A day at the beach...

Bright yellow warmth spreads through her body while

coconut fragrance lingers in the unrelenting breeze

The shifting bed welcomes her as she is caressed by the whispering surges of fluid energy

Blinded temporarily by the infinite stretch of blue...

Her senses awaken when the cold, sweet liquid

trickles down her throat and freezes all thought

Go see Mr. G if you'd like to play

@ g-man

(he knowsitall and counts 'em all too!)

A bit of humor...more drugs....Alanon

My son's birthday was in December and after it had passed, my mother asked me if the "lockdown rehab" had a birthday party for him...when I shared this with my son he had a good laugh!!

In yoga class yesterday, the owner of the facility mentioned to the class that she knows that her 17 year old son is smoking pot and that she's not stupid because she used to smoke it when she was younger.  She lives in the most affluent section of our City and told us that there had been a drug bust at the home of one her son's friends.  She shared that they found "oxycontin" among other drugs.  All I said was that it was an epedemic.

I went to my first Alanon meeting Tuesday evening...I had been to a few Naranon meetings months ago.  There were about 12 people in attendance and the topic was grief.  The facilitator spoke for a while about her grandmother having passed away 10 days earlier and then about 5 other people that she didn't know, but were either family or friends of co-workers who had also passed.  There was a man there who was a bit obnoxious and initially I was thinking, "what am I doing here - I prefer to read my blogger friends' thoughts and inspiration", but when I left I realized that I learned more about myself during that hour.  I learned to not make assumptions, to have more compassion, and that there are connections to thoughts and feelings that at first aren't apparent.

I've always felt that I was consistently good and nice to people.  In Melody Beattie's Book, "Beyond Codependency", she addresses the issue of why then do we feel that many people don't treat us the same way.  She explained that people treat us how we are acting towards ourselves.  If you consistently put other people's needs before yours, this is what is reflected back to you.  If you are always protecting other people's feelings rather than honoring yours, others will disregard your feelings as well.  "Relationships are a mirror for our internal life". 

This really rang a bell for me!

Peace, love and joy to all of you today!

Freedom

My husband and I attended a new Church today. “Freedom” was the message. The pastor said, “Total freedom means living completely, fearlessly, passionately and joyfully regardless of your circumstances, not because of them.”


Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom. *2Corinthians 3:17

When you have an addicted child that is homeless, in jail, stealing, dealing drugs, and worse, you wonder, how can I live fearlessly and joyfully? Some moments or days are harder than others, but if we can accept where we are at the moment with our feelings and release the struggle, we’re growing!

Although I have moments almost every day that I cry...from reading something sad on one of the blogs, thinking about the past, or seeing the pain in my son's eyes when I visit him, I am taking action towards recovery.  I've written a list of short term and long term goals, tell myself out loud..."I love you", have started attending Church again, starting Naranon meetings again, etc.

I woke up this morning with the thoughts of "compassion" on my mind...and that was the topic of Peggy's post at http://peglud.wordpress.com/ today!  If you've been following my blog, you'll remember me mentioning that my oldest brother is an alcholic and my mother is his enabler.  His unemployment ran out and he'll be moving into my mother's one bedroom, senior citizen apartment at the end of this month.  He has already sold his furniture.

He hasn't been looking for a job and my mother isn't allowed to have anyone live with her...we're fearful that she may be "kicked out" if they find out.  I've been talking to my husband about how difficult it is to have compassion for him...especially since he has emotionally abused her...and physcially in the past...for years.  I will always lend a helping hand to someone who will help themselves.  I researched homeless shelters in the area and armed her with some phone numbers...just in case she could muster up the courage to force him to "fend for himself", because once she is gone, most likely that is what will happen.

Gratitude for today...

My son is safe and sober
My ability to forgive myself and others easily
The absence of fear

Peace, love and prayers of freedom and compassion for all of us!!

Friday Flash 55 - "The Ascetic Body"

Bending, twisting

her skin moist with sweat

muscles swelling with intensity

Perched and balanced

breathing slow and rhythmic

sometimes, fast and ragged

Solid and fierce, yet supple

Bracing through the ground, then shifting

Each position testing

She stops resisting only to submit

Focused with her power

mind and body surrender

To the peaceful place within

Go see Mr. G if you'd like to play
(he knowsitall and counts 'em all too!)

Breaking Free

I feel that I am making progress in my recovery from co-dependency.  I'm reading Melody Beattie's book, "Beyond Codependency".

