Transformation

As I watch the leaves fall from the trees outside, I realize how similar we are. They go through a predictable transformation every year. Although we don't see the transformation within ourselves or those we love as predictably or sometimes as quickly, the change is still occurring.

As we shed our leaves of hurt, anger, despair, addiction, anxiety and they are replaced with new leaves of joy, peace, patience, hope, health and happiness..... we rejoice!

"Nature often holds up a mirror so we can see more clearly the ongoing processes of growth, renewal, and transformation in our lives!”

Trip to Egypt and Jordan

I thought I'd share a few cool pictures from my trip back in March to Egypt and Jordan. I went by myself with an adventure group comprised of 14 people (from Canada, Australia, Ireland and the U.S.).




This is the Wadi Rum Desert in Jordan. The landscape was beautifully stark.







I think the camel is smiling! This was at Mt. Sinai where we hiked to the top to see the sunset.







This is a picture of me at the Karnak Temple which is a vast temple complex in Luxor, Egypt. The whole complex which spans 1 mile x 2 miles, was built over a period of 1300 years, beginning in the 16th century BC, and is the largest ancient religious site in the world.








This picture was taken in Cairo at a market that is not frequented by tourists.



Today I'm doing yardwork and continuing my job search! Have a great day!

Swine Flu & Jail Book Drive

When I saw my son in Jail yesterday he was sick. He said he'd been sick for a few days and filled out a form the day before to be seen, but they hadn't gotten to him yet. Tonight he called and said that they took him to the hospital last night because he had a 101.5 fever. They tested him for the flu and it was negative, so they gave him some sudafed and ibuprofen (none to take to the jail with him though).

He said he feels better today, but that they moved him into a cell block that has 3 cells and he is the only person in the block. They had moved a man out a few hours before they put J in and that man had been sick with H1N1. I asked J if he cleaned everything with a disinfectant (including the phone he was talking to me on) and he said yes!

In an earlier conversation a week ago he was complaining that it was very hard to sleep because he was in a room with a lot of men who would fart and snore all night. Looking on the bright side, I told him tonight that at least he wouldn't have to listen to them. He said he'd rather be in with them now because he is all by himself.

It's funny how we think our current situation is bad and then we find ourselves in one that we find even worse. I told him I've been praying for him since yesterday to get and stay healthy and he thanked me.



I've been working on getting books donated from Half Price Books to me so that I can take them to the Jail. I got approval from the Jail with the condition that they can't be hardbound, romantic or computer related.

Today I am grateful for:

1. My son is safe and sober and overcoming his illness.
2. The beautiful sunny day today.
3. My husband is handy: can fix about anything, knowledgeable about
electrical, welding, mechanics etc. (he's out working on his truck
right now).
4. The backrub he just gave me a few minutes ago (I've been painting, jogging,
cleaning the refrigerator..etc. etc. etc. today)
5. GOD!

Walking in "Faith"

I am going to a new church today and my mother agreed to come with me. As a child my parents never went to church. When I was 12 years old I went to a church for a few months that a girlfriend belonged to. My mother would drop me off and I didn't understand why she didn't want to come. I sang "Amazing Grace" once in that church and she did come for that service.

When J was 2 years old he sang "Amazing Grace" for my father's family at Christmas when I went to visit one year. His voice was sweet and clear as he sang and I remember feeling so proud and touched.

Through the years I have gone to church off and on. My first husband and I went for about a year, but I had mixed feelings because once we married I saw how he was not a good example of a christian. I felt that he was a hypocrite.

My current husband was raised Pentecostal and brought up in the church. He also witnessed much hypocrisy in his church and when we married, although I wanted to find a church to join, his heart was not in it. He would go with me occasionally and I would take J and go without him when he didn't want to go.

After I called the police to take J away, one of my girlfriends who knew the anguish I was feeling sent me this inspirational message that touched my heart.



“Sometimes only the step I’m on, or the very next one ahead, is all that is illuminated for me. God gives just the amount of light I need for the exact moment I need it. At those times, I walk in surrender to faith, unable to see the future and not fully comprehending the past.

