At Peace

Mom passed away last night around 10pm.  I feel peaceful and relieved that she is free.  I created a video to show at the memorial service and if you'd like to watch it...click on the photo above.  Thanks for all of your thoughts, prayers and support!

Sending peace, love and joy!

Self-inflicted punishment

Since I last posted on Friday, Mom has gone downhill quickly.  She sleeps most of the time, can barely swallow or talk and has been in pain.  The Nurse gave me liquid morphine to administer and that has helped.  When the Nurse came yesterday (Monday), she said that it's amazing how much she has deteriorated since Thursday.  She thinks she may only have days left and asked if I wanted her to die here or at hospice.  I told her I didn't care.  Later I asked Mom and she said she wasn't sure.  I've made the decision today (Tuesday) to have her transferred.

On Sunday, my younger brother came over and took care of her all day while my husband, son and one of his friends and I went boating.  It was nice to get away.  I gave him a lot of instructions before leaving for her care.  When we returned, before going inside I went on the back deck where she likes to be and found her with a look of helplessness on her face.  She had the fan blowing directly on her and it had cooled off outside.  She was freezing.  I put socks on her and covered her up.  My brother said she had complained about being in pain quite a bit, so without calling me, he cut a time released morphine pill in half, gave that to her at 1:30pm with two percocets and then gave her the same amounts at 7pm just before we arrived home.  You're not supposed to cut time released medicines in half because the medicine is not time released.  After he left I asked my Mom if he took pretty good care of her and she said yes, but he kept making her eat and that upset her.  She can't eat much because of the tumor in her stomach...no wonder she was in pain.

Anyway, yesterday her sister came over and cried a few times.  She said Mom looks horrible.  Much worse than her mother before she went into the hospital 10 days before she passed from cancer.  After she left, I got a chocolate bar and asked Mom if she'd like some and it's the most animated I've seen her in a while.  So she ate half a bar.

Mom said she has asked God for forgiveness of her sins, particularly for having slept with a man while she was married.  To give a little background...my father told me when I was 16 years old that he didn't think my older brother (the alcoholic) was his son.  I've asked my mother a few times through the years if he was (assuring her that I wouldn't pass judgment if she'd made a mistake) and she always said that he was.  I believe, due to her guilt, that she has allowed him to control her entire life and felt that she deserved whatever happened.  I told her that if that was the worst mistake/sin that she has made, then she's a saint.  It's just very sad!

Finding Humor While Patience is Tested

The last few days have been very difficult.  Because of the trauma of being neglected and abused, my mother has needed constant attention.  Every 10 minutes during the day she needs something…her feet down, more ice chips, a mirror, something to eat, a different pillow, to go to the bathroom (which entails me lifting her, holding her with one arm while pulling down her pants, shifting her body over the porta potty and lowering her),  etc. etc.   My husband and son help when they can, but my husband wrenched his back the first day.

I bought a medical chair/bed that is a godsend.  She slept in it the 2^nd night since it fully reclines and is on rollers, with side tables.  Because she is on morphine and her body is very weak,  most of the time she smokes a cigarette, she is unsafe with it, nodding off, but very insistent and stubborn about smoking it.  The third night, she wanted a nicotine patch on, since I told her she can’t smoke while I’m sleeping.  Big Mistake!!  It wired her and she didn’t sleep at all.  My son stayed up with her until 2:30, when my husband woke me and said he heard them on the deck.  I went out and took over.  After getting her to bed, she used the call button three more times.  Once, because she was freezing, once to go to the bathroom and then so that I would put her in the roller chair.  The nurse and case manager came over yesterday and gave me some Ativan to help her sleep.  She is sleeping now…12 hours so far.

I now have her in diapers because she was soiling her clothes.  Her bed sores are getting better and since her feet have been elevated, the swelling in her legs/feet is gone.

My patience was severely tested the last couple of days because of the lack of sleep, her buzzing me constantly (once just to ask me what I was doing! urggg), and the manipulation she employs.  My son asked me if having a baby is this difficult, because if it is, he doesn’t want any kids.  I told him that it wasn’t this difficult!