I know that I am making progress in my recovery based on the way that I handled a phone call last night from my son (a summary of it is below).  Normally, I would have done what he asked.  I’m recognizing my past pattern of allowing him to manipulate me through guilt and my sense of “what is fair” etc.


J called and we made small talk for a minute. I inquired if his gf was coming Wed. for visitation because we were going to alternate visits. To be able to visit you have to fill out a form and either mail it in or bring it in. You also have to attend an orientation.  Every week there has been an excuse from her to him about both requirements.

He said it was complicated – that the people at the rehab were being rude to her and that they said they haven’t received her paperwork to clear her for visits.  J says since he was allowed to have a visitor right before Christmas (when I was out of the country and he had her come to visit) and they didn’t require the person to have attended orientation for that visit, that she may still be allowed in.

I said I would come Wed. to visit also, if he’d like me to, and he asked me to call her and talk to her about it.  I said I didn’t need to because both of us could visit – he’s allowed two visitors. He said call her anyway, because something might go wrong and she wouldn’t be able to get in and “Couldn’t I do just that one thing for him” and I said “No”.  I said I didn’t need to because if she was late – she wouldn’t be allowed in and if she was on time (and they cleared her), she would.  He said, “Is there anything else you want to talk about?” and I said “well, I guess not”.  He said he’d see me Wed. and I asked him if he still wanted me to come.  He said, “If you want to.”  I could tell he was angry.

Gratitude for today...

J is safe and sober
I don't have to travel in the foot of snow today
I'm beginning to stop second guessing everything I say to J
I can have compassion for my son but not have to fix it for him
Instead of trying to comfort J with the words "Remember, I'm always here for you", I can
  substitute them with "Remember, God is always here for you"!

Peace and love to everyone today!

Family

I had a last minute mini-family reunion at my house on Saturday.  There were about 30 of us...I met my cousins' children and everyone was appreciative of my hosting the get-together!  My mother has been lonely lately and her sisters haven't taken the time to visit her at her new apartment since she moved there a few months ago.  My extended family seems to only get together for funerals and weddings...

No one asked me about J.  I had only confided in three of them about his situation - so I'm assuming they all know - word travels fast!  This relates to a subject that Peggy at http://peglud.wordpress.com/  posted recently entitled, "Supportive Friends?"  She's wondering how friends'/families' words, deeds or behavior help or hurt us as we're struggling with our loved one's addiction.

Other than my mother and husband, the few other family members that know about J's addiction don't bother to check in or send any inspirational e-mails.  I have three close friends and the two that live here always ask how he is when we talk.  I have a few other friends that I call occasionally, but they rarely call me.  Of course, there are the "fakebook friends"...(hee, hee)!!

I don't reach out to people very often for emotional support.  It does hurt when you don't get support after you feel that you've made yourself vulnerable and shared the pain that you/your family are going through.  The comments that I receive on my blog have helped to ease that hurt.  We are lucky to have each other!

Gratitude for today...

J is safe and sober
Earplugs...necessary while husband is watching Nascar
colors...the world would be bland in black n white
family and friends!!

First "Friday Flash 55"

Slowly, softly, tenderly

he strokes my face

caressing my heart

that quivers with heat

Roughly, wildly, boldly

he wields my body

massaging my passion

that smolders with flames

Savoring, feasting, relishing

he captures my spirit

probing my soul

that aches with desire

Slowly, softly, tenderly

I behold his essence

stealing his love

as we release!

Bored to Death "Literally"

My son has always said "He's bored" since he was a child if he wasn't doing something.  When you have a highly intelligent (I may be biased - but he did make straight A's without studying and tested in the top 5% in the nation in Math in 6th grade), somewhat hyperactive child, whose grandfather was a "hoarder" and battled with depression, whose father and other grandfather a "hoarder of money", an uncle who is an "alcoholic", mother and grandmother a "nicoholic", and various other extended family members that have issues with alcohol, anxiety etc., this article gives some "food for thought"!

LONDON – Can you really be bored to death?

In a commentary to be published in the International Journal of Epidemiology in April, experts say there's a possibility that the more bored you are, the more likely you are to die early.


Annie Britton and Martin Shipley of University College London caution that boredom alone isn't likely to kill you — but it could be a symptom of other risky behavior like drinking, smoking, taking drugs or having a psychological problem.


The researchers analyzed questionnaires completed between 1985 and 1988 by more than 7,500 London civil servants ages 35 to 55. The civil servants were asked if they had felt bored at work during the previous month.


Britton and Shipley then tracked down how many of the participants had died by April 2009. Those who reported they had been very bored were two and a half times more likely to die of a heart problem than those who hadn't reported being bored.


