Struggling

I'm not sure if it is the jet lag or depression or a combination, but I have been struggling with sadness, sleeping a lot and feeling the urge to smoke again.  I'll get in bed at 6pm and sleep until 6am.  It's been 7 weeks since I smoked.  I wonder if being an addict feels like this, because my brain tries to trick me by saying, "What does it matter if you start smoking again and die a few years younger than you would have?", or "I can always smoke again and stop again".


I had a job interview on Monday and should hear something by next week.  I know that a lot of my problem is not having a job.  I keep thinking I should continue to look for something that I want to do full-time, long term, rather than just take any job to have something to do until I find something else, but I'm rethinking that for my mental health.


Today is J's birthday, he's 22.  He hasn't called me since Christmas Day.  I went and bought another $20 phone card for him this week.  Each 15 min. call is $2.00 and basically he calls his father, his girlfriend and me.  He said he's trying to make each card last and that his girlfriend was supposed to buy a card.  It concerns me that his girlfriend is still waiting for him.  I read what Lou said in one of her comments, that anytime a girlfriend waits it's usually not a good situation.  She was doing drugs with him before he went to jail and I don't know what her status is now.

I'll get to see him around January 9th and he's allowed to have 2 visitors.  He can 2 visitors once a week. I told my husband that he will probably want me and his girlfriend to come the first time.  Nothing against him, but they aren't that close so it makes sense.  Of course, its up to him who he wants to see.


I'm trying to live in the moment and not think too much about what the future will bring.  Also, I continue to pray that J is in God's hands and everything is as it should be!


My husband and I went to see the movie "Avatar" a couple of days ago in 3-D and it was great.  I highly recommend it!

We're supposed to go with my brother and his wife to a party tonight - probably around 30 people and it's only a 15-20 min. drive.  Tomorrow, we're going on a 7 mile hike with about 35 people that is a 1 1/2 hr. drive from here.


My prayers are with my family, friends and the following people (I hope I didn't leave anyone out):


Barbara and Keven; Renee and Zach; Lisa and Bryan; Annette and daughter; Madison and family; Chailatte and son; Mom and Heather; Lou and Andrew; Cheri and family; Tall Kay; Steve in Fl.; Debbie and Son; Dad, Mom and Son; and Bill and Son.


Gratitude: 


J is safe and sober
Free Will
My mother
Love


Happy New Year and Peace, Love, and Joy to all of you!!

I'm back...

 
Hi everybody!  I've caught up with your blogs and wanted to post a few pics from my trip.  I returned Christmas Eve and went to my brother's house Christmas afternoon.  My husband and I picked my mother up.  It was a small gathering - 4 of my sister-in-law's friends, my nephew (my niece was in Florida with her mom) and us.  


My husband said grace at dinner and got a little choked up.  His father passed away this year and also with J not with us we felt very emotional at times.  J got transferred to rehab while I was on my trip.  He called me Christmas Eve and said that it is much better than jail.  The nurse is allowing him to have seconds of food (he weighed 213 lbs when he arrived and has gained 10 lbs. in 2 weeks).  He wants to get up to 240 or 250 - he's 6'9" tall so that wouldn't be too heavy.  He's been working out also.


He sounded a little sad - he also called me Christmas Day.  He feels very grateful to be at the rehab and has been going to the church 2-3 times a week.  The pastor is from an area church and is a former crack addict.  J says he is very inspirational.  J said he prayed for my safety while I was on the trip and of course I prayed for him every day.


I haven't been as open on this blog as I could about how this has been affecting me.  I think for a variety of reasons - because I like to set a good example and let people see that you can have a life even if your heart feels like it is being ripped out - also because I believe that we have a choice to sit around and dwell on the bad things in our lives or get out and live!  I don't like to feel sorry for myself and do believe that most of our children will be able to live drug free lives.  I have always been perceived as the strong one but I cry most every day!  