Because it is God who has given me what light I have, I know I must reject the fear and doubt that threaten to overtake me. I must determine to be content where I am, and allow God to get me where I need to go. I walk forward, one step at a time, fully trusting that the light God sheds is absolutely sufficient.”

FUN

My husband is out of town hunting/hiking with his cousin this weekend, soooo, I'm going with a girlfriend to listen to some live music and dance.

Gratitude for the day:

1. My son is safe and sober in jail!
2. For the beautiful trees in my backyard that are amazing colors right now!
3. That I'm getting new countertops/faucets in the bathrooms.
4. Hair dye (for those pesky gray ones)!
5. For God!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Teen Challenge

I just found out about another rehab that has over 200 facilities nationwide and 1000 internationally. It was started in 1958 and a typical stay is 12 months. It is christian based and has a huge success rate. They treat adolescents, but the majority are between the ages of 18 and 35 years old.

The Court can sentence them to go there if you request it through the attorney. It is not a lock-down facility, but they will call the probation officer if someone leaves. I'm waiting to hear back from them today, but after researching, it looks like the cost is minimal (even for 12 months).

The name is Teen Challenge and the website is: http://www.teenchallengeusa.com/

My Addiction

I have smoked cigarettes off/on for the past 30 years. I've quit for up to 4 years at a time. I've done it cold turkey and with the help of the "patch". My father, mother, brothers, and son smoked. I prayed yesterday for the strength to quit and did until just a little while ago.

As I've said in earlier posts, I'm typically a healthy eater, I exercise etc. Smoking kills 1/2 million people per year just in the U.S.

Please pray for me to quit!

Surrender

With my free will I am surrendering my life to God today!

I am excited to see where God will lead me and the miracles that I will witness!

Back in Jail - Blindsided

We went to Court yesterday and it was strange to be the only case being heard before the Judge. The Judge agreed to have J interviewed by TASC to determine whether he is eligible for Treatment in Lieu of Conviction. That is set up for tomorrow. We then went to my brother's house for my nephew's birthday party. J brought his "Beatles Guitar Hero" and we all had a good time with that.

Today we went to Court for 2 other charges in a different county and this Judge sentenced J to 30 days in jail for the "Reckless Op" charge and suspension of license for 1 year. He felt that J was not taking things seriously enough because of all of the events since March. The attorney explained that he recently was left in jail for 30 days and not bailed out and that he is NOW taking things seriously, but I guess a little too late.

The attorney was very surprised and it was sad to watch them handcuff J in his dress clothes and take him away!

J has been doing well - but - as I think about what the Judge said, I agree because even now he has not been wanting to go to the mandatory AA/NA meetings (he says they don't help him. This morning we had time to go to his twice weekly pre-rehab meeting before Court, but when I woke him up he said he didn't want to go and would just call them and tell them that he had Court today.

This may have been a blessing in disguise - who knows - he may have relapsed or worse before being sentenced to rehab!

Today I'm thankful for:

1. My son is safe and sober.
2. My husband's support (he's stopping to pick up something for dinner).
3. A feeling of acceptance and peace!

I have been reading everyone's posts - just haven't taken time to comment yet - but I read every word!

God Bless Everyone!

Family Fun

As I was belting out Beatles songs last night on J's new "Guitar Hero", I sensed a sadness within me. My roommate, J's girlfriend, J and I took turns playing the drums, the guitar and singing. My husband even joined in for a couple of songs. Later as I acknowledged the lurking sadness within, surrounded by family bonding and "normalcy", the reality that J would be gone for 6 months, through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and his birthday, was looming closer like a space shuttle countdown.

My husband says he is counting down because it will be like a vacation, not having to remind J to turn off lights, pick up his clothes, put his dirty dishes away, etc. etc. Of the money that J has left in his bank account, I've talked to him about having a plan for me to pay the minimum balances on his credit cards while he is gone with that money. After he arrived home yesterday with the "Beatles Guitar Hero", I didn't say anything, because I know that he is here most all of the time, and needs something to do.

As we're all learning, the future is uncertain and mostly an illusion to them. As I read what I just typed, I realize that I feel the same way about "the future". I am thankful that he spent the money on that and not something else.