But when the authors made a statistical adjustment for other potential risk factors, like physical activity levels and employment grade, the effect was reduced.


"Someone who is bored may not be motivated to eat well, exercise, and have a heart-healthy lifestyle. That may make them more likely to have a cardiovascular event," said Dr. Christopher Cannon, an associate professor of medicine at Harvard University and spokesman for the American College of Cardiology.


He also said if people's boredom was ultimately linked to depression, it wouldn't be surprising if they were more susceptible to heart attacks; depression has long been recognized as a risk factor for heart disease. Cannon also said it was possible that when people are bored, dangerous hormones are released in the body that stress the heart.


Britton and Shipley said boredom was probably not in itself that deadly. "The state of boredom is almost certainly a proxy for other risk factors," they wrote. "It is likely that those who were bored were also in poor health."


She said boredom is linked to anger suppression, which can raise blood pressure and suppress the body's natural immunity. "People who are bored also tend to eat and drink more, and they're probably not eating carrots and celery sticks," she said.


Still, Mann said it was only people who were chronically bored who should be worried.


"Everybody is bored from time to time," she said.


Have a great day!

Money = Happiness

I've been thinking a lot lately about money, success, spirituality, human suffering, career choices and after reading the following article, I felt more peaceful:

 An Austrian millionaire is giving away his fortune and all his personal possessions because 'they never made me happy.'



Karl Rebeder, 47, from Linz, claims he will use the money from his household accessory business - worth over $4.7 million - to fund orphanages and other help-the-poor projects in South America.


'I had the idea on holiday in Hawaii some years ago,' he said.


'My cars and plane have already gone and the rest follows very soon. I can't wait to be free of them.


'From this developed, less than a year ago, a greenhouse project which gives orphans the possibility to have agricultural training, to take up a small loan in order to make themselves independent vegetable growers.


'I set up a new non-profit micro-credit organisation to distribute these small loans to help these poor but industrious people.'


He told Austrian TV viewers of his plan to raffle his luxury Tyrol villa by lots - with all money going to the mymicrocredit.com foundation he started late last year - and shedding his fortune on the Stoeckl am Samstag chat-show programme, presented by Barbara Stoeckl, in an interview due to be broadcast in May.


Rabeder claims he is happy living in a small flat and surviving on the equivalent of $1,260 a month.



'My then-wife and I were on the plane together coming back from Hawaii in 2004 and I realized that I was dying through consumerism,' he recalled.


'It has taken me until now to realize that I don't need money and possessions.


'I learned as a child the value of money and how to get by without it.'


Rabeder's father was a painter, his mother an office worker.


He founded his first company in 1986 and soon became rich, adding; 'I thought the more money I had the happier I would become, but it was not the case.'


He now lives in a two-room flat in Innsbruck, is divorced and added; 'The worst that can happen to me is that I have to take a small job to get by.'

Of course, we all realize that we need money to live, but it seems no matter how much we worry about it, we always seem to have what we need (most of us).  I believe it is everyone's duty to help those that don't have the basics: food, water, shelter.

Peace, love and joy to all of you!!

Scrambled

I'm feeling a bit scrambled today!  As I was looking for a picture to depict my feelings, I happened upon an interesting article online concerning generalized anxiety disorder (GAD):

Scientists at the Stanford Medical Center recently announced that they might have discovered a new explanation for why GAD has appeared.  That the condition may be caused by scrambled neural connections between regions of the cortex dealing with integrating fear and emotion.  GAD makes people live in a constant state of worry, even over the most ordinary matters. 

I'm feeling a bit of that, but mostly unmotivated, isolated and indecisive.  I went to see the therapist Friday because she had a cancellation.  She wanted more background about my childhood and life.  At the end, she suggested that I read a book called, "Adult Children of Alcoholics".  I had told her that my father used to drink beer every day.  I wasn't sure how much and he never appeared drunk.  Anyway, it seems that years ago I had briefly glanced at that book wondering myself if he was an alcoholic.  I went to Half Price Books and couldn't find it, so instead bought, Melody Beattie's, "Beyond Codependency".  I'll get that one next.

I think a lot of my scrambledness is stemming from problems with my marital relationship and not being able to pinpoint which direction to go career wise.  I know that some of that is because I don't want to be in a job that won't allow me to help J when he is released to the extent that I should and can.  I know that he got himself into this, but as long as he is committed to recovery, I want to help initially with getting settled and with transportation.