The trip was very educational and busy.  We only stayed in each spot for typically 1 to 2 days.  There were seven of us - five women traveling solo and a newlywed couple.  The nationalities were German, UK, Canada and US.  Everyone was very nice!  We rotated on who we shared a room with each night - which worked out well.

 This was in Vang Vieng, Laos

 

I'm standing in the courtyard of our hotel in Vientiane, Laos

 

Halong Bay, Vietnam

 

While on a 2 day slow boat down the Mekong River, we stopped at two separate villages and took supplies that we had purchased for one of the villages.

 

Two village girls - it was their New Year's celebration

 Elephant Riding in Chiang Mai, Thailand

Hope you have a great weekend!

Goodby for Now

I leave tomorrow for my trip.  I can't remember if I mentioned how long the travel time is.  It will take me about 32 hours from the time I leave my house until I get to the hotel.  Since I have restless leg syndrome and periodic limb movement disorder, air travel is very difficult for me.  I'm not complaining though, I feel very blessed to be able to see some of SE Asia.  My flight is 3 legs, first LA, then Taiwan, then Bangkok.  On the way back, it leaves from Hanoi, to Japan, Detroit, then home.

I wanted to tell everyone "Merry Christmas" and I hope and pray all of you and your children have a blessed month!


My husband and I went to see J yesterday in jail and he seemed to be doing fine.  His attitude is good and he looks well.  After the visit, my husband said he still looks so young, like a boy.  After I first called the police to take J, I went through a few weeks of torture.  I didn't feel that I deserved to be happy.  This family of hurting parents helped me to realize that for J to get well, I needed to heal also.  I wanted to thank all of you for helping me!


An update on everything else:  my roommate is working out well - she stays to herself downstairs when she is here.  Here are a few pics of the downstairs of our home, which she has pretty much to herself:

 

I don't see my mother much since my brother is over there all of the time.  He gets upset if she calls me especially, so she'll call me from the laundry room (pretty dysfunctional).  I've learned to accept that situation a long time ago.


I packed J a box of clothes/toiletry items for my husband to mail to him once he is transferred, which he's hoping is Thursday.  The rehab doesn't allow you to bring items, you have to mail them.


Gratitude:


J is safe and sober
My husband loves me

Traveling with a Tarot Card Reader

In late 2007, after my husband and I divorced, I started making new friends, single friends and one of them was an organic farmer named Wyatt.  He was what you would call "eccentric"!  His intellect was off the charts and some of his interests were:  tarot card reading, astrology, palm reading, spirituality, home made bread making and beer making, and the organic farming.  We had done a few things together and talked on the phone a lot.


We decided to go on a trip together for 8 days out west to three national parks, Zion, Bryce and the Grand Canyon.  I made all of the travel plans, booked the lodge reservations, rental car, etc.  The trip went well in the beginning.  I am quite tolerant of people's differences and try to embrace each person's uniqueness!


This was during my "vegetarian" phase and he was also vegetarian.  He was on a stricter budget than me therefore wanted to eat PB&J sandwiches frequently, so I did also.  As we drove through the west together, hiking, talking and listening to native american music, he shared more of his life with me.  He had been through an abusive childhood and by the time we were ready to move to the last destination, "The Grand Canyon", he started going through what I would call an emotional breakdown.  He wanted to go home and insisted on me driving him to the nearest Greyhound bus station, instead of returning to the airport to fly home early.


After dropping him off, I had the choice of driving back to Las Vegas and change my flight or wait it out there, or go on to "The Grand Canyon", which I had never seen.  Although I was frightened by the prospect of hiking down the Canyon by myself, I decided to go for it.


I hiked down, spent the night at "Phantom Ranch" and hiked back up the following morning.  I had a great sense of accomplishment after that!  I guess the lessons learned were: get to know your traveling mates better beforehand and you can do anything if you want it bad enough!

Bryce National Park

 

Zion National Park

The Grand Canyon at sunset

This is at Phanton Ranch at the bottom of the Canyon

Gratitude: 

Son is safe and sober

I am over 2 weeks smoke free

Had a beautiful 10 mile hike yesterday and saw amazing scenery (in Ohio - can you believe it?)

