J called me Saturday evening to apologize for his paperwork oversight relating to our visit. He sounded very uptight again, so I asked him how he was feeling. He said depressed. He said you don't know what I am going through in here. The last time we spoke he said his girlfriend's cell phone was turned off (permanently) and he wanted me to call her home phone while he was waiting to see what was going on. I agreed and she answered. She said to have him call her father's cell phone. Anyway, Saturday evening he said he couldn't understand why she didn't call me so that I could let J know the next time I spoke with him. I hate to see him hurt, so instead of doing the right thing (saying nothing), I said "You can't expect her to wait for you" and at that point he said he didn't want to talk about it.
He gave me more detail as to what it was like there. They aren't allowed to go on their bunk bed to read and that the community room is always loud, with the T.V. blaring, and people being paged on the loud speaker constantly. I know that anxiety/depression runs in my family and I had never thought that J had that problem, but am beginning to realize that it could be a large part of his problem. Recently, I was thinking his anxiety stemmed from the drug use or lack of drug use, but it may have nothing to do with that.
During our conversation, I tried to make him feel better by reminding him that he gets out at the end of March, but it didn't seem to help. I feel badly that I contributed to making him feel worse by most likely reinforcing what he was already worried about - his girlfriend not waiting for him. I also have been thinking about when he does get out - what the right things to say/do are and realized that I need to talk to someone. Every time I try to talk to my husband about it, he tries to fix it and interrupts me at some point with his opinions etc. I explain to him that sometimes I just want to vent and have someone listen and perhaps reassure me and he said, "I thought this was a two-way conversation". He said that J need to hear me say "Buck up and be a man".
I made an appointment with a social worker/counselor that specializes in addiction and family issues. I go on Friday. I know that God is watching over J and that I don't need to be worried, but God gave me a brain and I realize I need more guidance.
Also, I wanted to thank everyone for their last comments about me seeming to have balance in my life. That made me feel good and I truly appreciate all of you!
6 comments:
I have been finding great comfort in going to Al-Anon meetings. You are doing the right thing by getting a private counselor for yourself. At least not to have to worry about everything you say to J. B/c I don't think you have as much responsibility as you seem to feel for how he reacts to what you say.
That community room makes me bonkers just thinking about it from your description (I'm one of those people who can't write emails and listen to music at the same time!). Your thinking that the anxiety may have nothing to do with the drug abuse sounds reasonable to me. Just because someone has diabetes doesn't mean they can't also have panic attacks and carpal tunnel for example.
I hope your appointment Friday goes well and you get some relief :)
God bless.
A lot to think about here.
First, it's jail. My son always tried to make me feel like he was in hell too. The food sucks, it's crowded, there are too many rules, the beds are uncomfortable--and the last straw is that noisy day room! Do not let your son make YOU feel bad because he put himself in jail.
Good for you knowing that you need help. Good for you learning the skills to stop running in circles. If you keep doing that, 5 years from now you will one day notice the repetition.. using, jail, clean time, probation, losing license, using, jail, clean time, rehab, clean time, using, jail.
The girlfriend, the cell phone games, I've played that too. Now I know it is not my problem.
I am glad you are going to a counselor, I'd be all over that if I had the money for one. J reminds me a lot of K. I guess all addicts have similar traits. K's anxiety and depression reached an all time high when he got to rehab and settled in. It took about three weeks and then all of a sudden he was a wreck and now is on meds. I think a lot of addicts start using to cover up the depression and/or anxiety they have...but others believe the drugs cause the anxiety. I honestly don't know. Please keep taking care of you and try to remember your husband is a man so he is going to be irritating at times like they all are (joke...sort of). You're in my thoughts. I've had lots of prayer time the last few days sitting at Ants bedside, I prayed for all of our kids and all of us today.....
Sherry, #1 Manipulation: when I was in boarding school, I wrote home the same things that J is saying and hoped to God to get some sympathy, to see if somehow I could manipulate the situation to my advantage. If J doesn't do drugs, he probably won't have these problems. He's in total control and 100% responsible for all his complaints. #2 Manipulation: well, if I can't get my drug of choice, maybe I can get these folks to prescribe me a mulititude of other drugs. Yes, I'm feeling very anxious! Help, I need drugs. #3: No matter what we say, no matter what we do, when we walk away from a conversation with an addict, we feel bad, sad, guilty, frustrated, worried - until we stop letting addiction control us. #4: If you can't reach your girlfriend because you're in jail, oh well. #5: Your husband has a point.
It's so easy to get sucked into the swirling spiral - until you refuse to do it any more. I found some peace by reading books about addiction and talking to doctors and listening to the concepts in Alanon. One day, they all made sense. They all said the same thing. It is only the addict who is confused.
Sorry for the long comment. If we were writing a half hour show starring J as the addict, we could write every word that comes out of his mouth. When J starts to walk toward recovery, all the words will begin to change.
Heather's Mom, Lou, Barbara and Madison:
As I was reading some of the comments, I was thinking mostly they're right, but at times I was thinking, they don't know all of the details. Maybe the details don't matter, but for example: J doesn't complain unless I ask him a specific question, he hasn't said anything to me about trying to get medication -I don't think they are allowed to have it in there. I realize that J is very smart and perhaps he knows me so well that he realizes I will ask.
I have been feeling better the last couple of days. I did yoga last night and that helped. Thanks ladies and have a great day!
Sherry,
I'm sorry I've been so out of touch lately. We traveled in December, and I've been trying to get back to normal since we returned home. BTW, what's normal?
I am glad you are going to get some counseling. I think it will help tremendously.
As the ladies above have shared, addicts are masters at manipulation, even when what they are sharing with you is based in truth. It is good to move slowly when responding. If J is anything like my C, his mood can change dramatically from moment to moment.
Though C has been drug-free for three and a half years now, I still see that anxiety you are seeing in J. I refer to it as "being restless." When I see that trait kicked into high gear in my son, my warning flags begin flying at high mast again. Like you said, it is a trait common to those who struggle with addiction, quite possibly something that was part of their make-up before addiction even entered the picture. It's hard to say.
Wayne and I are keeping all of you in our prayers. I found that one of the hardest times for me was when C was nearing "getting out," oddly enough. There was a sense of safety and continuity when he was in the rehab... who knew what was coming when he got out? We pray specifically that J will make his peace with God. It is only since C committed his heart to the Lord that he has been able to take that restlessness to Him and be soothed.
BTW, C did go back to college. At last report, he made the dean's list! I pray that J might do the same thing. C was 21 when he went back!
Stay encouraged,
Cheri
Post a Comment