J called me Friday and was very anxious trying to plan everything for when he is released.  He asked my opinion on a few things and at the end of the conversation, I reassured him that there are people that can help him with transportation, family and friends and that I would be here for him.  I realized after hanging up that what he was saying to me was that he wants to be responsible for himself and doesn't want to rely on others.  He's always been very independent.  He said if he misses one probation appointment, they can send him to prison. 

Sometimes, I wish I could just sell everything and move away.  I realize that is an option!

Hopefully I didn't sound like I'm whining - I'm grateful for everyone / everything in my life - just one of those days!

Peace, love and joy to all of you and thanks for your comments!

Simple Things for "Haiti"

For every person who writes about the joy of simple things this weekend, Chis at Enchanted Oak is going to donate $2.00 to Heartline Ministries to help people in Haiti.

Here are the rules...copied directly from her blog:


Post your piece this weekend and include link to my blog. Then pop in here to say you’ve posted your “Simple Things.” Post by midnight, Pacific time, Sunday, and don’t forget to link with me and notify me that you’ve posted. You can borrow the “Simple Things” photo. If you don’t have a blog, a comment on my blog will count too if you tell me so.

"Simple Things that make me happy"

Memories of my son when he was a child

Hiking outdoors

Helping someone in need

Finishing things on my "to do list"

Taking a nice hot shower

Reading in bed

Knowing God is with us

Making people laugh

Feeling peaceful!

Peace, love and joy to everyone today!!

My relapse...

I bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday.  I have been fighting it especially since the vacation.  After analyzing it, I think its a combination of factors: 1) being bored on the vacation and watching lots of other people smoking; 2) being bored at home - getting discouraged about finding a job; 3) having an argument with my husband Monday evening; and 4) I got a letter from J's attorney saying that he wasn't sure that J would get "treatment in lieu of conviction" for the pending charges in the other county now.  That it would be a miracle if he did.  I left a message for him to call me to find out if he could be facing any prison time.  I know that he'll have to serve 20 days for the pending DUI. 


J and I had spoken on the phone after I received the letter, and I mentioned it to him.  He asked if there was a chance of him serving time and I said "no, I didn't think so", mainly so that he wouldn't worry excessively.  So, instead I realize that I took on that burden of worrying, not only about possible prison time, but that J was now probably worried also.  That only lasted for a couple of days and gradually I didn't feel that anxiety.  I also realized that the issues that led to my husband and I splitting last time are still there, just not as prevalent.  I'm going to suggest to him that we see the therapist.


I went last night by myself to see J because there was a chance his girlfriend was going to come and only 2 people can visit at one time.  Also, I really just wanted some one on one time with him.  The girlfriend didn't show - J said she tried to drop off the paperwork necessary to be a visitor a few days earlier, but was 15 minutes late, so she mailed it in.  She's now supposed to come on Sat.  There are always some kind of excuses....


I spent a couple of hours yesterday stopping at businesses within 2-3 miles of our house, picking up applications for him.  Most of them were fast food or restaurant establishments, along with a couple of auto parts stores, a tanning salon, movie rental place, etc.  I got more information from his case manager about the job hunting.  The guy that helps them look for a job doesn't really actively find job postings, he just drives them around to p/u applications and drop them off or interview.


J was really appreciative of the apps. The first 15 minutes I was asking him more about the severity of his drug use.  I told him I hoped he didn't feel like I was cross examining him and he wondered why I was so interested in the past.  I tried to explain that through the years I knew he was confiding certain things to me, but then months or years later he would give me more information or confirm that he had lied about something previously, so I wasn't sure what the truth was. 


He said that he started taking the xanax daily when he was 16 years old.  He started taking vicodin and percocet around that time also and then started snorting the oxycotin after he moved out of the house when he was 19.  He said he snorted Heroin about 5 times.  I asked why he didn't do that more and he said because he knew where that would lead and that it felt "dirtier" to do that.


I saw the new therapist on Monday and we clicked.  Most of that hour was spent again on me giving her background information.  Unless she has a cancellation, the soonest I could see her is a week from Sat.


I told J that I would like him to go to see her when he is released and explained that he wouldn't have to take meds if he didn't want to, that just having therapy and exercise can help if you have depression or anxiety.  We talked more about his plan when he is released.  Ultimately, he wants to get an apartment with the gf.  I told him what the therapist said concerning her - that she is most likely a trigger because they had used together.  He didn't respond.  He said that he has to stay busy when he is released!