Yesterday, after my mother used the porta potty on the deck, my dog got a hold of one of her feces and was making a meal out of it, while I’m trying to get her back on the chair.  My mother was totally grossed out and I just laughed!  Then an hour later, I come outside and mom is starting to vomit, so I put a plate under her to get sick on.  She drops her false teeth on it and I get to clean it all up!

I called my brother to see if he could help out some, perhaps one day this weekend and he said he and his wife had plans to clean out her mother’s garage as a late Mother’s Day gift, but he’d see what he could do.  I told him I really need some help, that he needs to step up to the plate, and that all of my plans have gone out the window.  He said if I’m going to get crappy about it…I said calmly that I’m not getting crappy….I just need a little help desperately!

I know that everything changes and that things will get better!

God Intersedes

I had decided to kidnap my mother from her abusive situation and had a plan in place, but God interseded.  I called Hospice and told them what I was going to do...the on-call nurse was very supportive and confident with my plan.  She said she'd say a prayer for us.  I called my mother a couple of times yesterday (Monday) and she finally answered about 1:15pm and said she had just called 911 because she was wedged between the dresser and her bed trying to get out of bed to use the bedside potty.  She had been calling my brother on her phone and screaming for him, but he didn't respond.  I told her she was coming to live with me and that R (my husband) and I would be coming to pick her up.  I called the police and they met us there.  It took about 20 minutes to gather up some of her things while the police were there.  In the car on the way home she said that before the paramedics could get there my brother woke up...came in...picked her up and threw her on the bed, saying..."You woke me up, you fucking bitch".  Then proceeded to shake her repeatedly and pinch her.

Since she's been home, I've been attending to her all day and night.  Fixing food, getting her ice chips to suck on, setting up a movie on my I-pad for her to watch outside on the deck, giving her a shower, dispensing her medicine, doing laundry, bandaging her leg that is oozing liquid and other wounds, lifting and carrying her from wheelchair to toilet to shower to bed to toilet, etc.  She's still awake now at 3:30.  We provided her with a walkie talkie to hit a call button when she needs to and she's woken me three times since midnight.  I'm going to go lay down with her until she goes to sleep.  She keeps apologizing for the hardship and I tell her that I love her and want her to be as comfortable as possible and that knowing she was being abused was torture for me.  My husband and son have been helping also.

Death Will Set Her Free

The situation that my mother is in right now is nothing short of appalling!  I feel like I'm living a nightmare right now...but somehow I'm accepting it.  She has deteriorated in the past five days to not being able to walk on her own.  I went over to her apartment on Tuesday to give her a shower and my alcoholic brother started an argument with me.  He kept running up to me with his fist raised and screaming at me to get out of his apartment.  He was within inches of my face and one of his eyes was completely bloodshot...I felt like I was looking into the face of the devil!  I called 911 and the police came.  They couldn't do anything since he didn't hit me.

I called my mother that day at noon to make sure she was awake so I could come and asked her if she'd been out of bed yet.  She said no...that J (the alcoholic brother) was still asleep in the living room.  I asked if she needed to go to the bathroom...she said yes, but that she could wait until I got there.  She called me on the way and said that he had gone out to get them something to eat but she didn't want to ask him to take her to the restroom because he was in a foul mood, cursing and yelling about having to take care of her.   The day before he had taken the phone from Mom when I was speaking with her and was complaining that when he lifts her to place her on the toilet she clings to the wall and that bothers him.  I said, "Why don't you have her go to hospice for five days to give you a break or she can come stay with me."  He said, "I don't need a break and she doesn't want to live with you or go to hospice".

Anyway, when I arrived my brother said, "You know Mom doesn't want to live with you or go to hospice."  I said, "I know...but that could change soon".  He got upset and said he wouldn't allow her to and I said, "Are you her boss?"  He said, "Yes, I am" and that's when he became enraged.  I left right after the police did and my brother said, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass".

