J called me Saturday evening to apologize for his paperwork oversight relating to our visit. He sounded very uptight again, so I asked him how he was feeling. He said depressed. He said you don't know what I am going through in here. The last time we spoke he said his girlfriend's cell phone was turned off (permanently) and he wanted me to call her home phone while he was waiting to see what was going on. I agreed and she answered. She said to have him call her father's cell phone. Anyway, Saturday evening he said he couldn't understand why she didn't call me so that I could let J know the next time I spoke with him. I hate to see him hurt, so instead of doing the right thing (saying nothing), I said "You can't expect her to wait for you" and at that point he said he didn't want to talk about it.
He gave me more detail as to what it was like there. They aren't allowed to go on their bunk bed to read and that the community room is always loud, with the T.V. blaring, and people being paged on the loud speaker constantly. I know that anxiety/depression runs in my family and I had never thought that J had that problem, but am beginning to realize that it could be a large part of his problem. Recently, I was thinking his anxiety stemmed from the drug use or lack of drug use, but it may have nothing to do with that.
During our conversation, I tried to make him feel better by reminding him that he gets out at the end of March, but it didn't seem to help. I feel badly that I contributed to making him feel worse by most likely reinforcing what he was already worried about - his girlfriend not waiting for him. I also have been thinking about when he does get out - what the right things to say/do are and realized that I need to talk to someone. Every time I try to talk to my husband about it, he tries to fix it and interrupts me at some point with his opinions etc. I explain to him that sometimes I just want to vent and have someone listen and perhaps reassure me and he said, "I thought this was a two-way conversation". He said that J need to hear me say "Buck up and be a man".
I made an appointment with a social worker/counselor that specializes in addiction and family issues. I go on Friday. I know that God is watching over J and that I don't need to be worried, but God gave me a brain and I realize I need more guidance.
Also, I wanted to thank everyone for their last comments about me seeming to have balance in my life. That made me feel good and I truly appreciate all of you!