To change the subject - two of the events that I scheduled went very well.  There were about 20 people that joined my husband and I at the art center and I had a turnout of about 55 people for the hike on Sunday.  Although it was cold at first, the sun was bright!  I may have to cancel tomorrow night's event at the horse races, because we're supposed to get snow.


I will quit smoking again very soon!  That reminds me, J asked me how the not smoking  was going and I told him I had just bought a pack that day.  He was disappointed.  I told him that I can kind of relate to drug addiction, but that I had thought to myself when deciding rather to buy a pack, that if I knew there was a chance that I could go to jail or die that day from it, that there was no way I would have done it.  He disagreed with me - which is scary!


Gratitude:


J is safe and sober
God has given me another day of life

The Visit

My husband and I visited J last night.  It was great to get to hug and kiss him after waiting 4 months.  He looked great - he's gained almost 20 lbs.  I spoke with his case manager yesterday before the visit and she was very helpful and nice.  She said J was doing very well with his classes and she has noticed a change in him from when he first arrived.  He's opening up more.  She said he has asked her a number of times about going back to college.

Anyway, I had mentioned to him on the phone on Sunday that I wasn't sure he would be able to come live at home when he was released.  For one thing, we're not on a bus line.  He said he could ride one of our bikes to the bus stop which is miles away by way of  a very dangerous, winding road.  I told him we had time to make a decision about that.  So, last night we talked about that more.  I asked him if his father does give him the $13,000 when he is released, what his plans for it would be.  He said he would pay off half of his credit card debt and that he thinks he needs to make it on his own.  Just stay here for the first couple of weeks and then move to an apartment.  That he needs to stay busy.  I asked if a large sum of money would be a trigger for him and he said no.  He said that looking back he realizes that when he would go out spending a lot of money on a new phone, clothes, xbox, etc. was a trigger.

He thinks he can get the job back working for his friend's cousin that he had when this happened.  He was working 2nd shift 2pm-2am, but there is no bus that goes there. 

We talked briefly about drugs and he said that he was doing well before the last month of trouble - that he had been clean for 3 months and then he decided one day to try it again and see if it was like it was in the beginning.  He said it was, so he decided to try it the next day to see if it was still good and it was, so the third day he tried it and he didn't get high.  I didn't asked him what he tried, but it seems clear that he made a conscious decision to get high.  I asked if he had any cravings and he said only for cigarettes.  I reminded him that I had quit about 9 weeks ago now and he said "Oh yeah - I forgot - that's great!"  A little self-absorbed - wouldn't you say!

I asked him if he feels anxious or depressed.  He said that he's not happy all of the time and I said that no one is.  He said if he had to lean one way or the other, he'd say that yes he probably has a problem, but that he wouldn't want to take any medicine.  I mentioned that I went to a therapist and that now I have found another one that I'll be seeing Monday and that she could see him also when he gets out if he wants to.  He said he really didn't want to, but that if I wanted him to then he would.  The new therapist asked me if his mental health has been evaluated and I said no.  She said that usually people don't become addicts unless there is some type of mental health issue also.

I also asked him if he thinks I did the right thing calling the police and he said yes!  I am still traumatized by that and feel that the therapist can help me work through it.

J and his step dad joked around and talked about sports, etc.  It was nice to see J smile!

It was a good visit and he is definitely getting better.  I liked that he realized that he needs to stay busy and make it on his own.  I also realize that we're just beginning - when he is faced with life on the outside - that's the true test!

Gratitude:

J is safe and sober
The sun is shining this morning
My coffee tastes good

Peace and blessings to everyone!!

Vacation and Therapy

We returned late Saturday evening from our trip to Dominican Republic.  I felt a little guilty going since it is only 250 miles from the terrible suffering of the Haitian people.  I did do the texting thing to contribute monetarily though.  Anyway, the trip was very relaxing.  The resort was an all-inclusive (including airfare, hotel, food, alcohol, airport transfers) and there were 8 restaurants, two pools and it was on the beach.  That is a picture from our room.

The weather was beautiful - 85 degs.  Every day was pretty much the same.  My husband would go down to the beach and put our towels on a couple of loungers under a thatched roof.  If you got down after 9am, there weren't any left.

We would then go jogging on the beach - head back to the room for a quick shower - on to breakfast  - down to the beach to lay out and I would usually read and/or people watch and take a daily walk on the beach.  There are a mixture of European, Russian, Canadian, and American people that go there.  Women are allowed to go topless, although not too many do.  My husband and I would hold hands while walking and if one of us spotted someone, we'd squeeze the other's hand.  It was a fun game for him!