I spoke with her Nurse yesterday and filled her in...she said Mom has been telling her some things and that she thought I would be calling.  She set up an aide to come in 3 times a week and yesterday I had my cousin go over.  I found out the social worker, the nurse and my cousin were all there at the same time.  While they were there, my brother stayed in my mom's bedroom and they had to call his cell phone (that my mom pays for) to speak with him...how bizarre is that?  Everyone knows she's being abused...but because she wants it that way...nothing is being done to change it.

They discovered a bedsore on her and told him he needs to make sure she lays on her side some of the time.  He said he can't watch her 24/7.  Mom said she fell out of bed trying to get to the bathroom while he was sleeping yesterday and they had to bandage a sore on her leg.

Now I can't safely go over to see my dying mother and she rarely calls me because he gets upset when she does.  My mother is so co-dependent and worried about being able to smoke when she wants that she's willing to continue the last month of her life in this horrible situation.  This makes me repulsed with both of them and very sad.

I am praying for her quick death!  I know I can't control this...perhaps that is why I'm dealing with it as well as I am.

The Butterfly Effect

 When you feel powerless or insignificant...just remember that every thing you say, do, and think has an effect upon the world!  Each time you have kind words to say, a smile for someone, or a positive thought about yourself or someone else...you've changed the course of the world!  How powerful is that?

I took these photos at a Butterfly Exhibition yesterday and decided to research the history of butterflies.

 According to Wikipedia, The Butterfly Effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions; where a small change at one place in a nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state. For example, the presence or absence of a butterfly flapping its wings could lead to creation or absence of a hurricane.

Rather than feeling helpless during difficult situations in our lives and of those we love, we need to remember that we have more control/power than we've ever imagined.  Realizing that we can't and shouldn't control others...only ourselves is the key!

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."

 

 Sending thoughts of peace, love, and joy!

Peace in the Face of Death

(Photo courtesy of Nat'l Geographic)

As each day goes by, my mother approaches her impending death from Stage IV cancer…with acceptance.  We talk about death and what both of us envision after life will be like.  Although she has rarely gone to Church, she believes in God and Jesus and hopes that she will be with relatives that have already departed.  Her life has been difficult, having grown up very poor, one of eleven children, and having gone through most of life’s greatest stresses…divorce, the chronic illness and death of her second husband and most of her siblings and parents, and many more of life’s disappointments.

I think about what it will be like once she’s gone, when I forget and want to call her on the telephone and realize…she won’t answer.  Grinning, she says, “Once I’m gone, if you feel fingertips brushing your arm, it will be me”.  You see, she’s been the type of mother that would do anything in her power to protect her children, blurring the line between motherly nurturing and co dependence.

She tells me the same story every week of when I was little and looked up from my stroller and said, “Me push Mommy, let me push”, and of how independent I was, even then.

I am proud of the grace that she is showing during this process and realize I am my mother’s daughter.

Travel Therapy

The following is an article I'm going to submit for a contest and would like constructive criticism.  The following questions should be answered:

Have you been particularly enlightened, surprised or changed by a travel experience? Why do you travel?

Travel Therapy

My anticipation and excitement mounted as the plane landed in Cairo, Egypt.  Although I had traveled quite extensively in comparison to many Americans and lived in Germany while in the military, this 18-day trip to Egypt and Jordan would be my first encounter with a foreign and exotic culture.  Having left my career earlier that year to take care of my ill mother and with the knowledge that my 21-year-old beautiful, talented and intelligent son was battling the demon of drug addiction, I was eager to lose myself exploring far away lands.  This would be the first of three journeys that I embarked upon in 2009. 

It was easy to forget while squinting my eyes against the bright, penetrating eastern sun to gaze at the immense Pyramids; walking in the footsteps of Moses to the top of Mt. Sinai to witness the sunset; or floating weightless in the Dead Sea.  It was easy to forget as I danced with the Bedouin people of the Wadi Rum desert, in the swirling smoke filled tent, my blood pulsing with the rhythmic beat of their instruments; having my skin rubbed raw in a steam filled Turkish bath house, or losing myself amidst the towering rose colored, carved monuments of the lost city of Petra.

