Struggling

I'm not sure if it is the jet lag or depression or a combination, but I have been struggling with sadness, sleeping a lot and feeling the urge to smoke again.  I'll get in bed at 6pm and sleep until 6am.  It's been 7 weeks since I smoked.  I wonder if being an addict feels like this, because my brain tries to trick me by saying, "What does it matter if you start smoking again and die a few years younger than you would have?", or "I can always smoke again and stop again".


I had a job interview on Monday and should hear something by next week.  I know that a lot of my problem is not having a job.  I keep thinking I should continue to look for something that I want to do full-time, long term, rather than just take any job to have something to do until I find something else, but I'm rethinking that for my mental health.


Today is J's birthday, he's 22.  He hasn't called me since Christmas Day.  I went and bought another $20 phone card for him this week.  Each 15 min. call is $2.00 and basically he calls his father, his girlfriend and me.  He said he's trying to make each card last and that his girlfriend was supposed to buy a card.  It concerns me that his girlfriend is still waiting for him.  I read what Lou said in one of her comments, that anytime a girlfriend waits it's usually not a good situation.  She was doing drugs with him before he went to jail and I don't know what her status is now.

I'll get to see him around January 9th and he's allowed to have 2 visitors.  He can 2 visitors once a week. I told my husband that he will probably want me and his girlfriend to come the first time.  Nothing against him, but they aren't that close so it makes sense.  Of course, its up to him who he wants to see.


I'm trying to live in the moment and not think too much about what the future will bring.  Also, I continue to pray that J is in God's hands and everything is as it should be!


My husband and I went to see the movie "Avatar" a couple of days ago in 3-D and it was great.  I highly recommend it!

We're supposed to go with my brother and his wife to a party tonight - probably around 30 people and it's only a 15-20 min. drive.  Tomorrow, we're going on a 7 mile hike with about 35 people that is a 1 1/2 hr. drive from here.


My prayers are with my family, friends and the following people (I hope I didn't leave anyone out):


Barbara and Keven; Renee and Zach; Lisa and Bryan; Annette and daughter; Madison and family; Chailatte and son; Mom and Heather; Lou and Andrew; Cheri and family; Tall Kay; Steve in Fl.; Debbie and Son; Dad, Mom and Son; and Bill and Son.


Gratitude: 


J is safe and sober
Free Will
My mother
Love


Happy New Year and Peace, Love, and Joy to all of you!!

I'm back...

 
Hi everybody!  I've caught up with your blogs and wanted to post a few pics from my trip.  I returned Christmas Eve and went to my brother's house Christmas afternoon.  My husband and I picked my mother up.  It was a small gathering - 4 of my sister-in-law's friends, my nephew (my niece was in Florida with her mom) and us.  


My husband said grace at dinner and got a little choked up.  His father passed away this year and also with J not with us we felt very emotional at times.  J got transferred to rehab while I was on my trip.  He called me Christmas Eve and said that it is much better than jail.  The nurse is allowing him to have seconds of food (he weighed 213 lbs when he arrived and has gained 10 lbs. in 2 weeks).  He wants to get up to 240 or 250 - he's 6'9" tall so that wouldn't be too heavy.  He's been working out also.


He sounded a little sad - he also called me Christmas Day.  He feels very grateful to be at the rehab and has been going to the church 2-3 times a week.  The pastor is from an area church and is a former crack addict.  J says he is very inspirational.  J said he prayed for my safety while I was on the trip and of course I prayed for him every day.


I haven't been as open on this blog as I could about how this has been affecting me.  I think for a variety of reasons - because I like to set a good example and let people see that you can have a life even if your heart feels like it is being ripped out - also because I believe that we have a choice to sit around and dwell on the bad things in our lives or get out and live!  I don't like to feel sorry for myself and do believe that most of our children will be able to live drug free lives.  I have always been perceived as the strong one but I cry most every day!  

The trip was very educational and busy.  We only stayed in each spot for typically 1 to 2 days.  There were seven of us - five women traveling solo and a newlywed couple.  The nationalities were German, UK, Canada and US.  Everyone was very nice!  We rotated on who we shared a room with each night - which worked out well.

 This was in Vang Vieng, Laos

 

I'm standing in the courtyard of our hotel in Vientiane, Laos

 

Halong Bay, Vietnam

 

While on a 2 day slow boat down the Mekong River, we stopped at two separate villages and took supplies that we had purchased for one of the villages.

 

Two village girls - it was their New Year's celebration

 Elephant Riding in Chiang Mai, Thailand

Hope you have a great weekend!

Goodby for Now

I leave tomorrow for my trip.  I can't remember if I mentioned how long the travel time is.  It will take me about 32 hours from the time I leave my house until I get to the hotel.  Since I have restless leg syndrome and periodic limb movement disorder, air travel is very difficult for me.  I'm not complaining though, I feel very blessed to be able to see some of SE Asia.  My flight is 3 legs, first LA, then Taiwan, then Bangkok.  On the way back, it leaves from Hanoi, to Japan, Detroit, then home.