As far as the therapist goes, I saw him right before we left for the trip and most of the hour was spent with me giving him background on the trouble that J's gotten into through the last few years.  My initial impression of him was that he thinks very highly of himself and his knowledge.  In so many words, at one point, he said that since he's been doing this for 30 years that he knows everything.  At that point, I told him that how I have been handling and intend to continue handling this situation is to research via internet, read books, continue with my blog and reading as many other's as I can, to find either an al-anon or naranon group and also to talk to a therapist and to take from each what resonates with me, because I don't think any one person or source has all of the answers.  I think he got my point.

I have had experience with 2 therapists during my first marriage for marital counseling and 1 therapist during the early stages of marriage to my current husband and I took my son when he was 6 years old to a psychologist for 1 year when he was 6 years old because my ex-husband was trying to obtain custody during that period.  Generally, I feel that talking with close friends has been the best therapy for me.

Last night my husband and I went to see this therapist again and I'm still not sure about whether we click.  At one point I started to tear up and he asked me what I was feeling.  I told him sadness and asked "Wouldn't you be sad if your child had just gotten out of jail, was in rehab, and a drug addict."  He didn't answer me, but continued to stare at me, so I just stared back.  Finally, he said "I get the impression that you don't have a problem being assertive with people in general, except for 1" (meaning my son) and I said that I didn't.  I tried to explain that I am assertive with J, but I am compassionate also.  It is only $20 per session to see him through insurance, but I'm thinking about seeing a lady psychologist who is not covered through our insurance, but she said she would only charge $70 per session (which is still a lot), but she is a psychologist who specializes in addiction and the other therapist is a social worker/counselor.

Gratitude:

J is safe and sober
We finally get to see J Wednesday evening for an hour
I have another job interview next week

P.S.  I've read everyone's blogs, but just haven't had time to comment yet!

Contraband

J called yesterday and immediately I was on alert because the usual recording, "This is a call from an inmate etc." didn't play and he said he was calling from his case manager's desk.  He started his conversation by saying that the rehab had done a search and found food in his and 27 other "resident's" lockers.  Since that is against the rules, he can't make any phone calls for 1 week, no visitors for 2 weeks, and has to wear an orange jumpsuit for 1 week.  He asked me to call his girlfriend and let her know - I said I would.

I don't get it - he's allowed to have 2nd helpings of food and he has to break that rule!  At first, when he said a search I was thinking the worst - they found drugs.  When I told my husband he was angry at first and then he was joking about it - Mommy I got caught with snacks and now I have to wear this ugly jumpsuit - boo hoo!!

The phone call to his girlfriend was enlightening.  When I mentioned J messing up with the paperwork for our visit, she said, "He complains about being bored - but can't get the paperwork to you on time - I guess he's playing too much ping pong - he told me to just wait until he's out - he'll beat me at ping pong!" 

She also mentioned that she saw him right before Christmas for 2 hours, which I knew nothing about.  She said at the last minute they were allowed to have someone visit for Christmas and the person didn't have to fill out any paperwork.  Now it makes since as to why he wanted his step-father and I to visit rather than his girlfriend and I.  I'm assuming the visit was before I arrived home from my trip Christmas Eve.

She went on to say that the last time she drank was New Year's Eve and that even though J has told her that she can drink - smoke pot - and he won't, that she told him that he's more important to her than doing those things.  She said she gets the impression that he may still want to drink - I told her that he may not have the money for that - since he'll most likely not be living here and will have to support himself.

His father, who lives in Texas, told him that he would give him the money that his grandfather set aside years ago to help J with college, $13,000, when he is released.  He currently has $9,000 in credit card debt.  Oh well, we'll see.

The blinders are gradually being removed from my eyes!  I may have to rename my blog, "Eyes Opened by love for J"!

Upset

J called me Saturday evening to apologize for his paperwork oversight relating to our visit.  He sounded very uptight again, so I asked him how he was feeling.  He said depressed.  He said you don't know what I am going through in here.  The last time we spoke he said his girlfriend's cell phone was turned off (permanently) and he wanted me to call her home phone while he was waiting to see what was going on.  I agreed and she answered.  She said to have him call her father's cell phone.  Anyway, Saturday evening he said he couldn't understand why she didn't call me so that I could let J know the next time I spoke with him.  I hate to see him hurt, so instead of doing the right thing (saying nothing), I said "You can't expect her to wait for you" and at that point he said he didn't want to talk about it. 