God is listening to me and I'm listening back

Paris in the Spring

I hope I bring some light to people's lives by posting about positive things!  That is why I post about my travels because it's something that brings light to my life and provides entertainment for others.

In 2007 I took my Niece who was 15 years old at the time with me to Paris.  She was taking French lessons in school and was excited about being able to practice in Paris!  Once there, she was too shy most of the time to practice her French, but she enjoyed making fun of my lack of knowledge in that area!


Her favorite place was the Eiffel Tower - we went there three times; once at dusk to watch the lights come on.  She thought they looked like sparkling diamonds!  One of her favorite activities was riding the Metro....it was fun figuring out which one connected to the next one to get us to our destination.  We ate pastries every day and of course went to the Louvre and Notre Dame.

This is a picture of her with a stranger that we stopped to ask if we could take his picture.  My favorite thing to do is people watch, so one day I said lets take a picture of everyone that is with a dog.  We took quite a few pictures that day!

 

I was pretending to get in the little car here!

During the trip, she seemed quite sulky and I remember thinking why am I in Paris with a sulky teenager!  I would ask her what was wrong and she would say she didn't like the rain, or her feet hurt, etc. etc.

Within 6 months of our returning from the trip, she seemed like a changed person.  She was outgoing and friendlier.  I believe that trip gave her more confidence in herself and that's one of the reasons I love travel -- it's empowering.  My dream career would be to take people on adventures around the world! 

I'm two weeks smoke-free!!

Gratitude:

My son is safe and sober

My brother (the alcoholic) is at my mother's all of the time (even sleeping there) so that means he isn't drinking except for about once a week when he goes back to his apartment for a night

The support of my family/friends/and blogger friends!!

Trip to California

Back in 2006 I took a sabbatical and traveled quite a bit. One of my trips was to California. I had booked an Amtrak train/bus pass that took me all through California. My father had passed away a few months earlier and J had just graduated from High School. At the time I knew he smoked marijuana but it wasn't until March of 2008 that I found out he had a drug problem.

This was a much needed break for me after working full time my entire life, going to school at night for 8 years and being a mother of a child who was very involved in sports!

I flew out by myself to San Francisco and had a few hours to walk around before it was time to go to bed. The next day I was on a tour bus that was going to John Muir Woods and I had a cup of coffee that I had finished and needed to throw the cup away. I asked the driver if he had a garbage and he replied "No". We were stopped at a light about 10 vehicles back in the middle lane. The lane to our right was also backed up, but I noticed the lane on our left had no cars in it. These were one-way streets.

I noticed a garbage on the left (where no cars were) and asked the driver if I could run over and throw it away - he said "Yes". I walked in front of the bus and noticed the light beginning to turn green, so I started running to the garbage. All I remember was flying through the air onto the hood of a car, bouncing off and onto the ground. I popped right up and people started flocking around me, trying to get me to sit down. Someone called an ambulance and when they arrived, they asked which one of us was the accident victim.
I spent 4 hours in San Fran General and the only mark on me was a little scratch on my forearm. I believe in miracles and angels!

When I got to a restaurant (I was starving), called my husband and told him what had happened, his response was "You need to come home now" and I said, "I'm fine - my trip has just begun"!




This picture is in San Francisco. I loved the sculptures!





I then traveled onto Napa Valley and had a tour of the wineries with 10 other people. I ended up having a bruise on my leg from drinking too much wine that day (no bruises from getting hit by a car though)!!





My next stop was Yosemite! I met a girl from London on the bus who worked for e-bay and we ended up hiking 13 miles together the next day and biking 15 miles the following day.


My last stop was San Diego. I spent two days in each City and loved California!