We had court the other day again and this Judge agreed to continue the sentencing until the beginning of November, after we go to Court in the other County. We have Court again on Monday and Tuesday for other charges. J had a urine test a couple of days ago and has another one today.

My roommate is moving out on Monday and I will miss her. My husband and she don't mesh very well so he feels differently than I do. He'd prefer not to get another roommate, but since I'm not working right now, the pressure is on and I am looking for another roommate. Our house is two separate levels and living areas, so there is plenty of space!

I deleted my last post, "The Eulogy" because I asked my husband if he would mind me posting it and he said that it is private! He hasn't expressed an interest in reading my blog, but I wish he would. I am an open person and realize that I have to respect other people's wishes/differences.

Today I'm thankful for:

1. My son is safe and sober.
2. My gas powered leaf blower.
3. Having a garage for when it rains/snows.
4. My reading glasses.
5. My sheepskin houseslippers.

PEACE AND BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE THIS WEEKEND!

Love Thyself!

There are many ways that I take care of myself and love myself. I exercise regularly because it really helps with anxiety and has many other benefits. I've always thought that many people who are on anti-depressants, anxiety meds etc. could exercise instead. I recently read an article about how it is very helpful for addicts (but they have to want to do it - just like anything else).

I keep my house organized and decluttered because it helps me to feel calm and its just part of my personality.

I try to eat well (i.e. salads, vegies, whole grain breads and cereal with soy milk).

I read!!



I love to travel and have gone on quite a few trips by myself. I believe that it is very empowering to travel and especially by yourself. I drove through the New England states and camped part of the time. I flew out to San Francisco and took Amtrak trains and buses to Napa Valley, Yosemite and San Diego. I meet people all of the time when by myself. One of my most empowering trips was to hike down to the Grand Canyon by myself a couple of years ago. I spent the night at "Phantom Ranch" and hiked back up the following morning.

I volunteer occasionally for a church and for an organization that houses homeless women and their children.

I give backrubs (I have very strong hands) to people (family, friends and sometimes strangers).

I found a site online called "www.meetup.com" a couple of years ago and it has helped me to form new friendships and participate in activities that interest me. They are nationwide and I belong to a hiking club, dining out club, and about 4 others. Another club is for public speaking and I signed up because I have always been challenged by this (in school etc.) and want to overcome my fear.



I asked my son to go sky-diving with me about 1 1/2 years ago because I wanted to face that fear. It was an exhilirating experience. J was more apprehensive than I, but he loved it!


My husband and I are invited to 4 halloween parties and today is his company picnic that we're going to (and taking my mother also) so long as J doesn't have to go in for a drug test. Then as I was typing this my mother came out of her bedroom upon wakening and is extremely off-balance - so if she doesn't get better, we won't be going.

J went out with two friends last night and I was a little anxious. He said "stop worrying about me". I woke up at 4am and he was downstairs watching T.V. and was fine.



Today I'm thankful for:

1. The sun, moon & stars.
2. Music and musicians.
3. Cosmetics & perfume.
4. My blogger friends (thanks for the advice about my mom/driving)!

Have a GREAT day!!

Never A Dull Moment & the Issue of Control

My mother got home from doing a little shopping and the front end of her bumper was crushed. She said that she was at a stop light and the lady in front of her hit her??? Mom said she had her car in park because she was getting sick again (vomiting - which I later cleaned up). She had a few versions of her story (inconsistencies) and that the other driver said they had called the police. Mom decided since she felt sick to just leave the scene.

I was in the process of calling the police when we received a call from the police. They had eye witnesses who said that as Mom was going around this person she hit their rear end. Luckily, they decided not to charge Mom with fleeing the scene of an accident. We've been talking with her for months about how we don't think she is safe to drive (she had another accident about a month ago when she dropped her cigarette and was looking for it and veered off the road and hit a rock).

A bit of humor - my husband joked with her and said they may put her in the "pokie" for leaving the scene.

Remember, she is the enabler for my alcoholic brother and insists on driving to see him. She has a giant aneurysm in her head that creates a balance issue. If I were to take away her keys, she would make everyone's life hell!!