He gave me more detail as to what it was like there.   They aren't allowed to go on their bunk bed to read and that the community room is always loud, with the T.V. blaring, and people being paged on the loud speaker constantly.  I know that anxiety/depression runs in my family and I had never thought that J had that problem, but am beginning to realize that it could be a large part of his problem.  Recently, I was thinking his anxiety stemmed from the drug use or lack of drug use, but it may have nothing to do with that.

During our conversation, I tried to make him feel better by reminding him that he gets out at the end of March, but it didn't seem to help.  I feel badly that I contributed to making him feel worse by most likely reinforcing what he was already worried about - his girlfriend not waiting for him.  I also have been thinking about when he does get out - what the right things to say/do are and realized that I need to talk to someone.  Every time I try to talk to my husband about it, he tries to fix it and interrupts me at some point with his opinions etc.  I explain to him that sometimes I just want to vent and have someone listen and perhaps reassure me and he said, "I thought this was a two-way conversation".  He said that J need to hear me say "Buck up and be a man".

I made an appointment with a social worker/counselor that specializes in addiction and family issues.  I go on Friday.   I  know that God is watching over J and that I don't need to be worried, but God gave me a brain and I realize I need more guidance.

Also, I wanted to thank everyone for their last comments about me seeming to have balance in my life.  That made me feel good and I truly appreciate all of you!

Disappointment

My husband and I went up to visit J for the first time in over a month and were told that he was supposed to send us a form to fill out and send back before we could visit.  Basically, we now have to wait until Wednesday because we didn't get the forms soon enough.  Hopefully, a lesson learned for him.  I know he was looking forward to the visit also.

I scheduled the trip for my husband and I to go to Dominican Republic.  We leave next Saturday for one week.  That is where we went last January (actually the same week) after we got married (the second time).  He said he was interested in going somewhere hot and cheap.  I told him it sounded like the requirements for the perfect woman (he enjoyed that comment - that's guy humor)!

I've recently taken on the role of being an assistant organizer for my hiking club and the social club.  I'm excited because I planned an 8 mile hike at the end of the month and have had a huge response.  I also planned some fun events for the social club, i.e., going to an art show that has over 200 artists' work displayed, going to the horse races and they also have a fun band for dancing, and going to hear a live band/dancing.  I've had great response to these also.

I'm taking a test next week to become a census worker.  Since the job lasts for a couple of months and is somewhat flexible, I thought it might work out well for me.

We had a snowfall of about 6 inches and it's beautiful!

Gratitude:

J is safe and sober
Smoke-free for 7 weeks
Snow

Prescription Pills: The new drug of choice for teens

This article was on MSN's homepage today.  They gave an 18 year old high school student 5 years in prison for distributing oxy.  How sad for everyone.

Prescription Pills: The new drug of choice for teens:

http://health.msn.com/medications/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100247883&page=1

J called me on the 31st after I had already posted on my blog.  He sounded on edge, probably because it was his birthday and New Year's Eve (everyone was going out to have fun).  He asked me if I knew of any decent jobs (so he wouldn't have to take just any job) for him when he is released at the end of March.  The residents at the rehab are not discharged until they have a job or are in school.  It seemed like an odd question.  Sometimes, I think he thinks that I know everything (did that make sense?).   He said that he has a lot of free time there because the classes only last 2 hours per day.

He wants to go back to school since he only went for one semester right out of high school.  I asked him if he could do some research on the internet to decide what he wants to take in school and he said he doesn't think you can use the internet until you've been there three months.  He said there is a guy there whose wife mails him school work for online college and he mails it back to her. 

I have always been the one in the past to make suggestions, give reminders and research information for/to my son and realize now that was detrimental.  I want to be here as support for him and as we all know, its a fine line between support and enabling.  I know that some of you allow your son/daughter to live with you and others feel that is not the thing to do.  Since my son won't be able to drive for at least 6 months after he is released, he will need to live on a bus line and even then, the bus doesn't go everywhere (probation appts., etc.) that he will need to go.  I know that is his problem.

J said he wants his step-father and I to visit this Saturday, since he's only allowed two people per week.  I was surprised he didn't want his girlfriend, but I didn't comment on it.

I am in the process of planning another trip for February, but this one for my husband and I to go on.  We usually go somewhere once a year together and I'm thinking this time we could go on a cruise on the coast of South America that hits Argentina, Brazil and Uruguay.  I sometimes feel a little guilty for the amount of travel that I'm doing recently, but then I remember the hair color commercial - "I'm worth it"!