A few weeks later, it was easy to forget while hiking the ancient Inca Trail to the mysterious and sacred city of Machu Picchu, where the spirits dwell among the stone buildings; playing soccer with local Peruvians on an island of the brilliant deep blue Lake Titicaca; and feasting on sweet, moist pancakes prepared over an open fire, as a guest in a local family’s home.

My son was in a court ordered outpatient rehab program, but it wasn’t enough.  Later that year, I found him passed out on the floor of his bedroom and called a crisis hotline.  He spent three months in jail and six months in a lock down rehab and I read everything I could concerning addiction, co-dependence, and enabling.  I started a blog and reached out to other hurting parents and became one of many that received and gave comfort and support.  I prayed for myself, my son, and the other tormented parents and their children.  I wondered how could this happen to us?  How does a straight A, star athlete become a drug addict?  

My final trip was to Thailand, Laos and Vietnam in December.  The elaborate temples, invigorating Thai massages, and an overnight stay on a boat off the shores of Vietnam, within the spectacular seascapes of Halong Bay, were salves for my anguished heart.

I arrived back home on Christmas Eve, having taken the opportunity to “Let go and Let God”, and thereby relinquished any preconceived notion of control over the fate of my precious son.  We weathered the storm and my son is now on the Deans List at a local community college.

Travel provided an escape from the soul wrenching spectacle of addiction, time to heal, the opportunity to see amazing sites, meet new friends, learn about different cultures, and best of all…to empower myself. 

Never give up hope and never stop traveling!

 

Final Roadtrip

I'm glad to be home from the trip!  My mother didn't seem to derive much enjoyment from it, other than the warm weather.  She complained about most everything...which is her nature anyway...but I understand that she is depressed and doesn't feel well.  When you're around someone like that for an extended period of time, it seems to suck the life right out of you. 

My younger brother came for a few days and the three of us went to Ft. Myers beach one day, Sanibel Island beach another day, out to eat a couple of times, saw the movie Red Riding Hood, and my brother took her to TJ Maxx to look around.  The nerve neuropathy in her feet was particularly painful and her stomach was starting to hurt periodically, so I was going to take her to an Urgent Care, but they were closed, so we went to the emergency room.  I asked my brother to research where the closest pharmacies were, in case her doctor at home could call something in, but he couldn't across state lines.  My brother stayed at the condo watching basketball.  We were there almost four hours and the doctor prescribed an opiate for her. 

We were driving home about 12 midnight and I called my brother, who was still up to see if he would mind driving to the pharmacy once we returned, to fill the prescription.  He said, "You're driving right by one, why can't you?"  I explained that the hospital told me that there were two 24 hr. pharmacies open, but they were on a different road than where I would be.  He finally agreed to, but we ended up taking a wrong turn and passed by one, so I stopped to fill it.  When we arrived at the condo, I asked my brother if he had started the dishwasher, so we'd have clean dishes for breakfast and he said, "No, but we can start it now, can't we?"  I said, "Yes, you could start it now" and he then went off on me saying that I have an attitude problem, that he didn't appreciate it and couldn't understand what was wrong.  I told him why I seemed to have an attitude problem...that after spending four hours at the emergency room, I didn't think it was too much to ask for him to go to the pharmacy, that was 5 minutes away, so that Mom didn't have to wait in the car for another 10-15 minutes at midnight.  He didn't understand my thinking and said that "I can act like such a bitch" and began opening/closing all of the cupboards in the kitchen looking for the dishwashing detergent, while ranting/raving...saying over and over, "where is the dishwashing detergent" in between telling me how obnoxious I am!  He recently went back to school to get a Masters in counseling and is a licensed therapist....a little scary!  He apologized the next day.