My plan is to take her (in addition to my son) everywhere she wants to go (if she'll let me) until she is accepted into the apartment that she's on the waiting list for.



Below are various thoughts/quotes from individuals on the subject of Control....

• Because we are self-controlling beings, we are also responsible for our actions. This is not a moral or ethical proposition, but simply a causal one: I am responsible for what I do because I am the one who controls my actions. By the same token, to the degree we seek to control the lives and property of others, we help to foster, in their minds, the illusions that they are not responsible for what they do.

• The thing that most people do not understand, is that you get to control the way you feel, because you get to choose the thoughts you think. Most people think that they only have the option of responding to the circumstances that surround them. And that's what makes them attempt the impossible, which is to control the circumstances around them, which only feeds their feeling of frustration and vulnerability, because it doesn't take very much life experience to discover you can't control all of those circumstances. But you can control your vibration. And when you control your vibration, you've controlled everything that has anything to do with you.

• Being happy is the cornerstone of all that you are! Nothing is more important than that you feel good! And you have absolute and utter control about that because you can choose the thought that makes you worry or the thought that makes you happy; the things that thrill you, or the things that worry you. You have the choice in every moment.

• When we can sit in the face of insanity or dislikes and be free from the need to make it different, then we are free.

As I'm having my positive thoughts, I'm off to take a jog...Peace, love and joy to everyone today!!

More Good Qualities & Gratitude

My brother J:

Scared, cautious, concerned, generous, fair, friendly, honest, loyal, proud, sensitive, talkative, and trusting.

My brother C:

Curious, decisive, dependable, diligent, friendly, intelligent, independent, industrious, logical, reliable, skillful, sociable, and talkative.

My roommate:

Affectionate, animated, attentive, charismatic, cheerful, clever, compassionate, conscientious, considerate, dependable, dutiful, encouraging, friendly, funny, generous, gentle, helpful, honest, hospitable, imaginative, independent, intelligent, loving, loyal, optimistic, polite, respectful, sensitive, sociable, tolerant, trustworthy, warm-hearted and witty.

My son's girlfriend:

Affectionate, cheerful, compassionate, frank, friendly, funny, helpful, intelligent, loving, loyal, positive, sensitive, sociable, talkative, thoughtful, tolerant, trusting, and witty.

My ex-husband:

Active, ambitious, capable, clever, confident, decisive, dependable, determined, diligent, efficient, energetic, enthusiastic, faithful, funny, independent, industrious, intelligent, persistent, responsible, self-reliant, skillful, sociable, tenacious, and thrifty.

Today I'm thankful for:

1. My son is safe and sober.
2. Modern appliances (i.e. Refrig, stove, micro, coffee pot, telephone, camera, computer,
vacuum cleaner, I-pod, toaster, T.V. etc.)
3. My tempur-pedic mattress, soft sheets and pillows.
4. Artists / artwork.
5. God.

p.s. Had to take my mom to the emergency room last night (throwing up again & weakness) -
they think it's because she doesn't eat when taking her medicine and doesn't eat/drink
enough during the day.

Good Qualities

I'd like to write about the good qualities in myself and everyone that I know.

Myself:

Energetic, detail-oriented, organized, efficient, motivated, multi-tasker, patient, positive, trustworthy, sociable, compassionate, intelligent, observant, candid, adventurous, affectionate, considerate, dependable, tenacious and assertive.

My son:

Compassionate, loyal, affectionate, humorous, humble, gentle, generous, friendly, independent, loving, sensitive, sociable, talented, thoughtful, warm-hearted, brave and trustworthy.

My husband:

Polite, reliable, responsible, skillful, witty, capable, clever, compassionate, considerate, dependable, diligent, friendly, funny, and industrious.

My mother:

Candid, capable, compassionate, considerate, dependable, determined, faithful, friendly, generous, funny, independent, lively, loving, loyal, observant, reliable, responsible, sociable, talkative, thoughtful, and trustworthy.

So far, this has been enlightening to me, but I've run out of time - so I will post more later...