I bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday. I have been fighting it especially since the vacation. After analyzing it, I think its a combination of factors: 1) being bored on the vacation and watching lots of other people smoking; 2) being bored at home - getting discouraged about finding a job; 3) having an argument with my husband Monday evening; and 4) I got a letter from J's attorney saying that he wasn't sure that J would get "treatment in lieu of conviction" for the pending charges in the other county now. That it would be a miracle if he did. I left a message for him to call me to find out if he could be facing any prison time. I know that he'll have to serve 20 days for the pending DUI.
J and I had spoken on the phone after I received the letter, and I mentioned it to him. He asked if there was a chance of him serving time and I said "no, I didn't think so", mainly so that he wouldn't worry excessively. So, instead I realize that I took on that burden of worrying, not only about possible prison time, but that J was now probably worried also. That only lasted for a couple of days and gradually I didn't feel that anxiety. I also realized that the issues that led to my husband and I splitting last time are still there, just not as prevalent. I'm going to suggest to him that we see the therapist.
I went last night by myself to see J because there was a chance his girlfriend was going to come and only 2 people can visit at one time. Also, I really just wanted some one on one time with him. The girlfriend didn't show - J said she tried to drop off the paperwork necessary to be a visitor a few days earlier, but was 15 minutes late, so she mailed it in. She's now supposed to come on Sat. There are always some kind of excuses....
I spent a couple of hours yesterday stopping at businesses within 2-3 miles of our house, picking up applications for him. Most of them were fast food or restaurant establishments, along with a couple of auto parts stores, a tanning salon, movie rental place, etc. I got more information from his case manager about the job hunting. The guy that helps them look for a job doesn't really actively find job postings, he just drives them around to p/u applications and drop them off or interview.
J was really appreciative of the apps. The first 15 minutes I was asking him more about the severity of his drug use. I told him I hoped he didn't feel like I was cross examining him and he wondered why I was so interested in the past. I tried to explain that through the years I knew he was confiding certain things to me, but then months or years later he would give me more information or confirm that he had lied about something previously, so I wasn't sure what the truth was.
He said that he started taking the xanax daily when he was 16 years old. He started taking vicodin and percocet around that time also and then started snorting the oxycotin after he moved out of the house when he was 19. He said he snorted Heroin about 5 times. I asked why he didn't do that more and he said because he knew where that would lead and that it felt "dirtier" to do that.
I saw the new therapist on Monday and we clicked. Most of that hour was spent again on me giving her background information. Unless she has a cancellation, the soonest I could see her is a week from Sat.
I told J that I would like him to go to see her when he is released and explained that he wouldn't have to take meds if he didn't want to, that just having therapy and exercise can help if you have depression or anxiety. We talked more about his plan when he is released. Ultimately, he wants to get an apartment with the gf. I told him what the therapist said concerning her - that she is most likely a trigger because they had used together. He didn't respond. He said that he has to stay busy when he is released!
To change the subject - two of the events that I scheduled went very well. There were about 20 people that joined my husband and I at the art center and I had a turnout of about 55 people for the hike on Sunday. Although it was cold at first, the sun was bright! I may have to cancel tomorrow night's event at the horse races, because we're supposed to get snow.
I will quit smoking again very soon! That reminds me, J asked me how the not smoking was going and I told him I had just bought a pack that day. He was disappointed. I told him that I can kind of relate to drug addiction, but that I had thought to myself when deciding rather to buy a pack, that if I knew there was a chance that I could go to jail or die that day from it, that there was no way I would have done it. He disagreed with me - which is scary!
Gratitude:
J is safe and sober
God has given me another day of life
6 comments:
I certainly hope he can get treatment in liew of serving time. Keep us posted.
Don't worry about the smoking. You know you can do it when the time is right.
What kind of things does J like to do? How will he keep busy? Its not easy getting a job right now (I've been looking for 8 months and keeping my out for Kev too - not a lot out there).
Thinking about you....
I'm not sure what you meant when you said he disagreed with you (about not buying the cigarettes if you knew you might die that day) - but I can say what I told my Mom recently - when I was 18 there was information out there about how you could die the very first time you snorted cocaine... and that didn't stop me. Somehow the "logical" reasoning just goes right out the window in the moment. So I wondered if that's what you meant (and then what he meant) in that conversation... if not... disregard :)
Smoking/boredom - I'm smoking more now than ever in my life, just since we moved here 1 1/2 years ago. I think stress and time on your hands are a very powerful combination to pick up a cigarette. You've got both right now. Don't be hard on yourself. You'll stop smoking again IF/WHEN you choose. I agree with you that it gives us an insight to addiction!
I am glad you clicked with your new therapist, I think that makes all the difference. Hopefully she will help guide you while dealing with the job situation and your relationship with your husband. Also hopefully they will have compassion on J and give him the treatment option!
Keeping hope up on all accounts!!!
To try to get me to understand, a recovering addict asked me if I'd ever smoked. Yes, quitting was so awful and took so many attempts that I would never take another puff as long as I live. Then, he said, magnify that times ten and you'll start to understand what it's like to quit drugs.
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