I also have a greater understanding of codependency and the cycle of domestic violence from my week with mom.  She agreed to keep her phone turned off, so that my alcoholic brother couldn't harass her, but she did speak with him twice on the trip.  She has options so that she doesn't need to return to that situation, but she insists on doing so.  Her father abused her mother, her husband abused her and now her son abuses her.  I believe that she needs IT in her life.  By the end, she was quite hateful to me at times and I brought it to her attention.  I asked if I'm the only one she treats like that (other than my alcoholic brother) and she said yes.  I made the point that if she can control it with others, then she can choose to control it with me.  It seems she was going through withdrawals from being treated nicely instead of poorly.  She also apologized to me.

While driving home, she made the comment that she is bitter and resentful that she never had a home and I made the point that many people don't own their homes, the banks do.  And compared to some of the world, she lives like a queen.  She disagrees.  Whenever I talk about being grateful for what we do have, she doesn't like to hear it!

I am so grateful that I have the ability to be grateful!

What son beats his dying mother??

My brother beat my mother today.  She was lying in bed and he hit her on both arms.

She's been waiting for the title of her car to arrive in the mail since she paid it off, so that she could put it in his name before she dies.  She's been calling them because it's been a week since they mailed it.  I called them today and found out they sent it to the wrong address.  I knew my brother would be upset, so I suggested to Mom that while he was sleeping today (since he usually stays up all night), that I could come pick her up so she could spend the night here before we left for Florida tomorrow.  I told her she could smoke in the office,  so she wouldn't get cold outside, but she said she'd wait until tomorrow.  Later in the day, she said when she was trying to tell him that if the title came while we were gone, my younger brother could sign for her since he has a Power of Attorney.  He became enraged and told her she wasn't going anywhere and hit her.

I called my husband and he left work to meet me at her place.  I called the Police, so there wouldn't be any trouble.  They went in with us and one spoke to my Mom and the other to my brother.  My brother said my mother was trying to hit him, so her wounds were from him trying to stop her.  One of the officers asked what she wanted to do.  She said nothing.  I thought they were supposed to arrest someone if they assault another person.  It's unbelievable!  Later, my husband told me that one of the officers told him that he thought my mother took bandages off of her two wounds to make it look like they were fresh!

I feel alone in this!  My younger brother (who is a counselor) doesn't step up to the plate.  When my son heard about it (he was at school), he called the police department and one of the officers said that mom admitted to hitting my brother, that's why they didn't take him in.  I heard her say she was kicking at him to get him to stop.

Picture this....a 105 lb. woman dying from cancer (who can barely stand up) hurting a 200 lb. man!!

She's here now.  I am trying not to think about it...I'm too angry!

Comfort

My mother would like to go somewhere warm before she dies, so we'll be leaving in a couple of days to drive down to Ft. Myers, Florida.  A friend has a 2 bed/bath condo that she has graciously offered to us.  We'll split the drive into two days and stop south of Atlanta the first evening.  Mom sleeps a lot, so hopefully she'll sleep for most of the drive.  She's supposed to start a pill form of Chemo that has the least amount of side effects, but she's scared to start it and at best it would prolong her life by perhaps 6-9 months.  My younger brother will probably fly down on Friday and stay until Monday.

My older brother has stopped harassing her, mainly because she paid off her car and will be putting it into his name as soon as the title arrives in the mail.  I'm grateful for many things: that I have time to spend with her before she dies; that we have the opportunity to take her to the beach; and that she's not in pain (other than the nerve neuropathy in her feet)!

I have peace knowing that she is in God's hands and will be free from all things physical...soon!

Trying to retain Peace in the face of Chaos

My mother has been diagnosed with Stage IV Cancer.  She's been losing weight...down to 107 lbs. from 130 a year ago.  A Cat Scan revealed a mass in her esophagus and 5 lumps on/in her liver.  Today she underwent an endoscopy and they took a sample from the mass.  The doctor seemed nervous as he approached to give us the results.  He said he knows its cancer even though they won't have the test results back for a week.  I spoke with the nurse after my mother left with my brother.  She said that I seemed to be taking it well.  I told her that I had already began grieving because I didn't think she would be alive much longer.  She also didn't think mom had much longer to live...perhaps 6 weeks.  Tomorrow she'll get a Pet Scan to see where else the cancer has spread.  She's had a giant aneurysm in her head for a couple of years that hasn't burst yet and 9 months ago she broke both arms in a fall.

