.  The resort was an all-inclusive (including airfare, hotel, food, alcohol, airport transfers) and there were 8 restaurants, two pools and it was on the beach.  That is a picture from our room.

The weather was beautiful - 85 degs.  Every day was pretty much the same.  My husband would go down to the beach and put our towels on a couple of loungers under a thatched roof.  If you got down after 9am, there weren't any left.

We would then go jogging on the beach - head back to the room for a quick shower - on to breakfast  - down to the beach to lay out and I would usually read and/or people watch and take a daily walk on the beach.  There are a mixture of European, Russian, Canadian, and American people that go there.  Women are allowed to go topless, although not too many do.  My husband and I would hold hands while walking and if one of us spotted someone, we'd squeeze the other's hand.  It was a fun game for him!

As far as the therapist goes, I saw him right before we left for the trip and most of the hour was spent with me giving him background on the trouble that J's gotten into through the last few years.  My initial impression of him was that he thinks very highly of himself and his knowledge.  In so many words, at one point, he said that since he's been doing this for 30 years that he knows everything.  At that point, I told him that how I have been handling and intend to continue handling this situation is to research via internet, read books, continue with my blog and reading as many other's as I can, to find either an al-anon or naranon group and also to talk to a therapist and to take from each what resonates with me, because I don't think any one person or source has all of the answers.  I think he got my point.

I have had experience with 2 therapists during my first marriage for marital counseling and 1 therapist during the early stages of marriage to my current husband and I took my son when he was 6 years old to a psychologist for 1 year when he was 6 years old because my ex-husband was trying to obtain custody during that period.  Generally, I feel that talking with close friends has been the best therapy for me.

Last night my husband and I went to see this therapist again and I'm still not sure about whether we click.  At one point I started to tear up and he asked me what I was feeling.  I told him sadness and asked "Wouldn't you be sad if your child had just gotten out of jail, was in rehab, and a drug addict."  He didn't answer me, but continued to stare at me, so I just stared back.  Finally, he said "I get the impression that you don't have a problem being assertive with people in general, except for 1" (meaning my son) and I said that I didn't.  I tried to explain that I am assertive with J, but I am compassionate also.  It is only $20 per session to see him through insurance, but I'm thinking about seeing a lady psychologist who is not covered through our insurance, but she said she would only charge $70 per session (which is still a lot), but she is a psychologist who specializes in addiction and the other therapist is a social worker/counselor.

Gratitude:

J is safe and sober
We finally get to see J Wednesday evening for an hour
I have another job interview next week

P.S.  I've read everyone's blogs, but just haven't had time to comment yet!

Upset

J called me Saturday evening to apologize for his paperwork oversight relating to our visit.  He sounded very uptight again, so I asked him how he was feeling.  He said depressed.  He said you don't know what I am going through in here.  The last time we spoke he said his girlfriend's cell phone was turned off (permanently) and he wanted me to call her home phone while he was waiting to see what was going on.  I agreed and she answered.  She said to have him call her father's cell phone.  Anyway, Saturday evening he said he couldn't understand why she didn't call me so that I could let J know the next time I spoke with him.  I hate to see him hurt, so instead of doing the right thing (saying nothing), I said "You can't expect her to wait for you" and at that point he said he didn't want to talk about it. 

He gave me more detail as to what it was like there.   They aren't allowed to go on their bunk bed to read and that the community room is always loud, with the T.V. blaring, and people being paged on the loud speaker constantly.  I know that anxiety/depression runs in my family and I had never thought that J had that problem, but am beginning to realize that it could be a large part of his problem.  Recently, I was thinking his anxiety stemmed from the drug use or lack of drug use, but it may have nothing to do with that.

During our conversation, I tried to make him feel better by reminding him that he gets out at the end of March, but it didn't seem to help.  I feel badly that I contributed to making him feel worse by most likely reinforcing what he was already worried about - his girlfriend not waiting for him.  I also have been thinking about when he does get out - what the right things to say/do are and realized that I need to talk to someone.  Every time I try to talk to my husband about it, he tries to fix it and interrupts me at some point with his opinions etc.  I explain to him that sometimes I just want to vent and have someone listen and perhaps reassure me and he said, "I thought this was a two-way conversation".  He said that J need to hear me say "Buck up and be a man".

I made an appointment with a social worker/counselor that specializes in addiction and family issues.  I go on Friday.   I  know that God is watching over J and that I don't need to be worried, but God gave me a brain and I realize I need more guidance.

Also, I wanted to thank everyone for their last comments about me seeming to have balance in my life.  That made me feel good and I truly appreciate all of you!