After having taken a closer look at grief, it occurred to me that as parents of a drug addict, we also go through the 7 stages of grief, as do the addicts themselves…if we allow ourselves to. Sometimes the stages are overlapping and sometimes when we think we’ve reached the end, we find ourselves immersed back in a previous stage.
Unlike a death, where there is an end, when faced with long term active addiction, then sobriety which usually is the result of a crisis...followed by hope...followed by relapse, it’s apparent that reaching the final stage of acceptance is more difficult.
I will list the stages and relate them to my journey through this process.
Shock
Shock initially is the body/mind's way of saving us from the devastating
pain. It numbs our feelings and resembles a living death.
I remember when my son called me at 6am in March of 2008, in a drugged voice, to tell me that he had been charged with a DUI, and had been taking massive quantities of xanax. Of course I was
shocked and continued to be
shocked as each new crisis occurred.
Denial
Denial is our mind's attempt to protect us from reality. This is normal, but if it is prolonged, it prevents recovery, both their's and our's.
I was in
denial until some point during the summer of 2009, even after he was charged with a felony drug possession and other misdemeanors that occurred in March of 2009. Concurrent with this I was dealing with my mother’s serious illness in December of 2008 that resulted in my decision to leave my career, move her in with me so that I could take care of her, and remarrying my ex-husband in January of 2009.
Anger
We are
angry with them for the things that they say and do…or don’t say and do,
angry with ourselves for what we did not do to save them…or what we did do, or
angry with God for allowing this to happen.
Anger begins to dissipate when we are able to forgive ourselves and others, create boundaries and stick to them and when we understand that most people will think or even say hurtful things because they are not educated about addiction and may possibly be unhappy with their current set of circumstances.
At first glance, I couldn’t remember much
anger, but in retrospect, initially I was
angry before I even knew that he was an addict, because he had been given much in life: talent, intellect, love, material things and in return he was lazy, unmotivated, and at times manipulative and disrespectful.
My hopes, dreams and expectations for him were not coming to fruition.
I was
angry and feeling very unappreciated after putting my life on hold, to be available to chauffeur him to court, to random drug tests, to court ordered out patient pre-phase drug rehab, to NA meetings, etc. etc., while he was unmotivated to job hunt, help around the house, forging NA meeting attendance slips, etc. etc. I was
angry that I allowed him to manipulate me, show disrespect and vent his anger at me.
I’ve been
angry and hurt because others don’t give the support that I need…because they don’t understand.
Angry that society and even some of those close to us think that they deserve what they get because as one of my son’s attorneys’s said, “He’s just an f---ing drug addict”!
Bargaining
Where was God in all of this. I’ve done my share of
bargaining with God. I pray for him to be healed. I try to think positively. After calling the police in August of 2009 resulting in J going to jail, I felt that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I would have given up my happiness, if only he would be healed. I’ll be a better Christian, I’ll read the bible, and I’ll help everyone I can...if only you save my son!
This is where
co-dependency enters the picture. Are we that attached to our child’s well-being that we are willing to deprive ourselves, beat ourselves up emotionally and even die for them?
Guilt
There is a human tendency to blame ourselves when something happens to a loved one. We take some degree of responsibility for our child’s welfare. We question ourselves for a period of time and this is normal, but I believe this is where many parents get stuck and with that realization, we can move through this stage towards healing.
Guilt continued to reappear occasionally and as I said in my last post, I would think about every event, word or “mistake”, as it applies to me or others in my son’s life to make sense of things. Much of my
guilt related to the
denial that I went through, which ultimately prolonged the
enabling that I was participating in.
Depression (aka “Pain and Sorrow”)
Pain and sorrow are the core feelings of
grief and usually are evident throughout all of the stages. We need to experience the
pain and sorrow fully to be capable of moving on and until we’ve comes to terms with the previous stages, we’re not able to feel the full intensity of the
pain and sorrow.
When we struggle against the stages, they become more powerful and take longer to work through.
I usually cry every day for a few minutes. When I was younger I used to think that crying was a form of weakness and very rarely cried. I’ve cried more in the past six months than at any other time. I believe that this is important for my recovery.
Acceptance
Once we’ve worked through the other stages, and the
pain and sorrow is not as intense as it was, we accept the reality of the situation and feel a sense of “
letting go”. This is the “
detach with love” phase. We may feel that we are fine for a while and then
fear takes over our thoughts when a relapse occurs, or if we haven’t seen our child or know where they are at, or smaller
fears when we worry that what we say or do may trigger a relapse.
“
Taking care of ourselves” throughout the stages is important for recovery. If we don’t feel well physically, it’s more difficult to heal emotionally. We’ve all heard it: exercise, eat healthy, get enough rest; nurture ourselves with small treats, i.e. massage, manicure, lunch with a friend, a concert, and of course Naranon/Alanon, reading, blogging, therapy etc.
The most important piece to our recovery is to have a
spiritual foundation, a place within you where there is peace and security. This takes different forms for everyone. Some of the stages of grieving, particularly
anger, take you away from your feelings of
love, but in order to “
let go”, we need to keep our focus on
love which forces us to face the
pain, but ultimately sets us
free!
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