I wanted to tell everyone "Merry Christmas" and I hope and pray all of you and your children have a blessed month!


My husband and I went to see J yesterday in jail and he seemed to be doing fine.  His attitude is good and he looks well.  After the visit, my husband said he still looks so young, like a boy.  After I first called the police to take J, I went through a few weeks of torture.  I didn't feel that I deserved to be happy.  This family of hurting parents helped me to realize that for J to get well, I needed to heal also.  I wanted to thank all of you for helping me!


An update on everything else:  my roommate is working out well - she stays to herself downstairs when she is here.  Here are a few pics of the downstairs of our home, which she has pretty much to herself:

 

I don't see my mother much since my brother is over there all of the time.  He gets upset if she calls me especially, so she'll call me from the laundry room (pretty dysfunctional).  I've learned to accept that situation a long time ago.


I packed J a box of clothes/toiletry items for my husband to mail to him once he is transferred, which he's hoping is Thursday.  The rehab doesn't allow you to bring items, you have to mail them.


Gratitude:


J is safe and sober
My husband loves me

Traveling with a Tarot Card Reader

In late 2007, after my husband and I divorced, I started making new friends, single friends and one of them was an organic farmer named Wyatt.  He was what you would call "eccentric"!  His intellect was off the charts and some of his interests were:  tarot card reading, astrology, palm reading, spirituality, home made bread making and beer making, and the organic farming.  We had done a few things together and talked on the phone a lot.


We decided to go on a trip together for 8 days out west to three national parks, Zion, Bryce and the Grand Canyon.  I made all of the travel plans, booked the lodge reservations, rental car, etc.  The trip went well in the beginning.  I am quite tolerant of people's differences and try to embrace each person's uniqueness!


This was during my "vegetarian" phase and he was also vegetarian.  He was on a stricter budget than me therefore wanted to eat PB&J sandwiches frequently, so I did also.  As we drove through the west together, hiking, talking and listening to native american music, he shared more of his life with me.  He had been through an abusive childhood and by the time we were ready to move to the last destination, "The Grand Canyon", he started going through what I would call an emotional breakdown.  He wanted to go home and insisted on me driving him to the nearest Greyhound bus station, instead of returning to the airport to fly home early.


After dropping him off, I had the choice of driving back to Las Vegas and change my flight or wait it out there, or go on to "The Grand Canyon", which I had never seen.  Although I was frightened by the prospect of hiking down the Canyon by myself, I decided to go for it.


I hiked down, spent the night at "Phantom Ranch" and hiked back up the following morning.  I had a great sense of accomplishment after that!  I guess the lessons learned were: get to know your traveling mates better beforehand and you can do anything if you want it bad enough!

Bryce National Park

 

Zion National Park

The Grand Canyon at sunset

This is at Phanton Ranch at the bottom of the Canyon

Gratitude: 

Son is safe and sober

I am over 2 weeks smoke free

Had a beautiful 10 mile hike yesterday and saw amazing scenery (in Ohio - can you believe it?)

God is listening to me and I'm listening back

Paris in the Spring

I hope I bring some light to people's lives by posting about positive things!  That is why I post about my travels because it's something that brings light to my life and provides entertainment for others.

In 2007 I took my Niece who was 15 years old at the time with me to Paris.  She was taking French lessons in school and was excited about being able to practice in Paris!  Once there, she was too shy most of the time to practice her French, but she enjoyed making fun of my lack of knowledge in that area!


Her favorite place was the Eiffel Tower - we went there three times; once at dusk to watch the lights come on.  She thought they looked like sparkling diamonds!  One of her favorite activities was riding the Metro....it was fun figuring out which one connected to the next one to get us to our destination.  We ate pastries every day and of course went to the Louvre and Notre Dame.

This is a picture of her with a stranger that we stopped to ask if we could take his picture.  My favorite thing to do is people watch, so one day I said lets take a picture of everyone that is with a dog.  We took quite a few pictures that day!

 

I was pretending to get in the little car here!

During the trip, she seemed quite sulky and I remember thinking why am I in Paris with a sulky teenager!  I would ask her what was wrong and she would say she didn't like the rain, or her feet hurt, etc. etc.

Within 6 months of our returning from the trip, she seemed like a changed person.  She was outgoing and friendlier.  I believe that trip gave her more confidence in herself and that's one of the reasons I love travel -- it's empowering.  My dream career would be to take people on adventures around the world! 

I'm two weeks smoke-free!!

Gratitude:

My son is safe and sober

My brother (the alcoholic) is at my mother's all of the time (even sleeping there) so that means he isn't drinking except for about once a week when he goes back to his apartment for a night

The support of my family/friends/and blogger friends!!