Gratitude:
My son is safe and soberAngels
Language/wordsLove

Little Girl Lost

Peeling the skin from father’s sunburned back

Lying in bed stroking mother’s sad face

Watching the blood flow from her battered mouth

Listening to rage filled words from her lips

Walking through school hallways, eyes down, ashamed

Yearning for love and drowning the void with substances and strangers

Traveling far to escape the pain

Creating a life to shower my love upon

Finding fulfillment in being a mother

Trying to change the direction of his steps

Realizing control is an illusion

Avoiding the truth for protection

Crying tears for lost years

Feeling such sorrow for our pain

Surrendering to God my most precious gift

Praying for peace and healing

Communication Struggles

My husband and I have been having communication struggles. At the end of this morning's "communicating session" he said he thinks the problem is women. That he really dislikes women!

We don't yell/scream when we communicate. The typical scenario is that I tell him how I'm feeling about something and he gets defensive and takes it personally. Marriage is a struggle!


He agreed to go with me to visit J in jail for the first time last night. We "communicated" on the way and I mentioned that there seemed to be a lack of warmth/closeness between us. He agreed and said it has been for a while. I am the type person that likes to analyze the problem and break it down and he is the emotional one that gets upset quickly, says things he doesn't mean and/or ends the conversation abruptly. He has been going through a lot with his family this year which is a contributing factor.

He complains that I'm on the internet all of the time, which is not true (I give him examples of all the other things that I do also). It is quite complicated and I could give more details to help others understand the situation, but it is private and would turn into a book!

Anyway, while we're waiting in the waiting room, he admits that this is very hard for him - coming to see J in jail. I asked him to explain and he said for one thing it makes him feel like a failure as a step-father. He is not the type person to read or take other action to help him in situations so I just try to listen and not pass judgment.

I think men have it harder in life because they typically don't have friends they can talk to in depth about their feelings.





Well, I better get off the dreaded internet! Since I'm on it all of the time, I wonder how I managed to go out yesterday to purchase a camcorder for my trip, shampoo all of the carpets, do laundry, make phone calls, go to Lowes to p/u paint for a chest of drawers that I'm redoing today, stop by the grocery, scrub the laundry sink with steel wool, clean the house for company tomorrow, help my roommate move her things in last night after the visit to J, read the manual for the camcorder, pack some more for my trip, etc. etc. etc. Just a typical day in the life of Sherry!


SMOKE FREE - 7 DAYS!

Gratitude:

Son is safe and sober
Sense of humor
Patience
Antacids

Peace, love and happiness to everyone!!

Mind Games and Smoke Free

Although J is in jail, I imagine that he is in the military at boot camp! It is a way for me to feel better about his situation. I think that we fear the unknown and since I am familiar with boot camp, it helps.



J and I spoke the other day and he said that he volunteered to work in the kitchen 6 hours a day. He said it is making the time go by more quickly and mainly that he gets to eat more. His first day he had 2 pb/j sandwiches and 2 chicken patty sandwiches. Remember, he's 6'9" tall and slender, so he needs to eat...eat....eat!!

I was supposed to go visit him yesterday, but I ended up not going. I was thinking the football game was on at 1pm and he has joked in the past that when I visit it cuts into the first part of the game. Actually, the game started at 4pm. Since I can't call him I hope he wasn't disappointed. Part of me really didn't want to go, because we talk on the phone a couple of times a week, so we usually run out of things to talk about.




I am 84 hours smoke free...yeah!!

Gratitude:

My son is safe and sober
google - "you can find anything"
treadmill - easier on the knees and warmer
quiet home (except I have tinnitus so I always have ringing in my ears)

Awards from Friends

I received two awards from friends this week. The "Dragon's Loyalty Award" is from Barbara at The Needle and the Damage Done.

Thank you Barbara!!




The rules are as follows:
1. Thank whoever gave this to you
2. Copy award
3. Post it in your blog
4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don’t know about you
5. Link 7 new bloggers
6. Notify winners of the award with a comment on their blog
7. Keep being awesome!

I'm going to share 10 things because the 2nd award requires that.

1) I can still do a backbend.


2) I was on Match.com when my current husband and I were divorced for a year.


3) I used to believe back in my 20's that crying in front of people was a form of weakness.


