God Intersedes

I had decided to kidnap my mother from her abusive situation and had a plan in place, but God interseded.  I called Hospice and told them what I was going to do...the on-call nurse was very supportive and confident with my plan.  She said she'd say a prayer for us.  I called my mother a couple of times yesterday (Monday) and she finally answered about 1:15pm and said she had just called 911 because she was wedged between the dresser and her bed trying to get out of bed to use the bedside potty.  She had been calling my brother on her phone and screaming for him, but he didn't respond.  I told her she was coming to live with me and that R (my husband) and I would be coming to pick her up.  I called the police and they met us there.  It took about 20 minutes to gather up some of her things while the police were there.  In the car on the way home she said that before the paramedics could get there my brother woke up...came in...picked her up and threw her on the bed, saying..."You woke me up, you fucking bitch".  Then proceeded to shake her repeatedly and pinch her.

Since she's been home, I've been attending to her all day and night.  Fixing food, getting her ice chips to suck on, setting up a movie on my I-pad for her to watch outside on the deck, giving her a shower, dispensing her medicine, doing laundry, bandaging her leg that is oozing liquid and other wounds, lifting and carrying her from wheelchair to toilet to shower to bed to toilet, etc.  She's still awake now at 3:30.  We provided her with a walkie talkie to hit a call button when she needs to and she's woken me three times since midnight.  I'm going to go lay down with her until she goes to sleep.  She keeps apologizing for the hardship and I tell her that I love her and want her to be as comfortable as possible and that knowing she was being abused was torture for me.  My husband and son have been helping also.

Death Will Set Her Free

The situation that my mother is in right now is nothing short of appalling!  I feel like I'm living a nightmare right now...but somehow I'm accepting it.  She has deteriorated in the past five days to not being able to walk on her own.  I went over to her apartment on Tuesday to give her a shower and my alcoholic brother started an argument with me.  He kept running up to me with his fist raised and screaming at me to get out of his apartment.  He was within inches of my face and one of his eyes was completely bloodshot...I felt like I was looking into the face of the devil!  I called 911 and the police came.  They couldn't do anything since he didn't hit me.

I called my mother that day at noon to make sure she was awake so I could come and asked her if she'd been out of bed yet.  She said no...that J (the alcoholic brother) was still asleep in the living room.  I asked if she needed to go to the bathroom...she said yes, but that she could wait until I got there.  She called me on the way and said that he had gone out to get them something to eat but she didn't want to ask him to take her to the restroom because he was in a foul mood, cursing and yelling about having to take care of her.   The day before he had taken the phone from Mom when I was speaking with her and was complaining that when he lifts her to place her on the toilet she clings to the wall and that bothers him.  I said, "Why don't you have her go to hospice for five days to give you a break or she can come stay with me."  He said, "I don't need a break and she doesn't want to live with you or go to hospice".

Anyway, when I arrived my brother said, "You know Mom doesn't want to live with you or go to hospice."  I said, "I know...but that could change soon".  He got upset and said he wouldn't allow her to and I said, "Are you her boss?"  He said, "Yes, I am" and that's when he became enraged.  I left right after the police did and my brother said, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass".

I spoke with her Nurse yesterday and filled her in...she said Mom has been telling her some things and that she thought I would be calling.  She set up an aide to come in 3 times a week and yesterday I had my cousin go over.  I found out the social worker, the nurse and my cousin were all there at the same time.  While they were there, my brother stayed in my mom's bedroom and they had to call his cell phone (that my mom pays for) to speak with him...how bizarre is that?  Everyone knows she's being abused...but because she wants it that way...nothing is being done to change it.

They discovered a bedsore on her and told him he needs to make sure she lays on her side some of the time.  He said he can't watch her 24/7.  Mom said she fell out of bed trying to get to the bathroom while he was sleeping yesterday and they had to bandage a sore on her leg.

Now I can't safely go over to see my dying mother and she rarely calls me because he gets upset when she does.  My mother is so co-dependent and worried about being able to smoke when she wants that she's willing to continue the last month of her life in this horrible situation.  This makes me repulsed with both of them and very sad.

I am praying for her quick death!  I know I can't control this...perhaps that is why I'm dealing with it as well as I am.

Final Roadtrip

I'm glad to be home from the trip!  My mother didn't seem to derive much enjoyment from it, other than the warm weather.  She complained about most everything...which is her nature anyway...but I understand that she is depressed and doesn't feel well.  When you're around someone like that for an extended period of time, it seems to suck the life right out of you. 

