Close Encounter

I awoke at 4:30am this morning and decided to get up.  I noticed a light on beneath my son's bedroom door...thinking he left his T.V. on...opened the door and he was still up.  He told me that after his girlfriend picked him up from work and was driving him home...the police stopped them because she had a tail light out.  She didn't have her driver's license on her and one of the officers questioned my son....asked him for his I.D., ran a check and saw that he was on probation.  J said there were at one point three police cars there and it took about 30 minutes.    He was surprised they didn't search the car!

There were no reprecussions, because they weren't doing anything wrong.  When it's 1am in the morning, there is a greater risk of being pulled over.

He was a bit upset because now he has to report to his Probation Officer that there was some contact with law enforcement.  I asked him if he has cravings for drugs and he said, "Yes, actually yesterday I thought about it because of going away for three weeks on Sunday".  I'm glad he's honest with me.  I told him that I continue to pray for him every day!!

My relapse...

I bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday.  I have been fighting it especially since the vacation.  After analyzing it, I think its a combination of factors: 1) being bored on the vacation and watching lots of other people smoking; 2) being bored at home - getting discouraged about finding a job; 3) having an argument with my husband Monday evening; and 4) I got a letter from J's attorney saying that he wasn't sure that J would get "treatment in lieu of conviction" for the pending charges in the other county now.  That it would be a miracle if he did.  I left a message for him to call me to find out if he could be facing any prison time.  I know that he'll have to serve 20 days for the pending DUI. 


J and I had spoken on the phone after I received the letter, and I mentioned it to him.  He asked if there was a chance of him serving time and I said "no, I didn't think so", mainly so that he wouldn't worry excessively.  So, instead I realize that I took on that burden of worrying, not only about possible prison time, but that J was now probably worried also.  That only lasted for a couple of days and gradually I didn't feel that anxiety.  I also realized that the issues that led to my husband and I splitting last time are still there, just not as prevalent.  I'm going to suggest to him that we see the therapist.


I went last night by myself to see J because there was a chance his girlfriend was going to come and only 2 people can visit at one time.  Also, I really just wanted some one on one time with him.  The girlfriend didn't show - J said she tried to drop off the paperwork necessary to be a visitor a few days earlier, but was 15 minutes late, so she mailed it in.  She's now supposed to come on Sat.  There are always some kind of excuses....


I spent a couple of hours yesterday stopping at businesses within 2-3 miles of our house, picking up applications for him.  Most of them were fast food or restaurant establishments, along with a couple of auto parts stores, a tanning salon, movie rental place, etc.  I got more information from his case manager about the job hunting.  The guy that helps them look for a job doesn't really actively find job postings, he just drives them around to p/u applications and drop them off or interview.


J was really appreciative of the apps. The first 15 minutes I was asking him more about the severity of his drug use.  I told him I hoped he didn't feel like I was cross examining him and he wondered why I was so interested in the past.  I tried to explain that through the years I knew he was confiding certain things to me, but then months or years later he would give me more information or confirm that he had lied about something previously, so I wasn't sure what the truth was. 


He said that he started taking the xanax daily when he was 16 years old.  He started taking vicodin and percocet around that time also and then started snorting the oxycotin after he moved out of the house when he was 19.  He said he snorted Heroin about 5 times.  I asked why he didn't do that more and he said because he knew where that would lead and that it felt "dirtier" to do that.


I saw the new therapist on Monday and we clicked.  Most of that hour was spent again on me giving her background information.  Unless she has a cancellation, the soonest I could see her is a week from Sat.


I told J that I would like him to go to see her when he is released and explained that he wouldn't have to take meds if he didn't want to, that just having therapy and exercise can help if you have depression or anxiety.  We talked more about his plan when he is released.  Ultimately, he wants to get an apartment with the gf.  I told him what the therapist said concerning her - that she is most likely a trigger because they had used together.  He didn't respond.  He said that he has to stay busy when he is released!


To change the subject - two of the events that I scheduled went very well.  There were about 20 people that joined my husband and I at the art center and I had a turnout of about 55 people for the hike on Sunday.  Although it was cold at first, the sun was bright!  I may have to cancel tomorrow night's event at the horse races, because we're supposed to get snow.


I will quit smoking again very soon!  That reminds me, J asked me how the not smoking  was going and I told him I had just bought a pack that day.  He was disappointed.  I told him that I can kind of relate to drug addiction, but that I had thought to myself when deciding rather to buy a pack, that if I knew there was a chance that I could go to jail or die that day from it, that there was no way I would have done it.  He disagreed with me - which is scary!


Gratitude:


J is safe and sober
God has given me another day of life

The Visit

My husband and I visited J last night.  It was great to get to hug and kiss him after waiting 4 months.  He looked great - he's gained almost 20 lbs.  I spoke with his case manager yesterday before the visit and she was very helpful and nice.  She said J was doing very well with his classes and she has noticed a change in him from when he first arrived.  He's opening up more.  She said he has asked her a number of times about going back to college.

Anyway, I had mentioned to him on the phone on Sunday that I wasn't sure he would be able to come live at home when he was released.  For one thing, we're not on a bus line.  He said he could ride one of our bikes to the bus stop which is miles away by way of  a very dangerous, winding road.  I told him we had time to make a decision about that.  So, last night we talked about that more.  I asked him if his father does give him the $13,000 when he is released, what his plans for it would be.  He said he would pay off half of his credit card debt and that he thinks he needs to make it on his own.  Just stay here for the first couple of weeks and then move to an apartment.  That he needs to stay busy.  I asked if a large sum of money would be a trigger for him and he said no.  He said that looking back he realizes that when he would go out spending a lot of money on a new phone, clothes, xbox, etc. was a trigger.

He thinks he can get the job back working for his friend's cousin that he had when this happened.  He was working 2nd shift 2pm-2am, but there is no bus that goes there. 

We talked briefly about drugs and he said that he was doing well before the last month of trouble - that he had been clean for 3 months and then he decided one day to try it again and see if it was like it was in the beginning.  He said it was, so he decided to try it the next day to see if it was still good and it was, so the third day he tried it and he didn't get high.  I didn't asked him what he tried, but it seems clear that he made a conscious decision to get high.  I asked if he had any cravings and he said only for cigarettes.  I reminded him that I had quit about 9 weeks ago now and he said "Oh yeah - I forgot - that's great!"  A little self-absorbed - wouldn't you say!

I asked him if he feels anxious or depressed.  He said that he's not happy all of the time and I said that no one is.  He said if he had to lean one way or the other, he'd say that yes he probably has a problem, but that he wouldn't want to take any medicine.  I mentioned that I went to a therapist and that now I have found another one that I'll be seeing Monday and that she could see him also when he gets out if he wants to.  He said he really didn't want to, but that if I wanted him to then he would.  The new therapist asked me if his mental health has been evaluated and I said no.  She said that usually people don't become addicts unless there is some type of mental health issue also.

I also asked him if he thinks I did the right thing calling the police and he said yes!  I am still traumatized by that and feel that the therapist can help me work through it.

J and his step dad joked around and talked about sports, etc.  It was nice to see J smile!

It was a good visit and he is definitely getting better.  I liked that he realized that he needs to stay busy and make it on his own.  I also realize that we're just beginning - when he is faced with life on the outside - that's the true test!

Gratitude:

J is safe and sober
The sun is shining this morning
My coffee tastes good

Peace and blessings to everyone!!