4) I have lifted a 220lb. man onto my shoulders and swung him in circles (back in my 20's).


5) While in the military back in the late 70's, I took a train trip from Germany, through Austria, onto Italy to visit a friend and forgot my military papers. Back then if you were military you didn't need a passport. Anyway, I talked my way across both borders and again on the return trip.


6) I have skinny dipped in the Ohio River at night (not too long ago).


7) I have never flipped anyone off while driving.


8) Also, while in the military taking a plane flight from Frankfurt to London with a friend, forgot my papers again, so I rush back to the base to get a copy and upon arrival to the gate (about 20 minutes before take-off), there is no one there. Suddenly, a man on a bicycle stops and asks if I am Sherry ______. I said yes and he said, follow me. I am running through the airport following a stranger on a bicycle and they have me board a bus that takes me to the plane and as I am boarding, everyone claps because they couldn't take off since my luggage was already on board (embarrassing)!


9) I am missing one rib (when I was 7 years old the doctors said it was a birth defect). I must have given it to Adam!


10) I used to let J sleep with me from when I divorced his father (2 years old) until he was 10-12 years old. After I remarried when he was 6 years old, of course, it was very infrequent.


I am passing this one on to:


Chailatte at Hurting Parents~Addicted Son

Madison at Fight of Your Life

Renee at Mom of Opiate Addicted Son

Lisa at Loving and Parenting an Addict

Annette at Journey of Recovery...search for serenity

Heathers Mom

Lynn at Where is my beautiful, happy, perfect family


___________________________________________________

The "Honest Scrap" award is from Madison at Fight of Your Life.

Thank you Madison!!




I am passing this one on to:

Barbara at The Needle and the Damage Done
Debby at Oxycontin & Opiate Addiction How's My son

Mom & Dad at An Addict in our son's bedroom

Bill at DadOnFire

Cheri at Glass House Ministries

Gin at My Own Road

Ashes in the Wind & Peru

Today I took my father, grandfather and grandmother's ashes to scatter them at the Voice of America park. My grandmother passed in 1986, grandfather in 2004 and father in 2006. I've had their ashes since 2006. I chose the VOA park because my grandfather was one of the starting engineers for VOA in Germany during the early 1950's.

My father was somewhat of a lost soul and one of his hobbies was the ham radio. My grandmother doted on my grandfather, so I thought I should scatter them together. I said a few words for each of them and made sure I was standing upwind.

My mother wants to be cremated also and said she wants me to keep her ashes until I die. I'm not sure I want to do that....




These pictures are from my trip to Peru in April that I was blessed to be able to go on...the above shot is after a soccer game against 6 guys from Lake Titicaca (14,000 ft. elevation). Obviously, I was the only woman and the oldest person playing. I was the goalie and was able to block all of their shots and we won!!





This was taken at Machu Picchu after we hiked 3 1/2 days on the Inca Trail to arrive at sunrise.




This was a lady on the Uros Island (they are man/woman made islands out of reeds)!





I was feeding this Llama - they warned me that if I tried to touch him, he would spit on me!




This was at a roadside vendor - precious!!




We had fun in the desert jeep riding. I went on the trip by myself, but the other 10 people on the trip were from all over the world (Australia, Gibraltar, Morocco, Germany, New Zealand).


I quit smoking today - I'm on the patch - I am determined this time for many reasons!!

"Healing yourself is connected with healing others."

~ Yoko Ono

Court Results & Exotic Destination

In court last week, J decided to plead "no contest" to the physical control and the Judge gave him the minimum sentence, $50 fine and court costs. This week's two court cases also went well - the attorney was able to persuade them to not issue warrants and push the cases back on the docket so that J can be admitted to the rehab. He probably has about another month to go before a bed opens up - so he'll wait in jail.


I booked a trip to Thailand, Laos and Vietnam leaving December 8th and returning December 24th. My husband knows I've been stressed (mostly J's situation, my mother, searching for new career/job etc.) and supported my decision. When J called me today, I told him about it and he was also excited for me - he told me to be careful (he's a sweetie)! This is my passion and I'm going for it!