My younger brother came for a few days and the three of us went to Ft. Myers beach one day, Sanibel Island beach another day, out to eat a couple of times, saw the movie Red Riding Hood, and my brother took her to TJ Maxx to look around.  The nerve neuropathy in her feet was particularly painful and her stomach was starting to hurt periodically, so I was going to take her to an Urgent Care, but they were closed, so we went to the emergency room.  I asked my brother to research where the closest pharmacies were, in case her doctor at home could call something in, but he couldn't across state lines.  My brother stayed at the condo watching basketball.  We were there almost four hours and the doctor prescribed an opiate for her. 

We were driving home about 12 midnight and I called my brother, who was still up to see if he would mind driving to the pharmacy once we returned, to fill the prescription.  He said, "You're driving right by one, why can't you?"  I explained that the hospital told me that there were two 24 hr. pharmacies open, but they were on a different road than where I would be.  He finally agreed to, but we ended up taking a wrong turn and passed by one, so I stopped to fill it.  When we arrived at the condo, I asked my brother if he had started the dishwasher, so we'd have clean dishes for breakfast and he said, "No, but we can start it now, can't we?"  I said, "Yes, you could start it now" and he then went off on me saying that I have an attitude problem, that he didn't appreciate it and couldn't understand what was wrong.  I told him why I seemed to have an attitude problem...that after spending four hours at the emergency room, I didn't think it was too much to ask for him to go to the pharmacy, that was 5 minutes away, so that Mom didn't have to wait in the car for another 10-15 minutes at midnight.  He didn't understand my thinking and said that "I can act like such a bitch" and began opening/closing all of the cupboards in the kitchen looking for the dishwashing detergent, while ranting/raving...saying over and over, "where is the dishwashing detergent" in between telling me how obnoxious I am!  He recently went back to school to get a Masters in counseling and is a licensed therapist....a little scary!  He apologized the next day.

I also have a greater understanding of codependency and the cycle of domestic violence from my week with mom.  She agreed to keep her phone turned off, so that my alcoholic brother couldn't harass her, but she did speak with him twice on the trip.  She has options so that she doesn't need to return to that situation, but she insists on doing so.  Her father abused her mother, her husband abused her and now her son abuses her.  I believe that she needs IT in her life.  By the end, she was quite hateful to me at times and I brought it to her attention.  I asked if I'm the only one she treats like that (other than my alcoholic brother) and she said yes.  I made the point that if she can control it with others, then she can choose to control it with me.  It seems she was going through withdrawals from being treated nicely instead of poorly.  She also apologized to me.

While driving home, she made the comment that she is bitter and resentful that she never had a home and I made the point that many people don't own their homes, the banks do.  And compared to some of the world, she lives like a queen.  She disagrees.  Whenever I talk about being grateful for what we do have, she doesn't like to hear it!

I am so grateful that I have the ability to be grateful!

What son beats his dying mother??

My brother beat my mother today.  She was lying in bed and he hit her on both arms.

She's been waiting for the title of her car to arrive in the mail since she paid it off, so that she could put it in his name before she dies.  She's been calling them because it's been a week since they mailed it.  I called them today and found out they sent it to the wrong address.  I knew my brother would be upset, so I suggested to Mom that while he was sleeping today (since he usually stays up all night), that I could come pick her up so she could spend the night here before we left for Florida tomorrow.  I told her she could smoke in the office,  so she wouldn't get cold outside, but she said she'd wait until tomorrow.  Later in the day, she said when she was trying to tell him that if the title came while we were gone, my younger brother could sign for her since he has a Power of Attorney.  He became enraged and told her she wasn't going anywhere and hit her.

I called my husband and he left work to meet me at her place.  I called the Police, so there wouldn't be any trouble.  They went in with us and one spoke to my Mom and the other to my brother.  My brother said my mother was trying to hit him, so her wounds were from him trying to stop her.  One of the officers asked what she wanted to do.  She said nothing.  I thought they were supposed to arrest someone if they assault another person.  It's unbelievable!  Later, my husband told me that one of the officers told him that he thought my mother took bandages off of her two wounds to make it look like they were fresh!

I feel alone in this!  My younger brother (who is a counselor) doesn't step up to the plate.  When my son heard about it (he was at school), he called the police department and one of the officers said that mom admitted to hitting my brother, that's why they didn't take him in.  I heard her say she was kicking at him to get him to stop.

Picture this....a 105 lb. woman dying from cancer (who can barely stand up) hurting a 200 lb. man!!

She's here now.  I am trying not to think about it...I'm too angry!