I'm not sure if it is the jet lag or depression or a combination, but I have been struggling with sadness, sleeping a lot and feeling the urge to smoke again. I'll get in bed at 6pm and sleep until 6am. It's been 7 weeks since I smoked. I wonder if being an addict feels like this, because my brain tries to trick me by saying, "What does it matter if you start smoking again and die a few years younger than you would have?", or "I can always smoke again and stop again".
I had a job interview on Monday and should hear something by next week. I know that a lot of my problem is not having a job. I keep thinking I should continue to look for something that I want to do full-time, long term, rather than just take any job to have something to do until I find something else, but I'm rethinking that for my mental health.
Today is J's birthday, he's 22. He hasn't called me since Christmas Day. I went and bought another $20 phone card for him this week. Each 15 min. call is $2.00 and basically he calls his father, his girlfriend and me. He said he's trying to make each card last and that his girlfriend was supposed to buy a card. It concerns me that his girlfriend is still waiting for him. I read what Lou said in one of her comments, that anytime a girlfriend waits it's usually not a good situation. She was doing drugs with him before he went to jail and I don't know what her status is now.
I'll get to see him around January 9th and he's allowed to have 2 visitors. He can 2 visitors once a week. I told my husband that he will probably want me and his girlfriend to come the first time. Nothing against him, but they aren't that close so it makes sense. Of course, its up to him who he wants to see.
I'm trying to live in the moment and not think too much about what the future will bring. Also, I continue to pray that J is in God's hands and everything is as it should be!
My husband and I went to see the movie "Avatar" a couple of days ago in 3-D and it was great. I highly recommend it!
We're supposed to go with my brother and his wife to a party tonight - probably around 30 people and it's only a 15-20 min. drive. Tomorrow, we're going on a 7 mile hike with about 35 people that is a 1 1/2 hr. drive from here.
My prayers are with my family, friends and the following people (I hope I didn't leave anyone out):
Barbara and Keven; Renee and Zach; Lisa and Bryan; Annette and daughter; Madison and family; Chailatte and son; Mom and Heather; Lou and Andrew; Cheri and family; Tall Kay; Steve in Fl.; Debbie and Son; Dad, Mom and Son; and Bill and Son.
Gratitude:
J is safe and sober
Free Will
My mother
Love
Happy New Year and Peace, Love, and Joy to all of you!!
7 comments:
Oh Sherry, I'm sorry you're feeling down and like smoking. I'm sure the jet lag has something to do with the sleeping a lot. 9 days till you see J is something to look forward to.
I hear you on the job situation. I am at the point where I will take almost anything - yet on the other hand I've been grateful to have the flexibility to do all this running around for Keven.
Hate to say it, but the girlfriend things scares me too. Do you know her well? Can you discuss it with her?
Happy New Year to you, dear Sherry!!!! Have fun at your party and on your hike!
I think that you're willing to go to a party and go on a long hike is a good thing. Jet lag and the holidays (and is it cold where you are too???) may be a lot of it.
I hope you find the job that fits for you - and just like J is in God's hands, I'm sure He's got an eye on you as well!
I'm the last person who should give advice on not smoking - so I won't! But I think it HAS to be the same way addicts feel. Hang in there if you can - or you can be like me getting a lecture from the 20something male hygienist at the dentist's today!
Wishing you peace for the new year :)
I quit smoking twice and it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was depressed after quitting, it is a loss so you kind of mourn it if that makes sense? You have come this far though and what a great thing to do for yourself and your family! I just know that the right job will come your way, maybe this new year will be the year you get the job of your dreams, never know:) My son's girlfriend waited and she didn't use pills or anything, but she was an enabler and drank socially. It never was a good thing, but then again, my son wasn't ever ready to quit. All you can do it pray about it and give it to God. Sounds like you are fighting that depression with the party and the hike, plus I am sure that jet lag has a lot to do with it, plus the not smoking. I pray all of our new year will be filled with peace and joy. Renee
Barbara - I do know J's girlfriend well - but since she has lied to me in the past, I don't trust her.
Heather's Mom - I just got back from the hike and feel a lot better - it was a high of 22 degrees today, but we dressed for it.
Renee - Thanks for the encouragement - it's funny - I haven't felt like smoking at all today.
Sherry, I had a recovering cocaine addict try to explain to me what it was like to quit drugs by asking if I ever quit smoking. Well, yes, I said, a few times. He told me to magnify how difficult that was by 10 and then understand that is how difficult it is for addicts to maintain a drug-free life. Not sure if that's true. But, that made me realize the fight being faced each day by some of the folks we love so much.
Re: my comment about girlfriends or boyfriends waiting. If they had a bf/gf before they went to jail, I guarantee that person was using. If you are doing drugs, you do NOT have a sober gf/bf. So, that gf/bf has plenty of their own problems. An addict trying to get sober, doesn't need to be working a relationship, especially with someone who has their own huge issues. AA recommends no relationships in the first year of sobriety for these reasons.
If he is clean, but has a relationship with someone still using, he will start using. Read the blogs of brokenhearted moms, you will see this true over and over.
I hope you can find some support to take care of yourself. It makes me sad that you are taking on so much of the suffering.
OBOY, Sherry! From the lofty perch of "step-father-of-a-79-day-clean-and-sober-daughter-age-28" --grin!...I feel qualified to say THIS:
Pay close attention to the words of Lou, Madison, and Mom of opiate, and others who've been there--done that. They KNOW! And, as YOU know, God talks through those whom He has gifted with like-sufferings.
I'm done...AMEN!
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