The new roommate decided to move in!! She'll be moving in a few days before I leave.

Gratitude:

J is safe and sober
Different cultures & opportunity to travel
Life

Pick a number at Jail & Roommate Search

Visited J at jail today. You pick a number and have a seat. You can call me crazy - but one of the ways I know God is with me is through the number 3 (which represents "the father, the son and holy spirit"). It has been an odd form of comfort. For a few weeks leading up to me finding J passed out on his bedroom floor and up until a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that the number 3 would appear constantly.

Almost every time I looked at the clock it would be 1:33, 10:30, 3:00, etc. and when I would pick a number at jail, it was always 3 or 13. J's inmate number when added together was 13!

When I went to buy new glasses, the bill was $333.63. When I got the oil changed in my car, the mechanic said it was $33.23, and then said "actually it is $30.23, I'm not sure where that extra 3 came from"! There are many other examples.

During this time I was feeling overwhelmed, anxiety-ridden, and all of the other emotions that a parent experiences when they finally comprehend the reality that their child is a drug addict.



Today's visit was fine. One of the positive experiences for him through this has been that his father and father's family have been writing him letters and reaching out. He's gotten letters not only from his father, but from both aunts, his grandmother, grandfather, my brother's ex-wife, my girlfriend, and of course me.

He even had an hour long conversation with his father (they only talk about once or twice a year). His father is planning on coming up from Texas to visit him over Thanksgiving!

While I was in the waiting room, there was a lady that spoke very little English (from Russia) and the police officer wasn't very helpful that was in the waiting room - so I spoke with the officer behind the 2 way mirrored glass and spoke for her. She was there to post $500 bail to get her daughter out. I don't know about the rest of you, but I get more pleasure out of giving than receiving!


I mentioned in an earlier post that my roommate moved out so we've been interviewing potential people. Last night a very nice girl in her late 20's, an engineer going to school at night to obtain her Master's degree (also a marathon runner, takes singing lessons, figure-skating lessons etc. etc.) came over and had dinner with us. She and I have a lot in common: athleticism, eating healthy (she's a vegetarian - I used to be), love of travel, etc. Her family is from the South Pacific Islands - one near Guam - needless to say she is beautiful (both inside and out)!

I have told all three people that have come over some of J's situation. I believe in being open and upfront concerning any possible issues.

She is making a decision by Tuesday - if it is meant to be it will be!


My husband is sick - possibly a virus or the flu. His fever was up to 102 yesterday. Sorry if I offend any men out there, but it seems whenever he is sick (even with a cold and no fever) the world is going to end. I have to say that he has gotten better about it, the older he gets.

Gratitude:

Son is safe and sober
Medicine (to make husband less grumpy and better)
Naps
Choices

Love, peace and happiness to everyone!!

Veteran's Day and Christmas

My husband and I went out for dinner tonight at Applebee's. I got a free meal because I served in the Army for 4 years (stationed in Germany for 2 1/2 years).


Am I crazy....I put up the christmas tree and decorations today! I played Diana Krall's Christmas music on my Ipod while decorating. I have to admit I cried a little thinking about J. All of the ornaments bring back memories...especially the one he made with a picture of him when he was about 8 with glitter around the edges.

I'm having family here for Thanksgiving - they'll think it's a little strange having Christmas decorations up already - oh well!



Tomorrow is another court day. This one was for his "physical control" citation - passed out in his car at a gas station. The urine test came back positive for "benzos" and something else - the attorney doesn't have a copy of the exact findings yet. J was on a prescription for a "benzo" for his sleep disorder so I'm supposed to bring that.

There are two more continued cases next week.

Gratitude:

My son is safe and sober.
My girlfriend was released from the hospital.
Holiday decorations, pretty lights, etc.
The peaceful feeling I have right now.
Living in the USA.

Peace, love and happiness to everyone!!

Life goes on...