The chaos lies within the codependent relationship she has with my brother who is 55 years old and living with her.  He is an alcoholic.  She recently moved from the senior citizen apartment that I found for her, where she allowed my brother to live with her...which was against their rules.  He would come and go from the side entrance to stay hidden.  Some of the residents were complaining that they thought he was living there, so the Manager called me and asked if he was.  Initially, I stayed out of it, but during the time she was in a nursing home for a month after she broke her arm, I called the Manager and told him the truth.  To keep it anonymous, he used the excuse of checking on their cat to enter the apartment and told my brother he had to leave.  My brother stayed with his only friend for a couple of nights, then my mother gave him money to stay in a cheap hotel for a couple of weeks.  During this time, he found a job through a temp agency and he kept the job until they let people go right after Christmas.

 The good that came from this was that he now knows he can get a job on his own!  Mom found a way to get him back in her apartment.  She had her doctor send a form to the Apt. Manager stating that she needed around the clock care and it would come from him.  Unfortunately, he reverted back to his old ways after the job ended and began sleeping most of the day and staying up at night.  This meant my mother had to creep around quietly during the day, so that he wouldn't yell at her.  After her arms healed sufficiently, the Manager gave my brother one day to move out again.  So, my mother made the decision to find an apartment, that she can't afford, so that he could live with her.  He wouldn't let my other brother or me help her move, so she did most of the work (packing/unpacking) herself.

He continues to emotionally/mentally abuse her, mostly by yelling/complaining about me to her.  He is resentful that when my father passed away in 2006, he only received a small monetary amount compared to myself and my brother.  Why he blames me for this...who knows.  He'll call her names, "whore", "cunt", etc.  Even now that she is dying...he continues to harrass her.  Filling out forms at the doctor's office, one of the questions was, "Are you experiencing depression".  She said, "Oh, Yes".  I picked her up to spend the weekend with me, took her out for lunch, gave her a jacuzzi bath, a massage and tried to get her to eat/drink healthy foods.  I bought her two new pairs of pants and a shirt, since she's lost weight.  I asked her if she was afraid of dying.  She said kind of, but also not really.  She believes in God and our spirits living.

I arranged for a family reunion at my house on Saturday.  We had about 30 people come.  My husband taught people to shoot his new bow/arrow, gave people a ride on his tractor and everyone enjoyed spending time with Mom.  My thoughts were, why wait until someone dies to get together at the funeral!

My brother called my Mom Sat. morning drunk.  He woke her up and started in on her.  He'll say things like, "Once you die, I know Sherry will take your car."  She has a Will leaving him everything (which has dwindled to nothing but her car).  It made me feel depressed and saddened that there can be such dysfunction in the world.  It brought back memories of the year she lived with me in 2009, when the two of them would constantly be on the phone yelling at each other.  I feel guilty for hoping that she dies soon, so that IT will go away!

During one of the three phone conversations they had in one hour on Saturday, I asked her to hand me the phone, so that I could talk to him.  I asked him why he hates me so much.  We talked for about 10 minutes and I remained calm.  I said, "Do you really want to make her miserable for the remaining months that she'll be alive".  We talked about a lot of issues and I hope it will keep him from abusing her as much.  I realize my mother perpetuates some of this insanity.  She told me on Sunday that when she got home, she was going to tell him what a good time she had and how she was treated like a queen.  She has a hate/love relationship with my brother.  I asked her to not do that, because it would just antagonize him and make him more jealous of me and my attentions towards her.

p.s.  My son has around 19 months clean now (from drugs...he still drinks occasionally) and is doing well in college...he has finals this week.  He just got his full driver's license back and will be released from the program he's been in for over a year very soon.