Gratitude:

Tears
Sleep

Struggling

I'm not sure if it is the jet lag or depression or a combination, but I have been struggling with sadness, sleeping a lot and feeling the urge to smoke again.  I'll get in bed at 6pm and sleep until 6am.  It's been 7 weeks since I smoked.  I wonder if being an addict feels like this, because my brain tries to trick me by saying, "What does it matter if you start smoking again and die a few years younger than you would have?", or "I can always smoke again and stop again".


I had a job interview on Monday and should hear something by next week.  I know that a lot of my problem is not having a job.  I keep thinking I should continue to look for something that I want to do full-time, long term, rather than just take any job to have something to do until I find something else, but I'm rethinking that for my mental health.


Today is J's birthday, he's 22.  He hasn't called me since Christmas Day.  I went and bought another $20 phone card for him this week.  Each 15 min. call is $2.00 and basically he calls his father, his girlfriend and me.  He said he's trying to make each card last and that his girlfriend was supposed to buy a card.  It concerns me that his girlfriend is still waiting for him.  I read what Lou said in one of her comments, that anytime a girlfriend waits it's usually not a good situation.  She was doing drugs with him before he went to jail and I don't know what her status is now.

I'll get to see him around January 9th and he's allowed to have 2 visitors.  He can 2 visitors once a week. I told my husband that he will probably want me and his girlfriend to come the first time.  Nothing against him, but they aren't that close so it makes sense.  Of course, its up to him who he wants to see.


I'm trying to live in the moment and not think too much about what the future will bring.  Also, I continue to pray that J is in God's hands and everything is as it should be!


My husband and I went to see the movie "Avatar" a couple of days ago in 3-D and it was great.  I highly recommend it!

We're supposed to go with my brother and his wife to a party tonight - probably around 30 people and it's only a 15-20 min. drive.  Tomorrow, we're going on a 7 mile hike with about 35 people that is a 1 1/2 hr. drive from here.


My prayers are with my family, friends and the following people (I hope I didn't leave anyone out):


Barbara and Keven; Renee and Zach; Lisa and Bryan; Annette and daughter; Madison and family; Chailatte and son; Mom and Heather; Lou and Andrew; Cheri and family; Tall Kay; Steve in Fl.; Debbie and Son; Dad, Mom and Son; and Bill and Son.


Gratitude: 


J is safe and sober
Free Will
My mother
Love


Happy New Year and Peace, Love, and Joy to all of you!!

I'm back...

 
Hi everybody!  I've caught up with your blogs and wanted to post a few pics from my trip.  I returned Christmas Eve and went to my brother's house Christmas afternoon.  My husband and I picked my mother up.  It was a small gathering - 4 of my sister-in-law's friends, my nephew (my niece was in Florida with her mom) and us.  


My husband said grace at dinner and got a little choked up.  His father passed away this year and also with J not with us we felt very emotional at times.  J got transferred to rehab while I was on my trip.  He called me Christmas Eve and said that it is much better than jail.  The nurse is allowing him to have seconds of food (he weighed 213 lbs when he arrived and has gained 10 lbs. in 2 weeks).  He wants to get up to 240 or 250 - he's 6'9" tall so that wouldn't be too heavy.  He's been working out also.


He sounded a little sad - he also called me Christmas Day.  He feels very grateful to be at the rehab and has been going to the church 2-3 times a week.  The pastor is from an area church and is a former crack addict.  J says he is very inspirational.  J said he prayed for my safety while I was on the trip and of course I prayed for him every day.


I haven't been as open on this blog as I could about how this has been affecting me.  I think for a variety of reasons - because I like to set a good example and let people see that you can have a life even if your heart feels like it is being ripped out - also because I believe that we have a choice to sit around and dwell on the bad things in our lives or get out and live!  I don't like to feel sorry for myself and do believe that most of our children will be able to live drug free lives.  I have always been perceived as the strong one but I cry most every day!  

The trip was very educational and busy.  We only stayed in each spot for typically 1 to 2 days.  There were seven of us - five women traveling solo and a newlywed couple.  The nationalities were German, UK, Canada and US.  Everyone was very nice!  We rotated on who we shared a room with each night - which worked out well.

 This was in Vang Vieng, Laos

 

I'm standing in the courtyard of our hotel in Vientiane, Laos

 

Halong Bay, Vietnam

 

While on a 2 day slow boat down the Mekong River, we stopped at two separate villages and took supplies that we had purchased for one of the villages.

 

Two village girls - it was their New Year's celebration

 Elephant Riding in Chiang Mai, Thailand

Hope you have a great weekend!