I called the Rehab last week to see if I could have a tour and they said no.....so I arranged another book drive with a bookstore and took 6 boxes of books over to the Rehab. I asked the gentleman that I brought them to if I could have a tour and he said yes. It was comforting to be able to see where J will be living.



On Friday I went to visit my girlfriend who is in the hospital with H1N1 & pneumonia and dressed in protective gear. I rubbed her back and took flowers. I have known her for 38 years and I told her I loved her for the first time on Friday!



We gave our cat to my cousin yesterday because my husband is allergic to him. It was sad but my cousin has 2 other cats, a dog and two daughters. I'm sure he will adjust!



Today my husband and I rode our Harley for an hour to join our hiking club for a beautiful hike. It was sunny and in the 60's.


J has not called me since I saw him in Court on Thursday. The longest I have ever gone without talking to him is 2-3 days (except for when he was 3 years old when his father lived in Texas and had visitation for 6 weeks and wouldn't let him talk on the phone with me).

J told me recently while he was in jail that it makes it harder for him to talk with or see family while he's there because it makes him want out more. I believe it is his way of not thinking about it so he doesn't have to deal with it!

Gratitude:

My son is safe and sober.
My mother likes her new apartment.
The peaceful feeling I have today.
Finding a good home for my kitty.

Much peace and happiness to everyone!!

Court Results & Moving Day

J had three different court proceedings in two different counties this week. Since he is still in jail for the "wreckless op" case, attorney #1 represented him in the other county and was able to continue those cases until next week. The other case was here in our county so they brought J to the courtroom. I spoke with attorney #2 in the hall before it started. This was the case where I called the police on J and he was facing a felony drug possession charge.

I've been praying daily asking God to "please heal J" and to "please give the attorneys and Judges in the case the guidance to make the best decision for J to be healed". I also requested other family members who didn't know what was going on to also pray.

The Judge sentenced J to the "lockdown rehab" (he didn't say for how long) and then three years probation. The wait is 1-2 months for a bed and they will keep J in jail until there is an opening. Attorney #2 asked the Judge if J could be released on his release date next week so that he could make his other court appearances and the Judge said "NO" - that it looks like he has a "catch 22" situation and someone will have to figure it out.

It is quite complicated because the attorney #1 is telling me that unless J can get out of jail to make the court appearances in the other county, they can't go along with this county's rehab recommendation. The two attorneys are supposed to talk again and I should hear something soon.

I know that I've been worried, but it truly helped to pray and feel that J was being looked out for. Through this process, I am fine tuning my beliefs and think that prayer is the most important piece of the process, but that seeking education/knowledge and then acting on that knowledge (when it is something that I can control and feel in my gut that I should act upon) is the way I want to handle my life and what affects me.

I just finished reading "Beautiful Boy" and "The Cross and the Switchblade". The later book is by the founder of the "Teen Challenge". As time goes on I am learning more...



My husband took 1/2 day off of work on Monday so that myself, a friend and my husband could move my mother into her new senior citizen apartment. Moving is my specialty - I've moved 42 times in 51 years - not counting when I help others move. Everything was finished by Monday evening except a couple of end tables for the living room.

Today after Court I went with her and helped her pick out a small dining room set that will be delivered in a week. It has been a challenging time having her live with me for the past 10 months, but I think I have learned more patience among other things.

Gratitude:

1. My son is safe and sober!
2. My mother moved out (yahoo)!
3. I've gotten some e-mails and a phone call through my job search.
4. The beautiful sun shining through warming me as I type this.

Thanks for your prayers and good thoughts!

Transformation

As I watch the leaves fall from the trees outside, I realize how similar we are. They go through a predictable transformation every year. Although we don't see the transformation within ourselves or those we love as predictably or sometimes as quickly, the change is still occurring.

As we shed our leaves of hurt, anger, despair, addiction, anxiety and they are replaced with new leaves of joy, peace, patience, hope, health and happiness..... we rejoice!

"Nature often holds up a mirror so we can see more clearly the ongoing processes of growth, renewal, and transformation in our lives!”